THE MOST BORING GAMES EVER MADE

Do you remember when you were a kid, and your parents would say to you: "Only boring people get bored"?

Yeah, well... you know what? Fuck off.

I've been bored loads of times; watching TV, having a wee (never a poo), and even while playing video games. That doesn't make me boring. It just means others have failed to entertain me sufficiently. 

Anyway, some games are born boring, while others have boringness thrust upon them. I don't know what that means, but it's as good a way as any to introduce this definitive list of the ten most boring games ever, and something has to go in this bit. Please note: some of these games are deliberately dull, and some are simply dull by nature of their subject matter. 

Regardless, all are so soul-crushingly mundane that I defy you to reach the end of the list. 

SENSIBLE TRAIN SPOTTING (AMIGA)

Sensible Software's final Amiga release was featured on an Amiga Power coverdisk. The tongue-in-cheek Sensible Train Spotting required you to check off train numbers as they passed through the station. That was it. It even dared to call players "sad".

Years later, a bona-fide transpotting simulator, Train Tracking - claiming to be the first game to ever attempt to recreate this insipid obsession - was released by a company called Demon Star. Furious, campaigning games journalist Stuart Campbell (also a former Digitiser columnist and Sensible Software employee) protested their claims by making the game freely available on his website -  which is exactly the sort of thing he'd do - goading Demon Star into taking legal action.

"Nowhere in this story, the game's documentation, the scrolling message on the title screen, the company's website or anywhere else is the blatant plagiarising of someone else's game acknowledged in even the slightest passing way," Campbell wrote.

I went trainspotting with my brother-in-law once, and I said "Cheers, big ears" to a man from British Rail when he gave us directions, and my brother-in-law hit me. 

ADVANCED LAWNMOWER SIMULATOR (ZX SPECTRUM)

Advanced Lawnmower Simulator was originally featured in a Your Sinclair review for April Fool's Day - where it was awarded the coveted Megagame honour - before appearing the following month as an actual game on the mag's covertape. It was all a big joke, see?!?!?

The game required you to first select your lawnmower. Upon starting the engine, your gardener would do the mowing for you. Yes.

As hilariously ridiculous as this was as a concept, there have been other lawnmower simulators released since, which weren't intended as a joke, proving that some people really will buy any old shit. 

WAITING IN LINE 3D (BROWSER-BASED)

With an aesthetic borrowed from Doom, Waiting In Line 3D is simply a game of waiting in a queue, where the only controls are jump and punch - albeit only to punch yourself in the face in order to stay awake. Punch yourself too frequently and you will die.

You can play it here. 

You know how they say that queueing was invented by the British? Yeah, well that's not true. Apparently, the first recorded mention of anybody standing in a queue was in an 1837 book about The French Revolution. It read: “If we look now at Paris, one thing is too evident: that the Bakers’ shops have got their Queues, or Tails; their long strings of purchasers, arranged in tail, so that the first come be the first served.”

It wasn't until a 1944 essay by George Orwell - which referred to our "willingness to form queues" - that it became associated with the British.

​All of which begs the question: what did people do before then if they wanted bread? Was it just a free-for-all? Olde-timey people were animals.

STREET CLEANING SIMULATOR (PC)

Styled like similarly mundane simulations, such as Euro Truck Simulator and Crane Simulator, Street Cleaning Simulator saw you driving a street cleaning vehicle around a busy city.

Features included:

• 3 highly detailed and interactive vehicles!
• Manual emptying the dirt container and filling the fresh water tanks!
• Remove dirt with several different cleaning techniques to complete the demanding and varied missions!
• Detailed game world with complex AI traffic including pedestrians!
• Dynamic time of day changes and high quality particle system!

It sounds like it was intended as a joke game, but by all accounts they were deadly serious. I mean, it's great that there are people who are willing to tidy up after others - enough to make a game of it viable - but if I wanted to spend my time cleaning filth I'd do something about the enormous nest of defilement next to my bed. 

DESERT BUS (MEGA DRIVE)

Unfortunately, Desert Bus has developed a bit of an irritating cult following - leading to many an ironic remake, including a VR version.

It was intended as part of an anthology game for the Mega Drive, Penn & Teller's Smoke and Mirrors, but publisher Absolute Entertainment went tits-up before it could be released. The game leaked online in 2005, where its ridiculous following grew.

The Desert Bus mini game required players to drive an empty bus across the desert - slowly racking up points as you went back and forth between your stops. The landscape never changed, save for the passage of day to night, and an insect splatting onto your windscreen roughly five hours in. Played in real time, the ultimate aim was simply to not fall asleep or lose interest.

Despite its seemingly whimsical theme, Penn Jillette has commented that it was designed as a satirical reaction to moral panic over violent games. There was also going to be a prize awarded to the player with the highest score.

​According to Jillette, this "Was going to be, you got to go on Desert Bus from Tucson to Vegas with showgirls and a live band and just the most partying bus ever. You got to Vegas, we're going to put you up at the Rio, big thing, and then, you know, big shows." 

Big thing.

AMAZING VIRTUAL SEA MONKEYS (VARIOUS)

Sea Monkeys are the worst things ever. On the rare occasion they actually grow into anything, they have all the entertainment value of pouring a loved-one's ashes into a bowl of water. Triops are well better. At least you can see triops (although it's not much different to drowning a load of woodlice).

Admittedly, the Amazing Virtual Sea Monkeys game attempted to enliven the reality somewhat by allowing you to entertain your Sea Monkeys with karaoke and new decorations for their tank, and introducing a basic virtual pet element.

However, the fact that the publishers claimed it could "also be used as a screen saver" probably tells you all you need to know. 

You know what real Sea Monkeys can also be used for? STAMPING ON.

SNEEK N' PEEK (ATARI 2600)

I'll say it now - and please try not to be too outraged - but a game based upon hide and seek isn't the worst idea ever. Unfortunately, Sneek N' Peek is probably one of the worst games ever.

One player would hide their character behind some furniture while the other player hid their eyes. Then they would take over and attempt to find the other player. You know: like hide and seek, only fifty times more tedious and futile.

Get this: I once played hide and seek at a mate's house and during the game I glued a loofah to the bottom of his bath, and he got all mad at me, because he thought his dad - a Marxist, apparently - would blame him. Also, I dropped sweet and sour sauce on his carpet once, and he got all mad at me, because he thought his dad - a Marxist, apparently - would blame him. 

COOKIE CLICKER (BROWSER-BASED)

I was unsure whether to put this on the list, because a "game" in which the aim was to click your mouse pointer on a picture of a cookie as many times as possible shouldn't have been addictive... but it was. 

And while we're talking about things being "addictive", please stop using the word "addicting" as an adjective. It's a verb, and the next person I see who writes or says something like "Oooh, this heroin is so addicting" is going to get a punch in their horrible, scrawny, throat. 

Anyway. Cookie c​licks could be spent on buildings, achievements and upgrades to make your clicking more productive. There was no end. Ever. Eventually, I even downloaded a plug-in which did the clicking for me, making the whole thing even more pointless than it was already.

PASS THE LEC LEVEL 3 BOOKKEEPING EXAM BY STUDYING SERIOUSLY (NINTENDO DS)

Square Enix is best known these days for the Tomb Raider games, but in 2007 it attempted to branch out into business software, releasing this bookkeeping training simulator for the Nintendo DS. Given that it was only ever released in Japan, and thus was written entirely in gibberish, I couldn't tell you whether it was any good or not, but - c'mon - it was a bookkeeping trainer with the word "seriously" in the title.

It was, essentially, an established 10-day accounting industry training course condensed into game form. And therefore, probably as interesting as that sounds.

SHENMUE (DREAMCAST)

Ha ha ha! I trolled you bad. I TROLLED YOU BAD!!!!!