Astonishingly, I discovered this week that some of my Twitter followers were unaware that Digitiser2000 had a YouTube channel, and that some of them hadn't even seen my Found Footage episodes. You know: despite me harping on about it for the best part of a year, and fretting that I was pushing it too much, and getting on everyone's nerves.
This sorry state of affairs cannot continue. As it stands, we have a paltry 2,043 subscribers on YouTube. If that can get up to 2,100 this weekend I'll release a brand new Found Footage teaser clip.
Spread the word. Subscribe if you haven't already; it's the only way to be certain you won't miss anything in the run-up to the series' full debut this summer.
And now? On with those letters! If you would like to appear on next week's page, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone - please send your emails for next week to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
This sorry state of affairs cannot continue. As it stands, we have a paltry 2,043 subscribers on YouTube. If that can get up to 2,100 this weekend I'll release a brand new Found Footage teaser clip.
Spread the word. Subscribe if you haven't already; it's the only way to be certain you won't miss anything in the run-up to the series' full debut this summer.
And now? On with those letters! If you would like to appear on next week's page, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone - please send your emails for next week to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
THE FIRST LETTER
Deer Digit Tizer. My boiler broke. I think it's the diverter valve. Any ideas? Also, it burns when I pee.
My willy, not the boiler.
Lastly, are stoats and weasels two different animals or are they the same but with different names? Like Ant and Dec.
Love from Graham
P.S. I can hear a humming sound all the time. Can you?
Deer Digit Tizer. My boiler broke. I think it's the diverter valve. Any ideas? Also, it burns when I pee.
My willy, not the boiler.
Lastly, are stoats and weasels two different animals or are they the same but with different names? Like Ant and Dec.
Love from Graham
P.S. I can hear a humming sound all the time. Can you?
Unfortunately, Graham's effort is rather indicative of the general vibe of this week's letters, for some reason. Anyway...
Stoats and weasels are similar, but different. Confusingly, stoats are also known as short-tailed weasels. I learned some stoat facts recently when I attempted to buy a stuffed otter.
Did you know that stuffed otters are quite expensive, in the region of about £200, but you can pick up a stuffed stoat for around £60? I'd convinced myself nobody would be able to tell the difference, and had one of the latter sitting in my eBay trolley for about a week. Unfortunately, I couldn't quite commit - the differences niggled at me, and I really wanted an otter - so I cancelled the order. I'm nothing if not a stickler for accuracy.
Yes. Yes, this was for Found Footage.
Stoats and weasels are similar, but different. Confusingly, stoats are also known as short-tailed weasels. I learned some stoat facts recently when I attempted to buy a stuffed otter.
Did you know that stuffed otters are quite expensive, in the region of about £200, but you can pick up a stuffed stoat for around £60? I'd convinced myself nobody would be able to tell the difference, and had one of the latter sitting in my eBay trolley for about a week. Unfortunately, I couldn't quite commit - the differences niggled at me, and I really wanted an otter - so I cancelled the order. I'm nothing if not a stickler for accuracy.
Yes. Yes, this was for Found Footage.
THE CRY OF WOZNIAK
I went on Facebook today and saw that one of the people on there had shared a video featuring a hairy man who looked strangely familiar. After watching the video for a few seconds I realised it was Steve Wozniak. Wozniak!
He was talking about something but I was too scared to turn the volume on.
Stringfellow Hawke.
I went on Facebook today and saw that one of the people on there had shared a video featuring a hairy man who looked strangely familiar. After watching the video for a few seconds I realised it was Steve Wozniak. Wozniak!
He was talking about something but I was too scared to turn the volume on.
Stringfellow Hawke.
If you don't know what Hawke is talking about - and as stated above there are clearly more of you who don't than I'd realised - watch both this and The Awakening:
FOLLOW THE LINK
Hello! Could you draw me a picture of Link after he's eaten five raw birds thighs?
Dominic
Hello! Could you draw me a picture of Link after he's eaten five raw birds thighs?
Dominic
Fine. Press reveal.
REVEAL:
MR PSB'S LETTER
I am well thank you for asking. Also my internet connection which has been unreliable for for the last three weeks appears to be mended. Anyway that's not what I'm on about today, I read a book recently and quite enjoyed it so I have decided to quit my day job and do books instead. I have included my first one below, and it is based on a pack of lies because those are more interesting than the truth.
MR BIFFO AND THE POO FAIRY BY MRPSB
Once upon a time there was a boy called Mr Biffo. He was a very good boy and hardly ever did poo outside the toilet, only when someone else was in there and he could not hold it in then he took his bottom to the bottom of the garden and emptied it while squatting amongst the daffodils behind a small prickly shrub.
One day when Mr Biffo was doing poo in the garden a magical fairy appeared and said he was the human poo fairy and if Mr Biffo wanted three wishes he could have some, so Mr Biffo said yes I would like three wishes first of all I would like my own toilet so I don't have to do poo on the daffodils and second of all I would like a job being a writer and third of all I would like a computer.
The fairy said I have granted your wishes and as Mr Biffo had finished doing poo he wiped his bottom on a handful of gravel and went inside. When he got inside he saw a new toilet room with his name on the door and it said I am a magic toilet room that only you can see.
Then there was a knock on the door and the postman said hello Mr Biffo I have a letter for you here it looks like it might be a job offer for being a writer and then the postman said also I have a parcel here for you, it feels heavy like a computer. Mr Biffo was so excited he felt like he needed to do another poo again so he went to the magic toilet and took his letter to read like a good boy do.
He sat down and did his poo and opened the letter and it said he had been given a new job as a writer but it was a job writing a stupid teletext page and that was not what he had wanted at all but it was A Start He Supposed so he wiped his bottom and flushed the toilet but oh no it turned out the magic toilet was actually his bed and he had done a big smelly poo on it and some wee as well and the toilet paper in the magic toilet was actually his hand.
Mr Biffo was beginning to think that the wishes all had some kind of inherent flaws to teach him an important lesson about working hard for the things he wanted instead of just being given them but he shrugged and went to open his parcel.
When Mr Biffo opened his parcel there was an Atari ST inside which Mr Biffo thought was brilliant but then he tried to play a game on it and it was like pooing in his bed all over again and Mr Biffo realised he should have asked for an Amiga. Then Mr Biffo woke up in his bed and it had all been a dream except he really had done a poo in the bed. THE END.
I hope you enjoyed this book and I will remember you when I am famous.
MrPSB
I am well thank you for asking. Also my internet connection which has been unreliable for for the last three weeks appears to be mended. Anyway that's not what I'm on about today, I read a book recently and quite enjoyed it so I have decided to quit my day job and do books instead. I have included my first one below, and it is based on a pack of lies because those are more interesting than the truth.
MR BIFFO AND THE POO FAIRY BY MRPSB
Once upon a time there was a boy called Mr Biffo. He was a very good boy and hardly ever did poo outside the toilet, only when someone else was in there and he could not hold it in then he took his bottom to the bottom of the garden and emptied it while squatting amongst the daffodils behind a small prickly shrub.
One day when Mr Biffo was doing poo in the garden a magical fairy appeared and said he was the human poo fairy and if Mr Biffo wanted three wishes he could have some, so Mr Biffo said yes I would like three wishes first of all I would like my own toilet so I don't have to do poo on the daffodils and second of all I would like a job being a writer and third of all I would like a computer.
The fairy said I have granted your wishes and as Mr Biffo had finished doing poo he wiped his bottom on a handful of gravel and went inside. When he got inside he saw a new toilet room with his name on the door and it said I am a magic toilet room that only you can see.
Then there was a knock on the door and the postman said hello Mr Biffo I have a letter for you here it looks like it might be a job offer for being a writer and then the postman said also I have a parcel here for you, it feels heavy like a computer. Mr Biffo was so excited he felt like he needed to do another poo again so he went to the magic toilet and took his letter to read like a good boy do.
He sat down and did his poo and opened the letter and it said he had been given a new job as a writer but it was a job writing a stupid teletext page and that was not what he had wanted at all but it was A Start He Supposed so he wiped his bottom and flushed the toilet but oh no it turned out the magic toilet was actually his bed and he had done a big smelly poo on it and some wee as well and the toilet paper in the magic toilet was actually his hand.
Mr Biffo was beginning to think that the wishes all had some kind of inherent flaws to teach him an important lesson about working hard for the things he wanted instead of just being given them but he shrugged and went to open his parcel.
When Mr Biffo opened his parcel there was an Atari ST inside which Mr Biffo thought was brilliant but then he tried to play a game on it and it was like pooing in his bed all over again and Mr Biffo realised he should have asked for an Amiga. Then Mr Biffo woke up in his bed and it had all been a dream except he really had done a poo in the bed. THE END.
I hope you enjoyed this book and I will remember you when I am famous.
MrPSB
When I saw we had a letter from you I suspected it'd be about poo, but that went beyond anything I could've imagined. We should probably get married.
CREAMY ERIC
 |  |
Saying I loved the Amiga is stretching the reality a bit. Also, Turrican was overrated at the time, a classic example of Amiga owners hanging onto whatever they could get. They were solid shooters, but their sheer ugliness was exposed once Super Turrican was released on the SNES. Who jumps like that, with one knee cocked? Try it. You'll look like an idiot.
TITLE
Uncle Biffo, I was most excited to see that you would be sharing a stage with Dave "Games Animal" Perry at the Retro Revival event at Banks Stadium in Walsall.
Could you use the opportunity to ask him about how Nintendo came to model BotW Link in Climber's Bandana on 90s Dave? It troubles me whenever I see it/him.
Starbuck
Uncle Biffo, I was most excited to see that you would be sharing a stage with Dave "Games Animal" Perry at the Retro Revival event at Banks Stadium in Walsall.
Could you use the opportunity to ask him about how Nintendo came to model BotW Link in Climber's Bandana on 90s Dave? It troubles me whenever I see it/him.
Starbuck
Yes. Of course I'll ask him that. It's happening on the 20th of May if any of you fancy coming along to watch this rather unexpected and unpredictable collision of two 90s games journalism "heavyweights". Also: panels from Rare, Gremlin Graphics and Spectrum Next people, and more free old games than you can fit in your stomach. Tickets and deets here.
Be sure to say hello (to me)!
Be sure to say hello (to me)!
IN SUMMARY
Computer games eh? All beeps and boops and Pac this and Kong that.
I think that pretty much sums that up. Thank you.
Lino
Computer games eh? All beeps and boops and Pac this and Kong that.
I think that pretty much sums that up. Thank you.
Lino
Indeed. That's probably all that needs to be said on the matter.
WHYTE PAPER
1. What has been your favourite games controller over the years and if this is different from what you think the best one was, could you also share that?
2. I am not against DLC in principle; Witcher 3 Blood & Wine was superb and I doubt anyone could complain about the level of content offered for the price. There are obvious downsides like content that 'should' be offered with the game being locked behind paywalls and encouraging cash-ins, but despite this I believe that it has a place. What do you think of DLC and is there anything that you believe is a good example of it?
3. Your list of the best Spectrum games got me thinking about really old games that are still enjoyable today. Many of my old favourites are a real struggle and are hard to go back to but I would nominate Blue Max and Ghostbusters on C64 as two classic games that are still good fun. There are others, I know, but these two really stand out for me.
John Whyte
1. What has been your favourite games controller over the years and if this is different from what you think the best one was, could you also share that?
2. I am not against DLC in principle; Witcher 3 Blood & Wine was superb and I doubt anyone could complain about the level of content offered for the price. There are obvious downsides like content that 'should' be offered with the game being locked behind paywalls and encouraging cash-ins, but despite this I believe that it has a place. What do you think of DLC and is there anything that you believe is a good example of it?
3. Your list of the best Spectrum games got me thinking about really old games that are still enjoyable today. Many of my old favourites are a real struggle and are hard to go back to but I would nominate Blue Max and Ghostbusters on C64 as two classic games that are still good fun. There are others, I know, but these two really stand out for me.
John Whyte
My other half puts the letters onto this page for me. When I started reading them I asked her "Please tell me we got something from John Whyte to offset all this shit". So, thank you, John Whyte. Thank you. I'm not sure it's enough to make up for the rest of the letters, but I consider this letter a brief oasis.
1. I really liked the Xbox 360 controller... and subsequently, the Xbox One controller. The PlayStation 4 controller is alright, but it has taken all these years for them to their pads remotely comfortable and practical.
2. I'm not averse to DLC at all, but I'm with you when it feels like they're holding stuff back that probably should've been in the game. I sort of see it the way I used to see my Star Wars toys as a kid; you didn't get the entire collection all at once.
Getting a new ship or figure would change the games you could play. The stuff I loved getting most were playsets or accessories; one of my absolute favourite things I owned was a Vehicle Maintenance Energizer, which was basically a background prop from Empire Strikes Back. That said, I saw it recently mentioned in a list of Worst Star Wars Toys Ever, so maybe I'm weird.
3. Totally agree. So many old games are an absolute chore to play. Even classics like those from Ultimate are a pain in the crackston. Someone mentioned Soccer Kid to me the other day, and that got me thinking about how much I loved that game. Go seek it out. It's still really good. You kick a ball to kill things!
1. I really liked the Xbox 360 controller... and subsequently, the Xbox One controller. The PlayStation 4 controller is alright, but it has taken all these years for them to their pads remotely comfortable and practical.
2. I'm not averse to DLC at all, but I'm with you when it feels like they're holding stuff back that probably should've been in the game. I sort of see it the way I used to see my Star Wars toys as a kid; you didn't get the entire collection all at once.
Getting a new ship or figure would change the games you could play. The stuff I loved getting most were playsets or accessories; one of my absolute favourite things I owned was a Vehicle Maintenance Energizer, which was basically a background prop from Empire Strikes Back. That said, I saw it recently mentioned in a list of Worst Star Wars Toys Ever, so maybe I'm weird.
3. Totally agree. So many old games are an absolute chore to play. Even classics like those from Ultimate are a pain in the crackston. Someone mentioned Soccer Kid to me the other day, and that got me thinking about how much I loved that game. Go seek it out. It's still really good. You kick a ball to kill things!
GAMING MILL'S LETTER
Over the weekend I was knocked out cold for 30 minutes by a drunk Dutch fella. I'm still suffering from the effects of concussion and I still have a very painful head. I say he knocked me out - he didn't actually knock me out; he just pushed me and I tripped and fell and cracked my head, first on an old-fashioned watering can, then concrete.
I can't remember anything about that day, but enough witnesses saw it and called me to see how I was. I managed to leave my phone at home during my brief stay in hospital. I was bored stiff.
Whilst in hospital a nurse wheeled me down to the WHSmith shop because I was bored, and he didn't think it was safe for me to walk there. He wheeled me to the lift and to the shop, and I noticed he was chuckling. I asked him why. "I couldn't find a proper wheelchair - this is a portable commode". Obviously, the 'lid' was down but it did make me realise why ALL the wheels were tiny.
I went and bought a packet of Refresher sweets (the crunchy ones, not the chewies). Since banging my head I've noticed each colour has its own subtle flavour. I've got ten packets in a drawer in my kitchen - they are my favourite at the moment but they're rubbish to eat in a sandwich.
Back in the hospital my boredom got to such a point that I rented one of those TV things that are over each bed. It wasn't cheap and it was just as bad as watching one of those tiny screens that you get on an airliner. I've not owned a television for over 15 years either, so I didn't understand anything that was going on. Still, that might have been because of the crack to my skull.
I am (still not) fit and strong and that is all.
Gaming Mill.
Over the weekend I was knocked out cold for 30 minutes by a drunk Dutch fella. I'm still suffering from the effects of concussion and I still have a very painful head. I say he knocked me out - he didn't actually knock me out; he just pushed me and I tripped and fell and cracked my head, first on an old-fashioned watering can, then concrete.
I can't remember anything about that day, but enough witnesses saw it and called me to see how I was. I managed to leave my phone at home during my brief stay in hospital. I was bored stiff.
Whilst in hospital a nurse wheeled me down to the WHSmith shop because I was bored, and he didn't think it was safe for me to walk there. He wheeled me to the lift and to the shop, and I noticed he was chuckling. I asked him why. "I couldn't find a proper wheelchair - this is a portable commode". Obviously, the 'lid' was down but it did make me realise why ALL the wheels were tiny.
I went and bought a packet of Refresher sweets (the crunchy ones, not the chewies). Since banging my head I've noticed each colour has its own subtle flavour. I've got ten packets in a drawer in my kitchen - they are my favourite at the moment but they're rubbish to eat in a sandwich.
Back in the hospital my boredom got to such a point that I rented one of those TV things that are over each bed. It wasn't cheap and it was just as bad as watching one of those tiny screens that you get on an airliner. I've not owned a television for over 15 years either, so I didn't understand anything that was going on. Still, that might have been because of the crack to my skull.
I am (still not) fit and strong and that is all.
Gaming Mill.
There you are, everyone. This week's update from the life of Gaming Mill...
TESCO VALUE LETTER
Anthony Lawson MBE
Why?
THE LAST LETTER
Hello. My name is Hildegard Frankfurter. Like most you will want to call me Furtie.
You are probably wondering how I keep myself looking so youthful. I will share my secret with you.
First, take the crushed shells of the aquatic snails and rub into your facial skin. You must rub until you feel nothing. Do not stop at ennui!
Then you must rinse with the cream of mushroom soup. Not THE CREAM OF CHICKEN. I cannot stress this firmly enough. It must be cold. Pour it slowly from above and allow it to cascade down your features. The aroma is so invigorating!
Next you will press your facial area into a deep shag carpet. Chartreuse is of course preferred. Rub your face in the style of the cat into the deep dust traps of the rug.
Now you can be beautiful like Furtie!
xoxox
Hello. My name is Hildegard Frankfurter. Like most you will want to call me Furtie.
You are probably wondering how I keep myself looking so youthful. I will share my secret with you.
First, take the crushed shells of the aquatic snails and rub into your facial skin. You must rub until you feel nothing. Do not stop at ennui!
Then you must rinse with the cream of mushroom soup. Not THE CREAM OF CHICKEN. I cannot stress this firmly enough. It must be cold. Pour it slowly from above and allow it to cascade down your features. The aroma is so invigorating!
Next you will press your facial area into a deep shag carpet. Chartreuse is of course preferred. Rub your face in the style of the cat into the deep dust traps of the rug.
Now you can be beautiful like Furtie!
xoxox
WHY?!
+++ PLUG ZONE +++ PLUG ZONE +++ PLUG ZONE +++
For once, it's my turn to plug something on behalf of someone! My friend Jesse Ross, who you'll soon be seeing Mr Biffo's Found Footage, is a rather talented writer and director, and he's got a YouTube channel to showcase a couple of his short films.
Please go and check out his work, and subscribe to his channel, and tell him he's good.
Please go and check out his work, and subscribe to his channel, and tell him he's good.
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