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THE FIVE AGES OF GAMING

18/1/2015

15 Comments

 
Long gone are the days when gamers were just horrible teenage boys. Apparently, the average age of a gamer is now 35+ - meaning that these days, everyone plays games in one form or another. 

But what is it like to grow old as a gamer? Let Digitiser 2000 lead you through the coming years, as we present this guide to The Five Ages of Gaming....

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TEENS
WOOT! Look at all that epic blood! LULZ! You shoot them dead! Ha ha! You just called their mum a foetus-gay! PWNED.

So anyway your parents bought you GTAV and they didn't even realise it was 18+ because they're such stupid idiots and your mum can't see because her eyelids are so fat they hang down over her fat eyes like hamsicles. 

Seriously it's like her face was carved out of Spam by a spork-wielding toddler and left in the sun for the dogs to lick.

Too bad you can't shoot her but if she wasn't around you wouldn't get your tea and you would starve in your room JK JK JK - you don't want her to die because who's going to pay for your games IRL if that insipid growler isn't around? God. It's well selfish of her not to arrange for someone to do that in the event of her dying because her neck got so fat it ate her own face AND she doesn't even respect your global ranking in COD like she even knows how to hold a joypad anyway NOOB!

And so what if she gets wise to age ratings? You'll just download your games like you do all that vile hentai on Reddit and 4Chan that looks real good on the Alienware laptop that pathetic embarrassing woman gave you for Christmas and she's such a loser making food for you every night and believing you mean it when you thank her. Chicken Kievs? WTF?!? 

And what gives her a right to try to limit your screen time and threaten to change the wifi password if you don't clean your room?! And your dad's even worse because he's STILL calling your PS4 an Xbox and why can't he just hurry up and die of natural causes for pity's sake or in a car accident or get the top of his head cut off?! It's obvious they're like completely different machines. 

Anyway. Who cares? Pretty soon you're going to be 18 and you'll finally be able to tell the rancid old slag and that man good riddance and you're going to get a degree in Interactive Media or whatever and set up your own games company making your dream game that's a violent sandbox recreation of the road you live in incorporating a kitten belch synthesiser and you're gonna be a trillionaire cause you've come up with a way to do realistic flowing blood.

And you're going to join Anonymous.


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20s
This is the best time ever to be a gamer. In fact, it’s the best time to be anything at all! And better still – being in your 20s will last indefinitely!!!! You’ll literally never grow old!!! Nothing is ever going to change again!!!!!

When you’re not down the gaming theme pub drinking craft lager or ironic real ale (ie; St. Sonic's Albino Glans or Mario's Ruptured Mole Rat Abdomen) with your cool, beautiful, friends, with all their taut skin that has yet to be ravaged by age or childbirth, you're playing games. For hours and hours and hours. Thank god for your enormous disposable income! 

At the end of any given night you can’t wait to get back to your flatshare to play Mario Kart 8, while drinking vodka out of a My Little Pony rucksack, and taking turns doing the quizzes on Buzzfeed. Which Rick Astley Lyric Are You?! Irony is the best, guy! 

And when you’re not doing that, you’re working on your Samus or Bayonetta costume for Expo, or checking your Twitter notifications.

So what if you're shouldering a massive student debt from that pointless degree you spent years on. You've got hundreds of decades to pay that back. Life is for living. Life is for youth. Life is for games. Life is for free hugs, and checking Twitter notifications and OMG you just got favourited by Will Weaton!!!! SQUEEE!!!!


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30s
Uh-oh. What the...?! What just happened...?! 

You weren’t expecting this. You’ve suddenly found yourself in a steady relationship. With a mortgage. Maybe there’s even a kid on the way. 
You were meant to stay young forever. You've got grey hairs. And a belly. 

And you’re finding it harder and harder to play your games. You can just about fit in an hour of Titanfall (the one game you could afford to buy this year) before bed – IF you can find someone to play with online. 

All your old gaming buddies have lives of their own now. In fact, playing online is the only time you get to speak to them, and when you do you just stay in the game lobby complaining about all the bills you all need to pay, the fact you’ve not been out of the house in weeks, except to go to work, and how you get indigestion most nights, and – oh god – it’s your turn to change the nappy. 

But it's ok. You've still got one foot in your youth. You still have your games, just. You're not past it yet. But wait... that sound... can you hear that ticking? Tick tock, tick tock... That's a biological timebomb waiting to explode, and destroy your last vestiges of youth. It's coming. It's getting louder. 

We hope you're ready... pretty soon you're going to be too old for games. Pretty soon you'll walk into your local branch of Game and the age alarm will go off, and you'll be escorted out by security... Because that's the law.


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40s
Oh god. This is the end. Your consoles are sat in a corner gathering dust. Your joints are barely strong enough to lift a joypad. You’re a husk. A disgusting, revolting, dried-up old husk. All your best days are behind you. 

Your relationships have all failed. You're crippled with debt. Overweight. Balding. Hunched over and riddled with arthritis, and there's a weird smell emanating from your pants, like an old salmon bagel that somebody's stuffed a rotten Snickers into. And your children hate you, even though you're paying their way through uni, in a vain bid to give them the life you never achieved. 

And you haven't played a game in months; they're not an escape anymore. All those bright colours and loud noises are too overwhelming, and even picking up a joypad makes your fingers hurt. Weekends are spent beneath the covers in a depressed ball, and weekdays you have to go through the motions in some soul-destroying middle-management role, fretting about your pension and wondering whether you'll ever again be able to afford a holiday. Even if you had somebody to go on holiday with you.

Games aren’t for you anyway. They’re for young people. Young, vibrant souls, who have yet to ruin their lives. People who deserve them. People who don't break wind involuntarily every time they blink. Why didn’t you have the decency to die young, instead of going on and on like this? You’re a drain on resources. And – oh god – you’ve started playing Temple Run on your phone, on the toilet, while shaking and crying.

What’s wrong with you?! God, I can’t even look at you. I’m just going to cover you with this sheet and pretend you’re dead already.


Picture
50+
Well, somehow you made it through the wasteland of your 40s and came out the other side into a brighter, happier time! Congratulations!

You're a bubbly, bouncy, fun grandparent. Everybody loves you! And you love games more than ever before - specifically iPad Words With Friends, and Papa Pear Saga.

Oh! And you adore your grandson's Wii - the bowling is a hoot! You still can't use a joypad without swaying from side to side, and ducking in response to what your characters are doing on screen. But still... at least you're entertaining to watch! And best of all... you've probably still got another ten or fifteen years left before you die for real! 

Now... who's ready to trade lives in Papa Pear?!

15 Comments
Mark McCormack
18/1/2015 10:20:51 am

Seriously unflattering pic for people in their 40's! Lol.

I don't look anything like that.

Reply
ted sallis
18/1/2015 11:13:35 am

For a belated 50th selfie,I picked up a new fangled PS4 last October, with extra pad +Destiny and Evil Within. FIVE HUNNER POWN! for that little lot , After a couple of days my interest began to wane, one night when i actually had the telly to myself ,i sat watching old episodes of Bullseye ( the shit ones without Jim Bowen) on Challenge TV. It never even occurred to me to fire up my new toy. Could not summon up any enthusiasm for Destiny or the other game. Thankfully a workmate pointed me towards The Last Of Us, This is what the next gen is all about , breathtaking visuals , a compelling storyline , characters you really care about. Same workmate pointed out i could have played it on a PS3 !?? and saved myself £300.!!!
I could have bought a cracking set of crown green bowls and had 2 of my skin tags removed for that.

Reply
Mr Biffo
18/1/2015 12:10:36 pm

That's the thing as you get older I find - weighing up what you could be spending the money on. Sometimes spending money on stuff just for you feels like an indulgence...

Reply
Andy Hinton
18/1/2015 11:15:24 am

It's good to know that, even if the wide range of age groups playing games makes for a more diverse gaming scene than ever, they are at least all men by the sounds of it.

Sorry if I'm "harshing" your "buzz".

Reply
Mr Biffo
18/1/2015 12:09:19 pm

Waaaaaah...! Sorry about that, Andy. Frustrating you feel that way, mind, because I went to great pains to make the light-hearted, tongue-in-cheek, piece as non-gender specific as possible without landing myself in trouble for making any over references to female ageing (menopause, sagging boobs...) etc. Y'know... because I'm a man (or I was the last time I checked), and didn't think it's my place. I think the only very specific reference to anything male was the bit about balding. My mother is obsessed with Papa Pear Saga and loves Wii bowling, so certainly the 50+ section was written as a specific reference to her. Oh well. Can't win 'em all.

Reply
MrPSB
19/1/2015 01:28:38 am

I'm in my 30s and it's always my turn to change my nappy because I live alone :(

Andy Hinton
19/1/2015 03:57:45 am

Nah, I'm sorry, I must have been feeling a bit pissy last night! (Though to be fair, the teenager definitely reads as specifically male to me.)

Andy Hinton
18/1/2015 11:19:36 am

(Except maybe the person in their 20s, now I think about it.)

Reply
Mr Biffo
19/1/2015 04:40:27 am

Andy - worry ye not. And yeah, there's probably a male-skew to all of them to a point, which is a sorry by-product of me unavoidably being a bloke...!

Reply
dan de la peche
18/1/2015 12:22:14 pm

The longer the hairs growing out of my ears get, the less ability I have to pull off a multi-kill on any FPS. Coincidence or something far more sinister?

Reply
Mr Smith
18/1/2015 12:28:17 pm

Anyone else flashback to Total Recall when seeing the 30s photo?

Reply
The man who just won't stay away from your bins link
19/1/2015 08:54:03 am

I seem to be living the 30s archetype in my 40s.

20s were the best age for gaming as credit card debt was something you mentioned in passing to your parents and they cleared it for you without your asking. Soon the 30s came and I got an overdraft too.
Thankfully eggsbox achievements didn't appear until I was 32 or I doubt I'd have left the house for any reason in my 20s.

Reply
Laura
2/2/2015 04:06:24 pm

Wow, that was freakishly accurate!!! Apart from the nappy part, I developed an allergy to small children some years ago. Not looking forward to the 40's

Reply
Simon
10/2/2015 04:27:11 am

Brilliant list! In my 30s at the moment and thankfully no sign of the nappy changes yet!

Great to see Digitiser back

Reply
Mr Biffo
11/2/2015 11:53:42 am

Cheers, Simon!

Reply



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