History may declare the winner by how well a system sold, but that's not how we do things here at Digitiser2000: we're too drunk to look up the figures.
Nevertheless, we have appointed ourselves The Arbiters of Taste, and have decided to settle, once and for all, every debate ever regarding which games system is the best - "best" being an entirely arbitrary epithet that we shall struggle to quantify, coming, as it will, from our gut - the same place, not coincidentally, where our poo doth lurk. So here we go then: let's do this. Let's solve everything.
The Commodore 64 was a more powerful machine on paper. It sounded better, had more oomph under the bonnet, but everything on it looked as if it had been designed by a Sontaran; it's basically a computer for people who really like earth colours/brown.
On the plus side: better keyboard. On the down side: there were fewer classic games on the C64, and those which made it to both machines were somehow better on the Spectrum. Also, that iconic rainbow stripe indicated that the Spectrum was the world's first LGBT-friendly computer, which is nice.
VERDICT: ZX Spectrum.
But even they, in their own way, were sort of exciting - the closest the Master System ever got to innovation was its ill-conceived and under-utilised 3D goggles, and that screw-in joypad nub.
Just on games alone, the NES trumps on the Master System's head - Alex Kidd in Miracle World, or Super Mario Bros 3? Admittedly, the Master System got some decent games later in its life, but by then it was just treading water alongside the Mega Drive. And by "treading water" we mean rolling around on its back in a puddle, shrieking and kicking its legs.
Plus, while Sonic the Hedgehog may have have been perceived as more slick than Mario, he had the equivalent endurance of a boyband called The Pubeless Wonderz.
The Mega Drive may have some great games, but there are just so many all-time classics on the Super NES; Super Mario World, Link to the Past, F-Zero.... Also; the SNES felt nice and robust. Pick up a Mega Drive and it rattled like a half-empty charity tin.
VERDICT: Super NES
The N64 might've boasted some of the greatest games of all time, including Super Mario 64, Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Goldeneye et al - but we all tended to overlook its fuzzy, smeary, visuals. Frankly, it was like playing games on a telly that some lunatic had covered with Vaseline.
Plus, the physical hardware felt oddly cheap for Nintendo, as if all the money had been spent on that needlessly complicated trident joypad. The PlayStation made the N64 look like a toy by comparison, and was the first console to become a bona-fide lifestyle accessory, whatever one of those is.
There's no arguing with the likes of Final Fantasy VII, Resident Evil, Wipeout, Ridge Racer, Tekken, Metal Gear Solid and Silent Hill. Although, we're sure you'll prove us wrong on that count.
The first Xbox was a huge, unwieldy monstrosity, that had no real identity of its own. Halo was obviously a game changer, but the GameCube had Wind Waker, Super Mario Sunshine, Luigi's Mansion, Pikmin, Metroid Prime and more.
You could only play Nintendo's games on the GameCube, and it was the only machine you could carry around like a square handbag. For that alone... it wins (second place).
The Xbox 360 had a rough start, with its red ring of death, and struggled at first to wrestle public opinion out of the hands of the PlayStation brand... but 360 games were easier to get going with; the PS3 seemed to constantly require updates and installation before you could play anything.
It's also hard to think of any PS3 games that really defined the system, whereas the 360 could at least boast the continuing adventures of Master Chief, and Gears of War. Also: it had a much nicer controller, given Sony's stubborn refusal to fix its monstrous bow tie-shaped joypad.
VERDICT: Xbox 360.
The Xbox One got off to the most ignominious of starts, by forcing customers to sniff the diseased underbelly of its wretched Kinect 2.0, but has since done well to eke back a good degree of respect, with some decent exclusives.
Unfortunately, both the PS4 and One have struggled to carve out any real identity of their own - in part, perhaps, because the machines are both bland black slabs, and because there's so little between them in terms of technology. Who knows, frankly? Sony and Microsoft are clearly in this one for the long haul.
VERDICT: Hung jury.