If you, like me, are just sitting around waiting for your Nintendo Switch and copy of Zelda: Breath of the Wild to be pressured through your door-hole, why not try filling the hours by compiling a list of the most important, significant and impactful console launch games of all time?
That's what I've done, and if you don't believe me... well... just take a look below. Hello... no Super Mario Bros. for the NES? Urrrrnh! It wasn't a launch title, probably. Don't have a go, yeah?
If this idea doesn't "pat your whimsy" then you could select from this list of alternative activities:
Come on now... let's take a look at that sweeeeeeet list...!
That's what I've done, and if you don't believe me... well... just take a look below. Hello... no Super Mario Bros. for the NES? Urrrrnh! It wasn't a launch title, probably. Don't have a go, yeah?
If this idea doesn't "pat your whimsy" then you could select from this list of alternative activities:
- Take a bath with your eight sons.
- Use a hard rod to destroy all of your existing consoles and computers, in order to make space for the Switch.
- Recall your favourite cloud.
- Trap a cod in a harp.
- Colour in a rhombus.
- Rhombus rhombus rhombus brrrrhombrrrusss!
- Do some research, okay?
- 12345678910!
- And so on.
Come on now... let's take a look at that sweeeeeeet list...!
GOLDEN AXE - MEGA DRIVE
Truth is, there wasn't much to be happy about the day the Mega Drive was released. You'd just oozed out almost £200 of your inheritance in order to play the malformed folly that was Altered Beast. You big eejit. You repellent cretin. You lurid imbecile.
But wait!
The Mega Drive version of Golden Axe might not be the most fondly-remembered game of all time, nor even the most fondly-remembered Mega Drive game, but... it was near as dammit as you could've imagined to the arcade version. Indeed, without the benefit of a YouTube side-by-side comparison, most Mega Drive owners would've thought they were playing the original.
Then again, most Mega Drive owners probably struggled to remember their own names, and would frequently turn up to work having forgotten their trousers.
Were it not for Golden Axe, there wasn't much about the Mega Drive on launch day to suggest that it would become one of the most important consoles of its generation. And yet... it gave us hope.
But wait!
The Mega Drive version of Golden Axe might not be the most fondly-remembered game of all time, nor even the most fondly-remembered Mega Drive game, but... it was near as dammit as you could've imagined to the arcade version. Indeed, without the benefit of a YouTube side-by-side comparison, most Mega Drive owners would've thought they were playing the original.
Then again, most Mega Drive owners probably struggled to remember their own names, and would frequently turn up to work having forgotten their trousers.
Were it not for Golden Axe, there wasn't much about the Mega Drive on launch day to suggest that it would become one of the most important consoles of its generation. And yet... it gave us hope.
TETRIS - GAME BOY
This goes without saying. Not only was it bundled with the Game Boy, and therefore a freebie of the most banging-est order, but Tetris was arguably the best game ever released for the Game Boy. And there it was on day one! Indeed, it was the most perfect civil partnership of software and hardware imaginable - potentially until the Wii and Wii Sports.
Tetris was a game that spanned social and societal lines - played as much by presidents as it was by paupers/porpoises. Furthermore, it was as addictive as your daily downers - the epitome of "one last go" dependence.
It has become a cliche to describe it as easy to play but difficult to master, yet that was precisely its appeal. One minute you were struggling to get a line... the next week you'd been racking up triple figures on a regular basis. Tetris is the main reason the Game Boy was a phenomenon.
"From Russia... WITH FUN" indeed.
Tetris was a game that spanned social and societal lines - played as much by presidents as it was by paupers/porpoises. Furthermore, it was as addictive as your daily downers - the epitome of "one last go" dependence.
It has become a cliche to describe it as easy to play but difficult to master, yet that was precisely its appeal. One minute you were struggling to get a line... the next week you'd been racking up triple figures on a regular basis. Tetris is the main reason the Game Boy was a phenomenon.
"From Russia... WITH FUN" indeed.
F-ZERO - SUPER NES
Wot no Super Mario World? Look now... Super Mario World is a classic. I'm not going to argue with you about that. But it isn't a million miles from Super Mario Bros. 3 on the NES. It looked a lot nicer, sounded a lot nicer, and was tighter and more polished in every area. Nevertheless, it was still sticking to a well-trodden thoroughfare.
F-Zero, though, was unlike anything else. It showed off what the Super NES could do in a way that Super Mario World could never have done - and had one of the greatest soundtracks of all time to boot. Indeed, it also shone a light on the reality that not all 16-bit games consoles were created equally.
In fact, F-Zero was so exciting that some players lost all control, and shaved one... two... three... four parts of their father's body!
What does the F stand for? Father's Body..
F-Zero, though, was unlike anything else. It showed off what the Super NES could do in a way that Super Mario World could never have done - and had one of the greatest soundtracks of all time to boot. Indeed, it also shone a light on the reality that not all 16-bit games consoles were created equally.
In fact, F-Zero was so exciting that some players lost all control, and shaved one... two... three... four parts of their father's body!
What does the F stand for? Father's Body..
VIRTUA FIGHTER - SATURN
It's a real big shame that Sega turned the Saturn into a lavatory party, because Virtua Fighter promised so much.
Another almost-perfect arcade conversion from a company which made its name in arcades, the impact of seeing a game like this running in your own home was - at the time - as significant as discovering the ghost of Jim Henson hanging out in your pantry with his trousers down.
Like Third World famine, the Internet, and David Walliams, we take 3D graphics for granted nowadays, but Virtua Fighter was a proper quantum leap. When the Saturn booted up, and you saw all that spinny, polygon nonsense actually happening on your TV for the first time, it was staggering.
Another almost-perfect arcade conversion from a company which made its name in arcades, the impact of seeing a game like this running in your own home was - at the time - as significant as discovering the ghost of Jim Henson hanging out in your pantry with his trousers down.
Like Third World famine, the Internet, and David Walliams, we take 3D graphics for granted nowadays, but Virtua Fighter was a proper quantum leap. When the Saturn booted up, and you saw all that spinny, polygon nonsense actually happening on your TV for the first time, it was staggering.
WIPEOUT - PLAYSTATION
This might be a controversial thing to say, but Wipeout wasn't actually that good. Maybe its steep learning curve put me off, but I never really got to grips with those "wobblers" (wobbly hovercraft). It was basically a new version of F-Zero, in which you spent your whole time bumping along the edges of the tracks, like a myopic mongrel feeling its way around a freshly-fitted kitchen.
However...! What Wipeout did was set the stage for the PlayStation to become a lifestyle accessory. With its slick visuals, iconic branding, and soundtrack featuring number one groovyboys The Chemical Brothers, Leftfield, and Orbital, it succeeded in making the PlayStation appear cool to people for whom such a meaningless, subjective, social aesthetic is important.
Also, with far more tracks than that other PlayStation launch day drive 'em up, Ridge Racer, you actually got your money's worth.
What is rarely recalled these days is that Wipeout was also released for the Saturn. The Saturn version was faster and had more songs, but suffered from a rubbish frame rate, and the Saturn's inability to handle transparent graphics. Somehow, when it turned up on Sega's machine, it was like watching your dad trying to breakdance at a funeral.
The fact that the Saturn version is rarely remembered, demonstrates just how important Wipeout was to establishing the PlayStation narrative.
However...! What Wipeout did was set the stage for the PlayStation to become a lifestyle accessory. With its slick visuals, iconic branding, and soundtrack featuring number one groovyboys The Chemical Brothers, Leftfield, and Orbital, it succeeded in making the PlayStation appear cool to people for whom such a meaningless, subjective, social aesthetic is important.
Also, with far more tracks than that other PlayStation launch day drive 'em up, Ridge Racer, you actually got your money's worth.
What is rarely recalled these days is that Wipeout was also released for the Saturn. The Saturn version was faster and had more songs, but suffered from a rubbish frame rate, and the Saturn's inability to handle transparent graphics. Somehow, when it turned up on Sega's machine, it was like watching your dad trying to breakdance at a funeral.
The fact that the Saturn version is rarely remembered, demonstrates just how important Wipeout was to establishing the PlayStation narrative.
SUPER MARIO 64 - NINTENDO 64
This is a no-brainer. Super Mario 64 established what a platform game could - and should - be like when transformed into 3D. Looking back at Super Mario 64 now, it might've aged somewhat, but it was so stuffed with gameplay and ideas that it had to wear a truss.
Whether you were a Nintendo fanboy or not, there was no way of ignoring Mario 64; it changed everything... EXCEPT YOUR POOEY UNDERPANTS!!!!!
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL...?
Whether you were a Nintendo fanboy or not, there was no way of ignoring Mario 64; it changed everything... EXCEPT YOUR POOEY UNDERPANTS!!!!!
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL...?
HALO: COMBAT EVOLVED - XBOX
The original Halo reset the agenda when it came to first-person shoot 'em ups, but suffered through its isolation as one of the only reasons to bother with the original Xbox. By dismantling all that had become the norm for the genre, and rebuilding it from the ground up, its influence extended beyond any conceivable horizon.
I confess to not being the biggest fan of the Halo series - it's hard to take a paramilitary sci-fi shooter seriously when you're shooting at what amounts to a race of shrieking, alien Munchkins - but its hard to argue against the impact of the game which kicked it all off.
"Halo - is it me you're looking for?"
Yes... yes it was.
I confess to not being the biggest fan of the Halo series - it's hard to take a paramilitary sci-fi shooter seriously when you're shooting at what amounts to a race of shrieking, alien Munchkins - but its hard to argue against the impact of the game which kicked it all off.
"Halo - is it me you're looking for?"
Yes... yes it was.
SUPER MARIO 64 DS - NINTENDO DS
Yes - he's here again! Less than a decade after being released on the Nintendo 64, Nintendo somehow managed to squeeze the entirety of Super Mario 64 into a teeny-tiny DS cartridge, with upgraded graphic textures (albeit without the N64's anti-aliasing), and brand new mini games.
It's these mini games, rather than the main game, which justify Super Mario 64 DS's inclusion in this list, for they helped to sell the potential of the new handheld's double touchscreen capabilities. Pre-dating Apple's iPod Touch by around three years, there had never been anything like the DS.
Indeed, Angry Birds - one of the smartphone era's biggest games - owes an enormous debt to Nintendo.
It's these mini games, rather than the main game, which justify Super Mario 64 DS's inclusion in this list, for they helped to sell the potential of the new handheld's double touchscreen capabilities. Pre-dating Apple's iPod Touch by around three years, there had never been anything like the DS.
Indeed, Angry Birds - one of the smartphone era's biggest games - owes an enormous debt to Nintendo.
WII SPORTS - WII
Like Tetris, Wii Sports was bundled with its host system. Like Tetris, there's a case to be made that no other game came close to justifying the system to which it was exclusive. And also like Tetris, Wii Sports was a game for everyone capable of swinging their arm around.
By giving this game away for free, Nintendo was able to position the Wii as much as a family toy as a games console. How many people never bothered buying anything else for the system? As a business strategy it might not have paid dividends for Nintendo, but there's no denying that it was, once again, a case of software and hardware soulmates - and ensured the company shifted a ton of the latter.
I'm not convinced that there's a Tetris or Wii Sports available in the Nintendo Switch launch line-up, but already some are calling Zelda: Breath of the Wild one of the greatest console launch titles ever.
I'll let you know what I think in due course - right after I've coloured in this rhombus.
By giving this game away for free, Nintendo was able to position the Wii as much as a family toy as a games console. How many people never bothered buying anything else for the system? As a business strategy it might not have paid dividends for Nintendo, but there's no denying that it was, once again, a case of software and hardware soulmates - and ensured the company shifted a ton of the latter.
I'm not convinced that there's a Tetris or Wii Sports available in the Nintendo Switch launch line-up, but already some are calling Zelda: Breath of the Wild one of the greatest console launch titles ever.
I'll let you know what I think in due course - right after I've coloured in this rhombus.
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