Do you have a brace-application unit to hand? Is it switched on? Then the time has come to brace yourself for another Digitiser2000 letters page.
Perhaps you'd like some of the glory our many, many correspondents are currently basking in, simply from having a letter "published" (cut-and-pasted) here on Digitiser2000?
There are two ways to make this happen: you could send us a contact form entry - though we wouldn't recommend it, as that hasn't seemed to have been working too well - or drop us a line at: digitiser2000@gmail.com
Every single letter we print wins a free puff of air. Now let's get some good ones going, please.
Perhaps you'd like some of the glory our many, many correspondents are currently basking in, simply from having a letter "published" (cut-and-pasted) here on Digitiser2000?
There are two ways to make this happen: you could send us a contact form entry - though we wouldn't recommend it, as that hasn't seemed to have been working too well - or drop us a line at: digitiser2000@gmail.com
Every single letter we print wins a free puff of air. Now let's get some good ones going, please.
PANDA BEAR
Thank you for your excellent review of Shenmue on the Dreamcast. It finally persuaded me to buy the console and I enjoyed it enormously. I was wondering, what would you recommend next?
Gerald Dogson
Thank you for your excellent review of Shenmue on the Dreamcast. It finally persuaded me to buy the console and I enjoyed it enormously. I was wondering, what would you recommend next?
Gerald Dogson
In all seriousness... I recommend you check yourself for testicular lumps. It's good for your health, and can be enormous fun, especially with a friend/pet/priest involved.
PIGEON STEPS
A particularly ill-bowelled magic pigeon has a vendetta against you and is just about to peck out your heart killing you dead. In a moment of unusual compassion the pigeon decides that it will grant you a Final Fantasy.
You answer, but unfortunately the pigeon cannot hear you over the cacophonous sound of the Nandos it had for lunch exiting its feathery log flume.
The pigeon repeats his question but again is unable to hear your response as it makes that weird sound pigeons with IBS do.
This repeats a further 13 times until finally the pigeon hears you respond with the answer to what your 15th Final Fantasy is. The pigeon thinks it would be excellent for you to announce this to the world before he grants it and continues his slaughtering of you.
Would you ever eat a budgie and what game are you most looking forward to playing?
AcidBeard
A particularly ill-bowelled magic pigeon has a vendetta against you and is just about to peck out your heart killing you dead. In a moment of unusual compassion the pigeon decides that it will grant you a Final Fantasy.
You answer, but unfortunately the pigeon cannot hear you over the cacophonous sound of the Nandos it had for lunch exiting its feathery log flume.
The pigeon repeats his question but again is unable to hear your response as it makes that weird sound pigeons with IBS do.
This repeats a further 13 times until finally the pigeon hears you respond with the answer to what your 15th Final Fantasy is. The pigeon thinks it would be excellent for you to announce this to the world before he grants it and continues his slaughtering of you.
Would you ever eat a budgie and what game are you most looking forward to playing?
AcidBeard
Tragic story this: my nan, gawd rest her soul, went on holiday many years ago and left Joey, her beloved talking budgie, for my mum to look after. My mother in her wisdom decided to clean out Joey's cage while holding my 2 year-old niece with her other arm. She got Joey out of the cage and asked my niece if she'd like to stroke him. My niece promptly reached out and snapped Joey's neck, killing him immediately.
My mother then took dead Joey around to various pet shops trying to find a similar-looking replacement, because she didn't dare tell my nan - eventually finding one.
A few weeks after my Nan returned from holiday, she grumbled to my mother: "I'm never going away again - it traumatised poor Joey. He hasn't said a word since I got back". Ha ha. I mean... boo-hoo.
Also: No Man's Sky.
My mother then took dead Joey around to various pet shops trying to find a similar-looking replacement, because she didn't dare tell my nan - eventually finding one.
A few weeks after my Nan returned from holiday, she grumbled to my mother: "I'm never going away again - it traumatised poor Joey. He hasn't said a word since I got back". Ha ha. I mean... boo-hoo.
Also: No Man's Sky.
REXPERTS
You have to laugh at how everyone now thinks they are some sort of retro computer expert these days.
Why just the other day at the bus stop, someone asked me if I was on the Spectrum. I was incensed as clearly I had an image of Jack Tramiel using a Commodore VIC20 tatooed to my face and torso. Idiots, grrrr.
Retro lamers more like eh Biff?
Carl Attrill
You have to laugh at how everyone now thinks they are some sort of retro computer expert these days.
Why just the other day at the bus stop, someone asked me if I was on the Spectrum. I was incensed as clearly I had an image of Jack Tramiel using a Commodore VIC20 tatooed to my face and torso. Idiots, grrrr.
Retro lamers more like eh Biff?
Carl Attrill
What exactly do you want from me now, Carl?
MIND CONTROLLER
What's your favorite games controller of all time, AND WHY??? Also, have you ever burned yourself or a family member whilst making tea?
Sergeant Ted Horsebottom (retired)
What's your favorite games controller of all time, AND WHY??? Also, have you ever burned yourself or a family member whilst making tea?
Sergeant Ted Horsebottom (retired)
Probably the Xbox 360 controller. I know everyone liked the N64 controller, but I came to know it as "Satan's Trident". Press reveal for my idea of the perfect games controller:
REVEAL:
CHICKENS
Greetings friend. One cannot comprehend the events of the past week, which is why i haven't bothered. Instead i decided to spend my time resurrecting a WINDOW OF THE XP computer and playing Traffic Giant (GOLD EDITION FOR I AM NOT A PEASANT) until i passed out from exhaustion. In the previous several months i had already purchased an AMIGA because a man on the internet told me it was the best computer ever. I have since discovered him to be a philandering grasp.
The only Grace of Thy Saviour bestowed upon the infernal contraption was Microprose F1GP, which then occupied my "Chicken's Hotspot" for the next some days. I for one struggle to splice the drisp of why i read your programme of the inter-computernet for my gaming expertise is equivalent to that of a low grade trope.
I trust you will not park my Heatons!
Dr Larsico Flarne of Peking Duck Down (Netherlands)
Greetings friend. One cannot comprehend the events of the past week, which is why i haven't bothered. Instead i decided to spend my time resurrecting a WINDOW OF THE XP computer and playing Traffic Giant (GOLD EDITION FOR I AM NOT A PEASANT) until i passed out from exhaustion. In the previous several months i had already purchased an AMIGA because a man on the internet told me it was the best computer ever. I have since discovered him to be a philandering grasp.
The only Grace of Thy Saviour bestowed upon the infernal contraption was Microprose F1GP, which then occupied my "Chicken's Hotspot" for the next some days. I for one struggle to splice the drisp of why i read your programme of the inter-computernet for my gaming expertise is equivalent to that of a low grade trope.
I trust you will not park my Heatons!
Dr Larsico Flarne of Peking Duck Down (Netherlands)
Question: Why did you write such a weird letter?
PRIME
Great days! A duty of candour is finally pushing away the veils of spin and deliberate missinformation on our screens. No more is this evident than on ITV and the show 'It's Not Rocket Science'. It certainly isn't. The executive producers should be proud of this new and refreshing branding of a prime time tv show. I just hope that all involved can take the small step in the new season and rename it 'Benin Turdfest with Craptiods'.
What say you, el Biff?
Carl Attrill
Great days! A duty of candour is finally pushing away the veils of spin and deliberate missinformation on our screens. No more is this evident than on ITV and the show 'It's Not Rocket Science'. It certainly isn't. The executive producers should be proud of this new and refreshing branding of a prime time tv show. I just hope that all involved can take the small step in the new season and rename it 'Benin Turdfest with Craptiods'.
What say you, el Biff?
Carl Attrill
What's going on, Carl? What do you really want? Seriously.
AMIGA
Dear Sirs. Why do you hate the Amiga? There is nothing you can't do on the Amiga that you can do on an Eye Pad. Stop doing the Amiga down you big computer racists!
David Pleasance, London
Dear Sirs. Why do you hate the Amiga? There is nothing you can't do on the Amiga that you can do on an Eye Pad. Stop doing the Amiga down you big computer racists!
David Pleasance, London
Press reveal to find out why we really hate the Amiga, Donald:
REVEAL:
END OF THE WORLD
Hello Bumpy. You are understood to be a fan of post-apocalyptic vistas. If a dyspeptic sorcerer forced you to choose a fictional dystopia to inhabit, which would you choose and what would you do for a living once there? Yours in undying enmity,
"A friend".
Hello Bumpy. You are understood to be a fan of post-apocalyptic vistas. If a dyspeptic sorcerer forced you to choose a fictional dystopia to inhabit, which would you choose and what would you do for a living once there? Yours in undying enmity,
"A friend".
Dream post-apocalypse job? Press reveal to find out, "A":
REVEAL:
VR NOT YOUR FRIENDS
It seems to me that many of your loyal readers have been asking you the wrong questions. I read (or imagine) questions about your favourite game, or console, or VR headset, or boy band, or TV interior designer. But no one thinks about what it is that you ACTUALLY DO. You are a writer and words are your stock-in-trade, your toolbox, your hammer and chisel, your paints and palette. So, Biffo. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE WORD?
Here are a few of mine to get the party started (other readers might like to share theirs?):
Bizzies - to describe the police. Sadly, I rarely get to use this in any meaningful context, being a married, middle aged, male primary school teacher.
Ace - as an adjective, not a verb or noun.
Firm - because it has so many nice uses.
So, now, you?
penyrolewen
It seems to me that many of your loyal readers have been asking you the wrong questions. I read (or imagine) questions about your favourite game, or console, or VR headset, or boy band, or TV interior designer. But no one thinks about what it is that you ACTUALLY DO. You are a writer and words are your stock-in-trade, your toolbox, your hammer and chisel, your paints and palette. So, Biffo. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE WORD?
Here are a few of mine to get the party started (other readers might like to share theirs?):
Bizzies - to describe the police. Sadly, I rarely get to use this in any meaningful context, being a married, middle aged, male primary school teacher.
Ace - as an adjective, not a verb or noun.
Firm - because it has so many nice uses.
So, now, you?
penyrolewen
I've got a soft spot for "nozzle".
ANSWERS
Thanks readers for taking part in the quiz.
Here are the answers.
1) Senisble Soccer 2006
2) It's a trick question as you only get four fingers in a Kit-Kat
3) Judas priest
4) Cottaging
5) Vinegar in the underpants
6) Charlotte Hindle
Thanks again, more digi letters quiz soon.
Carl Attrill
Thanks readers for taking part in the quiz.
Here are the answers.
1) Senisble Soccer 2006
2) It's a trick question as you only get four fingers in a Kit-Kat
3) Judas priest
4) Cottaging
5) Vinegar in the underpants
6) Charlotte Hindle
Thanks again, more digi letters quiz soon.
Carl Attrill
Here are the questions:
1) What does Carl Attrill keep putting up his anus?
2) Would Carl Attrill like to put the fifth finger of a Kit-Kat up his anus?
3) Who does Carl Attrill think lives in his anus?
4) What is Carl Attrill's job?
5) Why were Carl Attrill's trousers damp after he tried to eat fish n' chips with his anus?
6) What is the full name of Carl Attrill's anus?
1) What does Carl Attrill keep putting up his anus?
2) Would Carl Attrill like to put the fifth finger of a Kit-Kat up his anus?
3) Who does Carl Attrill think lives in his anus?
4) What is Carl Attrill's job?
5) Why were Carl Attrill's trousers damp after he tried to eat fish n' chips with his anus?
6) What is the full name of Carl Attrill's anus?
PERSONAL SERVICE
I heard that the Teletexts have returned, and I have been waiting ever since you disappeared to ask a question of the most personal in nature. And here it is: Every night when I touch my winkle I can hear a clanging sound emitting from the tip before a small man-like creature (a man) crawls out and adjusts a flange on the shaft, before climbing back in, at which point some ephemera is/are discharged and a great sense of ennui takes over.
What can it be? What? WHAT? What did I do to deserve this Nick? Please tell me why, and come directly to my house to solve this problem, I assume only you are able to do so.
Dr . P. Nurse, Anusford
I heard that the Teletexts have returned, and I have been waiting ever since you disappeared to ask a question of the most personal in nature. And here it is: Every night when I touch my winkle I can hear a clanging sound emitting from the tip before a small man-like creature (a man) crawls out and adjusts a flange on the shaft, before climbing back in, at which point some ephemera is/are discharged and a great sense of ennui takes over.
What can it be? What? WHAT? What did I do to deserve this Nick? Please tell me why, and come directly to my house to solve this problem, I assume only you are able to do so.
Dr . P. Nurse, Anusford
The great thing about this letter is it's exactly the sort of thing we'd have chucked in the bin back in the old days. Now there's plenty of space to print any old shit. Let's have another reveal-oh, showing you what our post bag looks like:
REVEAL:
TOO EASY
Hi, I must admit the only reason I'm writing is to see how easy it is to get printed in the letters page. You don't have to print that bit if it's embarrassing.
Anyway I only ever really looked at teletext for Bamboozle when we went to my Granddad's house in Sunderland. Bamboozle was great. Cheers!
Matt Bainbridge
Hi, I must admit the only reason I'm writing is to see how easy it is to get printed in the letters page. You don't have to print that bit if it's embarrassing.
Anyway I only ever really looked at teletext for Bamboozle when we went to my Granddad's house in Sunderland. Bamboozle was great. Cheers!
Matt Bainbridge
Well, thank Bod. An actual nice, normal letter. But to satisfy your curiosity, Beryl - yes, it's very, very easy to get letters printed on here. Just ask Carl Attrill, if he isn't too busy putting things up his anus.
STUMBLEINA
Hello Digitiser2000. I stumbled upon Digitiser2000 whilst scouring the web for old Teletext Digitiser images whilst having a nostalgic 90's moment and was astounded and delighted to find you'd launched this new site!
So i thought i'd ask a question. A question that has perplexed mankind, including myself, ever since the mighty Digitiser left the pixelated airwaves all those years ago.
My question is this: What is a reversible sedgewick? And is it possible for you to draw me a picture of one so i know how to identify it from now on?
Waynan The Barbarian.
Hello Digitiser2000. I stumbled upon Digitiser2000 whilst scouring the web for old Teletext Digitiser images whilst having a nostalgic 90's moment and was astounded and delighted to find you'd launched this new site!
So i thought i'd ask a question. A question that has perplexed mankind, including myself, ever since the mighty Digitiser left the pixelated airwaves all those years ago.
My question is this: What is a reversible sedgewick? And is it possible for you to draw me a picture of one so i know how to identify it from now on?
Waynan The Barbarian.
You can't see what one looks like, but reveal-me-do to see what one does:
REVEAL:
NINTENDON'T
Are you worried about Nintendo? I'm worried about Nintendo. I think they're going to go a bit Sega. So, instead of worrying about that, how about you answer me this: which breed of chicken would be best to blow your nose into?
Thank you for your input.
CrispyFloyd
PS: Please do a projected timeline of Nintendo going to the dogs in spectacular fashion over the next 20 years. With Frank Sidebottom.
Are you worried about Nintendo? I'm worried about Nintendo. I think they're going to go a bit Sega. So, instead of worrying about that, how about you answer me this: which breed of chicken would be best to blow your nose into?
Thank you for your input.
CrispyFloyd
PS: Please do a projected timeline of Nintendo going to the dogs in spectacular fashion over the next 20 years. With Frank Sidebottom.
I'm a little worried about Nintendo. I think they are are out of touch with what the global games market wants. But I'll hold back judgement until we know exactly what the NX is. My hands hurt too much to do you a timeline, but press reveal for a look at what Frank Sidebottom's son is up to these days:
REVEAL:
CLUNK-CLINK
I have copied the odd computer game or two, who hasn't? A victimless crime you would think. However, I did get caught and prosecuted for it. I copied Microsphere's 1986 classic Back 2 Skool. It seems going into a School and hitting the Headmaster then proceeding to chase after and kiss a female pupil does not just result in being sent home these days.
C-Man 2255786 (Carl Attrill)
I have copied the odd computer game or two, who hasn't? A victimless crime you would think. However, I did get caught and prosecuted for it. I copied Microsphere's 1986 classic Back 2 Skool. It seems going into a School and hitting the Headmaster then proceeding to chase after and kiss a female pupil does not just result in being sent home these days.
C-Man 2255786 (Carl Attrill)
Jesus.
Where do the emails go? They go here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
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