It has been drawn to my attention that today is the day that the British government triggers Article 50, marking the formal notice of Britain's withdrawal from the European Union.
As a popular comedian, who specialises in topical humour, it is my job to turn this historical event into an hysterical one, by writing as many great topical jokes as possible.
Unfortunately, I've no idea if any of these jokes are any good, as I don't really understand what all this fuss over Brexit is all about. I have no problems with my neighbours, and they're all Foreigners.
Specifically, they are members of the British-American rock band Foreigner. The only trouble I've had with them is 'I Want To Know What Love Is' blasting through the wall 24-7, and vocalist Lou Gramm once having a bath in my garden pond, while doing a poo at the same time.
Anyway. It's time for those Brexit jokes. I hope you like them. Well, bye then. Yeah, bye. Hope you like the Brexit jokes I've done. Bye, yeah? Okay, bye. Bye. Enjoy the jokes, yeah?
ANSWER: Crusty bird turds and flan mix!
QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a Brexiteer with a noose?
QUESTION: What's the best way of uniting Britain following Brexit?
ANSWER: The unexpected death of an attractive Royal!
QUESTION: How many Brexiteers does it take to change a horse's bridle?
ANSWER: 17,410,742 - one to replace the noseband, and another 17,410,741 to stick their heads into the horse's anus looking for magic solutions to issues such as immigration, unemployment, and poverty and stuff that at best isn't really going to change that much!
QUESTION: What sort of noise does Brexit make?
ANSWER: Tah-waaaaaaangggg-gggg-ggg-ggg... oh no!
QUESTION: When British people are no longer European, what will they be known as?
ANSWER: "You ripe peens!"
QUESTION: How did Theresa May trigger Article 50?
ANSWER: By aiming a trebuchet at France, and firing a bag of semen out of it!
QUESTION: Which celebrities backed Brexit?
ANSWER: The most stupid ones!
QUESTION: Why did so many people vote for Brexit?
ANSWER: They're probably all at least a little bit racist, even if they don't realise it!
QUESTION: What do you call a Brexiteer wearing lipstick and a top hat?
ANSWER: The star of the show!
QUESTION: How did Peter Pan vote in the EU Referendum?
ANSWER: He sadly forgot to do so!
QUESTION: What sort of bed do Brexiteers like to lie in?
ANSWER: A bed comprised of a single nail, but at least, y'know, Muslims and that.
QUESTION: If Donald Trump is building a wall to keep out Mexicans, what will Britain be building to keep out the foreigners who aren't already here?
ANSWER: A "B.T." (big trellis)!
QUESTION: What was the official slogan of the campaign to leave the EU?
ANSWER: "Everything will get worse when we go - yeah!"
QUESTION: Following Brexit, and the inevitable second Scottish Independence Referendum, what will McDonald's be known as in the remainder of the UK?
QUESTION: Following Brexit, and the inevitable second Scottish Independence Referendum, what will Burger King be known as in the remainder of the UK?
ANSWER: "Nanny's Hole".
QUESTION: Why are we still going ahead with Brexit?
ANSWER: Nobody really knows - but it's happening anyway!
QUESTION: Brexit is to Lex Luther as Lex Luther is to...
QUESTION: What is a good physical metaphor for Brexit?
ANSWER: A load of peanuts falling out of a snood!