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THE MOST TERRIBLE, BIZARRE, AND ILL-CONSIDERED Commodore 64 COVER ART OF ALL TIME

13/9/2018

25 Comments

 
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They say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but we all do it. I mean, even if a tramp had the magical ability to bestow unlimited riches upon you in return for a kiss, it's unlikely you'd plant one on the mouth if his lips were smeared with dog dirt. Actually, I probably would do that. But anyway. 

Sadly, video games have reached a point where there's a decent amount of work and skill and money that goes into today's unremarkable, identikit, game covers.

It wasn't always the case - as evidenced by this exhaustive gallery of the worst, most wrong-headed, and poorly-conceived Commodore 64 box art...
3-D GLOOPER
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I mean, just look at it. Look at that leering turd, with its coffee bean eyes... What even is it?!
AIR COMBAT EMULATOR
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A properly decent enough bit of art. Which they chose to spoil somewhat with the unnecessary flash bubble reading "EAT HOT LEAD, $?*&!". That's a four letter word. There are only a few four-letter words in the English language which would require such censorship. Why did they feel the need to do this?!
BIRD MOTHER
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The artwork is alright. What's less easily explained is why there was ever a game called "Bird Mother".
ANY GAME BY PERSONAL SOFTWARE SERVICES
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"PISS". That's what you see whenever you look at a game released by Personal Software Services. You see the word "PISS".
CRAZY CAVEMAN
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The caveman is so crazy he's just standing there in the desert screaming at thin air.
DAS MAGAZIN
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Admittedly, it's never going to be easy to make a game about running a magazine seem exciting. However, Ariola Soft (there's a whole other kettle of questions) seemed to go out of its way to make Das Magazin appear as dull as possible. 
HANS KLOSS
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There's no escaping that cheeky Nazi smirk... or the enormous great phallus...
HELL GATE
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That big green space dog has two extra heads instead of its hind legs. Please... what is this thing?
HELL HOLE
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Yeah, we're all thinking it...
THE HELM 
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Again, an apparently blatant attempt to make a game as unappealing to potential customers as possible. Screenshots are all well and good. Less so when the screenshot is of a text adventure. 
HOLLYWOOD POKER
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If the makers of Hollywood Poker wanted to achieve a degree of representation for double amputees, then... well... good for them. 
IK+
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One of the greatest games ever released for the C64. Unfortunately, the cover makes it look as if the man in red has just been slapped around the back of his head by the bloke on the left. 
JONAH BARRINGTON'S SQUASH
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Jonah Barrington's Awkward Posing, more like. Presumably, the title refers to the contents of his tiny white shorts.
METAL WARRIOR 3
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A strong contender for the worst cover art of all time. On the plus side, the guy with the shades appears to be armed with my kitchen bin.
THE ASTONISHING ADVENTURES OF MR WEEMS AND THE SHE VAMPIRES
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This is obviously terrible, but there are deeper issues - beyond the improbable cleavage situation and the distressing wing arms. Not least how the She Vampire on the right ever fitted into that child's coffin.
PIPE MANIA
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The individual components of this piece work well... in isolation. Unfortunately, the cartoon plumber and the photorealistic screaming man - who, presumably, has just dragged his wife's smouldering corpse from a burning vehicle - offer a jarring juxtaposition. 
SOCCER BOSS
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Horrible. What a horrible-looking person. Also, good work cutting off the heads of the players with the game's logo, idiots.
SPLAT!
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Yes. Once again, we're all thinking it.
TROLLIE WALLIE
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Interceptor did its best to turn Wallie into a franchise. With cover artwork this good it's astonishing they never achieved it.  
WIN, LOSE OR DRAW
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No comment necessary.
MICKEY MOUSE THE COMPUTER GAME
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Yeah, we're all thinking it...
25 Comments
THX 1139
13/9/2018 10:35:00 am

Wally Week was THE 80s gaming Wally, so the name caught on eventually. And if you got an answer wrong on Bob's Full House you would be wallied. That must have had a tie-in game, right?

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Jim Leighton (Future World Darts Champion) x
13/9/2018 10:36:03 am

What are we all thinking?

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Pardon Hook
13/9/2018 01:00:20 pm

I was unsure what we were all thinking about Hell Hole. Not the others, though.

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RichardM
13/9/2018 08:34:55 pm

It made me think of where Christopher Walken kept Bruce Willis’ dad’s watch in Pulp Fiction. I may be alone in this.

RG
13/9/2018 10:47:05 am

I was thinking the same thing for Splat and the screaming guy from Pipe Mania.

Also - I think somebody has been cheating in Hollywood Poker.

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Robobob
13/9/2018 10:53:43 am

I assume the big green space dog is supposed to be Cerberus...but the camp loveable version who runs up to you and licks you with each of his three tongues.

So...many...hilariously...bad...covers. The dead zombie eyes of the woman on the Poker game, the anguished screaming face on Pipe Mania behind the cartoon man, the rubbish drawing of the Win Lose or Draw cover. All shit, all brilliant, all brilliantly shit.

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Spiney O’Sullivan
13/9/2018 11:14:57 am

Is it just me, or does the simple typeface for “Bird Mother: Life’s A Struggle” look like it wouldn’t be out of place in today’s game stores? (Especially coupled with the PS4-sequel blue bar across the top). The cover actually reminds me a bit of Goat Simulator.

Maybe it is just me, though. I mean, I also thought that the shouty chap on the football game looked a bit like Nigel Farage upon seeing someone eating a croissant in Britain.

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Kelvin Green link
13/9/2018 08:37:53 pm

It's not just you; I also thought that "soccer boss" looked like a young Farage.

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Boccer Soss
13/9/2018 11:32:40 am

Can we post image links here? If so, I've seen that Soccer Guy before... https://bit.ly/2OcfkaG

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flingel
13/9/2018 01:00:54 pm

Nice to see Brian from Greg Davies' Man Down on the cover of Jonah Barrington's Squash.

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Dr. Budd Buttocks, MD
13/9/2018 01:28:22 pm

My copy of IK+ had the fighters in the same poses, but they were quite obviously reproduced from photos of Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme. Interesting

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Mrtankthreat
13/9/2018 01:58:32 pm

The most egregious aspect of the Hollywood Poker cover is that there were six aces in that deck of cards.

Also maybe the artists were prophesying this guy;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srdM29mS16M

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Adam
13/9/2018 02:11:03 pm

And what does Hollywood have to do with poker? Vegas Poker I could understand, but Hollywood?

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Floop
13/9/2018 02:52:14 pm

Trollie Wallie reminds me of murun buchstansangur, a disturbing cartoon from my childhood

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Starbuck
14/9/2018 10:34:39 pm

The most depressive and depressing cartoon character ever. Thanks for the memory.

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DEAN
13/9/2018 03:14:43 pm

Brilliant!

Is it just me or are Mickey Mouse's ears too small?

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jim
13/9/2018 03:23:14 pm

Crap cover but the Firebird logo and font is cool on 'The Helm'

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Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
13/9/2018 05:40:38 pm

Pretty sure that’s a commercial airliner cockpit for “ACE” and he’s awfully close to all that stuff happening in front of him.

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ZoddyZod
13/9/2018 05:57:47 pm

genuine tears of laughter for Pipe Mania. Another triumph, Mr Biffo!

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Marro
13/9/2018 09:24:35 pm

Yes it is a literal cry for help. I hope someone took the artist to one side and discreetly asked how things were at home.

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Mrtankthreat
13/9/2018 10:05:37 pm

MW3 is growing on me. It looks like a cross between Metalocalypse concept art and the kind of thing a child would send in to Art Attack or Blue Peter. The guy in the middle also reminds me of Beavis and Butthead's friend Stewart.

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Wayne D
14/9/2018 07:29:53 pm

Stewart wets his bed, daa naaa!!!
Stewart wets his bed, daa naaa!!!

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colincidence link
14/9/2018 10:44:30 pm

Graham Linehan there in Park Patrol

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Geebs
15/9/2018 07:08:51 am

I know plenty of four letter words, but none of them actually form a meaningful sentence when appended to "Eat Hot Lead,...".

Unless the pilot is Ray Winstone and the word is "Slag".

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MrPixels
26/10/2018 12:23:55 pm

Is it me or does football-headed screaming Soccer Boss man look like Nigel Farage?

Reply



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