Did you know that the working name for the Amiga CD32 was "Spellbound"? "Toilet-bound" would've been more appropriate!!!!!!
Isn't that funny? Yes. Yes it is.
The Amiga CD32 was a last rattle of the tin for Commodore; a half-buttocked, ill-considered, attempt to get a palsied finger-hold in the burgeoning CD console market.
Though technically it was the first 32-bit CD games console, that's a bit like praising the first moon landing attempt by a four year-old in his homemade, diarrhoea-powered, cardboard space rocket.
The CD32 was hobbled by a hastily-assembled internal load of wretched old mess, a terrible controller that had all the aesthetic appeal of a particularly difficult maths equation, Commodore's astigmatic management - which lead to the machine being discontinued after just eight months and the company going bankrupt - and the continued wilful ignorance of the Amiga's audience, who boasted the collective awareness of the Pompeii resident who opened a flammable trousers shop the morning Vesuvius erupted.
Oddly, in 1995 - the year following the official end of both the console, and all things Amiga - the CD32 gained a sort of vague half-life as an arcade system, courtesy of Milanese company CD Express, the result of a licensing deal struck prior to Commodore's dismal termination.
Nine arcade games in total were released using the CD32 hardware (which was, even later, used inside a handful of fruit machines - Leprechaun's Luck, Hawaiian Delight and Mister Magic - by an entirely different company).
And here they are; here are some of those games that I mentioned.
Isn't that funny? Yes. Yes it is.
The Amiga CD32 was a last rattle of the tin for Commodore; a half-buttocked, ill-considered, attempt to get a palsied finger-hold in the burgeoning CD console market.
Though technically it was the first 32-bit CD games console, that's a bit like praising the first moon landing attempt by a four year-old in his homemade, diarrhoea-powered, cardboard space rocket.
The CD32 was hobbled by a hastily-assembled internal load of wretched old mess, a terrible controller that had all the aesthetic appeal of a particularly difficult maths equation, Commodore's astigmatic management - which lead to the machine being discontinued after just eight months and the company going bankrupt - and the continued wilful ignorance of the Amiga's audience, who boasted the collective awareness of the Pompeii resident who opened a flammable trousers shop the morning Vesuvius erupted.
Oddly, in 1995 - the year following the official end of both the console, and all things Amiga - the CD32 gained a sort of vague half-life as an arcade system, courtesy of Milanese company CD Express, the result of a licensing deal struck prior to Commodore's dismal termination.
Nine arcade games in total were released using the CD32 hardware (which was, even later, used inside a handful of fruit machines - Leprechaun's Luck, Hawaiian Delight and Mister Magic - by an entirely different company).
And here they are; here are some of those games that I mentioned.
CANDY PUZZLE
A shameless Puzzle Bobbly/Bust-A-Move rip-off, with some 500 levels of challenge. What's most striking about this none-more-unoriginal game is the druid-like characters in background, and the fact that the purple "candy" pieces appear to be sporting what is known as a "horseshoe moustache".
The bloke who did that Super Size Me documentary has one. You know: where he ate nothing but McDonald's for a month, didn't exercise, and - big surprise - his health deteriorated a bit.
According to nutritionists, he ate as many McDonald's as a person should only ever eat over the course of 8 years, thus demonstrating that the film had all the educational benefit of somebody making a documentary to see what would happen if you spent a week ramming clothes pegs into your eyes instead of eating.
If you're wondering what that has to do with the CD32... well, nothing. I'm only one game in, and already I'm struggling.
The bloke who did that Super Size Me documentary has one. You know: where he ate nothing but McDonald's for a month, didn't exercise, and - big surprise - his health deteriorated a bit.
According to nutritionists, he ate as many McDonald's as a person should only ever eat over the course of 8 years, thus demonstrating that the film had all the educational benefit of somebody making a documentary to see what would happen if you spent a week ramming clothes pegs into your eyes instead of eating.
If you're wondering what that has to do with the CD32... well, nothing. I'm only one game in, and already I'm struggling.
HAREM CHALLENGE
An adult puzzle game, based upon Qix, where the aim was to uncover a picture of a semi-nude. In a concession to equality, you could select whether to view a male nude, or a female nude.
Given that most Mediterraneans don't bat an eyelid at the sight of somebody wandering along a beach with their bits flapping around, I struggle to reconcile that with the notion of a game where nakedness is offered as an incentive.
Given that most Mediterraneans don't bat an eyelid at the sight of somebody wandering along a beach with their bits flapping around, I struggle to reconcile that with the notion of a game where nakedness is offered as an incentive.
LASER QUIZ SERIES
Laser Quiz was a bog-standard pub quiz game series, which included a localised French version. I appreciate that this isn't a particularly interesting "tidbit", but in all honesty I thought I'd be able to find a bit more information on these games than I did.
If you're wondering about the question shown in the above image, I've run it through Google translate, and it asks: "Who is the greatest rapper on earth?"
The options are:
A: The Giraffe
B: Lil' Yak
C: L'Hippopotamus
D: The Blue Moustache
If you're wondering about the question shown in the above image, I've run it through Google translate, and it asks: "Who is the greatest rapper on earth?"
The options are:
A: The Giraffe
B: Lil' Yak
C: L'Hippopotamus
D: The Blue Moustache
ODEON TWISTER 1 & 2
Sorry, but I don't know what this is. It looks like some sort of multi-game thing, but then there's a section for girls, a section for boys, a section for "other pictures" (the mind boggles), and something labelled "zen". About the only thing I can find about it is that it used a touch screen. Also, there's a picture of an Oscar statuette on the screen.
You probably could've come up with all that yourself.
You probably could've come up with all that yourself.
GANGSTER PURSUIT
A game in which players adopt the role of bomb-carrying gangsters, and must make it as far as possible before they fall over, causing their bomb to explode. To be completely frank with you, I'm basing this on the above image and nothing else.
How did the gangsters get the bombs? Why are they already lit? Just throw them, for pity's sake! What are you worried about...?
I probably should've found something else to write about. I'm fumbling around in the dark here.
Sorry.
How did the gangsters get the bombs? Why are they already lit? Just throw them, for pity's sake! What are you worried about...?
I probably should've found something else to write about. I'm fumbling around in the dark here.
Sorry.
CAMEL RACER
A camel racing game? I mean, what else is it going to be?
Here are two interesting camel facts:
Here's a diagram I found showing the digestive system of a camel, including the "Formation of Bolus". Quite where the coming together of a 1970s prog rock group fits into it is anybody's guess.
Here are two interesting camel facts:
- Camels have three eyelids.
- Due to the need to retain as much water as possible in the desert, Camel urine is as thick as molasses, and its faeces is so dry that it can be burnt as fuel.
Here's a diagram I found showing the digestive system of a camel, including the "Formation of Bolus". Quite where the coming together of a 1970s prog rock group fits into it is anybody's guess.
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