Thrrrrp-prrrrst-thrp. I am The Living Bum, the tortured repercussion of the scientific community's meddling in the nebulous and forbidden. Though April Fool's Day is almost over for another year, my corrupt controllers at XENOXXX Industries believe that humour and pranking rarely get old, and are profoundly diverting and profitable.
I present to you a selection from their new range of cool practical jokes - available now on prescription. Thrrrrrrrpssssss-ss. Thrp.
Prank... prank... PRANK BEYOND YOUR MEANS!
XENOXXX WHOOPI CUSHION At first glance this appears to be an ordinary cushion. At second glance the victim realises it's an authentic, semi-conscious, genetic reconstruction of Whoopi Goldberg's face, chattering malevolently while regurgitating heavy gobs of throat mucus, wet leaf mulch, and partially-digested painkillers! Whoopeee!!!
XENOXXX TWITCHING POWDER This electrostatically-charged metallic dust has 500 naturally occurring volts running through it. Rub it into your prank victim's face or inguinal region (using the Xenoxxx Insulated Gloves - not included) and laugh fiercly as they become wracked with involuntary muscle spasms and - potentially - their own impotence or death! Dicks!
XENOXXX CRAP-A-LOT TEABAG This ordinary-looking teabag makes a delicious cup of tea - but it hides a secret: it's full of human fecal matter. A LOT of human fecal matter. Laugh dramatically as your victims succumb to severe amoebic dysentry when they least expect! The stupid dicks!
XENOXXX SHOCK PEN This may look like an ordinary fountain pen, but once your victim picks it up, it becomes molecularly bonded to their skin, and begins emitting 10 metre-high projections of odious imagery (a decomposing fox, a panic-stricken Ronald McDonald dancing tempestuously on a cow's grave, an episode of Ainsley's Gourmet Express which has been doctored to appear as if the celebrity chef is boiling a tiny clone of himself), while broadcasting the full speech of Hitler's 1941 address to the Reichstag. ROFL!
XENOXXX FAKE DOGGIE DOO This realistic-looking doggie dirt hides a secret: it's actually the excrement of a genuine European prince, produced in-house at Xenoxxx Industries by one of our artisan royal excretors, Princes Bonson and K-Loaf. ROFLMFAO!
XENOXXX FAKE BLOOD This authentic blood bag is perfect for pranking paramedics and other health professionals: while looking exactly an ordinary blood sample, it's nothing more than a mixture toilet water, dugong sputum, and persimmon jam! Try transferring that into someone's system, you dicks! You stupid dicks! YOLO! YOLOFLMAO!