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THE SCARIEST TOP TRUMPS EVER

15/2/2017

29 Comments

 
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The children of the 1970s and 80s had little access to violent or graphic material. If we wanted to experience true, undiluted, fear, we had but two options: meet a BBC television show host... or play a game of Waddington's Horror Top Trumps.

Until the release of the two Horror sets in 1978, Top Trumps had focused mostly on vehicles - cars, helicopters, tanks and the like. The Horror Trumps were different; luridly hand-drawn, and giving youths the opportunity to finally settle the age-old question of who was more horrific - Dracula or Frankenstein. And it wasn't just the big screen monsters who got an outing in these Top Trumps packs - but monsters that were conceived entirely for the two sets, such as The Zetan Priest and "Maggot". 

It didn't matter to us that all of the images had been copied from elsewhere - that the Venusian Death Cell jailer was clearly a Sea Devil from Doctor Who. All we knew is that the Trumps, offered without context or comment, depicted scenes more grisly and violent than our young minds could've ever conceived on their own.

Brace yourselves - for here are just ten of these truly horrific Trumps...

DONALD TRUMP JOKE!!!!!
DEATH
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Everyone who played Horror Top Trumps wanted to have the Death in their hand, as few other cards could top its Horror Rating of 100. However, Death only has a 95 Killing Power rating - which, while still respectable, nevertheless seems somewhat low for, y'know, the physical embodiment of death.

Traditionally, Death is depicted as a skeleton in a hood, carrying a scythe. Waddingtons knew better - showing Death as it really is: the offspring of a slow loris and a California Raisin, with a mouth seemingly designed for filtering krill.
THE RISEN DEAD
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Zombies are a staple of the horror genre, so it's no wonder that one would appear in the Horror trumps. The name of this particular animated corpse? If we take a close look at the headstone, he would appear to be called "Derek Pulagstis". The flesh and hair still stuck to his skull was a particularly unpleasant touch, not least the flaking remains of Derek's "Scouse serial killer" moustache.
MADMAN
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You wouldn't be able to get away with calling a monster "Madman" these days - even though there's a TV show called Mad Men, but whatever. It would be considered insensitive to people with mental health issues, you see.

Yes, sometimes you hear about schizophrenia sufferers stabbing people and that, but that's surely more a tragedy than an act of horror. Also, what's going on with Madman's face? He looks like he's been stung by a load of wasps. Still, being a loony he probably stuck his head in a hive or something...

"Durrrhhhhh! I wonder what's in here...??! Hey - hello, little stripey fellers. How you - ow! Ow! My face! They done gone and stung me... Durrrnhhhh!"

Hahaha. Mad people...!
GODZILLA
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For anybody with even a passing awareness of Godzilla, this card was particularly baffling. Why is Godzilla wearing a big green overcoat, pink shirt, and purple bowtie? Where would he have gotten it from? Do they even make them in his size (XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL)? More to the point: how would such an outfit be practical, given the amount of time Godzilla spends underwater?

"Up from the depths 
Thirty stories high 
Breathing fire 
His head in the sky
And looking sssssspectacular!"

ZOLTAN
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Zoltan? Who is Zoltan, please? We shall never know, and it probably doesn't matter. Let's not lose any sleep over it. In the picture on his card, Zoltan looks like he's cradling the body of his dying lover, and is about to burst into tears.

"Jimmy? Jimmy, what have they done to you?! Jimmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
THOR
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Another truly baffling one, particularly for fans of Marvel Comics. What exactly is going on with Thor's face there? Why does he have four eyes? Please note that Thor has a higher Killing Power than Death itself, and greater physical strength than Godzilla. Still, he is god. Specifically, if the card image is anything to go by, the God of Fetish Clubs and Short-Sightedness.
THE SLIME CREATURE
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Presumably, the picture is meant to show The Slime Creature - real name "Nozzle" - stabbing somebody with a spear. It looks more like The Slime Creature has stumbled across this scene, and is too panicked to know what to do.

"Ohhhh noooooo! Noooooo! Nooooooooo! What do I do? What do I do?! Oh nooo - all my slime is coming out!"
HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME
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Again - "Hunchback" is probably a rather politically incorrect term for somebody suffering from kyphosis. Yes, Disney made a film out of Victor Hugo's novel, but you don't see a lot of Hunchback Disney toys do you? Oh, they flog Aerial the Little Mermaid and Beauty & The Beast dolls.

A hunchback? No. It's almost as if they're embarrassed about it, or don't think young girls want a cuddly doll of somebody with a physical deformity, or something.

Also, let's not forget that the entire thrust of both the novel and the animated movie was about looking beyond the physical, with Quasimodo depicted as an angel trapped in a devil's body. Putting him on a "horror" card? Well, that seems a little mean. given the themes Victor Hugo was aiming for. Still, he never ended up with the girl in either version of the story, which seems like mixed messages.

​Perhaps Hugo was going for irony, but the title of his book always felt a bit mean. I mean, let's all write a book about a one-legged person on a boat, called The Pogo Stick Freak of the SS Monoped, or something about a deaf guy living in a clocktower, called The Deaffo-What-What? of Big Ben. Or an allergy sufferer who lives in a warehouse, called The Sneezing Freak of The Amazon Fulfilment Centre...

​Pffft!
ALIEN CREATURE
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"Phteven?"
TALON
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Talon seems to be a big bird, who's had a bit too much to drink, and - having misread the signals - is now trying to get off with someone in a pub car park.

"C'mon, love - just one kiss."

"No, I don't want to!"

"Yes you do! I'll call a cab and we can go back to my nest."
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
​THE 10 BEST FIGHTING FANTASY COVERS EVER
​
THE 10 WORST FIGHTING FANTASY COVERS EVER
​THE ART THAT INSPIRED NO-MAN'S SKY
29 Comments
Chris
16/2/2017 09:29:30 am

Zoltan definitely rings a bell. I'm getting silver complexion, lightning coming out of the fingers, evil stare.

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Gosunkugi
16/2/2017 12:34:14 pm

You might be thinking of the late 70s horror movie, Zoltan, Hound of Dracula. I'm guessing the name somewhat inspired Waddingtons, but they didn't think the dog itself was too pant soiling, so used a bit of "artistic" license to turn it into whatever that card actually is.

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Chris
16/2/2017 12:35:07 pm

Actually I think I was thinking of Zola from Fire Emblem. Therefore, I do not know who Zoltan is.

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T-Wigs
16/2/2017 01:43:06 pm

After just completing the chapters wrapping up Zola's story arc in Birthright,it seems you are describing the Emperor from Star Wars more than anything.

Waynan The Barbarian
16/2/2017 01:18:21 pm

The hunchback definitely rings a bell

Arf arf!

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Toaster
5/4/2017 07:16:14 pm

Well played, Waynan. Kudos.

Reversible Sedgewick
16/2/2017 11:27:22 am

To be fair to Vicky H., his original title made no reference to the hunchback at all. Blame his English translator for sexing it up.

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Mrtankthreat
16/2/2017 12:32:37 pm

Isn't zoltan the contraption from Big that turns kids into adults? When I was a kid I wanted him to be real. Don't think I'd want any of the others to be real. Although risen dead just looks like a dishevelled jerry stiller which isn't all bad.

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johncross85
16/2/2017 06:20:28 pm

If you ever fancy giving one a go there's a Zoltan on Llandudno Pier. Its plugged in though - I seem to remember it needed to be unplugged for you to end up jumping on giant keyboards.

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Givealittlewhistle
16/2/2017 12:39:18 pm

Oh the memories, the prince of darkness was a favourite of mine, i think it had a bloody pendulum in the background.

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Chris
16/2/2017 12:44:32 pm

To be fair, the Prince of Darkness needs to know the time too.

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Givealittlewhistle
16/2/2017 01:09:18 pm

True, it'd be confusing for everyone if he was doing his thing in the day time.

Paulvw
16/2/2017 05:06:37 pm

Bloody hell haven't seen these in years. My brother and I used to love these. Still see the odd horror movie still and get reminded about the lurid top trump card that ripped it off. Great stuff cheers.

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sunteam link
16/2/2017 06:02:19 pm

Now Top Trumps is back in style, maybe they'll update these and release a 'TV Presenters of the 70s' set.

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Leigh
16/2/2017 06:32:39 pm

Thor looks like he's been boffed on the head by Negan. Four times.

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Cc
16/2/2017 07:00:38 pm

These are some of the best awful pictures I've ever seen. Got to love the generic barely there names, Big Lad, Spooky blob, Mad Man.
Plus Talon's right, er talon, is definitely interfering groinally.

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Treacle
16/2/2017 09:00:14 pm

Blimey, I forgot about Godzilla's brief stint hosting The Generation Game.

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Gosunkugi
16/2/2017 09:06:47 pm

Nice to see you, to see you, GROOOOOOONK!!!!

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Starbuck
16/2/2017 09:48:36 pm

Best top trumps ever - even better than Rockets! Godzilla though - that always felt like a Derren Brown cognitive dissonance thing.

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Kelvin Green link
16/2/2017 10:23:40 pm

I think the reason behind "Death"'s low killing power is that it's not Death but rather The Beast from the film Krull. I assume The Beast stood in because Death had to go to the osteopath.

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Monkey Head
17/2/2017 12:07:35 am

Is the Slime Creature a distant relation of The Man's Daddy?

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Ewan Kerr
17/2/2017 01:39:44 pm

The Mad Magician was the scariest, purely because he looked like David Icke, who at the time just presented Grandstand, and had yet to convey the real truth about the royal family being lizards.

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THX 1139
19/2/2017 11:49:30 pm

The Madman is a drawing of one of the violent acromegaly sufferers from the movie version of Doomwatch. Fancy!

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@DancesWithYaks
20/2/2017 11:19:59 am

Wow, I had these and remember my bafflement at many of the same issues. Made up horror characters, Death's apparent lack of killing power. I seem to remember the devil or a demon of some sort that resembled a spiv if anything. Thanks for the reminder.

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Alex Darby
24/2/2017 12:34:29 am

LOL! I got one set of these and my brother got the other when I was 8 and he was 6. I actually couldn't play the game because it freaked me out too much!

Would love to see the full set if anyone has them...

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Dave Wilson
3/2/2019 10:39:04 pm

For anyone who remembers the excellent horror Top Trumps series, the company Winning Moves have officially re-released both of the horror packs https://winningmoves.co.uk/collections/top-trumps-retro

Reply
Dave Wilson
27/5/2019 03:03:23 am

(Although the re-released versions are slightly cropped and missing two cards per set from the original line-up)

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Brian Artillery
22/7/2020 12:56:29 am

"There's a bloke at the door to see you"
"Who is it?"
"Says he's called Quasimodo, or something."
"Do you know what he wants?"
"No. But his face rings a bell..."

I'll get me coat.

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Prince of Darkness
17/3/2023 10:06:18 pm

These were great. I've just stumbled back across this because I wanted to see a picture of the Death card, as he looks like Steve Cooper, the Nottingham Forest manager. Other Horror Top Trumps that look like football managers are Maggot (Brendan "Big Face" Rodgers), and The Living Skull (Thomas Tuchel).

Reply



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