You might have seen me in such films as James Bond and Indiana Jones. These days, I'm just hanging around in a conservatory, waiting to die, but I've agreed to take some time out of my non-busy schedule to present this very special Halloween ghost pantomime, on my third favourite website - Digitiser2000.
Please be aware that this play is based upon a true story, and contains powerful imagery and situations that you might find psychologically distressing. TENNISCH!
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and tennisch players, Sir Sean Connery presents... The Woman in Brown.
Victorian times, or something. An ordinary man called EGBERT crosses an extraordinary bridge over an unusual swamp, and approaches the curious door of a really scary house.
EGBERT: Knock knock.
Egbert stands at the door for an indeterminable amount of time, waiting for it to be answered. Eventually, he tries knocking on it. It is answered momentarily by a TERRIFIED MAN. He's sweating, trembling, and snapping his fingers.
TERRIFIED MAN: What do you want? What are you doing here? You better not have brought any ghosts with you.
Egbert laughs, good-naturedly, for seventy eight seconds.
TERRIFIED MAN: It wasn't a joke.
EGBERT: I am Egbert Birdington, solicitor. I'm here to sort through the paperwork belonging to the recently deceased owner of this house.
TERRIFIED MAN: You're welcome to try - but I gotta warn ya, Egbert, old buddy... this house is h-h-h-haunted! You know: by ghosts!
EGBERT: Don't be absurd. There's no such thing as ghosts.
TERRIFIED MAN: Well, I ain't sticking around a minute longer to find out whether my conviction (that ghosts are real) is true. I'm outta here!
The terrified man pushes past Egbert, runs at full speed into the swamp, and drowns. Egbert watches impassively while this happens.
EGBERT: Oh no.
Egbert heads inside the house.
Egbert closes the door behind him, and looks around the scary house, stroking his chin. It's really scary with cobwebs and stuff everywhere.
EGBERT (stroking his chin): Hmm. Cobwebs. Flickering candles. One... two... three... four - four coffins full of bbq ribs. Rubber skulls on strings. This is a real scary house - or at least, it would be if I believed in ghosts! I'm the bravest guy on earth!
Egbert approaches a door leading further into the house, passing a plastic gravestone. As he walks in front of it, he triggers a sensor, making a plastic Frankenstein head pop up from behind it, and shout: "FRANKENSTEIN!"
Egbert screams, and starts headbutting the plastic gravestone to pieces.
EGBERT: Arrrrrrrgh! ARRRRRRGH! F@ck!!!!!!! F@ck OFF!!!! F@ck's sake!!!!!
Eventually, Egbert calms down, taking deep breaths.
EGBERT: Get a grip of yourself, man. It's just a plastic novelty. There's no such thing as ghosts, remember? There's no such thing as ghosts... no such thing... no such... no...
Egbert continues to repeat this to himself, as he slithers on his stomach into the adjoining room.
EGBERT: Ssss! I'm a snake! Ha ha. I'm Egbert the human snake! Sssssss! Ha ha. Ha ha ha!
Some hours later, and Egbert is sat at a desk, working through a mountain of papers, by candlelight.
EGBERT: There's no such thing as ghosts... no such... thing as... thing... tings... ding... ding-ding! Next please. Tickets please! Ha ha. I'm a bus conductor. All aboard!
Suddenly, a BIG GHOST flies into the room, and starts scaring Egbert.
GHOST: Whooh! I haunt you!
Egbert loses his mind, and starts throwing things at the ghost, while cowering beneath the desk.
EGBERT: Arrrgh! A ghost! A big f@cking ghost! It's the scariest thing around!
Egbert tries to shoo the ghost.
EGBERT: Go away! Go away! Just f@ck off will you!!!?
Egbert rolls up a magazine, and chases the ghost around the room, trying to swat at it.
EGBERT: Stop scaring me! It's really frightening!
The ghost flies out of the window. Egbert breathes a sigh of relief, and eats the rolled-up magazine.
EGBERT: Phew. It's gone. It must've been a figment of my imagination. Never mind.
Egbert arches his back so far that he touches the floor behind him.
EGBERT: Well anyway, that's enough paperwork for one evening. I'd best get to bed. Yawwwwwn!
Egbert is in bed, checking his emails and eating a cake.
EGBERT: Hmm. What should I dream about tonight, I wonder?
Suddenly, FOUR SMALL GHOSTS run into the room, and begin whooping and scaring Egbert.
FOUR SMALL GHOSTS: Hee-haw! We haunt you! Whoop-whoop!
EGBERT: F@ck no!!!! Leave me alone!!! Just f@ck off will you?!
In his terrified state, Egbert soils himself and the bed, plus the wardrobe and the dresser, and behind the curtains.
EGBERT: This is the worst night's sleep I've ever f@cking had! It's even worse than that night I tried to sleep while running a steeplechase in a f@cking hurricane.
Egbert starts lashing out at the ghosts with his fists and feet.
EGBERT: I'm gonna kick you bee-atches so hard you'll come back to life!
Egbert kicks the ghosts so hard that they become human again. All four are momentarily bewildered for long enough that Egbert is able to wrap them up in his shitty duvet, and push them out of the window.
EGBERT: Well, they've gone. Once again, they must've been a figment of my imagination, and all this diarrhoea everywhere must be because I've got an upset stomach. I suppose I'd better go and have a bath to wash most of it off.
Egbert is having a lovely bath.
EGBERT: Mmm. I love having a bath. It's the only way I'm guaranteed to get my crack as clean as a whistle!
Suddenly, a FAT GHOST wobbles into the room, and starts waggling its fingers at Egbert. Egbert is frozen with fear, and closes his eyes tight. He squeezes them so tightly that he does a massive blow-off in the water, turning it into a frothing jacuzzi.
FAT GHOST: Egbert... Egbert... open your eyes.
EGBERT: You're not f#@cking real! I'm not doing anything you tell me to do!
FAT GHOST: I've got something you will want to see, Egbert.
EGBERT: Is it a unicorn wearing a snood?
FAT GHOST: No.
EGBERT: Then I don't want to see it. It won't be anything anyway, because you're not even real, man.
FAT GHOST: I am real, Egbert. I'm a real ghost, and there's something important I need to share with you. Do you want to know what it is?
EGBERT: Not really. I don't know how to make that any more clear.
FAT GHOST: Open your eyes, Egbert. Look at meee... look at meeeeeeee....
Reluctantly, Egbert opens his eyes - to be confronted by his entire family, and all his friends... and the bathroom has been decorated with balloons and streamers, and a "Happy birthday" banner.
EGBERT'S FRIENDS AND FAMILY: Happy birthday!
Egbert laughs and cries.
EGBERT: Woweeee! You did all this for me?!
FAT GHOST: That's right, Egbert. It's your birthday, and we organised a surprise party for you. And I am your father.
EGBERT: But my father is dead. He choked to death four weeks ago, when he tried to eat a sandwich without taking it out of the sandwich bag.
FAT GHOST: That's right, Egbert... your father is dead. Think about it. What can this mean?
EGBERT: You're a liar?
FAT GHOST: Not exactly.
EGBERT: Am I a liar?
FAT GHOST: I wouldn't know.
EGBERT: Hmm. Can I have a clue?
FAT GHOST: No. Just think about it.
EGBERT: I dunno. I'm trying, but I just keep wonderin' if I'm gonna get any presents.
FAT GHOST: Fine. Here's one clue: everyone else here is a ghost as well.
EGBERT: Hmmm. Hmmm. So you're a ghost?
FAT GHOST: Yes.
EGBERT: And you're my father?
FAT GHOST: Yes.
EGBERT: And everyone else is ghosts too?
FAT GHOST: That's right.
EGBERT: Is my mum a ghost?
FAT GHOST: No.
EGBERT: Is your mum a ghost?
FAT GHOST: That isn't relevant.
EGBERT: Is your dad a ghost?
FAT GHOST: Again - not relevant.
EGBERT: Is the bath a ghost?
FAT GHOST: Don't be stupid. Just think.
EGBERT: Nah. Nah, mate. I dunno. Can't you just tell me? My water's getting cold, and I want to go back to bed.
The Fat Ghost sighs, and rips down the "HAPPY BIRTHDAY EGBERT" banner, to reveal another banner beneath reading "WELCOME TO HELL!"
Egbert screams, and farts so hard that all the water is blown out of his bath.