Thrrrp! Thrp. Thrrrrrrssss-ssoup. I am The Living Bum - the distressing consequence of man's inability to resist from meddling in all that he surveys (that is, all he surveys... in a full-length mirror).
My anonymous and maleficent masters at XENOXXX Industries grew me in a golden centrifuge, using buttock cells from the Oscar-winner Eddie Redmayne, which were obtained through a loosely-structured, permissive scenario. Via the power of behavioural conditioning they instilled in me a sentience and hatred that eclipses all other bums.
As the official spokesanus for Xenoxx, it has been requested of me that I deliver upon you the latest technology from Xenoxxx Laboratories - a new range of Virtual Reality products that all games fans will want to acquire. It is our biggest product launch since the ZX Rectum.
Spend... Spend... SPEND BEYOND YOUR MEANS!
The core component of the Xenoxxx VR system, the Cool Virtual Reality Headset is a special telescoping sense-pipe, with a sparking mass of intricate electronics at one end, and a palpating face-bowl at the other.
Users press their forehead against the foul-scented, distressingly damp, sponge rim of the bowl, and brace as they are optically over-burdened by powerful virtual imagery: the Square Crisps factory, inexplicably full of crows that laugh like humans; burning weasels dropping from the sky like a rain of fiery stoles; a 30-second loop of the actor Deep Roy climbing in and out of a kitchen bin...
Throughout, the user's face is gently depressed and grazed by the Cool VR headset's prodding pneumatic fingers - daggers of pure zebra bone - which react accordingly with the virtual experience. Just as the user becomes overwhelmed with the starkness of the images, a bronze pincer darts out and grips their lips, peeling them back in order to dab the tip of a false parrot into their mouth.
Users of the Xenoxxx Cool Virtual Reality Headset are able to interact with their virtual experiences through the use of the Xenoxxx Cool Virtual Reality Mitten. Looking ostensibly like an ordinary lady's mitten, of the sort which might be worn to a society function, the Xenoxxx Cool Virtual Reality Mitten is woven from the finest corpse-hair.
While lost in the enslaving fantasy of the Xenoxxx Cool Virtual Reality System, it's all too easy to let your day to day responsibilities slip.
The perfect solution is the Xenoxxx Cool Virtual Reality Crispin: a chatting, stumbling automaton who will act as your representative in the real world, and care for your rapidly weakening anatomy.
Virtual Reality Crispin will slide his food-dispensing hose into your mouth and ooze Xenoxxx Vitamin Supplement mud down your throat. Virtual Reality Crispin will tamper with your central heating system. He will greet callers to your home by falling against a wall and emitting a harsh, metallic fizz. He will spin and lurch around the room on his inadequate legs, as he hammers at his hollow, tin chest. He will break into your neighbours house and shine lights at their pets while they sleep. Virtual Reality Crispin is hot to the touch. Virtual Reality Crispin comes with bonus pet - The RRC: Realistic Rubber Cat. Thrrrrrrsp!
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