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THE MAN'S DADDY'S BUMPER SELECTION

12/7/2017

20 Comments

 
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Hello. I'm a popular comedian called The Man's Daddy. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I've got some bad news. Are you ready to hear it? Okay. Well, here goes nothing... the news is: I really don't like greens!

​Now that we've got that out of the way, perhaps you'd like to invite me around for dinner. My favourite food? Well, I'd really like a plate of stewed genes, with a nucleic acid dressing. Yum yum.

Yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum  yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum  yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum  yum yip yip yum yum yum yum yum yum  yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum  yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum  yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum  yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum?

Anyway. Here are some cool new jokes that I've written. I hope you think they're funny. Here are the jokes now. Fingers crossed you like them, okay? Well, bye anyway. Enjoy the jokes, yeah? Okay, bye. Bye then. Have fun with the jokes. Yeah, bye. Bye.

QUESTION: What sort of keyboard has its first six letters laid out as Q, U, I, R, K, Y?
ANSWER: A QUIRKY keyboard!

QUESTION: Which Sesame Street character lives in a bin?
ANSWER: Mucky Mannerz.

QUESTION: What are the ingredients of a fisherman's pie?
ANSWER: Cockerel veins and strawbs!

QUESTION: Why was Umberto Eco popular?
ANSWER: Because he was so Eco-friendly!

QUESTION: What was Jesus' favourite food?
ANSWER: Bible gum (bubble gum).

QUESTION: What is a pigeon's favourite food?
ANSWER: Cooing gum (chewing gum).

QUESTION: Why is the theremin the best musical instrument ever?
ANSWER: "Theremin-ing" (the remaining) instruments aren't as good.

QUESTION: Why are your family all asleep, apart from Uncle William?
ANSWER: Because Uncle William drugged them all during your bah mitzvah!

QUESTION: What's the easiest way to remember the alphabet?
ANSWER: Learn all the letters in the correct order.

QUESTION: Why was the dolphin hunched over when he walked?
ANSWER: He was walking with porpoise (poor poise).

QUESTION: What's your favourite food?
ANSWER: Nick's Nibbles (so tasty)!

QUESTION: What's the appropriate way to bid farewell to an aircraft with two wings, stacked on top of one another?
ANSWER: "Bye, planes!" (biplanes)

QUESTION: What's for dinner, mum?
ANSWER: Ribs!

QUESTION: What's for dinner, Uncle William?
ANSWER: Human hair!

QUESTION: What's the stickiest lunch you can have?
ANSWER: Glue!

QUESTION: Why did the Adhesive Killer get away with his crimes?
ANSWER: There were never enough "glues" (clues)!

QUESTION: What's the best part of the Bible?
ANSWER: "Psalm 42:11 - My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry!"

QUESTION: Why does opening your wallet make you cry?
ANSWER: It's full of onions.

QUESTION: What is a bird's favourite movie?
ANSWER: Geese 2 (Grease 2)!

QUESTION: What's the fastest way to complete a jigsaw?
ANSWER: Do it really quickly.

QUESTION: What is the King of the Gods' favourite children's TV show?
ANSWER: Jupiter (Blue Peter)!

QUESTION: What did the miner shout when he kicked the flammable black rock into a net?
ANSWER: "COAL!" (goal)

QUESTION: What's the best way to surprise a friend?
ANSWER: Do something unexpected!

QUESTION: Why was the sniffer held back a year in school?
ANSWER: He failed his smellin' test!

QUESTION: What book is the most impossible to read?
ANSWER: The Can'terbury Tales!

QUESTION: Why is a pork pie like a sailor man?
ANSWER: Because it is a po' pie (Popeye)!

QUESTION: What was the diarrhoea-suffering yachtsman's greatest achievement?
ANSWER: He was the first person to soil around the world!

QUESTION: Why did King Neptune soil himself whenever he sat down?
ANSWER: He had watery stools!
20 Comments
Steve
13/7/2017 09:26:02 am

Hmm. Some of these actually kind of work as jokes. You're losing your touch, Daddy-O

Reply
Biscuits
13/7/2017 10:27:41 am

Man's Daddy remains my fave, I'm with those comedy fellows

Reply
David W
13/7/2017 10:28:11 am

Q: What do you call a pop duo who burn a million quid, but never eat their greens?

A: The kale-left.

Reply
Jason Donovan
13/7/2017 11:23:08 am

Q. What do you call a pop duo that have such a fondness for greens that it stretches to all plants?

A. Moss (Bros)

Reply
Spiney O'Sullivan
13/7/2017 01:52:16 pm

What do you call a pop duo who accepted the apology of the inventor of the computer?

Babbage Pardon! (Savage Garden!)

Reply
Proud
13/7/2017 02:20:05 pm

Q. Who were the pop duo that got the lead singer of Ultravox mixed up with him from Fleetwood Mac?

A. Ure is Micks (Eurythmics)

Reply
Mr howard
13/7/2017 05:13:33 pm

Q. What do you call the pop duo who are only allowed 3 fixed odds terminals inside each of them?

A. The bet shop boys (the pet shop boys)

Treacle
13/7/2017 11:18:42 am

Man's Daddy you're so fine,
you're so fine you blow my mind,
Man's Daddy,
Man's Daddy.

Reply
Trevor Cod
13/7/2017 12:07:57 pm

I heard that the police tried to charge the Adhesive Killer many times but nothing stuck.

Reply
Pritt
13/7/2017 01:28:03 pm

Are glue kidding? (Are you kidding?)

Reply
Penyrolewen
13/7/2017 09:01:06 pm

Yeah, but all the court cases left him insolvent (in solvent).

Reply
deKay
13/7/2017 12:29:04 pm

I laughed so much!

And then the page finished loading, so I stopped and read the jokes.

Reply
Dan Whitehead
13/7/2017 02:37:24 pm

Why did the man have nine eggs in his pocket?

Because he had already eaten seven.

Reply
Wrist Flapper
13/7/2017 06:10:39 pm

Question: Why was the Viscount sent to prison?

Answer: Because he was a "satirist" (hideous racist).

Reply
Spiney O'Sullivan
13/7/2017 09:56:40 pm

Topical!

Reply
Starbuck
13/7/2017 09:54:02 pm

That's the Christmas cracker jokes sorted again!

Reply
Cat
13/7/2017 09:57:02 pm

I was outside smoking a cigarette when I read these and was laughing so hard the neighbours asked me what I was laughing at... I showed them. One laughed, the other said "You need your head looking at". True but Goddamn

Reply
Roger Troutman
14/7/2017 11:51:55 am

What do you call a man who propels himself down snowy slopes by emitting sharp blasts of warm air from his mouth attempting to expel a viscous black liquid accumulated through a lifelong smoking habit whilst atop a famous american rapper/producer?

On-Dre Tar-Cough-Ski!
(Andrei Tarkovsky)

Reply
Larry Bundy link
14/7/2017 06:09:00 pm

What is NASA's favorite food?
Hubble Gum

What is Harry Potter's least favourite food?
Muggle Gum

What gift do you give a man who has everything?
Penicillin.

Reply
Cc
16/7/2017 10:26:21 am

Q. Why does santa claus wake up at midnight every christmas?

A. 2 monkeys and a gorilla are dancing on his roof.

Reply



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