Greetings, dicks. I'm Doctor Ashley Tagg. Some of you may know me better as "Doctor Hashtag" - the nickname my students have given me. I don't know what it means. I hope it isn't rude. My apologies if it is.
I was recently put in charge of a study into the links between video games and fockses. Prior to my research, it was the belief of this university that fockses and video games had hidden connections.
Following discussion with my good friend Professor Adrian Bloch - the students call him "Ad-Blocker", I don't know why - we decided to embark upon a wide-ranging study into proving these links, investing almost £400,000 of the university's funds.
Thank you in advance for taking the time to read the results of my study. I remain a committed virgin, and I honestly can't tell you how much your attention means to me.
I was recently put in charge of a study into the links between video games and fockses. Prior to my research, it was the belief of this university that fockses and video games had hidden connections.
Following discussion with my good friend Professor Adrian Bloch - the students call him "Ad-Blocker", I don't know why - we decided to embark upon a wide-ranging study into proving these links, investing almost £400,000 of the university's funds.
Thank you in advance for taking the time to read the results of my study. I remain a committed virgin, and I honestly can't tell you how much your attention means to me.
10. FOCKSES HAVE BEEN IN VIDEO GAMES.
Despite being horrible - quite literally nature's dirtiest dicks - my studies have revealed that fockses are among the most popular animals to feature in the video games as characters, probably.
The most famous of the video game fockses are Focks McCloud, from the Starfocks game, and Miles "Tails" Per-Hour, a fast focks from the the Fast Blue Hedgehog games. I expect there have been others, but they were the only ones I could find in the three/four minutes I bothered looking.
I thought Crash Bandicoot might have been a focks, but it turns out he just looks like one. He is in fact a bandicoot, a type of marsupial that resembles a cross between a ratter and my teat.
Notably, none of the video game focks characters are ever seen eating a baby, or chewing rubber johnnies what they found in a binbag. Troublingly, I worry that this might lead to children being misled into trusting fockses, and thinking they can be well wicked pets.
The most famous of the video game fockses are Focks McCloud, from the Starfocks game, and Miles "Tails" Per-Hour, a fast focks from the the Fast Blue Hedgehog games. I expect there have been others, but they were the only ones I could find in the three/four minutes I bothered looking.
I thought Crash Bandicoot might have been a focks, but it turns out he just looks like one. He is in fact a bandicoot, a type of marsupial that resembles a cross between a ratter and my teat.
Notably, none of the video game focks characters are ever seen eating a baby, or chewing rubber johnnies what they found in a binbag. Troublingly, I worry that this might lead to children being misled into trusting fockses, and thinking they can be well wicked pets.
9. FOCKSES DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT GAMES.
When I asked our test focks about video games, it didn't say anything. It just ran around in circles, then started clawing at the door. When I repeated my questions in a louder voice, the focks appeared to become agitated. When I began shouting my questions at the focks, and smashing my foot on a table, the focks started showing me its teeth, and spraying everywhere.
Either it was reluctant to answer my questions, for reasons we can but speculate about, or it didn't like me squirting it with cologne (it stunk).
Either it was reluctant to answer my questions, for reasons we can but speculate about, or it didn't like me squirting it with cologne (it stunk).
8. IF YOU GAVE A FOCKS A VIDEO GAME, IT WOULD PROBABLY JUST LOOK AT IT.
When we introduced a video game into the vicinity of our disgusting test focks, it did little more than look at it. When I kicked the video game towards the focks, it flinched away, and made a number of surprising vocalisations. It is my conclusion that fockses either have no interest in video games, or are scared of them, for reasons that my experiments were too ill-considered to deduce.
7. A FOCKS IS UNABLE TO MAKE A VIDEO GAME.
We gave our awful test focks the materials necessary to create its own video game. Whereas you might expect a focks to have some degree of interest in creating a game that was in some way relevant to its interests - for example, a game about eating babies, or swallowing rubber johnnies what it found in a bin bag - the test focks did nothing, other than redouble its attempts to escape from our laboratory and show me its teeth.
Even my attempts to encourage the focks by briefly not spraying it with cologne did little to change the situation. It merely lowered the pitch of its vocalisations.
Even my attempts to encourage the focks by briefly not spraying it with cologne did little to change the situation. It merely lowered the pitch of its vocalisations.
6. YOU WOULDN'T WANT A FOCKS AROUND YOU WHILE YOU PLAYED GAMES.
We enlisted the help of one of our students - a pale semi-French boy called Pocksy Rogers - to play video games alongside a focks. Unfortunately, Pocksy is a badly behaved boy at the best of times, and it's fair to say that the presence of a nearby focks got him a little too overexcited; he kept yelping, snapping his fingers, and bouncing up and down in his seat.
When the focks began its vocalisations, Pocksy stood on his chair, arched his back, started puffing out his cheeks and waving his hands around like he was pointing at stars, then began making comments such as: "C'mon, yeah, let's have some more of it, yeah" and "Yeah, sweet, I love this stuff... love it!".
To this end, it can only be speculated that it was the presence of the focks which elevated Pocksy's behaviour to these ludicrous and unhelpful extremes.
When the focks began its vocalisations, Pocksy stood on his chair, arched his back, started puffing out his cheeks and waving his hands around like he was pointing at stars, then began making comments such as: "C'mon, yeah, let's have some more of it, yeah" and "Yeah, sweet, I love this stuff... love it!".
To this end, it can only be speculated that it was the presence of the focks which elevated Pocksy's behaviour to these ludicrous and unhelpful extremes.
5. THERE ARE NO VIDEO GAME CONSOLES NAMED AFTER A FOCKS.
Whereas the Attari company had consoles named both Jaguar and Lyncks - types of cats - no company has ever named its gaming hardware after a focks. The closest we have ever come is the Xbocks - a console what is made by the Michaelsofts company (note: "bocks" rhymes with "focks").
Apropos nothing, I think a good name for a video game console would be "Doctor Ashley Tagg's Peerless Silhenry".
Apropos nothing, I think a good name for a video game console would be "Doctor Ashley Tagg's Peerless Silhenry".
4. FOCKSES MAKE TERRIBLE GAMES JOURNALISTS.
As part of our investigations, we commissioned a focks to write a 3,000 word article about the history of motorcycles in video games. Despite giving the focks a generous amount of time to write and research the article, it not only missed the deadline, but has still yet to deliver almost two weeks later.
Furthermore, the focks is not replying to emails, which leads me to conclude that we will never get the ruddy article. That focks is a rude dude!
Furthermore, the focks is not replying to emails, which leads me to conclude that we will never get the ruddy article. That focks is a rude dude!
3. IT IS QUITE HARD TO BALANCE A PLAYSTATION CONTROLLER ON A FOCKS.
Fockses are always running hither and tither, and have gently curved backs. This makes it quite hard to balance anything on them, let alone an irregularly-shaped PlayStation joypad. I know this, because I tried to do it three times to our revolting test focks, and the focks wouldn't stop writhing and trying to gnaw me.
2. APPARENTLY THERE ARE ANOTHER COUPLE OF VIDEO GAME FOCKSES.
Actually, I had another look, and Redd from the Animal Crossings game is a focks. And there's that Pokemons what looks like a focks. There are also nine-tailed fockses in the games Okami and Mega Man X. If you can think of any more, please don't take your time to tell me about it. It really isn't all that important, and in all honesty we could both be making better use of our time.
1. FOCKSES DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU CHASE THEM WITH A BIT OF POLYSTYRENE.
For the final part of study, I took a bit of polystyrene packaging from a PlayStation box, and waved it around while chasing the vile test focks, and making cow noises (when I wasn't trying to stop myself laughing, that is). The test focks became so flustered by this that it somehow managed to scramble up the laboratory wall, and escape through a narrow gap at the top of the window, thus ending the chance for further test.
Conclusion: I'm not really sure, but I thank you with all my heart for getting this far.
Conclusion: I'm not really sure, but I thank you with all my heart for getting this far.
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