And lo, the first series of the latest iteration of Star Trek has come to its conclusion.
It's fair to say that Star Trek: Discovery has split audiences like a deck of nerds (cards), leading to debates over whether it's good or not, whether it squats like Mr Motivator all over Star Trek canon, and whether it's too different or too much the same. All I know is that I've watched the first half of the first season, and I can't get past the shiny spaceships, un-naturalistic performances, barking-mad Klingon politics, and how awful it is.
And I hate that I don't like it, because it's a sci-fi show with great production values.
Much as Star Trek fans are torn over Discovery, I've always had a bit of a love/hate thing with Star Trek. I enjoyed the campiness of the original series, loved Wrath of Khan, was sort of into The Next Generation, but wished they didn't do so much moralising, and then gradually got bored with the whole franchise until the recent reboot films, which didn't feel much like Star Trek at all, and thus I enjoyed them a lot more.
My relationship with Star Trek games - and there have been many (too many to include in this article) - pretty much mirrors this. Here's a whistlestop tour through the history of the Star Trek gaming universe.
Set phasers to "badness"!
It's fair to say that Star Trek: Discovery has split audiences like a deck of nerds (cards), leading to debates over whether it's good or not, whether it squats like Mr Motivator all over Star Trek canon, and whether it's too different or too much the same. All I know is that I've watched the first half of the first season, and I can't get past the shiny spaceships, un-naturalistic performances, barking-mad Klingon politics, and how awful it is.
And I hate that I don't like it, because it's a sci-fi show with great production values.
Much as Star Trek fans are torn over Discovery, I've always had a bit of a love/hate thing with Star Trek. I enjoyed the campiness of the original series, loved Wrath of Khan, was sort of into The Next Generation, but wished they didn't do so much moralising, and then gradually got bored with the whole franchise until the recent reboot films, which didn't feel much like Star Trek at all, and thus I enjoyed them a lot more.
My relationship with Star Trek games - and there have been many (too many to include in this article) - pretty much mirrors this. Here's a whistlestop tour through the history of the Star Trek gaming universe.
Set phasers to "badness"!
SUPER STAR TREK (Various - 1974)
The very first Star Trek game was thrown together by a dirty computer dweeb called Mike Mayfield in 1971, following a brainstorming session with a bunch of his Trek-lovin' dweeb buddies. Three years later, one Bob "A-Job" Leedon took Mayfield's game, reworked it for an official release, and got permission from Paramount Pictures to use the Trek name.
It was essentially a text and turn-based starship simulator, but became hugely influential, inspiring Star Raiders on the Atari 2600 (essentially an action-based version of Star Trek), and - much later - the Star Fleet 1 and Stellar Explorer PC games.
God knows why though. I mean, just look at it. I've seen more enticing spreadsheets.
It was essentially a text and turn-based starship simulator, but became hugely influential, inspiring Star Raiders on the Atari 2600 (essentially an action-based version of Star Trek), and - much later - the Star Fleet 1 and Stellar Explorer PC games.
God knows why though. I mean, just look at it. I've seen more enticing spreadsheets.
STAR TREK: PHASER STRIKE (Microvision - 1979)
The first Star Trek game on console was Phaser Strike, for the short-lived Microvision handheld. As one of the system's launch titles, it released alongside Star Trek: The Boring Motion Picture, but publisher Milton Bradley's license expired after a year, and the basic shoot 'em up was re-released without the Star Trek branding. Frankly, that probably improved it.
STAR TREK: STRATEGIC OPERATIONS SIMULATOR (Arcade - 1982)
Pre-dating the much-loved Star Wars game by around a year, the first Star Trek arcade release used similar vector graphics and synthesised speech.
That's pretty much where the similarities end however, and the two games manage to underline the differences between the two franchises; whereas one was a fast-paced, exciting, shoot 'em up, the other favoured a slower pace, requiring the player to manage their starship resources, and combat the pressing urge to fall asleep.
That's pretty much where the similarities end however, and the two games manage to underline the differences between the two franchises; whereas one was a fast-paced, exciting, shoot 'em up, the other favoured a slower pace, requiring the player to manage their starship resources, and combat the pressing urge to fall asleep.
STAR TREK: THE KOBAYASHI ALTERNATIVE/THE PROMETHEAN PROPHECY (APPLE II, C64, DOS - 1985/1986)
A pretty bog-standard text adventure, in which the player assumed the role of James T. Kirk as he field-tested a new version of The Kobayashi Maru training simulation. It was buggy and dull, but - frankly - as this list proves... Star Trek fans will lap up any old shit.
Remember: Star Trek fans don't like to be called "Trekkies". They prefer the phrase "Coprophages".
Remember: Star Trek fans don't like to be called "Trekkies". They prefer the phrase "Coprophages".
STAR TREK: THE REBEL UNIVERSE (Atari ST, PC, C64 - 1987)
Essentially a Star Trek bridge crew simulator - not entirely dissimilar to the recent VR version which nobody played (but without the multiplayer aspect) - The Rebel Universe tasked players with exploring a Bermuda Triangle-style area of space, where many Federation ships had mysteriously vanished.
In a bid to make the game as laborious as possible, planetary exploration effectively played like a text adventure, while space combat sections required a player to click repeatedly on a wireframe representation of enemy ships.
You know what would've been more entertaining? If they'd bundled the game with a fork so that you could stab yourself in the head with it.
In a bid to make the game as laborious as possible, planetary exploration effectively played like a text adventure, while space combat sections required a player to click repeatedly on a wireframe representation of enemy ships.
You know what would've been more entertaining? If they'd bundled the game with a fork so that you could stab yourself in the head with it.
STAR TREK: 25th ANNIVERSARY (Amiga, PC, Mac, NES, Game Boy - 1992)
This was a bit more like it. The PC version of the 25th Anniversary Star Trek game featured the voices of the original cast, and though it was essentially another bridge simulator, mixed with point-and-click adventure sections, that didn't stop it being achingly worthy and insipid. But then, it was a Star Trek game. It was, however, perhaps the first Star Trek game to really feel like Star Trek.
Which is fine, if that's the sort of thing you want.
Which is fine, if that's the sort of thing you want.
STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION - FUTURE'S PAST (Super NES - 1994)
The Super NES wasn't known for its slow-paced puzzle games, so Future's Past rather stuck out as an aberration. Naturally, they lobbed in some ship-to-ship combat sections, and the requisite bits set on the bridge, but they did little to enliven a faithful, but painfully lifeless, experience.
Do you see a pattern here? If not, I'll spell it out for you: Star Trek, and its associated games, are mostly always stuffy, boring, trudges.
Do you see a pattern here? If not, I'll spell it out for you: Star Trek, and its associated games, are mostly always stuffy, boring, trudges.
STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION - BEYOND THE NEXUS (Game Gear, Game Boy - 1994)
Based upon Generations, the movie which saw Captain Picard meeting Captain Kirk only so that he could die when a rock fell on his big, fat, belly, Beyond The Nexus loosely followed events of the movie, but threw in crowd-pleasing encounters with Romulans and Tholians. Whatever they are.
As with most Star Trek games, it split its gameplay over a variety of different styles - none of which were particularly compelling.
Do you remember that bit at the start of Generations where the Enterprise crew are fannying around on an old sailing ship, and then Data goes mad and throws somebody in the sea? Yeah? Well, that was the best bit, and it was still rubbish.
"I know - let's put Captain Kirk and Captain Picard together!"
"Cool! What shall we have them do?"
"Scrambled eggs. And then they can ride horses, because audiences love that shit. And then a rock falls on Captain Kirk's big, fat, belly and he dies."
"Green light!"
As with most Star Trek games, it split its gameplay over a variety of different styles - none of which were particularly compelling.
Do you remember that bit at the start of Generations where the Enterprise crew are fannying around on an old sailing ship, and then Data goes mad and throws somebody in the sea? Yeah? Well, that was the best bit, and it was still rubbish.
"I know - let's put Captain Kirk and Captain Picard together!"
"Cool! What shall we have them do?"
"Scrambled eggs. And then they can ride horses, because audiences love that shit. And then a rock falls on Captain Kirk's big, fat, belly and he dies."
"Green light!"
STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE - CROSSROADS OF TIME (Mega Drive, Super NES - 1995)
Deep Space Nine is the Star Trek series that obsessives always bang on about being really, really good. Even though the early seasons really, really weren't. While you might think you'd want to see a show featuring an alien policeman who could turn into a puddle, and slept in a bucket, you'd be wrong.
For some, DS9 was a gritty and exciting reboot of the franchise, but it's all relative really, isn't it? If Mr Tumble burst out of a bush and shouted "Tits!" at some kids it might not be shocking in the grand scheme, but The Daily Mail would be in uproar.
Anyway, Crossroads of Time - despite being a side-scrolling game with shoot 'em up sections to break up the puzzles - succeeded in being every bit as prosaic and vapid as all the Star Trek games that had preceded it.
For some, DS9 was a gritty and exciting reboot of the franchise, but it's all relative really, isn't it? If Mr Tumble burst out of a bush and shouted "Tits!" at some kids it might not be shocking in the grand scheme, but The Daily Mail would be in uproar.
Anyway, Crossroads of Time - despite being a side-scrolling game with shoot 'em up sections to break up the puzzles - succeeded in being every bit as prosaic and vapid as all the Star Trek games that had preceded it.
STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION - A FINAL UNITY (PC - 1995)
A traditional point-and-clicker, A Final Unity boasted the voices of the original The Next Generation cast - and promised "diplomatic encounters", thus ensuring Star Trek fans would go absolutely ape over it.
Who doesn't love "diplomatic encounters"?
Who doesn't love "diplomatic encounters"?
STAR TREK: KLINGON (PC - 1996)
Now we're talking. By choosing not to focus on any existing TV show, and associating instead with Star Trek's iconic warmongering aliens - the ones whose foreheads are ribbed... for your pleasure - Klingon seemed to understand that what makes for a popular Star Trek TV show does not necessarily make for an exciting computer game.
Except: that wasn't the case.
Klingon was an interactive movie, in which players assumed the role of a starship crew member pretending to be a Klingon called, amusingly, "Pok", in a holodeck simulation. Though it boasted high production values, it was as basic as most interactive movies, and mostly succeeded only in highlighting how painfully ridiculous the Klingons are. Bunch of try-hard metal fans. Why have you got ribs in your heads, idiots?
Except: that wasn't the case.
Klingon was an interactive movie, in which players assumed the role of a starship crew member pretending to be a Klingon called, amusingly, "Pok", in a holodeck simulation. Though it boasted high production values, it was as basic as most interactive movies, and mostly succeeded only in highlighting how painfully ridiculous the Klingons are. Bunch of try-hard metal fans. Why have you got ribs in your heads, idiots?
STAR TREK: BORG (PC - 1996)
A companion piece to Klingon, Borg was another interactive snooze-fest featuring time-travelling shenanigans, omnipotent irritant Q, and the Borg - The Next Generation's emo Cybermen.
STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE - HARBINGER (PC - 1996)
Essentially a whodunnit in the midst of an alien invasion, Harbinger featured simple adventure game elements combined with the mind-numbingly insipid puzzling inexplicably popularised by games like Myst and The 7th Guest. Most normal people wouldn't want to play Myst or a Deep Space Nine game, so putting them together was a sure-fire recipe for blah.
STAR TREK: KLINGON HONOR GUARD (PC - 1998)
By taking Unreal and making you a Klingon at last offered a Star Trek game which placed the emphasis on action. Though there were better first-person shooters around at the time, it wasn't a completely disastrous effort - and notably more engaging than almost every Star Trek game up to this point.
Interestingly, I remember receiving an early version of Klingon Honor Guard at the Digitiser offices, with strict instructions not to review it, as it wasn't finished. How strange then that an "exclusive" review - heralded by a front cover - appeared in a leading PC magazine later that very same week, with a 90%-plus final score... some months before the game was officially released.
How strange, also, that the end product clearly wasn't a 90%-plus game, and that it was released riddled with bugs...
Interestingly, I remember receiving an early version of Klingon Honor Guard at the Digitiser offices, with strict instructions not to review it, as it wasn't finished. How strange then that an "exclusive" review - heralded by a front cover - appeared in a leading PC magazine later that very same week, with a 90%-plus final score... some months before the game was officially released.
How strange, also, that the end product clearly wasn't a 90%-plus game, and that it was released riddled with bugs...
STAR TREK: HIDDEN EVIL (PC - 1999)
Trying to do a Resident Evil-style third-person action adventure set in The Next Generation universe isn't the worst idea ever. While Hidden Evil was a decent looking game, the gameplay was repetitive and - typically for a Star Trek game - challengingly dull.
What was the evil that was hidden? I dunno. Let's say... um... space swans. Where were they hiding?
The tea towel cupboard.
What was the evil that was hidden? I dunno. Let's say... um... space swans. Where were they hiding?
The tea towel cupboard.
STAR TREK: VOYAGER - ELITE FORCE (PC, PS2 - 2000)
I'm saying it now: Elite Force and its sequel remain the best Star Trek games ever. Indeed, they might retain the honour of being the only genuinely great Star Trek games ever released.
Elite Force was a first-person shoot 'em up which not only had decent gameplay, but great visuals, an engaging story, and let you wander around locations from the show - including, memorably, a Borg-ified version of a starship from classic 1960s series.
It was also probably the first Star Trek game which non-Star Trek fans were able to tolerate. Arguably, it was significantly better in most respects than the rotten, purulent, show which spawned it.
Elite Force was a first-person shoot 'em up which not only had decent gameplay, but great visuals, an engaging story, and let you wander around locations from the show - including, memorably, a Borg-ified version of a starship from classic 1960s series.
It was also probably the first Star Trek game which non-Star Trek fans were able to tolerate. Arguably, it was significantly better in most respects than the rotten, purulent, show which spawned it.
STAR TREK: INVASION (PlayStation - 2000)
A first-person ship-to-ship combat game, Invasion didn't much feel like Star Trek, but was all the better for it. Produced by the same team responsible for the not-entirely-dissimilar Colony Wars, Invasion proved that Star Trek games work best when they're not slavishly wedded to the source material.
Tip to future Star Trek game developers: ignore the fact that it's Star Trek and just do what you want. Seriously: nobody is going to criticise it because it doesn't feature enough "scanning" and "conversations" about the meaning of life.
Tip to future Star Trek game developers: ignore the fact that it's Star Trek and just do what you want. Seriously: nobody is going to criticise it because it doesn't feature enough "scanning" and "conversations" about the meaning of life.
STAR TREK: VOYAGER (Arcade - 2002)
A first-person light gun shoot 'em up like you've played a million times before, Voyager: The Arcade Game takes place during a Borg infestation of the titular ship.
Critics suggested that the off-the-peg guns took players out of the experience - they'd have been more at home with a Wild West-based shooter - while the weirder, more monstrous enemies (than the repetitive waves of Borg drones you mostly faced) would've been more at home in Doom.
Critics suggested that the off-the-peg guns took players out of the experience - they'd have been more at home with a Wild West-based shooter - while the weirder, more monstrous enemies (than the repetitive waves of Borg drones you mostly faced) would've been more at home in Doom.
STAR TREK (PS3, Xbox 360, PC - 2013)
And so to the famously buggy and awful Star Trek, based upon the first movie in JJ Abrams' reboot series. Widely considered to be one of the worst games of all time, Star Trek's bugs turned out to be the least of its issues.
A generic third-person shooter with co-operative puzzle-solving elements (players could adopt the roles of either Kirk or Spock), most critics considered Star Trek to have been released as a barely finished, scarcely playable, mess. Indeed, JJ Abrams even stated that the poor reception to the game damaged the fortunes of Star Trek Into Darkness, claiming that he was "emotionally hurt" by it.
Bit much. Guy's clearly a salad.
A generic third-person shooter with co-operative puzzle-solving elements (players could adopt the roles of either Kirk or Spock), most critics considered Star Trek to have been released as a barely finished, scarcely playable, mess. Indeed, JJ Abrams even stated that the poor reception to the game damaged the fortunes of Star Trek Into Darkness, claiming that he was "emotionally hurt" by it.
Bit much. Guy's clearly a salad.
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