They say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but we all do it. I mean, even if a tramp had the magical ability to bestow unlimited riches upon you in return for a kiss, it's unlikely you'd plant one on the mouth if his lips were smeared with dog dirt. Actually, I probably would do that. But anyway.
Sadly, video games have reached a point where there's a decent amount of work and skill and money that goes into today's unremarkable, identikit, game covers.
It wasn't always the case - as evidenced by this exhaustive gallery of the worst, most wrong-headed, and poorly-conceived Commodore 64 box art...
Sadly, video games have reached a point where there's a decent amount of work and skill and money that goes into today's unremarkable, identikit, game covers.
It wasn't always the case - as evidenced by this exhaustive gallery of the worst, most wrong-headed, and poorly-conceived Commodore 64 box art...
3-D GLOOPER
I mean, just look at it. Look at that leering turd, with its coffee bean eyes... What even is it?!
AIR COMBAT EMULATOR
A properly decent enough bit of art. Which they chose to spoil somewhat with the unnecessary flash bubble reading "EAT HOT LEAD, $?*&!". That's a four letter word. There are only a few four-letter words in the English language which would require such censorship. Why did they feel the need to do this?!
BIRD MOTHER
The artwork is alright. What's less easily explained is why there was ever a game called "Bird Mother".
ANY GAME BY PERSONAL SOFTWARE SERVICES
"PISS". That's what you see whenever you look at a game released by Personal Software Services. You see the word "PISS".
CRAZY CAVEMAN
The caveman is so crazy he's just standing there in the desert screaming at thin air.
DAS MAGAZIN
Admittedly, it's never going to be easy to make a game about running a magazine seem exciting. However, Ariola Soft (there's a whole other kettle of questions) seemed to go out of its way to make Das Magazin appear as dull as possible.
HANS KLOSS
There's no escaping that cheeky Nazi smirk... or the enormous great phallus...
HELL GATE
That big green space dog has two extra heads instead of its hind legs. Please... what is this thing?
HELL HOLE
Yeah, we're all thinking it...
THE HELM
Again, an apparently blatant attempt to make a game as unappealing to potential customers as possible. Screenshots are all well and good. Less so when the screenshot is of a text adventure.
HOLLYWOOD POKER
If the makers of Hollywood Poker wanted to achieve a degree of representation for double amputees, then... well... good for them.
IK+
One of the greatest games ever released for the C64. Unfortunately, the cover makes it look as if the man in red has just been slapped around the back of his head by the bloke on the left.
JONAH BARRINGTON'S SQUASH
Jonah Barrington's Awkward Posing, more like. Presumably, the title refers to the contents of his tiny white shorts.
METAL WARRIOR 3
A strong contender for the worst cover art of all time. On the plus side, the guy with the shades appears to be armed with my kitchen bin.
THE ASTONISHING ADVENTURES OF MR WEEMS AND THE SHE VAMPIRES
This is obviously terrible, but there are deeper issues - beyond the improbable cleavage situation and the distressing wing arms. Not least how the She Vampire on the right ever fitted into that child's coffin.
PIPE MANIA
The individual components of this piece work well... in isolation. Unfortunately, the cartoon plumber and the photorealistic screaming man - who, presumably, has just dragged his wife's smouldering corpse from a burning vehicle - offer a jarring juxtaposition.
SOCCER BOSS
Horrible. What a horrible-looking person. Also, good work cutting off the heads of the players with the game's logo, idiots.
SPLAT!
Yes. Once again, we're all thinking it.
TROLLIE WALLIE
Interceptor did its best to turn Wallie into a franchise. With cover artwork this good it's astonishing they never achieved it.
WIN, LOSE OR DRAW
No comment necessary.
MICKEY MOUSE THE COMPUTER GAME
Yeah, we're all thinking it...
RSS Feed
