Unfortunately, I don't like appearing on these sorts of shows, so in lieu of cracking any topical funnies, I prefer to clamber onto the desk, squat on my haunches, and rub my hands together. Oh well. It doesn't matter, I suppose. At least I go on them, which is more than I can say for most people.
Here are some jokes that I've just written. They only took about three minutes to do, and I forgot to read them back. Never mind. They're probably fine. Well, bye then. Yeah... bye.
QUESTION: Brad Pitt has a vestigial twin on his right shoulder blade. What is its name?
ANSWER: Brodd Pit.
QUESTION: What happens to Jewish ostrich boys on the eighth day of their life?
ANSWER: They are ostracised.
QUESTION: Which creature is the most fortunate creature in the world?
ANSWER: The Luckiness Monster (Loch Ness Monster).
QUESTION: What are you crying about?
ANSWER: A sad story you thought up about a tragic centaur (kicked in face; died).
QUESTION: What is the opposite of a yeti?
ANSWER: A not-yeti.
QUESTION: What game was invented by Norman Tebbit?
ANSWER: Tebble Tennis.
QUESTION: What was Jesus Christ's maiden name?
ANSWER: Jesus Cripes.
QUESTION: Brodkin is to smodkin as branz is to...?
QUESTION: What lives in a haunted house and is covered in faeces?
ANSWER: A grhosst.
QUESTION: Who believes telephones are reincarnated lobsters?
ANSWER: The Salvador Dali Lama.
QUESTION: What's the best way to fail at a job interview?
ANSWER: Don't get the job.
QUESTION: What should you do if your thicket has been stolen?
ANSWER: Call the copse.
QUESTION: Which living things are the most approximate on earth?
QUESTION: What is the punchline to this joke?
QUESTION: Why shouldn't Eric repair your roof?
ANSWER: He has Eric-tile dysfunction.
QUESTION: Why did the actor carry a sculptor's supporting framework into his audition?
ANSWER: He wanted to join an armature dramatics society.
QUESTION: Which hilarious fungus do pigs like digging up?
ANSWER: Trofls (truffles).
QUESTION: What is the science of shrinking monkey food to microscopic size?
QUESTION: Which actor usually wears loafers?
ANSWER: Bread Pitt.
QUESTION: Which actor likes being sliced open and stuffed with meat?
ANSWER: Brad Pitta.
QUESTION: Where can you read about dead satellites?
QUESTION: Where does Darth Vader have for dinner?
ANSWER: Microwaved Play-Doh.
QUESTION: What is the opposite of badbye?