If you'd like to appear on this... this here: the Digitiser2000 letters page, please send your questions, suggestions and musings to: email@example.com
And please don't make them too long, like some of today's fools did.
1. Will we see a return of Dennis the Man of Zinc? And indeed the remaining four clones (there were five and one of them died as I recall). How about Wired Child? Also I'd love to see the return of the Tinman and his nuts.
2. What's the significance of people (some times skinheads) looking through the window when you're in the bath? It's an evocative image and one that you've referenced a couple of times.
3. Do you remember doing a bit about a character that got removed from Street Fighter 2 due to him having a grossly large navel that kept making the programmers sick every time they looked at it? I do recall there was small illustration of said character.
4. I seem to remember there was an April Fools' joke where you changed the name of Digitiser to something like Gamma Seven, is that accurate? What were some of your other favourite April Fools jokes?
5. Have you considered hosting a similar archive of old material on the new site? There's a fair bit out there and perhaps the likes of Moleman and Chris Bell would be up for coming on board in that capacity.
1. Dennis Man of Zinc and Wired Child were always written by Gavin "Mr Udders" Lambert, who was the Digi chips & teats and charts monkey. The Tinman was all Mr Biffo's, mind. You've probably noticed we've dialled back on the old characters on Digi2000 a little. We'd be interested to know what other people think... but the posts are never as popular when there's a character in them. Man Diary is notably unpopular! Plus... sometimes it's hard to get excited about playing "the greatest hits". That's not to say we won't from time to time though.
2. People in the bath looking in? No reason. WHY??? Are you intending to do it?
3. We know nothing of the Street Fighter character with the large naval.
4. We did indeed change Digi's name to this: Helios 7. Here's a thing: a cat owned by the Centre of Fortean Zoology was named Helios 7 in tribute. Favourite Digi April Fool's prank? A news story which reported that Sonic the Hedgehog was going to die of septicaemia in Sonic & Knuckles. Someone wrote into Mean Machines asking if it was true. Which amused us no end.
5. Not sure there's much need for Digi2000 to host an archive of the old stuff. There are so many good archives out there already, plus any archive we host on here is going to be incomplete anyway. We do have an archive of Digitiser2000, however.
Do Sony really have a clue what they are doing or are they just winging it and been lucky so far? People complain about Nintendo not being with the times and Microsoft messing up xbox one with their E3 moronathon but is Sony really any better? I say no I say they are the worst and heres why.
They strutted onto the gaming scene in their shiny new shoes in the 90s and woed us all with their techno soundtracks and arcade perfect gaming at a time when arcade perfect actually meant something but since then they have done nothing, the ps2 was more of the same and the ps3 and ps4 is too, we see the same names trotted out every gen and theres no attempt to innovate, their attempt to incorporate boomerang functionality to their control pads to render them both indoor and outdoor toys was faced with such hostility they quickly reverted back to the old 90s design, and apart from a few half arsed inclusions of wii style tech that they never fully bother with, everything has remained stagnant with the most significant change being the style of font used for the console names.
But it is their attempts at making handhelds that really gives away how useless they are, the psp was full of power but short of battery life and even worse it suffered the curse of over priced memory sticks and lack of games, the whole idea of umd movies died a swift death and as soon as their new toy distracted them away from it the psp died too.
Roll on a few years and they where trumpeting about the vita once again it was blighted from the off by over priced memory cards and a lack of games, the forced focus on downloads to fill out a console whos memory cards cost about 50 quid for 32gig damn near killed it but what really hammered the last coffin nails in was sonys lack of interest in their own creation, even after making a home console version their attention once again wondered off to their newest toy the ps4 and that was the end of that as well.
It seems sony work on a principal first utilised by our knuckle dragging hairy ancestors, watch others throw poo then copy them by throwing lots of poo about to see what sticks and disregard that which doesn't, its not a great business strategy tbh as it relies on the public not getting bored by the time of ps5 and of 3rd party devs not wondering off elsewhere too.
Letter compiled by Googlebot 3.15
I recently spotted this shrek costume in a local fancy dress shop.
Do I win some cheese?
Am I the only one who noticed that the news of Star Focks Zero featuring invincible Arwings just happened to come to light on International Steak And Blowjob Day? When I say "just happened", the implication (via sarcasm) is that this was no coincidence.
Studies have shown that the human capability for piloting a spacejet in combat is drastically impaired during eatings, and from this I can only conclude that Nintendo are widening their inclusivity net to cater for less-involved players.
And why not? I reckon it would be fun to win a star war while drunk off your ass, cracked up, totally exhausted, skyping your mum, filling in forms, filling out forms, watching a movie, or even playing another game entirely! This, friends, is the future of gaming, and I am down with that.
The School Boy.
I only ever wrote to Digi once, and both times my messages were printed. They were sent in the Summer, and they said 'Merry Christmas' - it wasn't even December! Good times. It even made me a minor celebrity when one of my friends (Weasel) saw it on the letters page and phoned me after school to ask me some questions - these ones:
'Hi, Is Andrew there?'
'Yes, who's this?'
'..... ok, just a moment.... ANDREW! PHONE!'
'Yo, was that you on Digitser today?'
'Ha ha, yeah. I only wrote in for a laugh and didn't think it would get shown'
'Cool. See you tomorrow'
I was a superstar, as you can plainly see. Nowthedays I continue to downplay my celeb status by posting under various and varying pseudo-names online, creating hilarious blogs and videos. Would you like to see some of the computer games I have? No? Great, here is a link to them: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGCnWm2FPdY
Those views tho. Good times. When Mr Biffo comes back from his rib trip, I would like to see him make some of those wonderful 'React' videos like the kids do - Mr Biffo Reacts To NX Controller, Mr Biffo Reacts to Wasps, Mr Biffo Reacts To Cyberzone (Craig Charles). Good times?
Don't believe us? Press reveal to see a Digitiser2000 reader's reaction to us posting a new video on our YouTube channel:
I still think Titanfall is the best game on the Xbox One, and I still play it loads. I am probably The Best at it. My friend Matt plays it quite a bit too, but he is considerably less good at it than me, and I was just using this opportunity to lay the cuss on him. You'd think at his age he'd be able to 'step up to the plate' as it were, but no, he's a definite runner-up in trying to be The Best.
You'd think being a grown adult with a job and council tax to pay and stuff I should be concerning myself with things other than which one of me and Matt is better at Titanfall, but nope.
When Titanfall 2 is out I expect a return of the Chips and Teats so I can leverage every possible advantage to remain at the top of the pile. Thanks Biffston!