Hello. I’m a popular comedian called The Man’s Daddy. I recently performed my hilarious observational stand-up comedy show at a top video games awards ceremony. Accordingly, I tailored my set to the tastes of the audience – peppering it with references to the world of contemporary interactive entertainment.
Here is a transcript of the brilliant set I performed.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen of the games industry, please put your hands together and give a warm welcome to a popular comedian called The Man’s Daddy…!
<Applause>
<Moments after the applause has quietened to a curious ripple, The Man’s Daddy shuffles on stage, sniffling and growling quietly beneath his breath. He takes his place behind the microphone, barely raising enough enthusiasm to speak>
THE MAN’S DADDY: Whoo. Yeah. So. Video games. Am I right? Well, am I?
<Silence. Somebody in the audience coughs. The Man's Daddy emits a single, strangulated sob>
THE MAN’S DADDY: So, I got one of those – whaddayacallem? – Xbox Ones the other day.
<The Man’s Daddy starts trembling, struggling to speak over the thick, undulating spasms gripping his thorax and spine. A brief burst of techno music blares erroneously from the PA>
THE MAN’S DADDY: I gotta tell ya – no, seriously, listen – I gotta tell ya – Haven’t there been, like, three Xboxes? Xbox One? What is this – some kinda prequel?!
<His trembling starts to spiral out of control>
THE MAN’S DADDY: So cold… so very cold… can't feel... my heart... ACK! ACK! ACK!
<The Man’s Daddy stops, and stares at the floor for a full ten seconds, before slowly looking up at the audience>
THE MAN’S DADDY: And so. Let’s talk about that PlayStation 4. Why do they call it a station anyway? I stood waiting next to mine for an hour yesterday. Not a single train. AND SO!
<A blank-eyed drummer steps onto the stage and plays a rimshot>
THE MAN'S DADDY: Yeah, anyway. My sister's illegitimate son got himself a Wii U. I gotta say - that thing ain't for me. Wii U? More like pee-ew!
<The Man’s Daddy suddenly starts screaming, a shrill, piercing, blood-curdling, animalistic scream. He starts running around in circles, lashing out with his fists and feet at at invisible assailants>
THE MAN'S DADDY (through gritted teeth): In education, in marriage, in religion, in everything disappointment is the lot of women. It shall be the business of my life to deepen that disappointment in every woman's heart until she bows down to it no longer.
<He topples over, and suffers some kind of seizure, foaming at the mouth. He rolls off the stage, into the front row of the audience, still fitting and jerking>
THE MAN'S DADDY (furiously): I bring to you this fancy! I bring to you this fancy!
<He thrashes around on the ground at the front of the stage. People scream and flee. Others call for a doctor. Gradually, the twitching stops, and calm descends over the audience. All that can be heard is The Man's Daddy's laboured breathing. The drummer plays another rimshot>
<Applause>
Here is a transcript of the brilliant set I performed.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen of the games industry, please put your hands together and give a warm welcome to a popular comedian called The Man’s Daddy…!
<Applause>
<Moments after the applause has quietened to a curious ripple, The Man’s Daddy shuffles on stage, sniffling and growling quietly beneath his breath. He takes his place behind the microphone, barely raising enough enthusiasm to speak>
THE MAN’S DADDY: Whoo. Yeah. So. Video games. Am I right? Well, am I?
<Silence. Somebody in the audience coughs. The Man's Daddy emits a single, strangulated sob>
THE MAN’S DADDY: So, I got one of those – whaddayacallem? – Xbox Ones the other day.
<The Man’s Daddy starts trembling, struggling to speak over the thick, undulating spasms gripping his thorax and spine. A brief burst of techno music blares erroneously from the PA>
THE MAN’S DADDY: I gotta tell ya – no, seriously, listen – I gotta tell ya – Haven’t there been, like, three Xboxes? Xbox One? What is this – some kinda prequel?!
<His trembling starts to spiral out of control>
THE MAN’S DADDY: So cold… so very cold… can't feel... my heart... ACK! ACK! ACK!
<The Man’s Daddy stops, and stares at the floor for a full ten seconds, before slowly looking up at the audience>
THE MAN’S DADDY: And so. Let’s talk about that PlayStation 4. Why do they call it a station anyway? I stood waiting next to mine for an hour yesterday. Not a single train. AND SO!
<A blank-eyed drummer steps onto the stage and plays a rimshot>
THE MAN'S DADDY: Yeah, anyway. My sister's illegitimate son got himself a Wii U. I gotta say - that thing ain't for me. Wii U? More like pee-ew!
<The Man’s Daddy suddenly starts screaming, a shrill, piercing, blood-curdling, animalistic scream. He starts running around in circles, lashing out with his fists and feet at at invisible assailants>
THE MAN'S DADDY (through gritted teeth): In education, in marriage, in religion, in everything disappointment is the lot of women. It shall be the business of my life to deepen that disappointment in every woman's heart until she bows down to it no longer.
<He topples over, and suffers some kind of seizure, foaming at the mouth. He rolls off the stage, into the front row of the audience, still fitting and jerking>
THE MAN'S DADDY (furiously): I bring to you this fancy! I bring to you this fancy!
<He thrashes around on the ground at the front of the stage. People scream and flee. Others call for a doctor. Gradually, the twitching stops, and calm descends over the audience. All that can be heard is The Man's Daddy's laboured breathing. The drummer plays another rimshot>
<Applause>
RSS Feed
