I'm afraid I haven't been around for a while. I've not been ill, or busy - I've just not been around. It doesn't matter.
Anyway, I'm here now, and I've written some new jokes that I'd really like to share with you. Some of them are probably alright, but it's difficult to know, really. Comedy is really subjective, so you might like different ones to me. I suppose that's just how it goes. Never mind.
Anyway, I'm off now. I'll see you again, I expect. Bye, then. Yeah - bye. Hope you like some of the jokes. Bye. Have a good day. Thanks.
ANSWER: Dirty ghosts.
QUESTION: How deep is your love?
ANSWER: Two-to-three inches.
QUESTION: Who is the best writer in the world?
ANSWER: King Author (King Arthur).
QUESTION: Why couldn't the Knights of the Round Table get their chairs underneath it?
ANSWER: It kept rolling away.
QUESTION: What is the most relaxing mountain in the world?
ANSWER: Mount 'Avearest (Everest).
QUESTION: Why does it always rain on me?
ANSWER: You live in Scotland.
QUESTION: Olbin is to tolbin as rufford is to...?
QUESTION: What's black and white and red all over?
QUESTION: Which late-80s British-American supergroup was best at digging holes for spears?
ANSWER: The Javelin We'll Burys (The Traveling Wilburys).
QUESTION: War, huh - yeah! What is it good for?
ANSWER: According to Sun Tsu the purpose of war is to advance the goals of the state.
QUESTION: Can anybody think of a different way to say 'throw a frisbee'?
ANSWER: Let's discus (discuss).
QUESTION: Which Muppet is a member of the Green Party?
ANSWER: Climate the Frog.
QUESTION: What is Conan The Destroyer's favourite Beach Boys song?
ANSWER: Bar-bar-bar, Bar-Barbarian (Barbara-Ann).
QUESTION: Are you lonesome tonight?
ANSWER: No. I'm at a party.
QUESTION: Why shouldn't you ever start a carpentry company with rodents?
ANSWER: Because the best-laid planks of mice and men often go awry.
QUESTION: Former US President Bill Clinton has an imaginary friend he turns to for advice on nutrition. What is his name?
ANSWER: Klim Clinton.
QUESTION: Who let the dogs out?
ANSWER: Professional misconduct.
QUESTION: Which Roman Emperor would suffer convulsions when he got envious?
ANSWER: Jealousy Seizure (Julius Caesar).
QUESTION: What happens if you open Pandora's Box?
ANSWER: Bird comes out.
QUESTION: Why are you always dreaming that you're Chairman Mao?
ANSWER: You're Chairman Mao.
QUESTION: Which actress is the best at part-cooking food in boiling water?
ANSWER: Kate Blanch-It (Kate Blanchett).
QUESTION: What's new, pussycat? Whoa-whoa-whoa-oh!
ANSWER: I've been spayed.
QUESTION: Why do you cry when you chop onions?
ANSWER: They're the only family you have.