Before it became better known for upsetting Hideo Kojima (who, frankly, missed a trick when he didn't call his new company "Hideo Games") Konami was a big deal in the arcades.
Scramble, Contra, Sunset Riders, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... to be honest, the list is longer than either of us would want me to lazily cut-and-paste here.
Unfortunately, during the 80s, Konami chose to sell their arcade machines to potential buyers with some of the most awkward and regressive promotional flyers ever conceived. Here's a bunch of them. Brace for big hair and stone-washed jeans!
Scramble, Contra, Sunset Riders, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... to be honest, the list is longer than either of us would want me to lazily cut-and-paste here.
Unfortunately, during the 80s, Konami chose to sell their arcade machines to potential buyers with some of the most awkward and regressive promotional flyers ever conceived. Here's a bunch of them. Brace for big hair and stone-washed jeans!
TRACK & FIELD
He's running, he's ahead of the pack... his face a picture of intense concentration, his eyes focused on that finish line, and... oh! Oh, it's over there.
RUSH N' ATTACK
Mum: "Shall I? Shall I do it? Shall I? No, really - should I do it? Alright, I'm going to do it. Ready?"
<HOLLOW THUMP>
Blondie: "Ow! Mum! My vertebrae!"
Mum: "OhmydaysIdidn'tmeantodoitthathardhahahaareyouokay?"
Blondie: "I can't feel my legs..."
<HOLLOW THUMP>
Blondie: "Ow! Mum! My vertebrae!"
Mum: "OhmydaysIdidn'tmeantodoitthathardhahahaareyouokay?"
Blondie: "I can't feel my legs..."
HAUNTED CASTLE
Three takeaways from this: 1) Literally the worst hiding ever. 2) Dracula must be blind if he can't see her. Can't he use sonar, or something? 3) Why are there skulls just laying around? You're meant to put the bodies in the ground, idiots.
WEC LE MANS 24
WEC Le Mans 24? I don't remember WEC Le Mans 1 through 23. Lolololololol. Also: what exactly is going on here? That arcade cabinet has run over the woman in the black skirt ("Come back, Dennis! I still love you!")... Denim Skirt is shouting for it to stop... and Stripe Shirt is so impressed that he's doffing his cap...?
Is that it? Frankly, it's very hard to tell.
Is that it? Frankly, it's very hard to tell.
TOP GUNNER
The torn crop top on a size-zero model is something of a staple for Konami's flyers. As for the fellers, they're meant to look tough, presumably... and yet... yet... OH MY GOD LOOK AT HIS GROTESQUELY HAIRY FOREARMS!!
VENDETTA
Guy with knife: "This alright? This menacing enough, yeah? I'm so drunk..."
Girl: "Bring more pills! I can feel my smile slipping! MORE PILLS! HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA! PILLS! PILLSSSSSSSSS!"
Man: "Pils?"
Girl: "Bring more pills! I can feel my smile slipping! MORE PILLS! HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA! PILLS! PILLSSSSSSSSS!"
Man: "Pils?"
CRIME FIGHTERS
Are these the toughest looking criminals of all time? Answer: No.
Also, the guy in the braces looks like he's stepped out of a 1980s Weetabix ad. And is the girl breaking wind? Why else would she have lifted her leg like that?
Also, the guy in the braces looks like he's stepped out of a 1980s Weetabix ad. And is the girl breaking wind? Why else would she have lifted her leg like that?
PUNKSHOT
A middle-aged 1980s advertising executive's idea of what punks look like. The three at the front are staring at the ball like they don't know what it is.
Mohawk: "Is that some kind of brown egg?"
Kneepads: "I bet it contains, like, a wyvern!"
Mohawk: "Is that some kind of brown egg?"
Kneepads: "I bet it contains, like, a wyvern!"
MISSING IN ACTION
Where to begin? The two prisoners look happy enough, presumably because they get to stare at the intended lovely in her grey socks while she stands there motionless outside their cage for upwards of nine hours a day. Will they ever tire of her visible spine?
AJAX
Never mind the ill-concealed sexual overtones... who goes to war in heels? Also: another torn vest.
88 GAMES
She's meant to look like she just won the gold, but has the rictus grin of somebody who's just realised she pooed herself the second she raised her left arm.
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