I've spent most of this month on my latest comedy tour. It was a good tour, but also a bad tour, because at one of my shows the audience died. It was so sad. They all boiled to death in the lobby!
Anyway, I'm ready now to share with you some of the hilarious comedy jokes I've been telling on tour. I can't be certain, but I think these might be my best jokes yet. Or my worst. Who can say?
Either way, I hope you like them. Well, I'd better go. I've got a lot of washing to do. I only got back last night. Well, bye then. Bye. Hope you like these jokes. Yeah, bye. See you soon, yeah? Okay, yeah. Bye. Bye then. Enjoy my jokes. Bye. See you soon, I hope. Bye.
ANSWER: The "shed" skin of a snake!
QUESTION: What sort of mound is very woolly and silent?
ANSWER: A ssssh-heap! (sheep)
QUESTION: What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
ANSWER: A worm biting into your Adam's apple!
QUESTION: Why did James Bond wrap the bad man Blofeld in a thin sheet of aluminium?
ANSWER: He wanted to "foil" his plot!!!
QUESTION: Why is James Bond's boss called M?
ANSWER: It's short for "Martin"!
QUESTION: What's the best way to wind up a clock?
ANSWER: Keep calling it a watch.
QUESTION: What is Batman's full name?
ANSWER: Bathilda Mannington.
QUESTION: What is Superman's full name?
ANSWER: Jessuper Assman.
QUESTION: What is Spongebob Squarepants' full name?
ANSWER: Spongerobert Squarepants.
QUESTION: What was King Henry 8th know as after 1971?
ANSWER: King Henry 0.125.
QUESTION: Can you complete this Olympic medal sequence: Gold, Silver, Bronze...?
ANSWER: ...Rice Krispies, Tallow and Ghee.
QUESTION: Where does Slenderman live?
ANSWER: On a narrowboat in "Lankyshire" (Lancashire)!
QUESTION: What do you call a chicken you're not related to by blood?
ANSWER: Step-hen (Stephen)!
QUESTION: Which pop group was made up of people who were related to one another via their parents' marriage?
QUESTION: Which other other pop group was made up of people who were related to one another via their parents' marriage?
ANSWER: Steps-Club 7 (S-Club 7)!