The children of the 1970s and 80s had little access to violent or graphic material. If we wanted to experience true, undiluted, fear, we had but two options: meet a BBC television show host... or play a game of Waddington's Horror Top Trumps.
Until the release of the two Horror sets in 1978, Top Trumps had focused mostly on vehicles - cars, helicopters, tanks and the like. The Horror Trumps were different; luridly hand-drawn, and giving youths the opportunity to finally settle the age-old question of who was more horrific - Dracula or Frankenstein. And it wasn't just the big screen monsters who got an outing in these Top Trumps packs - but monsters that were conceived entirely for the two sets, such as The Zetan Priest and "Maggot".
It didn't matter to us that all of the images had been copied from elsewhere - that the Venusian Death Cell jailer was clearly a Sea Devil from Doctor Who. All we knew is that the Trumps, offered without context or comment, depicted scenes more grisly and violent than our young minds could've ever conceived on their own.
Brace yourselves - for here are just ten of these truly horrific Trumps...
DONALD TRUMP JOKE!!!!!
Until the release of the two Horror sets in 1978, Top Trumps had focused mostly on vehicles - cars, helicopters, tanks and the like. The Horror Trumps were different; luridly hand-drawn, and giving youths the opportunity to finally settle the age-old question of who was more horrific - Dracula or Frankenstein. And it wasn't just the big screen monsters who got an outing in these Top Trumps packs - but monsters that were conceived entirely for the two sets, such as The Zetan Priest and "Maggot".
It didn't matter to us that all of the images had been copied from elsewhere - that the Venusian Death Cell jailer was clearly a Sea Devil from Doctor Who. All we knew is that the Trumps, offered without context or comment, depicted scenes more grisly and violent than our young minds could've ever conceived on their own.
Brace yourselves - for here are just ten of these truly horrific Trumps...
DONALD TRUMP JOKE!!!!!
DEATH
Everyone who played Horror Top Trumps wanted to have the Death in their hand, as few other cards could top its Horror Rating of 100. However, Death only has a 95 Killing Power rating - which, while still respectable, nevertheless seems somewhat low for, y'know, the physical embodiment of death.
Traditionally, Death is depicted as a skeleton in a hood, carrying a scythe. Waddingtons knew better - showing Death as it really is: the offspring of a slow loris and a California Raisin, with a mouth seemingly designed for filtering krill.
Traditionally, Death is depicted as a skeleton in a hood, carrying a scythe. Waddingtons knew better - showing Death as it really is: the offspring of a slow loris and a California Raisin, with a mouth seemingly designed for filtering krill.
THE RISEN DEAD
Zombies are a staple of the horror genre, so it's no wonder that one would appear in the Horror trumps. The name of this particular animated corpse? If we take a close look at the headstone, he would appear to be called "Derek Pulagstis". The flesh and hair still stuck to his skull was a particularly unpleasant touch, not least the flaking remains of Derek's "Scouse serial killer" moustache.
MADMAN
You wouldn't be able to get away with calling a monster "Madman" these days - even though there's a TV show called Mad Men, but whatever. It would be considered insensitive to people with mental health issues, you see.
Yes, sometimes you hear about schizophrenia sufferers stabbing people and that, but that's surely more a tragedy than an act of horror. Also, what's going on with Madman's face? He looks like he's been stung by a load of wasps. Still, being a loony he probably stuck his head in a hive or something...
"Durrrhhhhh! I wonder what's in here...??! Hey - hello, little stripey fellers. How you - ow! Ow! My face! They done gone and stung me... Durrrnhhhh!"
Hahaha. Mad people...!
Yes, sometimes you hear about schizophrenia sufferers stabbing people and that, but that's surely more a tragedy than an act of horror. Also, what's going on with Madman's face? He looks like he's been stung by a load of wasps. Still, being a loony he probably stuck his head in a hive or something...
"Durrrhhhhh! I wonder what's in here...??! Hey - hello, little stripey fellers. How you - ow! Ow! My face! They done gone and stung me... Durrrnhhhh!"
Hahaha. Mad people...!
GODZILLA
For anybody with even a passing awareness of Godzilla, this card was particularly baffling. Why is Godzilla wearing a big green overcoat, pink shirt, and purple bowtie? Where would he have gotten it from? Do they even make them in his size (XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL)? More to the point: how would such an outfit be practical, given the amount of time Godzilla spends underwater?
"Up from the depths
Thirty stories high
Breathing fire
His head in the sky
And looking sssssspectacular!"
"Up from the depths
Thirty stories high
Breathing fire
His head in the sky
And looking sssssspectacular!"
ZOLTAN
Zoltan? Who is Zoltan, please? We shall never know, and it probably doesn't matter. Let's not lose any sleep over it. In the picture on his card, Zoltan looks like he's cradling the body of his dying lover, and is about to burst into tears.
"Jimmy? Jimmy, what have they done to you?! Jimmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
"Jimmy? Jimmy, what have they done to you?! Jimmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
THOR
Another truly baffling one, particularly for fans of Marvel Comics. What exactly is going on with Thor's face there? Why does he have four eyes? Please note that Thor has a higher Killing Power than Death itself, and greater physical strength than Godzilla. Still, he is god. Specifically, if the card image is anything to go by, the God of Fetish Clubs and Short-Sightedness.
THE SLIME CREATURE
Presumably, the picture is meant to show The Slime Creature - real name "Nozzle" - stabbing somebody with a spear. It looks more like The Slime Creature has stumbled across this scene, and is too panicked to know what to do.
"Ohhhh noooooo! Noooooo! Nooooooooo! What do I do? What do I do?! Oh nooo - all my slime is coming out!"
"Ohhhh noooooo! Noooooo! Nooooooooo! What do I do? What do I do?! Oh nooo - all my slime is coming out!"
HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME
Again - "Hunchback" is probably a rather politically incorrect term for somebody suffering from kyphosis. Yes, Disney made a film out of Victor Hugo's novel, but you don't see a lot of Hunchback Disney toys do you? Oh, they flog Aerial the Little Mermaid and Beauty & The Beast dolls.
A hunchback? No. It's almost as if they're embarrassed about it, or don't think young girls want a cuddly doll of somebody with a physical deformity, or something.
Also, let's not forget that the entire thrust of both the novel and the animated movie was about looking beyond the physical, with Quasimodo depicted as an angel trapped in a devil's body. Putting him on a "horror" card? Well, that seems a little mean. given the themes Victor Hugo was aiming for. Still, he never ended up with the girl in either version of the story, which seems like mixed messages.
Perhaps Hugo was going for irony, but the title of his book always felt a bit mean. I mean, let's all write a book about a one-legged person on a boat, called The Pogo Stick Freak of the SS Monoped, or something about a deaf guy living in a clocktower, called The Deaffo-What-What? of Big Ben. Or an allergy sufferer who lives in a warehouse, called The Sneezing Freak of The Amazon Fulfilment Centre...
Pffft!
A hunchback? No. It's almost as if they're embarrassed about it, or don't think young girls want a cuddly doll of somebody with a physical deformity, or something.
Also, let's not forget that the entire thrust of both the novel and the animated movie was about looking beyond the physical, with Quasimodo depicted as an angel trapped in a devil's body. Putting him on a "horror" card? Well, that seems a little mean. given the themes Victor Hugo was aiming for. Still, he never ended up with the girl in either version of the story, which seems like mixed messages.
Perhaps Hugo was going for irony, but the title of his book always felt a bit mean. I mean, let's all write a book about a one-legged person on a boat, called The Pogo Stick Freak of the SS Monoped, or something about a deaf guy living in a clocktower, called The Deaffo-What-What? of Big Ben. Or an allergy sufferer who lives in a warehouse, called The Sneezing Freak of The Amazon Fulfilment Centre...
Pffft!
ALIEN CREATURE
"Phteven?"
TALON
Talon seems to be a big bird, who's had a bit too much to drink, and - having misread the signals - is now trying to get off with someone in a pub car park.
"C'mon, love - just one kiss."
"No, I don't want to!"
"Yes you do! I'll call a cab and we can go back to my nest."
"C'mon, love - just one kiss."
"No, I don't want to!"
"Yes you do! I'll call a cab and we can go back to my nest."
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