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THE SECRET AFTERLIFE OF THE AMIGA CD32

17/9/2019

19 Comments

 
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Did you know that the working name for the Amiga CD32 was "Spellbound"? "Toilet-bound" would've been more appropriate!!!!!!

Isn't that funny? Yes. Yes it is.

The Amiga CD32 was a last rattle of the tin for Commodore; a half-buttocked, ill-considered, attempt to get a palsied finger-hold in the burgeoning CD console market.

Though technically it was the first 32-bit CD games console, that's a bit like praising the first moon landing attempt by a four year-old in his homemade, diarrhoea-powered, cardboard space rocket.

The CD32 was hobbled by a hastily-assembled internal load of wretched old mess, a terrible controller that had all the aesthetic appeal of a particularly difficult maths equation, Commodore's astigmatic management - which lead to the machine being discontinued after just eight months and the company going bankrupt - and the continued wilful ignorance of the Amiga's audience, who boasted the collective awareness of the Pompeii resident who opened a flammable trousers shop the morning Vesuvius erupted. 

Oddly, in 1995 - the year following the official end of both the console, and all things Amiga - the CD32 gained a sort of vague half-life as an arcade system, courtesy of Milanese company CD Express, the result of a licensing deal struck prior to Commodore's dismal termination.

Nine arcade games in total were released using the CD32 hardware (which was, even later, used inside a handful of fruit machines - Leprechaun's Luck, Hawaiian Delight and Mister Magic - by an entirely different company).

And here they are; here are some of those games that I mentioned.
CANDY PUZZLE
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A shameless Puzzle Bobbly/Bust-A-Move rip-off, with some 500 levels of challenge. What's most striking about this none-more-unoriginal game is the druid-like characters in background, and the fact that the purple "candy" pieces appear to be sporting what is known as a "horseshoe moustache".

The bloke who did that Super Size Me documentary has one. You know: where he ate nothing but McDonald's for a month, didn't exercise, and - big surprise - his health deteriorated a bit.

According to nutritionists, he ate as many McDonald's as a person should only ever eat over the course of 8 years, thus demonstrating that the film had all the educational benefit of somebody making a documentary to see what would happen if you spent a week ramming clothes pegs into your eyes instead of eating.

If you're wondering what that has to do with the CD32... well, nothing. I'm only one game in, and already I'm struggling. 
HAREM CHALLENGE
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An adult puzzle game, based upon Qix, where the aim was to uncover a picture of a semi-nude. In a concession to equality, you could select whether to view a male nude, or a female nude. 

Given that most Mediterraneans don't bat an eyelid at the sight of somebody wandering along a beach with their bits flapping around, I struggle to reconcile that with the notion of a game where nakedness is offered as an incentive. 
LASER QUIZ SERIES
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Laser Quiz was a bog-standard pub quiz game series, which included a localised French version. I appreciate that this isn't a particularly interesting "tidbit", but in all honesty I thought I'd be able to find a bit more information on these games than I did.

If you're wondering about the question shown in the above image, I've run it through Google translate, and it asks: "Who is the greatest rapper on earth?"

The options are:

A: The Giraffe
B: Lil' Yak
C: L'Hippopotamus 
D: The Blue Moustache
ODEON TWISTER 1 & 2
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Sorry, but I don't know what this is. It looks like some sort of multi-game thing, but then there's a section for girls, a section for boys, a section for "other pictures" (the mind boggles), and something labelled "zen". About the only thing I can find about it is that it used a touch screen. Also, there's a picture of an Oscar statuette on the screen. 

​You probably could've come up with all that yourself. 
GANGSTER PURSUIT
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A game in which players adopt the role of bomb-carrying gangsters, and must make it as far as possible before they fall over, causing their bomb to explode. To be completely frank with you, I'm basing this on the above image and nothing else.

How did the gangsters get the bombs? Why are they already lit? Just throw them, for pity's sake! What are you worried about...?

I probably should've found something else to write about. I'm fumbling around in the dark here.

​Sorry.

CAMEL RACER
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A camel racing game? I mean, what else is it going to be?

Here are two interesting camel facts:

  • Camels have three eyelids.
  • Due to the need to retain as much water as possible in the desert, Camel urine is as thick as molasses, and its faeces is so dry that it can be burnt as fuel. 

Here's a diagram I found showing the digestive system of a camel, including the "Formation of Bolus". Quite where the coming together of a 1970s prog rock group fits into it is anybody's guess.
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19 Comments
Mr Bass
17/9/2019 10:42:47 am

As an avid Amiga user, even to this day, I find this article quite frankly offensive and derogatory to the name and spirit of the Worlds Greatest microcomputer. I demand a retraction of your mocking tonality and an apology to the world wide Amiga community forthwith.

Reply
Al__S
17/9/2019 11:48:13 am

I had (and liked it) an Amiga 1200 and thought the CD32 was a fucking stupid idea

Reply
leirbag28
23/11/2021 01:59:34 am

And yet the CD32 is actually the best and most capable and compatible
with previous Amigas there ever was. it just had poor untrained Games publishers that thought they were making games for a computer monitor instead of a TV with stupid black borders and score rasters blocking the action as well as tons of shovelware.

Reply
Craggar
17/9/2019 11:56:10 am

"Formation of Bolus" sounds like the prequel to Trojan Arse Protocol

Reply
David Heslop
17/9/2019 01:03:16 pm

Am I right in thinking that the CD32 initially sold really, really well? I'm sure I read somewhere that it was going great guns and it was Commodore's sudden yet inevitable death that did for it, leaving thousands of unshipped machines stuck in warehouses.

Yes, yes, of course it was bound to fall flat on its arse the second anyone got a whif of the PlayStation and all that, but still.

Reply
Gryzor link
18/9/2019 10:33:01 am

IIRC there was a patent dispute with a HK (?) company which kept the initial shipments from getting to market.

Reply
Taucher
17/9/2019 02:57:31 pm

In an infinite number of universes Commodore didn't release the stupid CD32, they released the Amiga 1900, then the Amiga 2600 (etc.) and in those universes people own a PC, a MacBook OR AN AMIGA!!!!

As it is we had a choice, for a while, between the Atari Jaguar and the Commodore CD32.

Reply
Paul
17/9/2019 03:00:42 pm

No Babylon 5 game?

Reply
Mr Bass
17/9/2019 05:29:39 pm

Nah, it couldn't handle the graphics.

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Robobob
17/9/2019 06:29:18 pm

I am The Blue Moustache and I endorse this article.

Reply
The Real Blue Moustache
18/9/2019 04:36:52 pm

No you're not. Would you just quit at pretending to be me in the comments sections of internet sites. It's really getting quite bothersome.

Reply
Mark C
17/9/2019 09:15:43 pm

I bought a CD32, yes I'm that one. The. control was terrible but I did have a third party Competition Pro which was excellent for my favourite game on the CD32, Robocod. The machine died a pretty quick death because of the demise of Commodore and I remember replacing it with a PS1 which was much more impressive and actually had games for the machine. Not sure what happened to it, I think I may have left it behind when I moved house.

Reply
Sedric-and-Charlie
17/9/2019 10:21:10 pm

God knows what happened to my CD32. I know it must've left the house before the Amiga 500 because I seem to recall the latter staying set up in my bedroom for most of the 90s. Honestly my memories of what computery entertainments I owned across that decade are a weird tangly mess. Still got more fun out of that CD32 than I did out of the Dreamcast though, even if most of its titles seemed to be slightly souped up versions of regular Amiga games

Reply
LitesOnNo1Home
17/9/2019 11:30:42 pm

Similar story to the Dreamcast in a lot of ways. Both were a big step forward from what was on the market when they launched, but not big enough to compete with what followed hot on their heels, both had relatively poor software support, and both were the final nail in the coffin of the company that made them.

Oh, and both had awful controllers.

Reply
Gryzor link
18/9/2019 10:34:51 am

The DC had an awful controller? Blasphemous!

Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
18/9/2019 01:07:04 pm

Poor software support on the Dreamcast? I reckon what dun it were the backslapping trendy “lad” types writing magazines like Official UK PlayStation, and Sony’s own marketing. Like CyberX, they only ever played FIFA and maybe Tekken after drinking beer and shots, snogging girls, and smoking with cigarettes. But they worked people into a frenzy because the controller buttons had 256 levels of pressure and you could stand the thing on its side and buy a blue stand and LOOK THE LOGO TURNS SIDEWAYS HEY WOW it’s the trendy lifestyle event of the year! Plus here’s a render of an old
man’s face, who doesn’t want that?

The Dreamcast had plenty of great games, and they managed 20 years ago what Nintencan’t today in the space year 2019 (a controller with analogue triggers. What, too proud to pay patent fees, Shiggo? Too much dishonour because of the GameCube?)

Smilin' Peter
18/9/2019 07:00:17 am

When I played a CD32 the other week (at the Computing History Museum in Cambridge), I actually found the controller surprisingly comfortable.

But I also still like the N64 controller, so what do I know?

Reply
Jol
18/9/2019 01:02:56 pm

Those druids look like they've been pinched from the cover art for the Blue Oyster Cult album Fire of Unknown Origin.

The CD32 pad isn't all bad; it can double up as a makeshift grappling hook.

Reply
Chris Dyson
2/10/2019 11:28:55 am

Morgan Spurlock is who you are thinking of.

Reply



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