THE MAN'S DADDY'S NEWEST JOKES

Hello. I'm a popular comedian called The Man's Daddy. I dare say some of you have watched me on one of those modern comedy panel shows, such as Eat Out of Ten Cats, Haven't I Got Some News Compares 2U, and QI For The Straight Guy. 

Unfortunately, I don't like appearing on these sorts of shows, so in lieu of cracking any topical funnies, I prefer to clamber onto the desk, squat on my haunches, and rub my hands together. Oh well. It doesn't matter, I suppose. At least I go on them, which is more than I can say for most people.

Here are some jokes that I've just written. They only took about three minutes to do, and I forgot to read them back. Never mind. They're probably fine. Well, bye then. Yeah... bye.

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QUESTION: Which food is known as "The Silent Brown"?
ANSWER: Ssssssssshtew.

QUESTION: Brad Pitt has a vestigial twin on his right shoulder blade. What is its name?
ANSWER: Brodd Pit.

QUESTION: What happens to Jewish ostrich boys on the eighth day of their life?
ANSWER: They are ostracised.

QUESTION: Which creature is the most fortunate creature in the world?
ANSWER: The Luckiness Monster (Loch Ness Monster).

QUESTION: What are you crying about?
ANSWER: A sad story you thought up about a tragic centaur (kicked in face; died).

QUESTION: What is the opposite of a yeti?
ANSWER: A not-yeti. 

QUESTION: What game was invented by Norman Tebbit? 
ANSWER: Tebble Tennis.

QUESTION: What was Jesus Christ's maiden name?
ANSWER: Jesus Cripes.

QUESTION: Brodkin is to smodkin as branz is to...?
ANSWER: Unknown.

QUESTION: What lives in a haunted house and is covered in faeces? 
ANSWER: A grhosst. 

QUESTION: Who believes telephones are reincarnated lobsters?
ANSWER: The Salvador Dali Lama.

QUESTION: What's the best way to fail at a job interview?
ANSWER: Don't get the job.

QUESTION: What should you do if your thicket has been stolen?
ANSWER: Call the copse.

QUESTION: Which living things are the most approximate on earth?
ANSWER: F-ish.

QUESTION: What is the punchline to this joke?
ANSWER: Polly-unsaturated.

QUESTION: Why shouldn't Eric repair your roof?
ANSWER: He has Eric-tile dysfunction.

QUESTION: Why did the actor carry a sculptor's supporting framework into his audition?
ANSWER: He wanted to join an armature dramatics society.

QUESTION: Which hilarious fungus do pigs like digging up?
ANSWER: Trofls (truffles).

QUESTION: What is the science of shrinking monkey food to microscopic size?
ANSWER: Bananotechnology.

QUESTION: Which actor usually wears loafers?
ANSWER: Bread Pitt.

QUESTION: Which actor likes being sliced open and stuffed with meat?
ANSWER: Brad Pitta.

QUESTION: Where can you read about dead satellites?
ANSWER: Orbituaries.

QUESTION: Where does Darth Vader have for dinner?
ANSWER: Microwaved Play-Doh.

QUESTION: What is the opposite of badbye?
ANSWER: Goodbye.

FROM THE ARCHIVE:

• MAN'S DADDY: NEW YEAR JOKES
  
• THE MAN'S DADDY'S COMEDY JOKE-O-MATIC
  
• THE MAN'S DADDY: Mother-in-Law Jokes