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THE DIGITISER2000 FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

16/12/2016

30 Comments

 
Ok, kids! Sexy Christmas U.S.A by Sensorium Girlybox is available to buy NOW, on iTunes and Amazon.

Courtesy of my good friend Jon, we'll also have a very limited run (like... 7) of highly collectible one-sided vinyl singles going up on eBay next week - with sleeves hand-customised by me. Each will be a one-off. All proceeds go to Cancer Research UK.

Here are the links you need to buy it now:
  • iTunes
  • Amazon

We'd need around 7,500 - 8,000 sales to get it Top 40. Which is a bit of a stretch, but if you can tell as many people about it as possible... that would be a beautiful thing to behold, and also raise money for a good cause. Spread the word. Spread... SPREAD. 

In other news: Digitiser2000 will be entering into something of a Christmas schedule for the next couple of weeks. There'll be slightly fewer updates, but there'll be some end-of-year-type goodness - including the traditional Christmas Pant-Oh, and The Man's Daddy's Christmas Cracker jokes - which you'll be able to print out and sneak into your family crackers. So to speak.

I should probably take some time off, as - courtesy of an absolutely horrible endoscopy the other night - I've just found out that the stress of October's Digifest/Block Party gave me erosive gastritis. The last thing I want for Christmas is a stomach ulcer, probably...!

So, this will be the last Friday Letters Page of 2016 - but it'd be nice to depart this horrible year on something of an optimistic note. Therefore, we'll be having one further letters page before New Year, featuring all the best things that happened to you over the last 12 months.

Send your upbeat memories and messages to here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
S'KETCHUP
​When you're coming up with comedy sketches and characters, do you ever get a feeling for which ones will catch on and get quoted by everyone? For instance, did you think you'd end up releasing Sexy Christmas as a single and have people waiting to buy it?

Was there ever a sketch, catchphrase, or character that you were *sure* that would happen to, but didn't?

What thing that people latched on to was the biggest surprise for you?

Sorry this hasn't been about video games. Here's a video game related statement to keep you happy: The Amiga CD32 looked like a coffin for R2D2.
Nicola Jelly Bottles
Hummmmmm. Good question. I'm pretty sure I never have an inkling of what'll be popular. Goujon John was far and away the most popular of the spoof teletext ads I did this year, even before he made the jump over to the live action Found Footage stuff.

I hadn't expected it. I knew he was good, but my tastes don't always gel with everyone else's. I mean, Swan Paint is probably my favourite thing in the Found Footage Digifest pilot, but nobody else gave a cranston about it. Maybe it's the terrible performance, video quality and sound. I dunno. I thought all those were positives.

Anyhow, there's one sequence in Ep 1 of the Found Footage series - which you'll all see next spring - that I had a feeling would go down well. It's not quite like anything I've done before... and true enough, when I showed rough footage to the show's producer-level backers for feedback, they all picked it out as the highlight. So, I guess I must have some idea after all. At the same time, I was nervous, because it was so different, so perhaps I don't trust my own instincts.

Unfortunately, it isn't as easy to produce those ideas on demand. Doing funnies - or the way I do funnies at least - is sort of instinctive. There's a degree of conscious thinking, but much of it is about switching off and letting it flow. Hope that doesn't sound too wanky.

​But no... never thought Mr T, or Zombie Dave, or any of the other big Digi characters would ever catch on. 
​ND WITH ATTITUDE
Not sure this qualifies for the Digitiser2000 letter page. In fact it probably shouldn’t, on pain of NDA. 

I really have Digitiser to thank for bringing me back to gaming circa 1999 after drifting away from it as a teenager - and since I ended up making a career of it (working in games, not being a teenager) I’ve always wanted to give a bit of a doff of the cap back. 

I spent a lot of years squeezing the German language content into Grand Theft Auto, which didn’t really allow for that sort of thing.

​But more recently I ended up doing the text for a spin-off game, with a worrying lack of supervision on what I was doing to their massive global brand. At which point the temptation was too hard to resist, so I sneaked in the tribute in the attached image. 

Hopefully that’s neither creepy or copyright-infringementy - but if it is, then the joke’s on me, since the game’s being ripped down from the iPhone and Android app stores on the 15th December, due to various silly corporate reasons. So apologies for not managing to big-up Digi in a game which actually got a worldwide release. Maybe next time, eh?
Chris
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It took a little bit of searching to find the tribute in the image (and I've cropped it to hopefully get around any NDA issues)... but when I did, it fair warmed the heart of my cockle.

​Cheers, Chris! And good luck with future endeavours. 

But wait... I've not finished! You win this weeks STAR PRIZE!!!

Digitiser2000 reader Bunty McSad-Pants has been at her craft table once more, and created a beautiful pair of custom 'Totally Turts & Phants' underwear - which can be yours if you send me your address.

Unfortunately, I can't guarantee she hasn't worn them.

MR ROBOTO
​I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you and your other reader a Very Happy Christmas, or something similar.

I hope this video conveys the sincerity of this festive greeting, as well as being symbolic of the kind of Christmas I hope you will all enjoy.

https://youtu.be/Encxc_fr9uc

All the best.
Paul
Satanic animatronic Christimas decorations seem to be a bit of a theme this year. Yours is about the fourth one I've been sent. Keep them coming.
DEPRESSING
When I was a younger man I believe I may have felt feelings more forcefully than I do now. I’m starting to think the strength of those emotions may have been born from them being more singular and less complicated.

Happiness was a joyous scream and not a knowing cynical smirk; laughs almost always out loud. Sadness as a child was an all-encompassing power, making the most trivial of disappointments eclipsing in their grief. And as for the onset of lust during puberty? Heaven knows we could stuff your letters pages from now until forever’s end with the single-mindedness of those stirrings...

And now? Now the strongest of emotions seem conflicted; each happiness is tempered by wariness in knowing we love something more for the calamity of fearing its loss.

Sadness is still an acquaintance, but is often pushed backstage so that we are allowed to maintain our roles and our jobs and our relationships, though it still seeps through the cracks of our performance, stress and depression making us miss expected cues or stumble in front of the audience. And thankfully, for most of us, the searing of lust and of want absolute are balanced by respect and forethought for consequence, without completely quenching desire’s fire.

Is our emotional viscosity diluted through experience? Is our sheerness shortened by our age lengthening? Are the first surges of urges just tools which at first are unwieldy, but that we learn to better handle? A great and impressive narrative the first time around, but we now know what’s coming at the end of every story, every genre?

Or do I now simply lead a less remarkable life?
​Marc Booth
Yeah. Merry Christmas to you too. Everyone but Marc can press reveal to cheer themselves up after that festival of misery.
REVEAL:
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WHICH GAME IS IT???
If you were to make a game what kind of game would it be? Which genre would it sit in, or would it be an amalagamation of different genres? I know that you wrote the storyline for Future Tactics and weren't that happy with how the game eventually turned out.

​I think a Turner the Worm point and click adventure game would be something that people would want to play. How about it?
Paul
Hunh? I thought Future Tactics turned out great! This only issue I might've had was with its cut-scenes, just because I'd hoped to have the story included in the game, via mid-mission dialogue - Uncharted-style. But... in all honesty, that was too ambitious an idea for the budget and time they had. And might've been ahead of its time. Genuinely great game though.

If I could make a game myself... it'd probably have to be an FPS. Or a side-scrolling platformer. 
BEAR SKILLS
​To whom it may concern:

I am an Alaska-based researcher and writer of a book about the cultural history of the polar bear and came across your humorous polar bear card (on your main webpage).

I was wondering if you have a high-resolution scan of this card on file that you could share with me. I am still looking for images for a German edition of this book and would naturally credit you as the image source. Also, do you have a date for this card, and is it from the US?

I'd really appreciate your help with this.

Best,
Michael Engelhard
(in Fairbanks)
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Michael, bless you... but I think you might've misunderstood the sort of site this is.

The notion that I'd have a high-resolution scan of anything "on file" is faintly hiliarious.

Try Google Images, which is probably where I stole it from in the first place. 

Now press reveal to read a funny joke about your name:

REVEAL:
QUESTION: Please, who is your favourite singer?
ANSWER: Engelhard Harderdinck.
WHYTE CHRISTMAS
There have been several articles in the press about the disappointing sales of many sequels this year e.g. Mirror's Edge 2, Watch Dogs 2, Titanfall 2 etc.

​While I do not claim to know the reason, I feel that a contributing factor is that most of the year's sales disappointments were sequels to underwhelming games. Watch Dogs in particular was sold as a generation-defining game, but was only 'good.' why do you think this has happened?

Rob Hubbard recently received an honorary doctorate for his career in games music - who do you think is worthy of a similar honour? I'd suggest somebody like Tim Wright, but I am biased because of WipEout.

What do you think is the best Christmas-themed game ever?
John Whyte
I think you might be right about your first point, Brown. Though I'd argue that Mirror's Edge was a far better game than its sequel, which was hobbled by its open world map. It lost the focus of the original. Watch Dogs 2 and Titanfall 2 both deserve to do better, though.

Your second question: I honestly don't have much of a clue when it comes to in-game music. Which is a bit sad really, given that there are lots of talented music people out there. Well... probably. I mean, we've already established I don't have a clue.

Best Christmas-themed game ev-ar? James Pond 2: Operation Robocod. Hands down. 
WALLA WALLA UNH
I used to live in a village (many years ago) about five miles from Stratford upon Avon. There were wild wallabies there (tiny kangaroos, so to speak). No-one knew how they made it over here, but they were an active, breeding colony and were left to themselves.

One of our cats, a super-giant Siamese tom called Charis, was heard wailing from across a field from our house. Me and my mum recognised his ‘roar’ and went out to see what was going on; he was clamped onto the back of one of the wallabies, and he was determined to bring it down.

The wallaby was considerably larger than he was, and was doing its best to defend itself but Charis wasn’t giving up. 

The struggle only ended when my mum ran into the field, shouted at him 'like only a mum does', and he let go, covered in wallaby blood, and - as it turned out - missing two teeth. The wallaby jumped over a ditch and through some hedges. I sort of wanted to see if my feline friend would have succeeded and, if he did, I wondered what he would have done once he killed it. I’m pretty sure he would have won. My mum had him neutered not long after that. Charis was never the same.

That being said, I was going to tell you about my memories of whatever this year is, but seeing as I can only remember things that are only worthy of no-one then I won't begin to try.

​Oh, I did go to the dentist in May (it might have been April...or March for that matter) for a check-up. Still not ever had a filling. Poor Charis lost two teeth just pretending to be a tiger.

I am fit and strong and that is all.
Gaming Mill
I'd have put this down to the ravings of a damaged man, were it not for the fact it reminded me of an amusing story told to me by my monster hunting friends at the Centre for Fortean Zoology. They were called to the sighting of a "giant, monster, rabbit", only for the rabbit to turn out to be a wallaby.

Which in turn reminds me of the "Big Cat Weekend" they ran at a zoo in Devon, which they used to co-own. It was two days worth of talks about UK big cat sightings. I took my daughters with me, who got to be zookeepers for a couple of days - and had to deal with the amorous attentions of a gibbon who would press his genitals against the bars of his cage whenever they, or another female, walked past (while turning his back whenever a man came within his eyeline).

Also, I met a man who claimed to have been the "real drummer" on the Bay City Rollers' single Bye Bye Baby. And then we had a talk by somebody who had taken photos of a panther he'd seen walking along the railway tracks behind his house, but had forgotten to bring the photos with him. 
ROGUE TROOPER
I can sympathise with your 'Not a Review' of Rogue One as I must confess I've had reservations about it since it was first announced. When the intended tone was described by the filmmakers and greeted warmly by many internet commenters with reactions along the lines of "long overdue - when the series is called Star WARS, they owe us a gritty war movie" I thought, why?

This unease was compounded by the first trailer, which featured the lead character's crimes being listed, amongst them 'aggravated assault'. A simple expression, but it stuck out like a sore thumb. I couldn't help thinking that that feels less like a line from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, and more like one from an episode of The Bill. I'd only seen a couple of minutes of the film and it already felt very wrong to me.

I think the problem is much like the one facing modern comic book movies, where hardcore fans are basically embarrassed and chippy about still caring deeply for something from their childhood, so they demand 'gritty, realistic' adaptations of their favourite funny books so they can more easily justify their passion to detractors ("See? It's serious and mature!").

Pandering to angsty teens and middle-aged fans with some sort of complex is a mistake; anyone who thinks they are owed a gritty, glum and violent Star Wars film has clearly forgotten that this franchise was created for a family audience, that George Lucas wanted to give a new generation of children something optimistic and hopeful to inspire them in the cynical seventies.

There's nothing wrong with still loving something from your youth, so long as the thing you're hanging onto is the childlike sense of wonder it imbues. But that's a quality that the most vocal fans reject, tired of what appears silly or childish to them, and if you disagree you'll be shouted down. Much of what has followed since the original trilogy seems like grandiose fan-fiction to me, and I say this as someone who feels Star Wars changed his life and has shaped his imagination throughout the subsequent years.
Matthew Long
Oddly, I woke up this morning feeling a bit more positive about Rogue One. The final battle is much better than the one in The Force Awakens. But at the same time, we watched a bit of The Force Awakens last night, and I still enjoyed it more. It's just so much more likeable. I dunno. 

I do really need to see it again. I felt a bit overwhelmed by the sheer surrealness of seeing all that old school Star Wars stuff.

OBD KENOBI
So I wanted to wish you lots of luck on your life!

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Our goal is better to plan implies more guests and it comes about more deals. 

Please revert with confirmation to send more information and work samples.

Wishing success,,,,, 
Ankita
Online Business Developer.
New Delhi, INDIA
Thanks for that lovely Christmas message, Ankita! A very Merry Christmas to you. Now press reveal to find out where you can stick your offer.
REVEAL:
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30 Comments
Oliver Wright
16/12/2016 11:35:24 am

Consider the single bought. Good luck with your quest for the top 40!

Reply
Chris
16/12/2016 11:50:20 am

Enjoyed the Swan Paint guy, one of my favourite bits of the pilot.

I think the Snakes could work in a side-scrolling platformer. There are two of them, so they can help each other through the level. They can coil up into springs to reach high-up platforms. They can cuss enemies who get in their way. Definitely a game in there somewhere.

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Paul
16/12/2016 12:33:18 pm

The Snakes would work as an excellent MacBook Pro touch bar application thing. That is is Apple would let you do that kind of thing.

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Textural ape
16/12/2016 01:56:15 pm

I second the cuss-em-up (beat-me-do?) featuring the lovely snakes

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BIG C
16/12/2016 12:12:59 pm

Sideways scrolling a la Mario Run!

I'd help fund it, buy it and the inevitable Christmas charity single!

Do it, guy!

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BIGGER C
16/12/2016 12:20:32 pm

- Goujon John's Delicious Goujon Delivery Game -
Like Paperboy but with Goujon Deliveries.

I'd buy that even if it was bad AND dry!

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Ryan Carson - Refresh Games link
16/12/2016 08:16:33 pm

Must...resist...starting offf...making...another...game.....gnnnrrrggghhhh...

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Gaming Mill link
16/12/2016 12:27:58 pm

Here's a high-res version of that polar bear photo for Michael Engelhard
(in Fairbanks): http://s1253.photobucket.com/user/Gaming_Mill/media/Polar%20bear_zps4pmunp2g.jpg.html

Reply
Wexford Cheddar
16/12/2016 01:18:58 pm

Amusing anecdotes about the wandering beasts. There's a wildlife park near my parents house, and every now and then some animals escape, so now the local countryside has storks and muntjacs

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RichardM
16/12/2016 01:25:29 pm

Got me some Girlybox. I hope it is Christmas number one and Mr B ends up on the One Show or something, and has to explain himself.

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MichardR
16/12/2016 02:03:04 pm

hahaha, the idea of that inspired me to purchase

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Mr Biffo
16/12/2016 02:05:27 pm

:-O I'd do it in full costume, of course.

John Veness
16/12/2016 02:32:23 pm

Bought! Is there any way we can see how many copies it has sold?

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John Veness
16/12/2016 02:35:41 pm

Also, I don't know if you can edit the text that appears on Amazon or iTunes, but I don't see any mention that all proceeds go to Cancer Research UK, which might encourage a few more to buy.

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Mr Biffo
16/12/2016 02:48:30 pm

We'll know sales figures on Monday. Frustratingly, changing the text - or putting any text on there - is a deeply frustrating process... I wanted to add it to the cover photo, but that's not allowed, apparently.

Rhys
16/12/2016 06:55:39 pm

I have no idea of the significance of this, but Sensorium Girlybox are apparently number 4 in the Amazon Movers and Shakers (Songs) chart:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/movers-and-shakers/dmusic/digital-music-track/ref=zg_bs_tab_t_bsms

Does this mean Bruno Brookes will play it on Sunday?

Mr Biffo
16/12/2016 09:20:16 pm

I didn't know! That's very exciting...

Kara Van Park
16/12/2016 02:47:36 pm

Sorry I didn't send a letter in this week.

My local Asda had one of those cardboard stands with the hole cut out where the face would be, you know, for photographic opportunities. Well this one was for Despicable Me.

I simply couldn't resist putting my noggin in place of a Minion, but unfortunately I've put on a bit of weight recently and consequentially my head and neck have swelled up with water retention. To make a long story short, the Fire Brigade had to cut me out.

Tragically, a local orphanage burned down while the Fire Services were busy with my predicament and there were a few fatalities, so I've been on the gin to blot out the guilt.

To add insult to injury, I received a bill for the stand that was ruined. Needless to say, I will be counter-suing for the embarrassment and stress suffered while I was stuck, so I'm starting a Fund Me page for my legal fees. I reckon 10 grand will do.

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Georgish Michael
16/12/2016 02:55:26 pm

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll buy Sexy Christmas U.S.A.

Reply
Splash Gordon
16/12/2016 03:06:39 pm

Was Robocod Christmas themed? My memories of it are dominated by Penguin bars

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Dagenham Swish
16/12/2016 03:27:46 pm

Yeah it was. All Santa's toys had gone rogue and you guided the titular poisson through various magical, yet maniacal 2D worlds that ticked all the platforming tropes of yesteryear.

I fucking loved that flying bathtub.

Reply
Splashback Gordon
16/12/2016 04:07:35 pm

Man, I loved it. That was my 'the game my friend owned but I didn't so I had to keep going to his to play it'. My mind was blown by the stretching and grabbing - Sonic couldn't do that!

John Veness
17/12/2016 10:05:36 am

You definitely deserve a break, man!

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Mr Biffo
18/12/2016 09:14:47 am

Cheers, John! Downing tools imminently!

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Harry Medium
18/12/2016 04:19:49 pm

I am currently looking for a friend of mine from my late teens in Rugby - his name was also Matthew Long, please dear Biffo above, could it be the one who wrote in about Star Wars???

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Col
18/12/2016 09:01:55 pm

#40 in the Amazon charts at the moment, just under James Arthur! Great stuff, I might buy another one.

Reply
colincidence link
19/12/2016 05:13:52 pm

I think swan paint's my FAVE!!; it's the bit I linked others to most.

Reply
colincidence link
19/12/2016 05:21:49 pm

Make sure Michael knows how to do a Reverse Image Search - there's a 1000-ish-pixels-wide version of that card available from a Russian site listing funny ol' cards. There are lots more results, and if you dig through each and can read/translate the sources, there might be some useful info on there.

Reply
colincidence link
19/12/2016 05:23:40 pm

Discerning Russian from Greek might help too.
Click my username in this comment for the best Google result for the image, though it does have some artifact.

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colincidence link
19/12/2016 05:28:08 pm

I could alternatively realise it is now Monday and read the preceding comments with some epic Milling.

Reply



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