THE DIGITISER2000 FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

I'm going to apologise again for Digitiser2000 being lighter on content over the last couple of weeks than you're used to. It's just me butting up against the number of hours in the day and my own energy levels. Turns out both these things are finite. Who'd have known? 

In the interests of full disclosure... it's likely to be this way for at least another month, while Found Footage gets finished. I promise it'll return to normal service afterwards, however. I just panic that I'm slacking, but as my other half continually reminds me... I'm doing as much on here as I've promised to on Patreon, and I probably shouldn't work myself to death.

I am, however, considering changing the wording and focus of Patreon slightly, so that it's more about supporting my work as a whole rather than just one aspect... But if I do, please don't read that as me de-focusing on Digi. It's more for my peace of mind, so that in these instances where I really need the mind space to focus on something else for a bit, I don't become riddled with guilt that I'm letting you all down.

​Right. That's enough from Biffo's Anxiety Banquet for one week. If you would like to appear on next week's letters page, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone - please send your emails for next week to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com

BIN AND OUT
I have noticed by the content of the bin in which I am sleeping that Easter is coming. Is it true that Easter eggs contain the trapped souls of Easter bunnies which wait to be freed, only to be devoured by small children?
A Passing Drunk

No. Press reveal to see what Easter eggs really contain.

REVEAL:

DS, I LOVE YOU
Do you have any strong opinions on the 3DS? I cant remember you writing much about it on Digi?
Bill Bryson

Maybe I'll save my broader feelings for a feature, but it always felt to me that the 3DS was a bit gimmicky. The 3D was a cool effect an ting, but it wasn't like it ever really impacted the gameplay. It was more a marketing tool than something that felt integral to the machine like - say - the DS's touch screen. There were some great games on there, but nothing that couldn't - and, indeed, didn't - work on the 2DS. 

I guess it's the flipside of Nintendo's approach; when its hardware really can offer new ways to play... awesome. But on the other hand... when a feature isn't utilised, it does risk its machines feeling a bit stunt-y.

EGG-STREAM SPURTS
What is your opinion of game streaming services, such as PlayStation Now? I alternate between thinking that they are the future and believing that the increase in game size/complexity will hold them back, due to internet speeds, for the foreseeable future.

Are you still playing No Man's Sky? The recent updates will still not live up to some players' expectations but I think that if it had been released in this state, that game would have been received much more warmly.

There are many games that didn't meet commercial expectations but I really think that Primal, originally on PS2, could become an excellent series on modern consoles. It had interesting worlds, surprisingly good voice acting and I admired how they tried to make 4 styles in one game. Not sure if anyone else will remember it, but worth playing even now.
John Whyte

Hmm. I've never tried to stream a game, because I'm pretty certain my godawful broadband wouldn't be able to cope. I've got my consoles set up in my back room, which is as far away from the router as it's possible to get, and even downloading a game takes about a week. Hence: NO OPINION.

I stopped playing No Man's Sky in all honesty. I wouldn't say I'll never go back to it - I was quite happy with it in its original state - but it's just that time commitment. I think if there hadn't been the hype, it would've remained what it was intended to be: an amazing little indie game, which gained a huge cult following. It really didn't deserve the grief it got.

Primal I barely remembered... and then I looked it up and remembered seeing a really early version of it on a visit to Sony's Cambridge studios, when it wasn't called Primal, and was running on unfinished hardware. I recall being impressed... but disappointed with the end product. It had looked much, much better in tech demo form. Sorry, Johnno.

GLYN'S SONG
It's 40 shillings for a drum
Of implants to augment your bum
They'll open you up and stitch away
Swallow the pills and it'll be okay.

Ignore the waste and ignore the pain
They chemically adjust your brain
It's a fallacy that you're blood turns grey.
Swallow the pills and it'll be okay

Eggs lubricated with slime
You'll soon be laying all the time
In fields and yards and grass and hay
Swallow the pills and it'll be okay

Don't concern yourself with the rejection rate
Or how long they take to gestate
A brand new oviduct can be yours today!
Swallow the pills and it'll be okay

You'll soon be spawning like a carp
Over a brand new birthing tarp.
Order now without delay
Swallow the pills and it'll be okay.
Glyn Heaviside

It's the new Michael Rosen!

EGGS-HUME
Is Easter Bernard still going to lay eggs in all homes in the West? I worry about the sacrilegious effects on poor Bernard from the new romantic christians who tried to conquer our rich paganesque chocolate celebration. 

And, if he is going to lay so many eggs, will he get a sore rear end? Does the Easter Bunny help and lay eggs too, in support of his ideology? Does the Easter Bunny help in some other way?
Geeky Girl @1waytofindout

Easter Bernard has evolved into his second form, and he is now gravid. Press reveal to see this.

REVEAL:

GEAR TO GEAR
What's the best Game Gear game?
Rosemary Fitzroy

Oh good heck. I don't know. I actually don't remember playing much on the Game Gear, so I'm assuming I must've given it to one of the other Digi boys to do the GG reviews. The Sonic Games were pretty good though weren't they? Acceptable anyway. Sort of...

​The Game Gear was rubbish. They should've called it the "Pooslab 4,000".

EASTER ISLAND
Being Easter and all, who do you think would win in a fight, the Easter Bunny or Jesus on the Cross?

Also, if you were to design an Easter themed video game, what would it be?
Paul Weller

I think that very much depends on a number of factors:

1) Is Jesus upright, or has the Cross been laid horizontally? If it's the latter, the Bunny might just be able to gnaw through his torso.
2) Does Jesus have magic powers? Like, could he turn the Easter Bunny into a potato, just using his mind?

​There's not enough here to really go on. Why don't you put additional information in a song with your friends from "The Style Council", Wellard?

The Easter game I would design would be an Easter game whereby you have to put eggs back up the hen holes.

CONTRARING TO GO
Call me a contrarian, but in spite of the critics, I decided to give Breath of the Wild a go. It's good, isn't it? I think I can pin down the moment when I realised just how good it is. I was in Kakariko Village, looking for a chicken. The last chicken of ten. And I couldn't find it.

And the weird thing I noticed was that, even after quite a lot of time spent looking, this wasn't remotely annoying. Indeed, I was actually enjoying not finding the chicken. That was when I realised: "Of course! This is a tenth chicken game!" I'd forgotten they existed. 

What do I mean? In Breath of the Wild, Nintendo has created a (forgive the cliché) world which is an utter joy to spend time in, regardless of the task at hand. Kakariko Village gave me lots to see and do. And listen to.

I was nearly tempted to just close my ears and listen to the sounds of the village, and its lovely music. It's an alien feeling in modern gaming - at least to me, and in the mainstream. A feeling only the highest points of the Mass Effect and Assassin's Creed series can tickle the ankles of. 

I have to think much farther back for anything that's truly comparable. TIE Fighter, maybe? I remember loving the boring introductory parts of the early missions: examining cargo, escorting a shuttle — this was all at least as much fun as the fighting.

If that had been the whole game — a jobbing space pilot simulator — I'd have played the whole thing. Even the menu screens held a certain appeal. Other than that, I'm struggling — but I'm curious to hear if you, Mr. Biffo, or your readers, can think of any Tenth Chicken games from days gone by.

Goodbye now.
James Holloway

If I understand you correctly... the Tenth Chicken games I've really enjoyed are the Crackdown games. Massively underrated - but the collecting of the energy orbs, or whatever they were, was hugely enjoyable due to the way your character would gradually accrue superhuman abilities. It made navigating the city incredibly liberating and empowering.

PISS-THEFT-FEAR
I never wrote in to Digitiser back in the day, I was far too scared of having the piss taken out of me. I'm a little older now, and as such, my testes are a little bigger. Also, you've lead us to believe that not many of us read the letters page (I know I hardly ever do! :D ) so i thought I'd give it a punt.

I've been playing Zelda "The Game to End All Games" Breath of the Wild A LOT recently, and I'm hurtling towards the final confrontation. I've found myself putting off the final battle... I'm kinda reluctant to finish the game and think I'll be "gutted" when I finally do.

Talking to a friend recently I likened it to being at uni, having finished all your exams and your friends are leaving one by one to go back to their home towns and you're trying to put off the inevitable.

I'm just not really sure where to go next (in games terms). It'll probably be the new Mass Effect and all its reported po faced averageness. I loved the previous three but I'm not sure how they'd compare to Zelda BOTW and I've a feeling the new one will be a massive let down compared to it.

Have you started it yet? Are you going to review it?
Kingsturg

PS. BTW I'm the random guy who offered to buy your spare Bomberman copy off of you for £25 :)

Have I started what? Mass Effect Andromeda? No. It's sat under my telly. Between the day job, Digi and Found Footage... there's just no time to take on another big open world game at the minute. It does make me wonder how this can possibly be good for business, if every publisher is releasing games which take months to complete. But then... I'm not a businessman. As my accountant would attest.

BANNED
Not really about games or anything but I have recently joined a band and nobody can think of a good name for us. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated and would make us the second coolest band in the area after the Milli Vanilli tribute act.
Tristain Violence

Here's a suggestion: reimagine yourselves as a rival Milli Vanilli tribute act, and start an interbank tribute act war. Suggested names: Willi Vanilli, Milli Manwilli, Manwilly Silly, Silli Vanbillies, Frilly Abiliti, Sturdi Bigwillly... and so on.
​

NAILED IT
Nailing yourself to something: a game the whole family should be join in with. All the best
Paul

Do you remember when Dominik Diamond did that Channel 5 documentary where he was going to be crucified, and then got too scared to do it? That was a bit weird, wasn't it? He moved to Canada after that. But then... you would wouldn't you? They don't crucify anybody in Canada. It's mainly just mooses. 

CoD AND CHIPS
I really enjoyed your article about Call of Duty being turned into a "cinematic universe" and share your pessimism. Possibly because the only thing I've ever really liked about those games is the late Joel Goldsmith's fantastic music for the third one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLJWTdOXpKU I do hope we'll get to hear about your depressing adventures in Hollywood in greater detail when you write your next book!

As you have no intention of following that career path you can be thoroughly indiscreet without fear of damaging your future opportunities...

You asked a valid question in that piece and the excellent video which accompanied it: why are movies considered the pinnacle of entertainment and the ultimate aspirational goal for creatives? There are a few reasons, I think, and it's not just a view shared by shallow egotists seduced by the 'glamour' of showbusiness, in pursuit of fame, status and power.

Part of cinema's enduring allure and importance in the public consciousness is perhaps simply because unlike TV and videogames, films have been around since the nineteenth century and there are no living people left who can remember a time before they existed. All subsequent visual media/entertainment in some way sprang forth from motion-pictures' loins. There is no television without cinema.

There's also something about cinema requiring us to travel to a special venue and share a communal experience with a group of strangers that has an impact too. With images filling every inch of your peripheral vision on a massive screen, those figures are literally larger than life, which is why so many of us over the generations idolise and idealise movie stars and the filmmakers who create the worlds they inhabit.

Perhaps they don't deserve our adulation, but as a lifelong film fan I confess that I still get a tingle when visiting even the most antiseptic modern multiplex. (I still get goosebumps whenever I hear that iconic Alfred Newman Fox fanfare too.) It's a feeling akin, perhaps, to the sensation devout people get when they enter a place of worship. It's in the blood.

The problem with this fixation by game producers - or with films becoming games and games becoming films - is that videogames at their core have as much in common with table tennis or chess as they do with cinema or television. A game does not need to have a great story in order to be a great game.

​They're different artforms, and although there is some crossover, each medium essentially has its own language. There is no harm in creators looking to outside sources for inspiration - that's healthy - but I really don't want movies to feel like videogames and I don't think videogames need to feel anything like films. youtu.be/eLJWTdOXpKU
Matthew Long

I suppose there is an argument to be made that movies are the modern equivalent of the village storytellers of yore. It's not movies themselves that I have any objection to. Like you - I love movies. There IS something special about them. It's more the way certain individuals behind them are elevated above the rest of us. I mean, I feel the same way about politicians, that the people ruling us are more often than not - ironically - the last people who should be ruling us.

Often - not always - but often, that desire for the spotlight, or power, or respect, or adulation, is driven by something a bit broken and wrong; you have to be a bit broken and wrong to be able to tolerate those industries and careers and stay in them.

Unfortunately, we've evolved society to a point where instead of casting out these people to be eaten by tigers we kowtow to them and indulge them and reward them.

FRIDAY LETTERS LETTER
Thanks as always, for providing me with weekly laughs. I extend thanks also to your wonderful readers, whose inane ramblings have added to this hilarity.

Of particular delight were the letter about turning the TV upside down when playing the Switch milking game, and the discussion regarding the elaborate arrangement of swans, shopping trolleys, and fireworks. I read both of those in the office, sat between two colleagues, trying to suppress my laughter, violently shuddering.

​One of them looked at me, concerned, probably thinking was having a seizure, but I continued to stare at my screen, not returning their gaze. They probably thought I was even odder than if I were to explain precisely what I was laughing at. Have you ever been in that sort of situation before?

Here's another couple of questions, Daddio. I know you were a big fan of 2000 AD, and nearly got to drawing a Judge Dredd strip. What's your favourite Dredd story/arc? And what do you think of the (albeit limited number of) Dredd games? I've only played the platformer on Megadrive and the Dredd Versus Death FPS - I'm not sure if there are other titles.
Stuart Lindsay

There has never really been a good Dredd game has there? The platformer was probably the closest the character ever got to having a half-playable game. It's long overdue. For me, though, the key to Dredd is the humour. Even in its bleakest, most grown-up, stories there's still that quirkiness to Mega City One.

My favourite Dredd stories are probably Apocalypse War, America, and Midnight Surfer - the latter as much for Cam Kennedy's art as anything. I loved how he drew the city.

STANG-K
I wonder if your keen eyed readers can spot all the mustangs on this toy box.
Paul

Is the wrong thing that the box is mostly pink and that's a boy's toy?

GAMING MILL'S LETTER
I've been out (mostly) all week doing 'things'. My phone beeps when I get a message or a comment directed towards me on Facebook. Oddly, it doesn't do that for Twitter but that's probably because I'm quite inept. Anyway, the amount of people that have been asking me "Are you okay?" or "Where are you?" etc. was quite nice.

I wasn't quite so nice with my replies though. Well, I was, but I don't think they quite 'got' what I meant by my replies as all I was trying to do was be humourous. One person asked me;

 "Where have you been?" 

My reply?

 "I've been having regular sex with a 74 year old."

"REALLY" she asked - I've chatted with her before and she tends to believe anything.

"Nah, course not...she was 75."

She hasn't contacted me since (NOT the 74 / 75 year old. That was just a lie forward slash joke but the Facebook story wasn't).

That reminds me of something that happened in Burton on Trent once by the bins at the back of Argos. We were in the throes of passion when she suddenly blurted out "Oh Len, it feels so good!"

LEN?!

I've never even met a Len.

I am still unfit and strong and that is all.
Gaming Mill

Oh no.

MR PSB'S LETTER
I'm already shaking from taking a break, wondered where Ross Kemp had gotten it wrong? Maybe Hitler changed the wifi model can now.  It could be a very similar love story to Galahad

I have to start a proper blog called Tedious about trains. ADVERTS PLAY FLAWLESSLY, NOW IT'S THE END OF EVERYTHING. Oh aye, I'm extremely attractive too, but it's so clearly not very subtle ads. TIGHT ARSE BALLS. And I repeat:  I like to watch somewhere give it a thriller set in the 2010 general election arguing over things that went moo.

Magnets are definitely getting more confident, they just went down, anyway.  REMEMBER WHEN THERE WEREN'T ANY TO TURN OFF IN A POUND SHOP POO PAPER.

Take care of each game, so I don't post it then and everyone is using wired connection, also have a choice.  Are you going to bother returning the favour sat inside my flat might be.  Ah of course, silly me.

I read it properly it'll be the studio employees who actually matter to FIFA, the sponsors, start asking for it by having to go some way to make a one off, I'm sure the panties look ok.
​
Aw man sour faced woman in it just feels like FOREVER.  Lol Pontins, I'd have already told them about Shatner's bassoon though, and I had a kid.

That's it, now.
MRPSB

Well, you got your answer, Mr PSB. We really will print anything. Apart from the one we got last week, which went on about masturbation.

HEY: WATCH THIS, THEN SHOW YOUR FRIENDS FOR THEIR EASTER TREAT!