Since the dawn of gaming, every generation of hardware has instigated a war between supporters over which is best.
History may declare the winner by how well a system sold, but that's not how we do things here at Digitiser2000: we're too drunk to look up the figures.
Nevertheless, we have appointed ourselves The Arbiters of Taste, and have decided to settle, once and for all, every debate ever regarding which games system is the best - "best" being an entirely arbitrary epithet that we shall struggle to quantify, coming, as it will, from our gut - the same place, not coincidentally, where our poo doth lurk. So here we go then: let's do this. Let's solve everything.
History may declare the winner by how well a system sold, but that's not how we do things here at Digitiser2000: we're too drunk to look up the figures.
Nevertheless, we have appointed ourselves The Arbiters of Taste, and have decided to settle, once and for all, every debate ever regarding which games system is the best - "best" being an entirely arbitrary epithet that we shall struggle to quantify, coming, as it will, from our gut - the same place, not coincidentally, where our poo doth lurk. So here we go then: let's do this. Let's solve everything.
ZX SPECTRUM vs COMMODORE 64
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Though bright and colourful, the Spectrum's graphics were an epileptic's second-worst nightmare (their first-worst nightmare would involve a Spectrum... and a scary monster!), and it was capable only of music that sounded like a randy fox trapped in an empty skip.
The Commodore 64 was a more powerful machine on paper. It sounded better, had more oomph under the bonnet, but everything on it looked as if it had been designed by a Sontaran; it's basically a computer for people who really like earth colours/brown.
On the plus side: better keyboard. On the down side: there were fewer classic games on the C64, and those which made it to both machines were somehow better on the Spectrum. Also, that iconic rainbow stripe indicated that the Spectrum was the world's first LGBT-friendly computer, which is nice.
VERDICT: ZX Spectrum.
The Commodore 64 was a more powerful machine on paper. It sounded better, had more oomph under the bonnet, but everything on it looked as if it had been designed by a Sontaran; it's basically a computer for people who really like earth colours/brown.
On the plus side: better keyboard. On the down side: there were fewer classic games on the C64, and those which made it to both machines were somehow better on the Spectrum. Also, that iconic rainbow stripe indicated that the Spectrum was the world's first LGBT-friendly computer, which is nice.
VERDICT: ZX Spectrum.
MASTER SYSTEM vs NES
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Let's face it - there was just something a bit rubbish about the Master System, wasn't there? The NES felt like a machine that had been designed by a company that knew what it was doing... providing you ignored the Power Glove and R.O.B.
But even they, in their own way, were sort of exciting - the closest the Master System ever got to innovation was its ill-conceived and under-utilised 3D goggles, and that screw-in joypad nub.
Just on games alone, the NES trumps on the Master System's head - Alex Kidd in Miracle World, or Super Mario Bros 3? Admittedly, the Master System got some decent games later in its life, but by then it was just treading water alongside the Mega Drive. And by "treading water" we mean rolling around on its back in a puddle, shrieking and kicking its legs.
VERDICT: NES.
But even they, in their own way, were sort of exciting - the closest the Master System ever got to innovation was its ill-conceived and under-utilised 3D goggles, and that screw-in joypad nub.
Just on games alone, the NES trumps on the Master System's head - Alex Kidd in Miracle World, or Super Mario Bros 3? Admittedly, the Master System got some decent games later in its life, but by then it was just treading water alongside the Mega Drive. And by "treading water" we mean rolling around on its back in a puddle, shrieking and kicking its legs.
VERDICT: NES.
MEGA DRIVE vs SUPER NES
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The Mega Drive - or "Genesis" if you're a prog rock fan - was inexplicably cooler than the Super NES, due to some slick marketing from Sega. But the Mega Drive launched with a handful of mostly terrible games, and when the SNES eventually arrived it seemed to appear fully formed.
Plus, while Sonic the Hedgehog may have have been perceived as more slick than Mario, he had the equivalent endurance of a boyband called The Pubeless Wonderz.
The Mega Drive may have some great games, but there are just so many all-time classics on the Super NES; Super Mario World, Link to the Past, F-Zero.... Also; the SNES felt nice and robust. Pick up a Mega Drive and it rattled like a half-empty charity tin.
VERDICT: Super NES
Plus, while Sonic the Hedgehog may have have been perceived as more slick than Mario, he had the equivalent endurance of a boyband called The Pubeless Wonderz.
The Mega Drive may have some great games, but there are just so many all-time classics on the Super NES; Super Mario World, Link to the Past, F-Zero.... Also; the SNES felt nice and robust. Pick up a Mega Drive and it rattled like a half-empty charity tin.
VERDICT: Super NES
AMIGA vs ATARI ST
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Oooooh! The Atari "Saint" can do many MIDI things! Much as it pains us to say it, this one is a no-brainer. Sorry, ST fans. Perhaps you'd like to instigate a months-long letter-writing campaign to convince us that our opinion is wrong? That always works.
VERDICT: Amiga.
VERDICT: Amiga.
PLAYSTATION vs NINTENDO 64
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There's no real point in including the Saturn in this generation, given that it flopped harder than hot air balloon striking an electricity pylon.
The N64 might've boasted some of the greatest games of all time, including Super Mario 64, Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Goldeneye et al - but we all tended to overlook its fuzzy, smeary, visuals. Frankly, it was like playing games on a telly that some lunatic had covered with Vaseline.
Plus, the physical hardware felt oddly cheap for Nintendo, as if all the money had been spent on that needlessly complicated trident joypad. The PlayStation made the N64 look like a toy by comparison, and was the first console to become a bona-fide lifestyle accessory, whatever one of those is.
There's no arguing with the likes of Final Fantasy VII, Resident Evil, Wipeout, Ridge Racer, Tekken, Metal Gear Solid and Silent Hill. Although, we're sure you'll prove us wrong on that count.
VERDICT: PlayStation.
The N64 might've boasted some of the greatest games of all time, including Super Mario 64, Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Goldeneye et al - but we all tended to overlook its fuzzy, smeary, visuals. Frankly, it was like playing games on a telly that some lunatic had covered with Vaseline.
Plus, the physical hardware felt oddly cheap for Nintendo, as if all the money had been spent on that needlessly complicated trident joypad. The PlayStation made the N64 look like a toy by comparison, and was the first console to become a bona-fide lifestyle accessory, whatever one of those is.
There's no arguing with the likes of Final Fantasy VII, Resident Evil, Wipeout, Ridge Racer, Tekken, Metal Gear Solid and Silent Hill. Although, we're sure you'll prove us wrong on that count.
VERDICT: PlayStation.
XBOX vs GAMECUBE
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The PlayStation 2 was far and away the winner of this generation, and the Dreamcast flailed around in last place going "Oooh, look at me everyone, it's the taking part that counts" - but the battle for runner-up is our focus here.
The first Xbox was a huge, unwieldy monstrosity, that had no real identity of its own. Halo was obviously a game changer, but the GameCube had Wind Waker, Super Mario Sunshine, Luigi's Mansion, Pikmin, Metroid Prime and more.
You could only play Nintendo's games on the GameCube, and it was the only machine you could carry around like a square handbag. For that alone... it wins (second place).
VERDICT: GameCube.
The first Xbox was a huge, unwieldy monstrosity, that had no real identity of its own. Halo was obviously a game changer, but the GameCube had Wind Waker, Super Mario Sunshine, Luigi's Mansion, Pikmin, Metroid Prime and more.
You could only play Nintendo's games on the GameCube, and it was the only machine you could carry around like a square handbag. For that alone... it wins (second place).
VERDICT: GameCube.
WII vs PLAYSTATION 3 vs XBOX 360
This might be the toughest one to call. The Wii is so radically different to its competitors, it almost seems wrong to include it alongside them. It certainly has the edge in terms of innovation. Wii Sports became the first game since Tetris that everybody played.
The Xbox 360 had a rough start, with its red ring of death, and struggled at first to wrestle public opinion out of the hands of the PlayStation brand... but 360 games were easier to get going with; the PS3 seemed to constantly require updates and installation before you could play anything.
It's also hard to think of any PS3 games that really defined the system, whereas the 360 could at least boast the continuing adventures of Master Chief, and Gears of War. Also: it had a much nicer controller, given Sony's stubborn refusal to fix its monstrous bow tie-shaped joypad.
VERDICT: Xbox 360.
The Xbox 360 had a rough start, with its red ring of death, and struggled at first to wrestle public opinion out of the hands of the PlayStation brand... but 360 games were easier to get going with; the PS3 seemed to constantly require updates and installation before you could play anything.
It's also hard to think of any PS3 games that really defined the system, whereas the 360 could at least boast the continuing adventures of Master Chief, and Gears of War. Also: it had a much nicer controller, given Sony's stubborn refusal to fix its monstrous bow tie-shaped joypad.
VERDICT: Xbox 360.
PLAYSTATION 4 vs XBOX ONE
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Forget the Wii U - it's a horrible failed experiment, with only a handful of reasons to pick up that wretched portable television controller. The sooner Nintendo gets around to the NX the better.
The Xbox One got off to the most ignominious of starts, by forcing customers to sniff the diseased underbelly of its wretched Kinect 2.0, but has since done well to eke back a good degree of respect, with some decent exclusives.
Unfortunately, both the PS4 and One have struggled to carve out any real identity of their own - in part, perhaps, because the machines are both bland black slabs, and because there's so little between them in terms of technology. Who knows, frankly? Sony and Microsoft are clearly in this one for the long haul.
VERDICT: Hung jury.
The Xbox One got off to the most ignominious of starts, by forcing customers to sniff the diseased underbelly of its wretched Kinect 2.0, but has since done well to eke back a good degree of respect, with some decent exclusives.
Unfortunately, both the PS4 and One have struggled to carve out any real identity of their own - in part, perhaps, because the machines are both bland black slabs, and because there's so little between them in terms of technology. Who knows, frankly? Sony and Microsoft are clearly in this one for the long haul.
VERDICT: Hung jury.
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE WHAT INSINCERE DAVE THINKS:
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I can't wait to hear what all the zealots have to say about this one!!!!!??!!!!! I totes love those guys!!!!!?!!!!
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