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THE MOST AWKWARD ARCADE GAME ADS EVER

9/5/2017

24 Comments

 
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Before it became better known for upsetting Hideo Kojima (who, frankly, missed a trick when he didn't call his new company "Hideo Games") Konami was a big deal in the arcades.

Scramble, Contra, Sunset Riders, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... to be honest, the list is longer than either of us would want me to lazily cut-and-paste here.

Unfortunately, during the 80s, Konami chose to sell their arcade machines to potential buyers with some of the most awkward and regressive promotional flyers ever conceived. Here's a bunch of them. Brace for big hair and stone-washed jeans!
TRACK & FIELD
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He's running, he's ahead of the pack... his face a picture of intense concentration, his eyes focused on that finish line, and... oh! Oh, it's over there.
RUSH N' ATTACK
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Mum: "Shall I? Shall I do it? Shall I? No, really - should I do it? Alright, I'm going to do it. Ready?"

<HOLLOW THUMP>

Blondie: "Ow! Mum! My vertebrae!"

Mum: "OhmydaysIdidn'tmeantodoitthathardhahahaareyouokay?"

Blondie: "I can't feel my legs..."
HAUNTED CASTLE
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Three takeaways from this: 1) Literally the worst hiding ever. 2) Dracula must be blind if he can't see her. Can't he use sonar, or something? 3) Why are there skulls just laying around? You're meant to put the bodies in the ground, idiots.
WEC LE MANS 24
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WEC Le Mans 24? I don't remember WEC Le Mans 1 through 23. Lolololololol. Also: what exactly is going on here? That arcade cabinet has run over the woman in the black skirt ("Come back, Dennis! I still love you!")... Denim Skirt is shouting for it to stop... and Stripe Shirt is so impressed that he's doffing his cap...?

​Is that it? Frankly, it's very hard to tell.
TOP GUNNER
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The torn crop top on a size-zero model is something of a staple for Konami's flyers. As for the fellers, they're meant to look tough, presumably... and yet... yet... OH MY GOD LOOK AT HIS GROTESQUELY HAIRY FOREARMS!!
VENDETTA
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Guy with knife: "This alright? This menacing enough, yeah? I'm so drunk..."

Girl: "Bring more pills! I can feel my smile slipping! MORE PILLS! HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA! PILLS! PILLSSSSSSSSS!"

Man: "Pils?"
CRIME FIGHTERS
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Are these the toughest looking criminals of all time? Answer: No.

Also, the guy in the braces looks like he's stepped out of a 1980s Weetabix ad. And is the girl breaking wind? Why else would she have lifted her leg like that?
PUNKSHOT
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A middle-aged 1980s advertising executive's idea of what punks look like. The three at the front are staring at the ball like they don't know what it is.

Mohawk: "Is that some kind of brown egg?"

Kneepads: "I bet it contains, like, a wyvern!"
MISSING IN ACTION
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Where to begin? The two prisoners look happy enough, presumably because they get to stare at the intended lovely in her grey socks while she stands there motionless outside their cage for upwards of nine hours a day. Will they ever tire of her visible spine?
AJAX
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Never mind the ill-concealed sexual overtones... who goes to war in heels? Also: another torn vest.
88 GAMES
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She's meant to look like she just won the gold, but has the rictus grin of somebody who's just realised she pooed herself the second she raised her left arm.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
15 HORRIBLE RETRO GAME ADS
10 VINTAGE COMPUTER ADS
10 VINTAGE GERMAN ATARI ADS EXPLAINED

24 Comments
DEAN
9/5/2017 09:27:24 am

Vendetta looks awesome - I very recently threw out a hot pink T-shirt.
When I bought it, I knew it was wrong but it fitted nice, was cheap (£7) and I thought it really brought out my colouring (a pallid tangerine).
Anyway, I wore it on holiday and felt like a singer in a 'cool' choir or an inmate at a progressive prison or somebody that euthanises kids at a Swiss clinic...
In a cathartic fit of incensed savagery, I put it in the peddle bin.

Reply
Mr. T
9/5/2017 10:24:47 am

Hi kids! I was busy Dancing With The Stars, but now I'm back with some more advice for you all.

There are places that you should follow dress codes, such as schools and funerals. However, if you like wearing hot pink in your own time, then don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's your decision, and people should respect that.

Remember, if you're not an individual, you're part of the crowd. That can lead to dangerous behaviour, like taking drugs, or hanging around near my house.

If I EVER catch you STUFFING hideous DAY-GLO T-shirts into my PEDAL BIN, I will PERSONALLY save you the COST of a SWISS CLINIC.

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David W
9/5/2017 09:43:25 am

Ajax is wrong, but most others have a sense of fun that promotional art forgot. I'll take Haunted Castle over brooding vampires any day.

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Damon Gage
9/5/2017 10:38:20 am

I want to know how Konami managed to get both Charlie Sheen and Dean Gaffney for that photo shoot for Missing in Action.

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Da5e
9/5/2017 10:47:14 am

http://imgur.com/a/LYB1m - this one is my favourite, mainly due to the look of resignation on Makeup and Leopardprint Bloke's face.

(Martial Champion is actually really good.)

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Clive Forteviot
9/5/2017 12:49:35 pm

Great feature but it really got me wondering how you stumbled across these ads,nice reference on the old weetabix gang,I'd still eat weetabix today if those hooligans were still in their ads,i believe the leader of the gang was voiced by the late great Bob Hoskins.

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Wrist Flapper
9/5/2017 12:57:22 pm

Nobody's going to mention where Top Gunner's pointing his rifle? No wonder the driver's white knuckling the steering wheel.

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Matthew Long
9/5/2017 04:55:22 pm

Genuinely laughed out loud at that!

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David W
9/5/2017 07:10:31 pm

He's preparing to "blow away the competition."

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Chris
9/5/2017 01:34:39 pm

Is it my eyes, or do a lot of these adverts contain the same three models? Are they Konami employees?

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Frank Chickens
9/5/2017 04:50:52 pm

You're not the only one to have noticed, Chris.

Definitely looks like they got in a few of their employees and asked if they fancy earning an extra $50 to appear in their ads.

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Matthew Long
9/5/2017 04:56:39 pm

I was thinking the same thing!

Loved these ads, great article.

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Chris
9/5/2017 01:36:12 pm

Also: Punkshot. How did the photographer not notice the cleaner walking into shot?

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Tim Wilson
9/5/2017 03:52:32 pm

The driver in the 'Top Gunner' advert looks like he's only there because he won a competition.

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Rictus Rectum link
9/5/2017 04:40:06 pm

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Rictus Rectum
9/5/2017 04:43:44 pm

My boom-boom is still feeling a little ouef. Could someone send the bum doctor?!

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Dr Alex P. Gaywood
9/5/2017 04:45:31 pm

I just got the joke.... "Rush 'n' Attack" is meant to sound like "Russian Attack". Aaaaargh, those communists are coming to get us!

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Rictus Rectum
9/5/2017 05:00:50 pm

You're a gay doctor? I'm not gay but I do have something stuck up my gayhole. Could you help extract it?

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Mentski link
9/5/2017 05:21:00 pm

I used to have a tumblr page I called "Crazy Arcade Flyers".

Konami's use of "Rambettes" all wearing the same tattered green crop-top was an ongoing joke.

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Kelvin Green link
9/5/2017 09:36:18 pm

I've never heard of Rush'n Attack, but I'd recognise that red bridge anywhere. It's Green Beret! Why on earth did the Americans give their version such a stupid name?

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Chris
9/5/2017 10:34:06 pm

I recognised that as Green Bert too! Was wondering why it had a different name, thought it might be some sort of knock-off.

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Scott C
10/5/2017 10:28:06 pm

Me too, had that on my ZX Spectrum. I remember it being one of the better "conversions" but I could only get to the start of level 2 once or twice.

Spiney O'Sullivan
10/5/2017 08:53:57 am

Say what you like about the awful and bizarre poses, there's some excellent hairdos on display there.

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Jenny
21/5/2017 08:11:30 pm

It's the same torn vest!!

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