THE DIGITISER2000 FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

27/1/2017

At the risk of sounding like Donald Trump banging on and on about the size of his inauguration crowd - due to his very legitimate fear that he's not a legitimate president - we lost a few Patreon donors this week, in the wake of my evidently slightly ill-advised Nazi-punching article. Just when we'd gone over $1,000 (59p approximately) for the first time in two years.

It wasn't like we hemorrhaged support or anything, but... well... a handful were lost, and it can't be stressed how Patreon helps to keep me buoyant and supports me doing Digi2000 and related things.

I might take a look at revamping Patreon in some form in the months to come... and find some way to give extra value back to donors, without killing myself. But if you don't like the idea of Patreon - don't forget you can also give via PayPal (digitiser2000@gmail.com). Or not give at all!!!!!

Anyhow... thanks as always to everyone who does donate, thanks to all of you who are thinking RIGHT NOW that you should donate, thanks to all of you who continue to read Digitiser2000, those of you who tolerate this site when things are a bit quieter games-wise, or when I'm up to my eyeballs working on Found Footage (as I was this week).

And thanks for all the nice words I received this week after the Nazi piece. Even people who disagreed with me - those who didn't cancel their Patreon or stop following me on Twitter anyway - were all very reasonable.

Anyhow. Letters time, kids! If you would like to appear on next week's page, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone - please send your emails for next week to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com

NOT HALF
Thank you for your informative piece on Gabe Newell's AMA, which I somehow missed. Sadly his vague assertions made me more apathetic: I doubt we'll see anything soon. And I don't really want a VR Half-Life experience! Unless maybe an opening train ride crawl as a teaser for the proper game, maybe?

I'll just play Half-Life 2 again, I suppose.
Richard Morrison

Given the terrible things that happened to me while playing Resident Evil 7 on the PlayStation VR, I don't want a Half-Life VR experience either. Maybe they could do one that's just the sound.

F.L.U.D.D.Y. HELL

Remember the terrible F.L.U.D.D. from Super Mario Sunshine?

It's real:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/video_and_audio/headlines/38711494

Scott C

It's not real though is it? It's one of those jetpack things which only work on water. And that's fine if your boat is on fire - but what if you live in the desert? It's really hot in the desert, and they probably have far more fires. I bet dunes and fennec foxes are always catching alight. If you're on a boat, surrounded by water, and it catches fire, well... frankly... you deserve everything you get.

Let the ocean-dwellers burn, I say.

KEN YOU DIG IT?
Hello Mr Biffo.
When will Ken Levine?
Thanks
Adam Lloyd

Press reveal to find out.

REVEAL:

LORDY LORD!
I was watching The Apprentice last year, and it suddenly struck me that Lord Sugar might be a vampire. After all, you never see him about during the day, and when he is on screen he seems to dwell in some kind of ghastly lit, subterranean vault, which also functions as a board room.

He's always accompanied by two thralls who clearly have no will of their own. And there's the name - Lord Sugar. Blood sugar levels. Blood! This evil fiend is taunting us with his own name!

So I was wondering, as somebody who supposedly lives in London, have you witnessed Lord Sugar creeping around in the middle of the night, or shape shifting into the form of a bat or wolf? Have you perhaps encountered him feeding on a friend or family member?
A. Van Helsing, Vampire Hunter

Press reveal to have Lord Sugar tell you himself what he gets up to when he's not on TV...

REVEAL:

WHAT IS IT WORTH?
After the debacle that was the launch of my new videogame, Searching for Intelligence in Worthing: A Survey For Family Fortunes, I decided to start playing Skyrim again. So I did. It was alright really.

My point is, I have decided to play and complete every single PS Plus game on PS4 since launch, regardless of quality or length of the sandwich required, wish me luck.
Zombiekicker (PSN ID)

Press reveal for our good luck message.

REVEAL:

BILLY THE COD
Got given Titanfall 2, Forza Horizon 3, and Lego Force Awakens for Yule. The sheer amount of shiny trinkets on display in Playground's latest drive-em-all eclipsed Respawn's sophomore effort, so I've literally only just started playing the latter.

I can see why lots of people evangelised about it, but launching as it did in the same week as BF 1914, it never really stood a chance. Widely discounted since, this game is the one Johnny Battlefield & Billy COD ought to be playing.

Yet people stick to what they know sadly, my work colleagues included. I've become one of those trying to get others to try it yet my recommendation falls on deaf ears, "I don't like the look of it" or "I just play COD or FIFA ta" being a typical response.

As for Lego Force Awakens, I guess I'll play it eventually.
Ian Thompson

Honestly... as if there weren't already enough reasons to despair about mankind these days, along comes Titanfall 2 to prove that the vast majority of humanity is about one rung on the evolutionary ladder away from sitting in a puddle, hitting themselves over the head with a handful of their own excrement.

HO HO

I recently enjoyed your HA HA Eric Bristow bit on your Twitter feed.

I say I enjoyed it… I laughed hysterically! In fact, I’m laughing now and not even thinking about anything specifically about it - just it in abstract!

I just read them to my wife and I nearly died. She said she was laughing at me laughing and couldn’t really understand what I was saying.

PLEASE can you do more of them? Yes, I know I could just read his tweets but it wouldn’t be the same. I’m laughing again now. Ha ha!
Dean

Ten retweets I got for that. A paltry ten. More depressingly still... I got even less for my Donald Tarp picture, which is a work of rare and profound genius, and took me a whole five minutes to do in Photoshop. Two people retweeted it. No, really: just two. Oh, it got six or seven likes - one of which was from my other half, so it scarcely counts - but nobody wants likes anyway. Retweets are the good stuff.

I mean - look at it. Look: DONALD TARP!!!! He's under a tarp! I don't do this for my health, you know.

PISSLORD
HELLO BIFFY. I was ill before and in hospital, but I got better. I wrote all about it - YES I KNOW you've read it - but maybe someone else might like to. Just put my link on Digitiser 2000 dot com please and let nature take its course, like I did while I was pissing gallons into little cardboard bottles: https://medium.com/@mpwilliamson/the-time-i-had-man-flu-aefeda1c3d78

Also, where is Chart Cat? Things have been decidedly unsexy around these parts recently, and the last thing I want to see is unsexy parts. BYE.
MrPSB

Yes, I actually read all of the Mr PSB urine journal - and if that's something you're into - sorry... if that's something URINE TO (hahahahaha)... you know: like the US President, allegedly... then you might like to give it a read also.

If you've ever followed the torrent of single-entendre filth and rat affection that is PSB's Twitter feed, you might be surprised to learn that it's a surprisingly sincere and heartfelt piece. I certainly was. Though I only made it all the way to the end because I was expecting some sort of punchline about poo.

TURTLEHEAD
I once had an interview at LionHead to work on Milo and Kate. It went well and they tried to show me the game, but it froze on the loading screen, so I didn't get to play it. I did notice that the loading screen had a quote from Ken Hill on it: "Childhood is a promise that is never kept".

From this choice of quote I surmised that either, Mr Molyneaux was blissfully unaware of his reputation as an arch bullshitter... or he was aware and was flaunting it like the Parisian prostitute who flashed the school coach on my french trip in '89.

The game got canned before I received a response to the interview, in case you were wondering.

Best not put my real name on this.
Whisky Bob

Press reveal for another quote from Ken Hill, whoever that is.

REVEAL:

BLISK
Hey, I got Titanfall 2 like you and Blisk said I should. I agree, it’s really fun. So fun I’ve already put 30 hours into it despite only owning it for 6 days and having a full time job. So thanks. Duckhenry please.
Gaffer tape wrapped around a pipe leading to an extractor fan

Blisk? What is this Blisk? It sounds like a type of baby biscuit for babies. Are you a baby?! Ha ha - you're a baby.

EXTENDERS
What do you think of Eastenders recently having the words, "bastard", "arse" and "shagging" included in one episode? Do you think they have realised that it's going off the rails and are trying to steer it back towards the glory days of beat-boxing and Dirty Den blatantly saying the C word?

Have you had any further communications from Stuart N Hardy? I understand if you would rather not have his name on the site just in case he discovers it and begins his campaign again, or if he turned out to be an actual crazy person.

Final question : Does Rev Campbell have enough clout to force Tudor Special crisps back into production? Specifically Gammon & Pineapple flavour. That's got to be more important than all the politics stuff.
Nicky

P.S. Do you have an opinion on the recent news about the KLF possibly coming back in some form? Do you care? Their ambient album Chill Out still stands up as a classic in my opinion.

I have absolutely zero opinion about EastEnders whatsoever, and haven't done since I fled the show shedding a trail of scorched expectations.

I've no idea what the story is, or was, with N. Hardy - though Digitiser was just one of countless journals he wrote to back in the 90s.

You'd have to ask Reverend Campbell whether he's got any clout with Tudor. I'm still waiting for Golden Wonder to bring back Sausage & Tomato.

KLF? I didn't have an opinion about them coming back until last week, when my friend Giles told me they were coming back. My opinion was - and remains - "Well, that'll make Giles happy - he really likes them, judging from how excited he seems to be about telling me they're coming back."

FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Your mentioning of seeing Stewart Lee reminded of the time I saw him in Forbidden Planet, losing his rag at his young son. It was quite shocking seeing him acting like a grump dad. Are you a grump dad? Telling your kids to shut up when you're reading the paper, making them eat aubergine, kicking Lego houses over, that sort of thing.
Jeremy Pile

Do you know who I once saw in Forbidden Planet with his kids? Paul Weller. I couldn't tell whether he was being grumpy or not, alas.

Do you know who I saw coming out of the astrology and crystals hippy-type shop that's over the road from Forbidden Planet? Thingo - Bilbo Baggins/The Office Block/Watson-From-Sherlock. And his (now former) partner and their kids. He did seem like a grumpy dad.

Was I a grump dad? I don't think I was a grump dad, but most parents seem to spend the majority of their lives feeling guilty over those times they did lose their temper, or feel they let their kids down. And I'm no different.

More celebrity sightings, please. That's all for this week, children!

100 Comments

MrPSB

27/1/2017 08:04:04 am

My poo journal is going to be number two in the series.

David W

27/1/2017 11:08:40 am

That was a nice cover story, but I know the real reason for your absence.

You're working undercover in the White House. Your mission is to hide behind curtains, averting catastrophe by saying the magic word at critical moments.

27/1/2017 11:04:47 pm

It would be the Yellow House if I was working undercover there by now.

DEAN

28/1/2017 12:38:33 am

Hi Mark,

I just tried to read about your experience but I had to stop and skip to the end. I have a very low tolerance for medical business and nearly passed out - you poor bastard!
Glad you made a recovery, buddy!

28/1/2017 12:45:20 pm

Ah no worries, thanks for having a look anyway. The TL;DR version is I got a virus, my kidney shut off because of ibuprofen (so they think) so I stopped pissing, then they medicated me and I pissed loads, and now I'm on the way to recovery.

28/1/2017 12:51:45 pm

I got all of that. I started 'shutting down' when you talked about the kidney biopsy. Sweet Lord have mercy!

Paulvw

27/1/2017 08:41:53 am

Sugar, Bristow Trump in one letters page ....You're so beautifully fired haha

Keith

27/1/2017 09:36:17 am

Bridget Christie, Tesco, Christmas eve

Matt Lewis

27/1/2017 10:06:11 am

I'd forgotten all about Stuart N Hardy. Wherever he is, I'll bet he's on twitter, bloviating about some minor grievance, right this minute.

Kirby

27/1/2017 10:38:13 am

I also saw Stewart Lee in Forbidden Planet a couple of years ago. No child but he did look decidedly grumpy. Also shorter than I expected.

RichardM

27/1/2017 11:40:28 am

What is he doing in Forbidden Planet all the time? Other than looking grumpy / not grumpy. I go in once a year maybe to look at the actions figures and not buy anything.

27/1/2017 12:05:29 pm

He's a bugger for The Incredible Hulk, Stewart Lee.
Fact, that is. He said as much on one of his DVDs.

He's also very chummy with Alan Moore. I assume this has less to do with a shared appreciation with Magic than it does a common interest in comics (hero not funny).

Zombiekicker

27/1/2017 07:23:51 pm

I met morena baccarin at the busstop and shagged her, while I was on acid, this may or may not have happened

titmouse

27/1/2017 07:42:55 pm

Me too but I was also flicking Vs at my headmaster. And Morena was his wife at the time

27/1/2017 08:33:33 pm

I met bobbie Gillespie from primal scream in the 90s I sold him some ecstasy

Kuben Blisk

27/1/2017 10:45:08 am

2 More pilot recruits for Titanfall? Awwwwww yeah.

Any UK PSN heads want to play some with me add Nude_Tayne_ and we'll go bust some shit up together.

Gaffer tape

27/1/2017 12:35:57 pm

I'll add you up when I get home, Digi and Tim and Eric are 2 solid reference points IMO

Warning: I am frequently not that good (but sometimes I am quite good)

MrJalco link

27/1/2017 11:11:03 am

Wait, Tim from the office is a spirit-crystals, the motion of stellar bodies somehow affects my tiny ant-life loon?

Well that's depressing.

Crystal lizard

27/1/2017 12:58:32 pm

He was probably there with his kids innit

27/1/2017 01:25:12 pm

Indoctrination of the young in utter puddle is even more depressing. Ah well.

Stern Peter

27/1/2017 02:17:50 pm

Indeed, I raise my children on a steady diet of calculators and broadsheets, and instead of reading them a bedtime story, each night I throw a book of so-called 'fairy tales' into a burning drum. Joseph is already 'harumph'ing at the level of a 40 year old

28/1/2017 03:16:16 pm

Stern Peter, that is hilarious. Roared with laughter at that!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If I may chuck my hat into the ring with regards to Tim from the office:
I never liked the 'Fisher Price Man'. I guess he's a perfectly serviceable actor and that but... I dunno, his face... mouth sounds.
I was somewhat grateful to hear that he was seen exiting a crystal shoppe. Legitimised my disdain and/or offered some kind of spiteful vindication.

I'm not going to be popular for this but Simon Pegg.... He's another.
I think there's something about UK actors that see a certain amount of success across the pond that creates this kind of simpering twatso paradigm.
James Cordon....

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The above was an excerpt from the imaginary forthcoming book - Gareth Keenan Adjudicates

John Veness

27/1/2017 01:51:07 pm

Could have been his partner who was into that stuff? Or buying for a friend?

Darcy

27/1/2017 06:14:34 pm

That's like assuming everyone who goes into Forbidden Planet is a sweaty, woman-hating ubernerd because comics, innit?

Kara Van Park

27/1/2017 11:22:24 am

Glad I wasn't witness to Stewart Lee being grumpy. I'd not be able to stop laughing, assuming his faux anger is similar to his genuine ire.

Perez DEAN Hilton

27/1/2017 11:27:28 am

Thankin' You, Mr B, for your reply about HAHA Bristow!
I was very amused by the Donald Tarp pic but alas I don't have Twitter.
I did enjoy reading the brief repartee between your good self and Rev. Stuart, though.

Celebrity GO

Richard Branson - came down to Gatwick to apologise to Virgin Atlantic customer for delaying a flight for 12 hours or so. Put us all up in the Copthorne and that came with a Roast dinner that evening and breakfast (following morning.... obvs).
But yes, my 5/6 yr old self has touched the hand of the Lion 'O Midas. We shook hands.

Peter Davison - on the above flight to Florida!
I didn't even know who he was and always found Dr Who to be terrifying (the music probably) but the Air Hostess thought it'd be nice to disturb the TV star and his wife up in 1st class with a young lad who had no idea about he was and get an autograph.
He asked me if I watched Dr Who and I just nodded (I wasn't really lying, after all) and it was awkward for a moment or two and then I was ushered away back into economy with the other creatures (great and small).

Dean Gaffney and Vinnie Jones - both at Picasso's Italian Restaurant in Puerto Banus.
Dean was making a table full of girls laugh at him (he was fully dressed, I should probably stress) and Vinnie was on his way there with a really gorgeous dame (might have been his wife, if that doesn't sound like her then my apologies to all involved - I MEANT NO HARM).
He was taller than I thought he would be but didn't even realise I had an opinion on that until my surprise.

Rolf Harris - I know NOW but at the time he was still that lovable cheeky antipodean from Rolf's Cartoon Club. He was very genial and drew me a Rolf-A-Roo and signed it.

Peter Green - Now this guy is a proper LEGEND. Sadly one who lost his mind a bit but nonetheless he's been back with us for a while now!
I met him at a WIMPY when he and his tour manager were buying him a 99 (ice-cream in a cone with a flake). I said to my mate - LOOK IT'S PETER GREEN! HE said it wasn't. I was sure it was, he had the right ethnic hat and everything, and approached them. "Excuse me, are you Peter Green?" I asked. "I dunno, you'll have to ask him." He replied. "Yep, he is." Words to that effect from the manager. "Please may I have your autograph?".....
I won't continue with that because I can't really remember what happened next and it wouldn't be that interesting if I could but suffice to say, I got a signed WIMPY order ticket from him. I gave this to another mate who like LOVED him.

Kate Mulgrew - absolutely lovely lady, posh handbag (Vuitton) and a lot of time for her fans.

Tricia Helfer - Fine actress and impossibly tall. The Blond Bombshell / Femme Fatale from Battlestar was really lovely and happy to pose for for photos and talk for bit. I met het her and Kate (see above) at those Autograph event things.

As I write this it's become apparent to me how obsessed I am with celebrity height. I suppose we have it in our heads that they're all little tiny people like Tom Thumb (Cruise)... More to get through...

The Lads from the band REEF.
My band was rehearsing next to the room they were rehearsing in. We talked bit and hung out (didn't really but sort of did a bit). Lovely lads that owe a lot to Sony's ill-fated Mini Disc system. Some great tracks though.... I'll Blow You Away...

Bob Taylor - not famous per se but if you're a guitar player then you'll be familiar with TAYLOR GUITARS. I was introduced to him by Hugh Manson (Makes the guitars for chap from MUSE and JOHN PAUL JONES from Led Zeppelin). He was tall and a bit creepy, if I'm honest. Like a Vicar.

Dr Jim Marshall OBE - met him at a trade show. He was a funny little cockney who reminded me a lot of a market trader. Nice enough, though. Yep, the Father of Loud. I have mild tinnitus in my left ear. Thanks Doc.

Roger Waters - he from Pink Floyd (no, you're thinking of David Gilmour... yep, the other one, that's he) Met him in a guitar shop when I was trying out a guitar. I didn't know who he was but he was very friendly and complimentary, I might add! The sales assistant told me who he was afterwards.

John Paul Jones - OR the bass player from Led Zeppelin as he's more commonly known! Lovely chap, quite short, I said it was a pleasure to meet him and he said the same. I think he was just being polite, though.

Okay, last one (unless I think of more)

This is a big one for me

SLASH

Okay, before I get balls-deep into this I better say upfront that I didn't actually meet him.
A friend of mine managed to blag a PRESS PASS at an event at London Docklands where Slash's Blues Ball were playing. He bottled it and so it came to me... I waltzed nervously past security and found the dressing room. I barged in like a f@cking nutter and was met with the whole band (looking quite startled) but alas, no Slash.
"Where's Slash?" I said, like Arnold might say in T2. "He's already gone back to the hotel ." Replied Teddy the keyboard player.
I turned on my heels (n

Wilburforce Gentry

27/1/2017 12:56:25 pm

I hope that errant '(n' goes on to say (n...ow Teddy and I live together and have a whale of a time on our various adventures!)

27/1/2017 02:32:07 pm

If only that were so. We could 'jam' together under a beautiful pink and orange LA sunset and I could cry at him for doing the drugs he'd promised he'd stopped. Oh Teddy... Be my Teddy Bear again and put down the Nytol and lay naked with me under a thousand stars here on the hotel lobby floor.

No. The errant '(n' (looks like a glum elephant) you speak of was actually the end result of one the following:

1 - I'd hit the available characters threshold for the comments.
2 - I'd hit the good taste barrier for post length (matron).
3 - My fat hand had clumsily deleted a load of it.

Rereading my entire post I see it's littered with poor English.
In my defence I was too lazy to proof it. In too much of an excited hurry to post it and too arrogant to think I needed to. I was wrong.

But since you brought up my abrupt climax, here's what I said:

CONT. (no typo) FROM ABOVE:
(not high ones) and walked solemnly away. Today I came closer than many ever would to meeting Slash, and that had to count for something...
Several years later that mate of mine did meet Slash at Camp Freddy in LA. Said he was modest and charming and they shot the breeze about bands and that together. BASTARD.

That's enough from me.

Wilburforce

27/1/2017 08:35:53 pm

Sincere thanks for sating my curiosity

28/1/2017 10:20:37 am

You're most welcome, Wilburforce!

27/1/2017 12:38:56 pm

A friend and I once caused Iggy Pop to do a befuddled double take.

Marty Bensowillkovichiontrowse

27/1/2017 01:43:38 pm

Did you switch clothes quickly while he was looking elsewhere?

27/1/2017 08:35:08 pm

Nintendo fanboy

paul

27/1/2017 12:46:39 pm

I know the hippy crystal shop you mean - I was standing outside that in the rain with my wife while our wiccan friend went in for things (probably crystals and stuff like that). It seemed to smell heavily of patchouli oil.

Don’t think I’ve seen anyone famous in Forbidden Planet, but I can relate a story which is mildly hilarious.

I was in the basement part looking at books, and there was a large Dalek sitting there. The usual hub-bug of shop noise was going on as a kid points at the Dalek and said AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE: “Look, daddy, it’s R2-D2”.

Silence.

Silence fell.

The kind of silence that happens if you mention Jimmy Saville in a primary school. Sharp intakes of breath through teeth could be heard. Tuts dispatched in the failing parents’ direction.

This father had been outed as a failure in front of what he was clearly hoping were his peers. He had been judged, and found wanting. I bet he was grumpy the rest of the day.

Also, I saw Bill Oddie walking down the alley waye between the Costa and St James’ Church, Piccadilly in London once. He looked _really_ pissed off. Maybe he’d just been sacked from SpringWatch,. Who knows?

29/1/2017 11:04:22 am

My dad once used Bill Oddie for a voice over.

Said he was a mardy twat.

King of Duckhenrys

27/1/2017 12:50:59 pm

Apart from making awkward eye contact with a miserable looking Vic Reeves in a Kent shopping mall, the closest thing I've come to a brush with celebrity was a visit to the actual Teletext offices as a kid.

To be honest, I don't remember much about it other than it being a crushing disappointment. I recall that the important high-class media hub I was expecting in the middle of London turned out to be a warehouse hidden in a back-street behind a Renault(?) garage. I didn't get a tour or anything, spent most of the time in a dingy meeting room.

Actually, it's a bit worrying how little I do recall. The only thing I remember clearly is how the Teletext guy I was talking to seemed unhappy that I was a Digi fan.

27/1/2017 01:00:23 pm

Just re-read that penultimate sentence and realised it might be misconstrued. What I meant was that previously I had a great memory for things that happened when I was younger, but old age is getting to me.

Concentration

27/1/2017 01:21:34 pm

As I get older I find I am able to recall childhood memories with reasonable clarity, but what happened yesterday is gone. I guess it's because life was exciting and new as a youngster, and now I'm an adult, every day is the same, melding, bleeding into each other relentlessly

Spiney O'Sullivan

27/1/2017 01:21:41 pm

I don't think that posting your Nazi-punching article was necessarily ill-advised. It's your site and you can write what you like. You were well within your reichs -sorry- rights.

Besides, even as an actual child I didn't stop reading every time I disagreed with you, even in 1993.

I mean, come on, *seventy-two percent?* That's far more controversial than not condoning vigilantism.

27/1/2017 01:30:05 pm

Only ever had 2 "celeb" encounters. I met Michael Owen in the gents loo of a M6 service station, back in his Liverpool days. It was awkward and I pretended not to recognise him.

Other occasion was seeing Mark Kermode out with his family at a National Trust property. I like Mark a lot. Seems a fine chap. So I left him completely alone.

Curious Dan

27/1/2017 01:50:09 pm

Was Mark Kermode bending at the waist and peering at a vase while rubbing his chin and saying 'Hmmm'?

27/1/2017 03:32:59 pm

Pointing at a flint wall while aggressively wearing suede.

SpinnyPins

27/1/2017 04:57:41 pm

Classic Kermode!

really bloody angry and quite disgusted frankly and I would like to speak to a manager what do you mean theres no managers available what kind of place are you running there I mean you can understand why im angry right sorry i dont mean to have a go at y

27/1/2017 01:56:42 pm

No Duckhenrys, no Hucknall anecdote... I'm beginning to wonder if this is a 'letters' page at all!

27/1/2017 05:27:36 pm

It's all a trick, unless it's not, I'm not sure I even write the letters with my name on, maybe I don't

27/1/2017 01:58:28 pm

I once walked past Joanna Lumley. And Stewart Lee in fact, separately. On both occasions we were walking in opposite directions on a pavement, and I must have been staring at them as they both looked at me with a slightly nervous look on their faces, like I was about to acost them! Which I didn't.

Oh, and I once met Paul Rose! Now *that's* celebrity.

27/1/2017 02:52:45 pm

Who's Paul Rose? Some sort of flower guy, guy?

27/1/2017 07:59:21 pm

Axl's brother.

Paul had the better voice and would never write anything as poor as "what's so civil about war anyway?" But lacked the cool name. Ginger William.

28/1/2017 10:02:27 am

Richard, I was wrong... dead wrong.

Paul Rose is a made up name. A brilliantly well construed nom de plume, if you will.

I was tossing and turning all night and then this morning I leapt from my cupboard and started writing hysterically on an imaginary whiteboard in my mind like I was Jeff Goldblum in the movie Jurassic Park after having a eureka moment about dino DNA and such.

Let me run my calculations by you, see what you make of 'em:

PAUL ROSE
P. ROSE
PROSE

Eh, eh, eh? Am I right (write)?
A writer who's very name is 'prose'?

I don't believe in coincidences but I'll concede this much:
It's widely held to be true that a person's name could influence their career path. A sort of self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts.

Mr Trump - A bloviating ignoramus
Mr Littlejohn - a vagina (formal)
Peter Purves - Blue Peter

*Lights imaginary cigar*

COUGHCOUGHFUCKCOUGH

27/1/2017 05:28:14 pm

Jonny lumber, I like him

Nick

27/1/2017 02:21:38 pm

As a child I was told off by Geoff Capes for teasing his parrot. For some reason they were being displayed at a local garden centre.

Isn't Paul Weller always grumpy? It's kind of his thing.

27/1/2017 02:38:02 pm

I went on one of those Game of Thrones tours in Belfast - there was a man I recognised also on the tour. I thought, I know him - have I been to meetings with him? - was he a patron of the pub I worked in years ago?... He didn't seem to recognise me - or was he avoiding my gaze?

Later on we had to put our names on a list and choose what we wanted for lunch. I saw his name and decided to Google it to see if that'd give a clue. It was only Gareth the choir chap from those choir shows on the telly! I stopped staring at him then.

Even more excitingly we also met two of the direwolves from Game of Thrones!!!

Leigh

27/1/2017 08:24:24 pm

Mu auntie lives next door to Bob Pugh (Craster in Game of Thrones and some other stuff). Last year I explained to him how to get photos off a digital camera.

I think that'll probably do for that story.

Picston Shottle

27/1/2017 02:55:16 pm

Celeb Sighting 1:
I was in an ante room in the lounge in Charles de Gaulle waiting for a flight early on a Sunday morning (5am, something like that) so it was pretty empty - just me in a room probably 50ftsq with a few couches and tables. In walks a few Air France staff followed by an entourage, in the middle of which was Whitney Houston. They all sat down and all was calm for a few minutes until Whitney started growling and making weird retching noises. And standing up and praising the Lord and Jesus and God as if she was a Southern Baptist preacher. She was fucking mental.

Celeb Sighting 2:
Bryan Ferry having a good old moan at me about the length of the security line in Schipol airport. He was a grumpy dad for sure.

Celeb Sighting 3:
I was sat next to (across the aisle) Mila Jovovich on a flight back to LA. She was with her kids. She was not a grumpy Mum. She was lovely.

Celeb Sighting 4:
Quentin Tarantino ran over me with his baggage cart. He apologized profusely. He is very big and looks like a tramp.

There's loads of others - I used to fly a lot because of my job (kinda still do) so celeb encounters were/are common.

28/1/2017 08:31:32 pm

I'm loving the sound of that Whitney one.

Sounds to me like she was 'speaking in tongues'. Now imagine that if instead of 'feeling him in her' she was a bit more... down to Earth with her space cadet behaviour and exclaimed, 'HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM....'
Still crazy, sure, but with a quite charming pinch of self-awareness.

Anyway, you've teased us by hinting about a cool job that involves lots of flying around the World. You also spelled 'apologised' incorrectly like Americans do.... Hmmmm...

Hmmmm... something to do with computers.... Do you use a computer for your work, Picston?

Sorry about all the Hmmmm-ing - I've swallowed a harmonica.

29/1/2017 08:28:22 pm

Ahhh...yes. American autocorrect. Nope - not an American - I'm an Englishman (a Scouser, no less) who now lives in a Southern California - about 40 miles south of LA). I hate it when my "s"'a are replaced by "z"' (zeds, NOT zees), and when they arbitrarily get rid of of "u"'s.

Anyway, no, not computers. I work for one of the big container shipping companies. We have about 650 offices all over the world and I used to spend most of my time traveling amongst them, the one in SoCal being knew of those I had to visit, and got lucky and was asked to stay here permanently. Still do a fair amount of traveling but nothing like used to.

30/1/2017 09:05:41 am

Well, you've certainly got better weather right now than you would have had. Thing's have warmed up a smidge but now it's that horrible DAMP COLD. Good for nothing, that is. (Thought I'd update you on the weather here just incase you were a bit homesick!)

When you said SoCal shipping I immediately thought of San Diego. 40 Miles from LA is closer to LA than there, though (just so you know). Have you ever ventured further south and put in an appearance at the big Comic Con?
I'd love to go and see all that. Last time I looked you had to enter a sort of raffle system to attend and once you've done your flights, hotel... mightily expensive. Still, as a firm fan of comics it feels like a pilgrimage I should probably make. Have you, then?

Interesting that you don't use computers for your job. You'd imagine that a large scale shipping company would rely on them to help keep 'stuff' organised and for calculating 'things'. Lovely to hear that ready reckoners are alive and well!

a classic funny link

27/1/2017 03:53:33 pm

Q: Who does Paul Weller look like?
A: My friend's dad!

Mr Biffo

27/1/2017 09:21:14 pm

LOLLLLLLLLLLLL!

MrDrinks

27/1/2017 05:58:50 pm

I asked Mark Kermode if he thought Will Smith had made the right decision in turning down Django Unchained in favour of doing that M Night Shyamalan film After Earth. He said, "No".

Also, my brother once heard Louis Theroux's voice outside a cinema, he looked over and it was indeed Louis Theroux himself speaking on a phone or something, He didn't think it was appropriate to approach him to ask about Will Smith's decision making skills unfortunately.

27/1/2017 06:17:14 pm

My brother and I were shown around the Ferrari dealership in LA and whilst there we saw Will Smith's Ferrari 360 Spider which was in for a service. He must be doing okay to have one of them cars...

My brother got to sit in Schumacher's F1 car but I didn't because I didn't want to, not because I was too fat.

Gareth C

27/1/2017 06:17:47 pm

Where can I get a free trike?

27/1/2017 08:43:45 pm

Crowdfunding

PeskyFletch

27/1/2017 06:55:02 pm

i once fixed rubbish man utd midfielder/world club winner Kleberson's broadband.it was in post season. I was super cool and pretended to not know who he was, till i said good bye when i simpered out "good luck in the coming season" He laughed.

Also i've made a twat of myself to various comic book writers/artists, but do they count as celeberities?

27/1/2017 07:09:36 pm

They do to us, Fletch!
I met a couple of Deadpool artists... that said, everybody is a Deadpool artist/writer after the success of that movie! Great movie, though.
They were awesome, though, great artists and a lot of fun to chat with.
Can't remember their names now...

So, how'd you make a tw@ out of yourself...

Oooh, before you say, I've got a quick one about Deadpool's creator, Rob Liefeld. I had a rather unpleasant email exchange with him (think it was him) about some stuff I bought off him and it not materialising due to 'water damage'. This dragged on and on and he got really pissy with me. In the end I had to claim a refund from my card company, which he said he'd not object to. He did, or his card company did.
Shame but there you go. That said he's only Wade's biological father, Joe Kelly raised the lad into the outstanding Marvel accomplishment he is today. F@ck you, Rob!
LOL, no, I still quite like the guy actually. He's a character and his hyperactivity is a hell of a thing; it's like he's permanently on coke.

Take it away, Fletch!

Starbuck

27/1/2017 06:58:57 pm

As a child I was once at a party attended by Tiswas star Chris Tarrant. I was genuinely scared that he would bring custard pies with him. I was an idiot.

I'd mention seeing the Chuckle Brothers trying to get oversized piece items through undersized doors, but I expect most people have seen that.

27/1/2017 07:25:10 pm

I hate Chris Tarrant. Okay, that's an overstatement but I HATE his voice. Really big time hate it.

27/1/2017 08:23:21 pm

Luck then that it's one of the most unique voices in Christendom!

28/1/2017 10:28:46 am

Luck has nothing to do with it, Starbuck. I mean, you wouldn't say that to a mother with a three-headed kid called Sir Bearus.
No, every now and then nature throws an abomination. Christ Tarrant's hideously horrible voice is just that.

Here's an English translation of the Old Spice advert music (O Fortuna) by way of thanks (I think it fits the mood):

O Fortune,
like the moon

you are changeable,

ever waxing

and waning;

hateful life

first oppresses

and then soothes

as fancy takes it;

poverty

and power

it melts them like ice.

Fate – monstrous

and empty,

you whirling wheel,

you are malevolent,

well-being is vain

and always fades to nothing,

shadowed

and veiled

you plague me too;

now through the game

I bring my bare back

to your villainy.

Fate is against me

in health

and virtue,

driven on

and weighted down,

always enslaved.

So at this hour

without delay

pluck the vibrating strings;

since Fate

strikes down the strong man,

everyone weep with me!

Paul

27/1/2017 08:22:48 pm

Another celebrity spot I've just remembered. Sylvester McCoy in SuperDrug in Watford buying a carton pineapple juice. He was in a play at the Palace Theatre there. Must have been 1989 or 1990.

Alex link

27/1/2017 08:41:25 pm

Celeb meets:

Tricia Helfer (Battlestar Bombshell) gorgeous and v friendly.

Murray Walker: can't remember :-(

Sir Jimmy Salville (of peado fame) when I was a kid in Milton Keynes hospital. Sadly i'm the wrong sex otherwise I might be quids in now. Oh wel...

Simon

27/1/2017 08:47:03 pm

Working at the ABC Cinema (now car park) in Blackpool back in the day, I served quite a few famouses who were in town. Post Home and Away, pre Ali G era Isla Fisher came in and I got all flustered and got all befuddled with her credit card. I sold Tony Robinson a ticket to see Tomorrow Never Dies. Nick Cotton and Kid Creole, that was a good week. And you can't move in Blackpool for Nolans.

I tend to hold back my favourite celeb story in reserve. Houses of Parliament, early 90s, A level Politics class trip. We're loitering around a busy corridor, waiting to go into the House of Commons, and an important looking group are walking purposefully toward us. There are a group of huge blokes, who turn out to be minders, flanking David Steele and another, smaller, but distinctly-dressed and moderately famouses chap. I spot who it is before anyone else around me, and instinctively announce this, at full blast: "IT'S YASSER ARAFAT!" I was correct, for it was he. One of the menacing looking minders turns and grins at me, and Yasser (for by now we are surely on first name terms) smiles broadly at the announcement from the gawky 17 year old wearing a Queen Greatest Hits II t shirt (me). And then they were gone.

I also saw Tony Hart that day. Brilliant.

28/1/2017 12:08:19 am

I LOVE TONY HART.
Jesus Christ that man (Tone not JC) was like a god to me when I was a kid.
I even loved the gallery bit where you saw other kids drawings and they'd play that cool music. Never cared for Morph, though.

Hamptonoid

27/1/2017 09:13:38 pm

Andy Townshend once stole a chip from me outside Anfield. That's it. That's all I have.

27/1/2017 09:29:13 pm

Oh, g'wan then... I'll join in.

Andy Peters when, I believe, I went to America in 1994 with Mr Hairs and Violet Berlin. He was on our plane. I had a couple of meetings with him a few years back, as he's now an agent, and represented one of the cast of a show I was lead writer on. He's BUFF these days. Like, big, big muscles. It was a bit weird to see.

On the same trip to America we visited a restaurant/bar owned by Jeff Lynne from ELO. And he was in there at a table.

Uh...

Tom Baker and Chris Morris I both saw multiple times on Oxford Street. When I was a teenager a friend and I saw Ben Elton on a tube station platform. We covered our eyes with our hands, stuck our tongues out, and pressed our faces against the window at him.

Oh: and when I went on holiday last Easter, General Hux from The Force Awakens was on my plane. Though I didn't know that until we got off.

27/1/2017 11:59:30 pm

Does Andy still have Edd the Duck? I bet he never gets tired of being asked about him.

But anyway, you move in celebrity circles, you must have a more...

Can I ask you about a couple of people?

Julian Rignall (Jaz) - I went through a phase of wearing rugby tops to be cool like him (never stretched to a mullet, though).
I got the distinct impression that you didn't care for the chap at your Digifest event. Harmless banter or genuine beef...

Gary Cutlack (AKA Cmdr. Zorg) - I used to love reading UK:RESISTANCE and thought he was incredibly funny.
You must know him...

Dan

28/1/2017 12:31:17 am

About 10 years ago Gary published a photo on UKR of our golden retriever wearing my Sonic the Hedgehog T-shirt.

I took it when I was a child in the 90s and sent it to Sonic the Comic. Nearly spat out my beer over the keyboard when I saw it online all those years later. For a while it was the number one google entry if you searched for the phrase "depressed looking dog".

28/1/2017 12:50:27 pm

I think that's a bad thing, right Dan?
However you look at it it's a pretty freaking cool anecdote, though.
Have you since come to peace with your intellectual property having been infringed upon... genuine banter or harmless beef?

I sent Gary a picture of an Xbox 360 advert I saw in Dubai - it was terribly sexist and therefore of ironic humour interest. He published it and I got no credit for it but I was happy (proud as punch) just to have helped in some small way.

Another time I took LOADS of pics at an arcade in Juan Les Pins (France) to send him. Loads of cool Sega stuff.
Anyway this EVIL woman approached me and insisted I delete them all. Seriously... I pretended I couldn't understand what she was saying and this just made her go wild. People were looking now and everything..

DELEET DELEET DELEET

I had to stand there and one-by-one delete my pics as she looked over my shoulder. A normal person would have been outraged by this and could have been forgiven for pooing on her floor as a dirty protest but, ever the gent, I stood there and laughed as I deleted them.

Once they were all deleted I gave her a big smile and held my arms open as if to say COME ON, NO HARD FEELINGS EH!
She shrugged, her eyes rolled up and she muttered something in which I assumed to be French as she walked away. But did she work there or own the place?
We'll never know.

I left grateful for the anecdote and also for not having to upload the pics when I got home. Old days internet.

29/1/2017 01:40:46 pm

Dean, yeah... unfortunately, I could fill a book with them, but it probably doesn't count if I met them in the course of my job.

30/1/2017 09:23:40 am

Fair enough, B-man. I suppose gossiping about all the people you've worked with in a professional capacity would be... poor form.

I've certainly done my bit on these here comments. I feel like I've opened a hotdog stand outside a McDonalds. Been a lot of fun, though!

27/1/2017 09:44:05 pm

Whilst I'm still hanging round down here, it's funny that Nicky's letter mentioned Hardy as by strange coincidence I had been planning to write in about him as well! I'll save that delight for next Friday.

Monkey Head

28/1/2017 03:51:45 pm

I'm very much looking forward to that and I'm guessing in not the only one.

Clarvalon

27/1/2017 09:44:08 pm

Dave Benson Phillips once scowled at me while he unloaded his van in Scarborough.

27/1/2017 11:19:37 pm

Is that the bloke off Citv, the Fun Song Factory?

27/1/2017 11:47:25 pm

This is my favourite story.

27/1/2017 11:26:48 pm

I'm very excited about the KLF possibly coming back. We could do with them pushing their message these days. Myself and a friend tried to organise a facebook campaign to encourage their return, unfortunately he had to leave facebook for self inflicted reasons and we got nowhere with it. Can anyone let me know where this rumour originated please?
I've very happy and not so distant memories of bombing up the motorway with a different friend in his sports car with Last Train To Trancentral blasting out as he accelerated.

27/1/2017 11:44:03 pm

Ok, I realise that last paragraph doesn't make sense, I'm probably overexcited.
Few celebrity sitings, long story but ended up on the celebrity bus going to the London Marathon a while back and inadvertently pinched James Craknells seat, he didn't seem made up when he came back and had to move. I ended up sat next to a Girl off wonderbra advert, Think her name was Sophie, seen her on telly since. She seemed to be looking at me wondering why i was there. Saw Chris Evans the same day as I was running, he was wearing a flat cap and standing among the general crowds.
My mate who isn't on facebook any more got me to take a picture of him with Kenny Dagliesh when we were working the door together at an event and Mr Dagliesh had to show me how to work the camera phone (they hadn't been out long), he was very gracious. Not my finest hour.
I've also met Purple Aki more times than I would have cared to, if you're from anywhere near Liverpool you'll know who he is.
Had a nice chat with Steve Collins the ex world Champion boxer a couple of years ago, he helped out our boxing club and I he was a very geniune, nice bloke. Feel like there's a fair few more somewhere in my memory but I'm tired and my brains not working.

28/1/2017 12:46:45 pm

OK Giles, settle down.

28/1/2017 07:24:37 pm

😉

28/1/2017 02:11:17 am

Saw Darren Clarke and Ian Paisley Jr. dancing awkwardly together at a Van Morrison concert. Spoke briefly to Clarke: nice guy.

And Alex Higgins spat near me once! Like, on the ground next to my foot. Glamorous, huh?

28/1/2017 10:17:46 am

Alex sounds lovely but I have this suspicion there's more to this story than you're letting on.
Had you promised to give him a tap on the head only moments before he spat?

28/1/2017 12:07:56 pm

Nah, he just stepped out of the bookies in Shaftesbury Square in Belfast and gave a hearty gob on the pavement without due regard to passersby, i.e. me. I just looked startled and walked on: he was very old and unwell looking.

28/1/2017 03:31:37 pm

Get out of it, I actually knew jamelah the small titled page 3 girl, or she used to come in the Brighton rock down West Street with her mates, but I felt like I knew her the first time I shagged one of her friends

28/1/2017 07:57:32 pm

He probably should have washed it first.

29/1/2017 10:37:57 am

I don't have much in the way of celebrity sightings, though a friend of mine once worked on a furniture removal for Marti Pellow of Wet Wet Wet.

Apparently, he had a marble bath with 'Marti' in gold lettering on it. Presumably, this was in case he forgot his name midway through his ablutions.

Potentially confusing for the new occupant though.

29/1/2017 01:38:35 pm

I'm hoping my mate Jesse turns up to tell the story about how he blocked Joan Collins' toilet with a big shit when he went to fix her computer.

29/1/2017 01:49:03 pm

I'm not sure he actually needs to now, I think you've covered most of the salient facts.

Treacle Truffle

29/1/2017 04:53:28 pm

I once saw John Malcovich on a tour of Eilean Donan Castle in the Scottish Highlands, he looked like he was finding it all jolly interesting. Saw a few famous people through work but that doesn't count. And I saw Patrick Stewart in Edinburgh, he was shorter than I expected. Also saw the Elephant Man's hat once but that's just drifting off topic.

29/1/2017 05:43:55 pm

My wife met Derren Brown at a shop she used to work in. She said she exclaimed her surprise at how short he was and he didn't mind at all and said he gets that a lot. She doesn't remember a lot after that apart from waking up in a bin. JOKE.
It's funny because you never think that magic would appeal to little people... leprechauns, fairies, pixies... Okay.
I bet he did mind, though. Poor little bugger.

You're wondering what shop, right? Well, it wasn't High & Mighty.

She also met Terry Nutkins. He's very tall, apparently.

Her favourite 2 were Sooty, Sweep & Sue (she considered this as one meet) and Gus Honeybun.
Gus remains her No.1

This didn't all occur at the same shop.

I think celebrity height is wonderful and that my interest in that area really speaks to my character. I'd love to see a chart like the ones they do for tall buildings.

29/1/2017 06:13:22 pm

Sorry, Treacle, that was supposed to have been in response to you mentioning Patrick Stewart.

I paid for my brother to meet and have a photo with him at a Star Trek Captains event at the Excel.
He was a bit stroppy and wouldn't shake hands because of his arthritis - Picard, that is.
My mate who was also present met William Shatner. He said you walked in and saw The Shatmeister General sitting on a stool, staring transfixed into a camera. He said his smile hardly moved as he mouthed "Hi", followed by a "Thank you", as you were shoved out of the way for the next pay pig.
But we all had a laugh so... you know... thespians lol.

I've not met 7 of 9 (Jeri Ryan) but know people that have. Lovely, apparently.

I've seen but not met Adam West. Holy weirder than shit, Batman! Lots of rules with him. Speaking of rules....
My mate was at a music school that was visited by Yngwie Malmsteen. No eye contact allowed. That's probably for your own benefit, though.

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