Though I can't for the life of me imagine why even a dead pig would want our Prime Minister's musty Wotsit thumbed between its lips, this is nevertheless gold for a popular topical comedian like myself - and so, I've been down in my bunker writing the finest topical jokes on this issue that I possibly could in three or four minutes.
Just for the record, I've never done anything like that... though I did once touch the outside of dog's bottom with the edge of a frozen pizza, as part of my initiation into the Venture Scouts. Well, I hope these jokes are ok. It doesn't matter if you don't like them. I'm just glad you're getting to read them, yeah. Well, ok. Bye then. The jokes are below. You don't have to read them, but - yeah - ok. Bye. Bye then. Hope you enjoy the jokes. Bye.
ANSWER: Porksmouth (Portsmouth).
QUESTION: What is David Cameron's second favourite British city?
ANSWER: Parma Ham (Birmingham)
QUESTION: What's David Cameron's favourite animated movie?
ANSWER: Pig Hero Sex (Big Hero Six)
QUESTION: What's David Cameron's favourite drink?
QUESTION: How did the audience react when David Cameron put his penis in a dead pig's mouth?
ANSWER: They gave him a round of apple sauce (applause).
QUESTION: What does David Cameron have at barbecues?
ANSWER: A spit-roast pig.
QUESTION: What else does David Cameron have at barbecues?
ANSWER: Suckling pig.
QUESTION: What's David Cameron's favourite sandwich filling?
ANSWER: Pulled pork.
QUESTION: What does David Cameron fantasise about in the bath?
ANSWER: A pigment of his imagination.
QUESTION: Where does David Cameron work?
ANSWER: The House of Gammons (House of Commons).
QUESTION: What does David Cameron think is the best quality a Prime Minister can have?
QUESTION: What's David Cameron's favourite 1970s soft rock band?
ANSWER: Porkestral Manoevres in the Dark.
QUESTION: Who is David Cameron's favourite Iceland singer?
QUESTION: How does David Cameron get jobs?
ANSWER: He applies on speck.
QUESTION: Which political party is David Cameron the leader of?
ANSWER: The Baconservative Party.