Sorry I haven't been here much, but I've been off working the cruise ships. It has been a lot of fun performing every night to fat seasick drunks on a boat, but I'm very glad to be back on the old terra firma.
Not least because on my last trip the entire ship went into lockdown due to the norovirus. Four people died, the ship had to be quarantined off the coast of Miami, and then a fire broke out which killed even more people.
Alright, that isn't a very funny anecdote, but... well... in fact, it isn't funny at all. It's just really sad and disgusting. I can still smell the smoke and poo.
Anyway. Onwards and upwards, as they say. Why not cheer yourself up with these jokes that I wrote while watching one of the passengers die? I hope you like them. Yeah, well, bye then. Yeah, bye. See you soon. Bye. Hope you like the jokes. Smoke and poo, yeah? Bye then. Yeah, bye.
ANSWER: Mow-Glee (Mowgli)
QUESTION: Where's the worst place to go on holiday?
ANSWER: Your own grave.
QUESTION: What do you call a trio of French swordsmen who wish to eat Elon Musk, the co-founder of the company Space-X?
ANSWER: The Three Musk-Eaters (The Three Musketeers).
QUESTION: What do tilers do instead of staying in?
ANSWER: They grout (go out).
QUESTION: Who is your favourite Spice Girl?
QUESTION: What's the worst way to travel backwards in time?
ANSWER: Just feeding a pig with a spoon, and waiting a bit, yeah.
QUESTION: Which man-eating shark waits before attacking swimmers?
ANSWER: Pause (Jaws).
QUESTION: What should you do if your toilet is blocked with purple fruit?
ANSWER: Call a plummer (plumber).
QUESTION: What should you do if your anus is blocked with purple fruit?
ANSWER: Use haemorrhoid cream.
QUESTION: Who was the brightest pop singer of all time?
ANSWER: Hi-Vis Presley (Elvis Presley).
QUESTION: What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
ANSWER: Biting into an apple and finding a small brain.
QUESTION: Where do drunk fitness fanatics work out?
ANSWER: The gyn (gym/gin).
QUESTION: What do astronauts fear the most?
ANSWER: The space wobbles.
QUESTION: Where do people from Pennsylvania store their stationary?
ANSWER: In a Pennsyl case (pencil case)
QUESTION: What did you think of these jokes?
ANSWER: They were fine.