Back when I was a child, Mr Potato Head was little more than a box of plastic bits with spikes on, that you'd ram into an actual tuber. Now, of course, health and safety has literally gone mad, and no toy manufacturer is permitted to sell products which encourage turning organic matter into playthings.
This is why we no longer have such toys as Rudyard Raw-Meat, Andrew Albumen-Hair, and Shitwheels.
Once upon a time, though, Mr Potato Head manufacturer Hasbro sought to expand its range of potato-headed products into other foodstuffs... not just fruit and vegetables - but meat also. Here are Mr Potato Head's forgotten friends...
This is why we no longer have such toys as Rudyard Raw-Meat, Andrew Albumen-Hair, and Shitwheels.
Once upon a time, though, Mr Potato Head manufacturer Hasbro sought to expand its range of potato-headed products into other foodstuffs... not just fruit and vegetables - but meat also. Here are Mr Potato Head's forgotten friends...
MRS POTATO HEAD
Mrs Potato Head has appeared with her husband in the Toy Story movies, where she has yet to demonstrate the "jumpin'" abilities for which she is famed.
If I were a sexist 1970s comedian I'd be able to make a joke here about the serving suggestion on the packaging: "Wind her up and watch her go, ladies and gentlemen - just like a real wife - aren't I right, fellers?".
Instead, I shall draw your attention to the many things you could make Mrs Potato Head do: use a floor cleaner, use a popcorn popper, and ring a bell - just like a real wife! Ding ding!
If I were a sexist 1970s comedian I'd be able to make a joke here about the serving suggestion on the packaging: "Wind her up and watch her go, ladies and gentlemen - just like a real wife - aren't I right, fellers?".
Instead, I shall draw your attention to the many things you could make Mrs Potato Head do: use a floor cleaner, use a popcorn popper, and ring a bell - just like a real wife! Ding ding!
"NEW BABY"
Too many questions are raised by the scenario portrayed on this Mr & Mrs Potato Head combo box. On their left we have two potato-headed children (although one has a moustache, suggesting they might simply be small adults).
And there on the right is Mrs Potato Head, looking up adoringly at her husband as he flies around the kitchen in his little red jet, while she pushes... A HUMAN CHILD IN A BUGGY.
Are we to assume that the coupling of this tuber-headed pairing produced an infant made of flesh and bone? Or have they simply stolen it from the supermarket?
"Let's turn him into chips and see how he likes it!"
And there on the right is Mrs Potato Head, looking up adoringly at her husband as he flies around the kitchen in his little red jet, while she pushes... A HUMAN CHILD IN A BUGGY.
Are we to assume that the coupling of this tuber-headed pairing produced an infant made of flesh and bone? Or have they simply stolen it from the supermarket?
"Let's turn him into chips and see how he likes it!"
KATIE THE CARROT
Yes... Mr Potato Head had a "friend" called Katie The Carrot. What Mrs Potato Head made of their relationship is anyone's guess, but - as you can see - Katie was quite the looker.
Now it is time for an excellent comedy joke:
QUESTION: What's orange and pointy and betrays Jesus?
ANSWER: Judas's carrot.
Now it is time for an excellent comedy joke:
QUESTION: What's orange and pointy and betrays Jesus?
ANSWER: Judas's carrot.
COOKY THE CUCUMBER
Cooky the Cucumber - at least in his/her default plastic form - appears to be based upon the sort of cucumber that we in the UK call a gherkin. It is possible to derive some amusement from imagining that Cooky is battling alcoholism - thus becoming the proverbial "pickled cucumber".
PETE THE PEPPER
Pete The Pepper - at least in the image above - seems to know exactly what he is, and he's none too happy about it. Nevertheless, it had me wondering whether all vegetables, in whichever level of Hell resides Mr Potato Head and his friends, are capable of sentience.
If so, why not pumpkins, melons and marrows too? And if the pumpkins, melons and marrows are as sentient as their potato and pepper bredrin, would their size make them dominant? Who among the vegetable community is the alpha?
If so, why not pumpkins, melons and marrows too? And if the pumpkins, melons and marrows are as sentient as their potato and pepper bredrin, would their size make them dominant? Who among the vegetable community is the alpha?
DUNKIE DONUT-HEAD
With Dunkie Donut-Head, Hasbro took a one-time detour into fried desserts. More than any other of Mr Potato Head's "friends", Dunkie Donut-Head raises questions about his biology.
You see... he has a hole right through the middle of his face... Aside from this being wholly impractical in terms of pumping blood around his skull, what's the story there with his brain? Is it arch-shaped, or just stuffed into the top there? There is no correlation between what we see here and anything else in nature.
Truly, Dunkie Donut-Head can be labelled "Darwin's Travesty".
You see... he has a hole right through the middle of his face... Aside from this being wholly impractical in terms of pumping blood around his skull, what's the story there with his brain? Is it arch-shaped, or just stuffed into the top there? There is no correlation between what we see here and anything else in nature.
Truly, Dunkie Donut-Head can be labelled "Darwin's Travesty".
OSCAR THE ORANGE
Sadly, Oscar, with his orange skin, suffered from a narcissistic personality disorder, which drove him to try and take over the vegetable kingdom by playing on the fears of the other vegetables.
"Make me your leader and I'll keep you safe from being peeled!"
It worked, but - unfortunately - once in power Oscar hadn't reckoned on the will of the veggies to stand up for themselves. As soon as they realised that his narcissism was essentially the engine driving a fascist doctrine, which he attempted to obfuscate with lies and bluster, they rose up as one to bring him down.
His attempts to stage a coup by appealing to the fears of his electoral base, while secretly protecting his own interests, ultimately resulted in mass protests, and his much-celebrated impeachment.
Ironically, the judge at his impeachment trial was Judge Percy Peach.
"Make me your leader and I'll keep you safe from being peeled!"
It worked, but - unfortunately - once in power Oscar hadn't reckoned on the will of the veggies to stand up for themselves. As soon as they realised that his narcissism was essentially the engine driving a fascist doctrine, which he attempted to obfuscate with lies and bluster, they rose up as one to bring him down.
His attempts to stage a coup by appealing to the fears of his electoral base, while secretly protecting his own interests, ultimately resulted in mass protests, and his much-celebrated impeachment.
Ironically, the judge at his impeachment trial was Judge Percy Peach.
FRENCHY FRY
Frenchy Fry raises all sorts of questions. Firstly... he might be the only Mr Potato Head toy whose facial features only work with the included plastic head, rather than the food it is based on (unless you like really fat chips). Secondly... French fries are a derivative of potatoes. Are we to assume that Frenchy Fry was once like Mr Potato Head, but had undergone cosmetic surgery?
WILLY BURGER AND KETCHUP HEAD
Yes: Willy Burger and Ketchup Head, both of which sound like deviant carnal practices.
FRANKIE FRANK
"Yo yo! It's Frankie Frank up in yo house! Please kill me. I am in terrible pain."
BONUS VIDEO SECTION!
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