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THE DIGITISER2000 FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

2/6/2017

40 Comments

 
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And thus, we come to the end of another week, and the blossoming of a big, beautiful weekend. Is it just me, or does everyone struggle to work when the weather is warm and lovely, and you don't get anything done, because instead of working you keep checking the cheap flights websites?

Honestly - this week has been like pulling teeth... out of a dog's mouth, while it's trying to bite you.

All I've wanted to do all week is get the paddling pool out and strip down to my sweet pants (and then shuffle up and down outside my house, making snarling noises while dragging the deflated pool along the pavement behind me).

Anyway. Letters time. 

If you would like to appear on next week's page, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone - please send your emails to this place here: 
digitiser2000@gmail.com
RED RED VAA-AA-AA-AN (WINE)
I have been a bit busy. A red van showed up with the words "Educational Services" written on the side. People in funny clothes have been chasing me. I am not sure what that is about.

​It occurred to me while I was talking to myself in a cave that my voice kept coming back to me. Do you think it is because it is scary in there or because it just doesn't want to be alone?
A Passing Drunk
I don't really know what you're talking about, but thanks anyway, yeah? THANKS FOR NOTHING!!!! <COOL GUITAR SOLO>
DANCIN' MAN
I know you can't see it, but right now I'm doing a dance.

It's a great dance, so much so that I felt the need to email you about it. Shame you missed it, sir.
Zob
It's okay. I can imagine it instead. Press reveal to see what I firmly believe you look like when you're doing your dance.
REVEAL:
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THE MANY QUESTIONS OF JOHN WHYTE
1. What games do you think have shown the best range of real-world settings?

2. What is more important for you when you play games, how much you enjoy the initial play-through, or re-play value?

3. If there was to be an officially-licenced game of Found Footage, what would it be like?
John Whyte
1. Obviously, the last couple of Grand Theft Auto games were pretty darn remarkable, and remain the high benchmark of recreating "real" places. Anyone who has ever been to Los Angeles or New York will be able to testify to... their... authenticity.... I really need a holiday. 

2. I think it's the initial play-through that means the most to me; there have been very, very few games I've played to completion more than once. Half-Life 2 is the game I've finished the most times.

​3. Oh man! I dunno. I'm not sure it really lends itself to a game, though maybe I could do a point-and-click interactive story narrated by Sting.

​4. And!
POPULAR VOTE
Are you often surprised by which of your phrases, characters or sketches capture fans' imagination and become popular?
​
How much does that then influence their continued appearance?
Glyn Heaviside
Uh, yeah I guess it's surprising. You can't manufacture a catchphrase, as it always comes across as fake. In my TV work, I've been asked by producers or commissioners to do so on more than one occasion, and I've always resisted it. How d'ya like dem onions?!?

Having them catch on influences my use of them to a degree, I guess, but I always feel a bit dirty when I do it for the sake of it. I suppose it's the equivalent of playing the greatest hits. I was quite happy to bring back Mr T, and the other Digi characters, when I launched Digitiser2000, but - as you've doubtless noticed - I've stopped using them. 

Partly it's because I'm a different, potentially more boring, person these days, and partly because - to my mind - they worked back in the day because they weren't the sort of thing you'd expect to see on a Teletext video games page. Also... most of those catchphrases are 20 years old or more, and it feels a bit sad to still be trotting them out like an octogenarian Norman Wisdom.

Rightly or wrongly, I've never wanted Digi2000 to be driven entirely by nostalgia, as much as I know some of you probably wish it was. Still - it's Digi's 25th anniversary next year, so I'm sure there'll be many an opportunity to roll out classics then.

How d'ya like dem onions?!?

I certainly didn't expect Goujon John to be such a phenomenon, or his whole "Taste bad" thing to stand out as a sort of catchphrase. It's tempting to just run that into the ground, because that's an easy laugh, but to me it's a law of diminishing returns. Also, it's kind of anathema to creativity to just latch onto one idea and repeat it indefinitely. It was part of why I struggled with comedies like Little Britain and The Fast Show. 

Worry not, though; GJ will be a big part of Found Footage, but I've tried to find new ways of using him. You might be surprised by what he gets up to.
How d'ya like dem onions?!!?

Press reveal to see what Mr T has to say about all this.
REVEAL:
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ADAPTATION
People always say of book-to-film adaptations that the original novel material is far superior, usually with a full mouth.

It’s quite a pointless observation really; no standalone film can compete with the distinct intimacy of an individual reader’s experience en masse. But that’s not to say that filmmaker should not continue their attempts, some of the best films out there are based on books and can be judged as children in their own right, removed from the shadows of their overbearing parents. 

And changes must be made to fit the medium, the backers who make production possible and, if nothing else, the practicalities of length; with books often being digested over weeks or months or more and not in a barrow full of minutes. 
​
Long running TV series and subscription services may be giving cinema some competition in response to the problem of storytelling space and pace, but this is no new concept; as renewed popularity of long episodic programmes only matches a trend set long ago with the serial publications that first thrived in the late 19th Century, bolstered by a growing literacy rate.

My question to you is can you think of the converse – what film is better than the book or comic from where it became?

Also, I positioned three semi colons in this letter, please rank them in order of how ineffectively they were employed.
Marc Booth
Uh... I dunno. It's a good question. I think the Marvel movies do a good job of rationalising, and making more palatable, super-hero stories. There have been some brilliant Marvel comics over the decades, but there's something to be said for super-heroes doing their thing in live-action.

Also, I loved the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy TV series - which, yes, I know strictly isn't an adaptation of the book, given that the radio series came first - but I always struggled with the books. I found them a bit smug and self-satisfied. But then, something I find very hard in general are novels which are intended to be funny. 

My favourite funny book that I'd like to see turned into a film, you say? Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole (who killed himself a decade or so before the book was even published). Aside from the main character, the flatulent onanist Ignatius J. Reilly, being hysterically funny in his own right, the language is just next-level poetic.

​For example...


“I should perhaps warn you that I am about to faint from anxiety and general depression, though. The film I saw last night was especially grueling, a teenage beach musical. I almost collapsed during the singing sequence on surfboard. In addition, I suffered through two nightmares last night, one involving a Scenicruiser bus. The other involved a girl of my acquaintance. It was rather brutal and obscene. If I described it to you, you would no doubt become frightened.”
MASS DEBATE
Last week's letters page mentioned Mass Effect disappointments, and as it happens, I've been playing the first Mass Effect for the first time over the last few weeks. I'd been looking forward to having a crack at this game for quite some time - since it has a reputation for depth and plot, but I've struggled to get into it at all.

Mass Effect the First has combat that makes you feel like a floaty Thunderbird puppet, there are interminable conversations that hardly have any impact on the game, and a lot of the exploration seems to involve lonely wandering through big empty spaces.

I was so annoyed by the game the other night that I switched it off to go and read a rubbish book instead. The thing is, I'm not adverse to a talky game with a bit of action - I just finished Deus Ex: Human Revolution and (ending and boss combat aside) I enjoyed it throughout.

​Now, over the last week, you've been writing about how you don't have the time to be playing games you aren't into, but I tend to be a bit more stubborn about wanting to stick with things to see if I can get anything worthwhile out of them.

What do those out in Digilands think? Do you have techniques for sticking with a game? When do you let hope die? Is it better to persist with a game for a little longer, or is life too short, and are we all, like Danny Glover's Murtaugh, too old for this shit?
Lazlo Burns
I do occasionally worry that I'm a little closer to the end of my time as a gamer. Or at least, that the types of games I'm going to be playing into old age aren't the types of games I've played up to now. Certainly, I stopped buying comics regularly, because they'd stopped gripping me. The only one I read regularly now is The Walking Dead, and I'm not even sure how much I enjoy it.

​Equally, it might have nothing to do with age, and everything to do with games being so damn huge these days. I've got plenty going on in my life, without having to carve out dozens of hours to finish something that I'm not necessarily going to love. I dunno... 

I SAID I DON'T KNOW.

Holiday please.

FOUR LEIGH CLOVER
Biff-baff-boff. After seeing that you'd bought yourself a second-hand Spectrum, even if you did say you weren't going to play it and you just wanted to stare at it like some kind of terrible mental, I promised you a letter full of Spectrum questions.

​HERE ARE THE QUESTIONS:


Q1) What is your favourite Spectrum game and why? END OF SPECTRUM QUESTIONS
Q2) You have professed your love for Disney World and Disneyland, but what is the shittest theme park you have ever been to?
Q3) This must surely have been asked before, but: why Biffo? Why not Gnasher, or Lord Snooty, or Billy Whizz, or Jean-Paul le Prolapse?
Q4) What do you make of the current series of Doctor Who, and which filthy global celebrity or repellent little-known thesp would you like P. Capaldi to regenerate into?
​

Thank you kindly. I am sorry if this week's selection of letters is such a hooting poo-fest that you have to print this one.
Leigh L.
Actually, I bought the Spectrum to use in Found Footage. Anyhow.

1) Skool Daze/Back 2 Skool, duh.
2) Oh man! Blackgang Chine in the Isle of Wight/Shite comes close. Also, once you've been to Universal in Orlando, the Hollywood one is a massive come-down. Horribly claustrophobic and pokey, even though the tram tour is great.
3) It was just plucked out of the air, because we had a habit of saying things were "Biffo the bear" or "Korky, man - Korky the Cat". Could've been called Mr Korky. I feel I've told this story many times, assuming that everyone who reads this page would have heard it. 
​4) Uh... I've found this series a bit boring, if I'm honest. And it's a shame, because there has been nothing wrong with it - the cast are great, it's still full of good ideas... I just think the format needs a massive shake-up and refresh. It feels a bit tired and predictable. Hopefully the new feller will give it the fresh injection of energy it needs.
5) Holiday?
CLASS OF THE TITANFALLS
Strap in, kids, because this is gonna be today's top letter.

When Titanfall came out, it registered a zero on my interest meter because I didn't have an Xbox One and it looked like an online-only squad shooter, a genre of game I like only marginally more those weird pregnancy-themed Disney Princess browser things.

Then you started spaffing on about Titanfall 2, specifically its campaign mode. The notion of Titanfall as a single-player game was of interest to me and I assumed I'd unnecessarily judged the first one. I don't like starting a game series on entry #2 and, having since bought an Xbone I got me Titanfall only to find that, the box suggested, it was definitely was an online squad shooter with no single-player mode to speak of.

​It's stayed in its shrinkwrap and, due to the deluxe edition being twenty quid for download, I bought and started Titanfall 2 after all.

So my question is: did I do right, daddy? Or should I reconsider giving the first one a spin?

Sorry to Digi2000 readers for any cardiac issues caused by this high-octane content. I am not financially responsible for your healthcare.
Jackson Plums
I loved the feel of Titanfall 1, but it lacks a proper campaign, and the multiplayer in 2 is a significant step up from the first one. Really, though, for me it was all about the campaign - every mission being so stuffed with ideas, and turning the gameplay on its head an ting. And the first one, good as it was, doesn't have that. 
GAMING MILL'S LETTER
A couple of weeks ago I bought a 25 litre bucket, eight bags of sugar and some 'turbo yeast' that brews booze at 14% in just two days or, as I did, left it for about six days to make it 21%. It was like rocket fuel - it really burned my throat and it didn't taste too good until I poured a big bottle of peach cordial in it but it worked out at about 36p per litre or something. Wish I had this sort of stuff when I was at school; would've made me a fortune. I've bought more yeast.

As such, I'm down to my last litre - it's just as well I work from home these days because I've not driven since I started drinking it...or really worked much either.

​Also, after having a few cups of it last night, I ended up buying a meat grinder on eBay and an Indian takeaway (still on the lounge floor - never even opened it). I don't remember why or when but, hey, a cheap supply of burgers, sausages and faggots coming my way to sell to my my Smoking Brother for a handsome (but fair) profit!

My nephew Archie doesn't associate the word faggot with the gayers.

​I suppose my Smoking Brother's video game policing is working. Either that or he's quite tolerant with the English language and associates and understands that faggots are the minced lungs, heart, liver and pork with a really nasty sounding dish.

I love faggots. I'll send you a photo next week.

I am in hospital next week and that is all.
Gaming Mill.
I'm not sure how politically correct your use of the term "the gayers" is, Gaming Mill. I've left it in regardless, so that Digi's readers can judge you accordingly, but I have to profess that I do feel slightly uncomfortable about it. On the plus side, at least Archie has only ever associated that unpleasant word  with offal. Let's hope Digi2000's LGBT community doesn't make a similar association with your letter... 
STEAMED FISH
I've been playing lots of PlatinumGames releases on Steam lately. I got Metal Gear Rising which is bonkers-fun, then Bayonetta which is also crazy-good, and now I've picked up Vanquish - which I didn't play first time round - and am finding it to be slidy-shooty, my way of saying it's rather spiffing.

Now this has got me thinking: SEGA have a rich back catalogue and the latter two recent ports have been really, really good.

They've had some missteps like Golden Axe 3D, but given these successful re-releases and things like the new Warhammer games, I wonder: are we likely to see a resurgence of the Mean Blue Machine in a pure publishing sense? 

I don't think they're coming back as a hardware contender any time - well, ever really - but I still think there's untapped potential there. If only they'd stop making Godawful Sonic games.
Matt N.
Couldn't agree more. Indeed... I done a listicle about this only last month.
POO'EM 
Incontinent Cat by T. O. Illet. 
I have an incontinent Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanyplops;
Her coat is of the tabby kind, with skid mark stripes and winnet spots.
All day she shits upon the stair or on the steps or on the mat;
She shits and shits and shits and shits—and that's what makes an incontinent Cat!

All the best,
Paul.
Cool. Now press reveal to see a poem that your cat wrote about you.
REVEAL:
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WELL KUNG
I'm late to the party, as usual, but in case anyone else has been living in a damp cave for the last couple of years, I'd like to bring this to your attention...
It literally blew mind, and it reminded me very much of Found Footage. It's possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen. OK OK, the *second* funniest...
Hamptonoid 
I keep seeing bits of it, and I really like what I see, but I confess that I'm also slightly jealous of it.

​I don't know what I'm going to do as a follow-up to Found Footage, but I do know that I want to carve out a big block of time for the shoot, rather than doing it piecemeal as I have to at the minute.

Incidentally, do you think, if I did some filming while I was away, I could put a holiday through as a legitimate business expense?
MAGIKARPING ON
​Question: what happens when my 6 year old daughter plays Magikarp Jump?

Answer:
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I think she inherited my sense of humour.
Nikki
If you ask me, she's a comedy genius. Incidentally, what is the deal with all these Pokemon games that are popping up all of a sudden on the App Store? Zero publicity about them.

Anyway... speaking of poo... it's time.
MR PSB'S POO STORY
Not much has happened to me this week, I have mostly just been doing my work and watching unacceptable anime about titties.  I'm not sure what an acceptable anime about titties would look like, but there you are.

I have attached the next book in my wildly popular series, this one starts off a bit slow but I think the pay off at the end is definitely worth it.

MR BIFFO AND THE IMPORTANT MEETING

Once upon a time there was a good boy called Mr Biffo who was twice as erotic as his peers but only half as erotic as his arch-rival and nemesis MrPSB, which was still remarkably erotic considering, but still not number one which is only to be expected.

Mr Biffo was sitting watching the television when the telephone rang and he had a telepathic tingle that there may have been a telemarketer on the other end, but in the end it was a teletwat called Terrance Twatttttttttt, his boss from the Teletext.  

He said “Hello Mr Biffo I need you to come into the office for an important meeting and please do poo before you enter the room we do not want a situation like last time”. Mr Biffo replied “OK Mr Twatttttttttt I will do that and see you later for the important meeting.”

Mr Biffo arrived at the offices with an empty bottom as instructed, having made sure to thoroughly wash out his colon with a wire brush and warm soapy water to make sure it was spotless and free of any possible embarrassment.  

He climbed the stairs to  the room where the Important Meeting was happening and when he entered the room there were tarpaulins everywhere and everyone was wearing those hazard suit things but he said “It is OK, my heart is full of love and respect and my bottom is empty” and everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief and packed away all the tarpaulins and hazard suits, which if you’ve read any of these books before you can appreciate was probably A Mistake.

Anyway.

The meeting droned on and there was all sorts of boring stuff about wanting less jokes about poo and more stuff about games which nobody wanted to hear, when Mr Biffo reached into his bag and fetched out a perfectly-formed turd, which he placed quietly on the table. As the meeting wore on and everyone’s focus remained on the nonsense his boss was spouting, Mr Biffo added another poo poo, and then another, playing his own private game of Brown Jenga in reverse.  

Finally when his monument to toilet contents had reached 30cm in height Mr Biffo’s boss noticed it and said “what the hell is that!!!!!” and Mr Biffo said “IT IS YOUR DOOM, I QUIT!!!!” and slammed his hand flat palm down on the giant pile of filth. There was an explosion of shit, and nuggets of dirty shrapnel flew to all four corners of the room.  

Mr Biffo was closest to the impact and took the brunt of the backblast, but this small sacrifice was worthwhile for the sight of an almost intact bum cigar, having been displaced from the middle of the tower at some speed, flying straight into his boss’s open mouth. A horrified silence followed the stench of smashed faeces to fill the volume of the room until Mr Biffo said “And Another Thing” and pulled down his trousers to reveal his bottom, which was fully reloaded after the big meal he ate on the way over.  

The liquid brown jet of his contempt shot across the room and as his aim was Perfect, it hit his stunned boss in the mouth, washing the poo that had landed there down his gullet and into his tummy tums. Mr Biffo said “I feel better after that” and then he woke up because it had all been a dream, except he’d written “Mr Biffo Rules OK” in diarrhoea on the ceiling.

THE END


I hope you enjoyed that.

BYE!
MrPSB

P.S. LISTEN TO THE AUDIOBOOK HERE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTvM99aCGOE
That's it. That's the last letter. Now go, my children - run free! Begin your sweet weekends. You have my permission to enjoy yourselves. I intend to spend my whole weekend looking up holidays that I cannot afford, while emitting discordant yelps.
40 Comments
FatDave
2/6/2017 08:39:45 am

Picked the wrong mass effect. The second one is the best, and femshep makes it better because Jennifer Hale is much better than Mark Meer.

3 is ok but that ending

There is a great game in andromeda but it's buried under a great mass of needless open world bloat

Reply
Treacle
2/6/2017 05:25:43 pm

Being a contrarian (though mostly due to being a cheapskate as it was a fiver new) I joined the Mass Effect party at 2 and was completely enthralled by it, never feeling excluded from the story despite meeting returning characters for the first time, a testament to the quality of writing. Mass Effect 3 was distracting enough, though as original ending was frankly bizarre, like ending Lord of the Rings with a montage of elves making soup. Played but never finished the first game. ME 2 is the Empire Strikes Back of the series.

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Paul
2/6/2017 08:47:30 am

I'm not sure is was Blackgang Chine, but we went to some bizarre theme park think on the Isle of Wight in the 1990s. I think it might have been in a disused cinema in Shanklin now, but who knows? Not so much a theme park, but some kind of "adventure" involving walking around various tableaux made up of tat, garden gnomes, and other stuff that any real sane person should have thrown away, or given to Oxfam.

The was a quiz to do. The gnome-like person at the front desk told us that there would be a prize draw of all the correct entries. The questions were like those you'd get on Michael Rodd's Screen Test, like "how many gnomes are in the hut?" or "what is that person doing in the corner?"

We did the quiz, and found that we had got all the questions right. Because of that we were entered into the prize draw, but also we were given some "Scooby dos" - not the cartoon, but some kind of bits of platstic which would were supposed to weave into fun shapes. They made me think that someone had been stripping wire to get the the copper, and had some bits let over that he couldn't throw away so called them "prizes".

It was very, very odd, and a little scary if I think about it too much now.

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Paul
2/6/2017 08:55:00 am

Actually a genuine request. If any of your readers have photos of Peasholm Park in Scarbourough in the early 1990s before it was smartened up, I'd love to see them. My wife keeps going on about how bad it was it was emerging as art, but has no photos of it. There was something called "Treewalk Wonderworld" or soetbing, and a dreadful tune called "The Fifth Dmension" they kept playing.

She doesn't seem to have any photos of this place, which does make me wonder if the pudding is being over-egged in her description. Anyway, someone out there must have some pictures of it.

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MENTALIST
2/6/2017 09:26:51 am

Is there inherent sweetness in your pants, Mt Biffo, or do you sweeten them by hand, or some automatic process?

If they were unexpectedly sweet, and delivered by post, you might want to advise Chris to go for a diabetes check.

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Mr Biffo
2/6/2017 10:07:52 am

My pants are indeed inherently sweet.

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Simon
2/6/2017 09:50:24 am

It's a bit of a relief to discover I'm not the only one who isn't overly enamoured with the Hitch Hiker books. My introduction to Adams was through the TV series, which the much younger me loved. The books are very smug and very wordy and very clever - and they leave me cold. I try to like them every so often, but in the end, why should I have to try? Just because I like old Doctor Who and don't mind Stephen Fry (although he's starting to annoy too) and because I was in a SF club at University in the 90s (when all we ever did was watch Babylon 5).

My parents bought me The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul one childhood Christmas - perhaps it's a lack of expectation, but I like that, lots. And although I think I'm not meant to, I enjoyed the Martin Freeman Hitchhiker's movie, too.

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Mr Biffo
2/6/2017 10:08:56 am

Yeah, I've tried with the books so many times. Same with Lord of the Rings (though those I get put off by because they're so damned wordy).

I liked the Hitchhiker's movie too, by the way!

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King of Duckhenrys
2/6/2017 06:01:53 pm

Vaguely remember that you also don't have much love for Pratchett either Biffs. Something about sixth-former humour.

Personally I'd love a Neuromancer movie, the book had some interesting ideas, but my god, Gibson can't write for toffee, and I couldn't get through the whole thing.

Mr Biffo
5/6/2017 07:37:17 am

Yeah... I tried with Discworld back in the day, and felt the same thing, really. Didn't help that the fantasy setting put me off somewhat.

Spiney O'Sullivan
2/6/2017 10:22:49 am

Like you, I only really like the TV/movie adaptations (though I haven't heard the radio version). I read the first book, and felt like it was largely a lot of funny guide extracts strung together by a plot and characters that just didn't do much for me. I tried to get onto the second one, but gave up quickly.

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Paul
2/6/2017 05:20:05 pm

I saw the Tv series first, then managed to tape the radio play that the BBC aired a few months later. Both were different, and the books again. I liked the first three - I didn't and them too wordy or ponderous either, but my mind seems to enjoy that kind of thing, so I go with it.

I thought film was awful.

Raybies
2/6/2017 11:26:19 pm

Holy shit, Fry annoys me now. I've read two of his biographies and he says he seems smug, but it's really nerves and self depreciation, and I don't believe that's true now.

I think part of why Fry annoys me so is because the public perception of him inflated to near genius due to nothing more than hosting QI, and there's an occasional glimmer of him buying into that. Which fucks me right off.

Wait, Hitchhikers Guide? Enjoyed the books less and less and throwing away Fenchurch also fucked me right off. I was very disappointed with Mostly Harmless, I found a real mean streak in that.

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Chas
2/6/2017 09:58:17 am

Man, holidays. I want to go to Miami on Margate money, argh

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Spiney O'Sullivan
2/6/2017 10:02:15 am

I actually meant to write in this week, then forgot.

Why, you didn't ask?

Well, because last weekend Channel 5 aired Pudsey The Dog: The Movie. And I have too much time on my hands, apparently,

You know, for all the hate and shame surrounding it, it wound up being a relatively inoffensive and very British kids' movie that felt like an extended episode of something from CITV, albeit with more in-your-face product placement because it's a Sony film (there was some serious PSvita pimping going on). John Sessions did a decent job in his role, and it's always good to see Jessica Hynes in anything.

Actually, with Sony's current desperation to get an extended universe going after The Amazing Spider-Man and Ghostbusters didn't work out, the Pudseyverse might be their next stop. I look forward to standalone movies about Ken the Pig, the Chuffington Pie-maker, and of course, a prequel starring a CGI young Jon Sessions entitled Mr Thorne: Origins.

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Mr Biffo
2/6/2017 10:15:39 am

Thank you. I join in with everyone disparaging Pudsey, but I honestly don't think it's a bad film, for what it's trying to do.

I mean, there's plenty about it that I wish had been done differently (mainly an opening sequence that got cut, which set up Pudsey's story, and the subplot about a cat which would've given the film a stronger spine, and I do wish that chunks of the dialogue hadn't been improvised in the editing suite...), but given the tiny budget they were working with - barely more than a 30 minute kid's show - and the schedule it was first into (both writing and filming) it doesn't deserve the grief it got.

Because of BGT and Cowell it ended up being far more high-profile than it should've been, and got compared to stuff like Paddington and Pixar - which have massive budgets, comparatively.

Writing it, I tried to write for the budget, and make it feel like an old Children's Film Foundation movie. I think it's really quite inoffensive, so thanks for saying so.

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Spiney O'Sullivan
2/6/2017 10:26:30 am

Also, I'm not ashamed to admit I chuckled at Sessions' speech about hating dogs and all things dog-related.

Mr Biffo
2/6/2017 10:34:52 am

Hurrah! My second favourite bit of dialogue. My favourite bit got cut, as it was considered "too weird". It was a speech by Finn, the dog Pudsey meets in prison, about him planning to build a mole machine to escape.

In fact, most of Finn's dialogue got cut/replaced.

Spiney O'Sullivan
2/6/2017 10:51:04 am

So of the final film, how much would you say was actually your material? Dialogue, visual gags, etc.

Mr Biffo
2/6/2017 11:51:34 am

Blimey. That's hard to say. I'd have to sit down with you and watch it. The basic story is mine - though it got stripped right back, mainly because the animals wouldn't perform. Then they had to rework the animals' dialogue to account for it.

For example... the bit where they cut to the outside of Mr Thorne's house and you hear him chasing/fighting Pudsey was scripted as a big action sequence that you'd actually witness, but it couldn't be done for the time or budget. Likewise the non-existent opening sequence and the prison escape (which was massively scaled back).

I wasn't too keen on the pig actually laying an egg at the end either; that wasn't anything to do with me.

Salem
2/6/2017 10:21:02 am

Everybody knows, his bright yellow piss,
All his friends will smile as he tries to stream them,
Maybe,
You can never be sure,
They'll be knock,
Ring,
Pissing through your door,

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Jol
2/6/2017 10:57:27 am

A quick google suggests that https://storiesfromscarborough.wordpress.com/ might have some old images of Peasholm Park, but they might not be as crappy as you're expecting.

Worst theme park I can remember is Frontierland in Morecambe. It was kind of remiscent of those seaside arcades Mr Biffo mentioned in a recent article; it was so rundown that you weren't entirely sure how or why it was even there. You got the impression that once upon a time it was a thriving business full of families having fun, which only made the bleak shambles you were witnessing even more depressing.

Film better than the book? Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings (oh man writing it like that sounds like some horrible fan fiction).

I've read passages from the HP books and the language and style is just too basic to be engaging, whereas the movies - well, the 3rd onwards - are quite good.

The LOTR books are generally fine, but the Two Towers book in particular is quite dull and involves way too much jogging across fields with little in the way of action. The movie on the other hand has loads going on, and the battle of Helms Deep is great. A lot of fantasy tropes are owed to Tolkien but his prose was really hard work at times; his habit of creating similar-sounding silly names for each group of characters was pretty tiresome.

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Jim Leighton (Future World Darts Champion)
2/6/2017 11:10:43 am

I don't know if you were taking the piss Mr Biffo, but a Point and Click game narrated by Sting? I'd bloody buy it!!

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Gaming Mill link
2/6/2017 01:35:05 pm

Sorry about calling gays 'gayers'. No doubt I'll be equally stupidly offensive next week by accident. I didn't mean to be - I don't care what anyone chooses to be as long as it's consensual and doesn't harm others. That goes for straighters too...or anyone.

Reply
MENTALIST
2/6/2017 01:54:35 pm

The main problem is that you provide no benchmark for what the people you describe may be gayer than.

Reply
Alan Smithee
2/6/2017 01:56:57 pm

Films better than their books:
The Godfather
Jaws
Noel's House Party
Flash Gordon

Reply
Picston Shottle
2/6/2017 02:32:49 pm

I don't miss the old characters, with the exception of ThenMand Daddy, who I do miss very, very much. I love the Reveals too.

MrPSB's story reminded me of the old lady who got hit in the face with bonobo shit a few months ago. Did anybody see it? The simian's aim was perfect and a huge dollop of shite hit her square in the face, which ends up hanging off her nose; she looked like a witch with shit for a nose. She also looks horrifed. It's on YouTube, if you've not seen it. It's excellent.

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Mr Biffo
2/6/2017 02:38:17 pm

The Man's Daddy will still make occasional appearances on these pages, when I feel suitably inspired. I think once I've got Found Footage out of my system, the funnies will return to Digi2000.

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MrPSB
2/6/2017 03:53:35 pm

I've seen that, so maybe I was subconsciously influenced. Or maybe there are only so many ways poo poo can intersect with a human face with hilarious consequences.

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Mrtankthreat
2/6/2017 02:53:08 pm

I used to love the Fast Show. Then they did that anniversary special and it was kind if shit. But then I watched the old ones on YouTube and it was better again even though they're the exact same jokes. I think it was of its time and nostalgia played it's part.

As for films better than the book? All of them as far as I'm concerned because it means I don't have to bother reading the book. I'm not a fan of reading fiction. Although I do like reading movie scripts for some reason. Something about the font and layout is very easy on the eyes.

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superfog
2/6/2017 08:01:34 pm

What have you done to Eddie the Envelope???

Best Digi character ever! (after the Man's Daddy of course)

If only the "poem cat"'s owner had been called Henry; it would have resolved the existential crisis that has haunted me for many decades...

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Matthew Long
2/6/2017 11:13:50 pm

I can't be certain, as he's being very subtle about it, but I think Mr Biffo needs a holiday.

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Matthew Long
2/6/2017 11:20:14 pm

Marc - As far as "film adaptations that were better than the book" go, my first choice is usually Starship Troopers. The novel is a dry, ultra-conservative militaristic lecture, whereas Paul Verhoeven and Ed Neumeier's adaptation flips it and becomes an hilarious satire of right-wing foreign policy. With giant bugs and great action. Anyone who hates it and pleads for a 'more faithful' remake is the sort of person I'd cross the street to avoid.

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Spiney O'Sullivan
3/6/2017 05:05:00 pm

When I first saw this (admittedly too young for it), I thought "this is really gratuitous and dumb". Watching it years later, I realised it was brilliant satire. Still gratuitous, but totally brilliant.

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Matthew Long
3/6/2017 05:26:07 pm

You weren't alone - a lot of American critics didn't see the irony at all at the time either and thought it was a fascist fantasy. Verhoeven refers to his OTT style of filmmaking as 'decadent' - which I rather like! You can see the same larger-than-life humour and irreverence in Robocop and Total Recall. The three of them make a pretty much perfect sci-fi trilogy, I think.

Spiney O'Sullivan
3/6/2017 07:39:04 pm

I do love Total Recall. It's probably the film I've seen more than any other.

The Prince Charles Cinema in London is actually doing a marathon of those three films in July.

Matthew Long
3/6/2017 10:40:14 pm

That's fantastic! [Said in Arnold's voice...]

RSI Is Not Fun
3/6/2017 02:01:50 am

Gaming Mill's kilju reference pleases me, I hear the Finns swear by it.

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Biscuits
3/6/2017 10:31:18 am

Superb letters this week

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Chris Dyson
6/6/2017 08:09:31 pm

Oh Fortuna, please check out Action Park, probably the worst theme park ever. Just a shame it is in America and is now nice.

http://www.avclub.com/article/new-jerseys-action-park-offered-fun-and-injury-who-236163

Reply



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