Ssstt-ttthrrrp... srrrrp! I am The Living Bum, the sordid genetic progeny of science gone bent.
Though a disembodied supine posterior such as myself has little need for such frail human experiences as love and romance, my kind and unnecessary masters, XENOXXXtm Industries, realise that humankind will spend... spend... SPEND BEYOND THEIR MEANS throughout the celebration of St. Val N. Tine.
I come to you today with news of the latest romantic aids for gamers, courtesy of XENOXXXtm Industries. Buy... buy... buy WHAT YOU CAN'T AFFORD! Prrrrrrp!
This attractive bonnet will make you the belle of any Valentine's Balle. When you enter the room, you'll have your pick of the Valentines on offer, as it pumps out a harsh, discordant rendition of the main F-Zero theme tune, underscored with a powerful, astringent buzzing. All eyes will be upon you. All ears will be bleeding upon you. It is good. It is surprising.
Were this not sufficiently effective, the bonnet offers one additional lark: coming within a foot of any potential beau shall activate the unleashing of a pneumatic claw that demands to probe their upper lip and gums with a humid dabber made from a Victorian pube bundle. Thrrp!
What to serve as a meal on the morning following the night before? Rocks? Hands? Nails?
Toast is the fun food that almost anyone can eat these days, apart from those who pretend to have a wheat intolerance. This fun romantic toaster will sear your toast with the image of your loved one's favourite gaming character: Slippy Toad.
When the toast has been consumed, a wireless signal is sent to the toaster to indicate it can begin the second phase of its breakfast performance: disgorging metre-long ragged tendrils that will lash and slash at the walls and ceiling, in a berserk display of brute, scientific power. During the third and final phase of the firstmeal show, a coarse gruel shall foam forth mysteriously from an organic slit situated on its underportion. Prrrrst-sss-thrrrp!
Waving is among the most romantic gestures one can perform, so why not ensure your waves stand out of the crowd with this romantic gaming mitt? As well as affording great finger protection when playing today's latest video games, the XENOXXXtm ROMANTIC GAMING MITT has a surprise up its sleeve.
Following five minutes of romantic waving, the wearer shall suffer the sorts of incandescent discomfort usually associated with a terribly injury. And that's with good reason: the interior lining of the glove is living colony of C. hominivorax, a parasitic species, whose larvae is know for eating and infesting the flesh of living organisms! Frrrrrrt-prrrsthssss-sssp!
You no longer need to do all your romantic gaming standing up, thanks to the arrival of the XENOXXXtm ROMANTIC GAMING CHAIR. This attractive seat will be the talking point of the night, as your date arrives to find the door of your home unlocked, and you sitting astride the chair sporting a furious glare.
Alas, you'll scarcely be able to break out your most winning smile, for the moment you place yourself into the chair, tungsten hooks will spring into your underthighs, pinning you in place.
Your date will look on in abhorrence, as a system of baroque pulleys deposit four gasping rubber maws into your lap. A klaxon will blow, indicating the beginning of a scarcely watchable display of terpsichorean bacchanalia, that causes you to writhe and complain. Prrrrrp-srrrrrrrrpsssssssssthrp!