THE MAN'S DADDY'S ELECTION SPECIAL

Hello. I'm a popular comedian called The Man's Daddy. I'm here today with some fantastic topical political jokes that I've written to mark the 2017 General Election. I hope these jokes are okay. I just made them up off the top of my head. It only took me a couple of minutes. Oh well.

Please be aware, that these jokes are just for fun, and even though they will be among the most satirical jokes you'll ever read, they are not in any way intended to influence your decision on polling day.

In fact, I don't even know who I'm going to be voting for. I never do. Last time, I even spoiled my paper! Although that was mostly an accident due to a bout of particularly angry diarrhoea... It was awful to be honest with you. I started screaming when it wouldn't stop, and one of the returning officers had to drag me out of the booth by my ankles! I didn't even really know what was going on.

Anyway, it's almost time for you to have a read of the jokes. I really hope they're okay. Well... anyway. Bye then. Yeah, bye? Bye, okay? Hope you like my jokes. Bye. Enjoy my jokes. Bye.

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QUESTION: If Theresa May was a plant what sort of plant would she be?
ANSWER: A horrid crocus!

QUESTION: Where does Tim Fallon live?
ANSWER: In a little peg box!

QUESTION: What does Theresa May want to privatise in Scotland?
ANSWER: The Loch NHS Monster (Loch Ness Monster)!

QUESTION: What did Jeremy Corbyn shout when he saw the full moon?
ANSWER: "Lenin!"

QUESTION: Why does Theresa May want to abolish human rights?
ANSWER: To banish human wrongs!!! Hnnng! Hnnng!

QUESTION: Where does Jeremy Corbyn store his trousers?
ANSWER: In the ferret nest behind your house!

QUESTION: What does Theresa May have on her back?
ANSWER: One droopy boob and three hairy coins!

QUESTION: What did Tim Fallon use to wipe his mouth after eating?
ANSWER: The tip of a frond!

QUESTION: How many Conservative MPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
ANSWER: Nein!

QUESTION: How many Labour MPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
ANSWER: Neinteen!

QUESTION: How many Liberal Democrat MPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
ANSWER: Neinty nein!

QUESTION: What is Theresa May's favourite TV show?
ANSWER: The Many Votes of May (The Darling Buds of May)!

QUESTION: What is Jeremy Corbyn's favourite TV show?
ANSWER: Craftin' With Cogs.

QUESTION: What did the big Tim Fallon say to the little Tim Fallon?
ANSWER: "Tim, what time Big Ben?"

QUESTION: Where does UKIP leader Paul Nuttalls do on his holiday?
ANSWER: Ostensibly, he just slithers beneath a smock and munches on a big pickle!

QUESTION: What does Nicola Sturgeon eat?
ANSWER: Cullen skink!

QUESTION: Theresa May has a vestigial twin on her left shoulder. What is its name?
ANSWER: Brougham May.

QUESTION: What is your favourite political party?
ANSWER: The Brown Traders!

QUESTION: Charlie is to Farlie as Corbyn is to...?
ANSWER: Brodax!

QUESTION: Why is Theresa May so rambunctious?
ANSWER: Brougham is controlling her.

QUESTION: What is UKIP leader Paul Nuttalls riddled with? 
ANSWER: Racism and gonorrhoea! 

QUESTION: Why did Jeremy Corbyn think the atrium was rad?
ANSWER: It was festooned with bunting!

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
THE MAN'S DADDY: POLITICAL JOKES
​THE MAN'S DADDY - AND HIS POPULAR AUSTRALIAN JOKES
THE MAN'S DADDY - AND HIS PHABULOUS PHUNNIES