And now? And now come de letters.
If you would like to be immortalised on this page, all you must do is send your questions, comments and "that" to here: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Mr. Biffo,
Hope your eye is better now. Here is a picture of you in a cage on antibiotics.
Yeah yeah, thanks, Albert Square. That's really kind of you, No really. Thanks, yeah?
With all this talk of No Man's Sky and the hype and disappointment.. .there is one question you haven't answered.
Elite Dangerous or No Man's Sky: which one is the better experience? Also will you be opening more otter lick caves?
William Trelane the Humble Baron
I've noticed that the backdrop of your site is not quite black and it contains some sort of pixelated, mystical image. What is this image?
Of course, I am expecting some sort of surreal, reveal-o whimiscal response, perhaps a shitting baby/dog/focks/swan, but maybe I can bluff you into some sort of honest response, but maybe I can't. Who knows? Also, why do I care enough to bother writing this "letter"? Am I that sad?
I'm afraid I'm writing to complain. As a frequent user of Facebook and Twitter I've become accustomed to terrible grammar, spelling (which is strange given that every device comes with a spellchecking ability) and unnecessarily abbreviated text which was born out of an era whereby text messages were 10p a pop.
With all that in mind how DARE YOU run a site containing articles which fail to contain grammatical disasters, spelling atrocities or 1000 word paragraphs.
15 years shaking off everything I learnt in GCSE English will have been a total waste of time if you're going to start filling the web with logically constructed and well presented prose. F@ck you.
Your recent piece discussing how much one should play a game prior to making a decision about liking it got me thinking a bit.
One of my bugbears about the recent “British Exit” debate was the oft-repeated saw that Joe Public didn’t have enough “facts” to decide which way to vote.
This painted the picture of the elector with the “tabula rasa” mind - after being fed all the facts (like inputting data into a computer), they would dispassionately tally the data presented by both sides and logically come to a conclusion and vote appropriately.
Whilst this may hold true for a minority, most people would have voted based on their “gut” - heart before head, or whatever you call it. My white working class provincial Daily Mail reading dad (not a xenophobic or racist cell in his body, but takes the Dacre press at face value) was going to vote Leave even if Cameron promised a gold ingot for every Remain voter - because in his heart he believed that voting out was the right thing to do.
Equally, there are no prizes for guessing which way my diverse west London media friends voted - again you could toss facts at them all day and all night and they weren’t going to shift. The vast majority of people have a self-defined image (as a proud patriot, or an open-minded liberal, or whatever) and will act to confirm this self-image regardless of the objective “cold hard facts”.
It's the same with video games. Most people know, within seconds of picking up a controller, whether they like the game or not. The “ethics of games journalism” people may think you need to play for 12 hours and assign scores for graphics, sounds etc and summate them to form a numeric objective assessment - this is wrong and just not how the human mind works.
I mean, that tabula rasa stuff is about 500 years old. Concepts of epistemology and the philosophy/psychology of science and critical thought have moved on greatly since then.
I knew within 10 seconds of clapping eyes on a Street Fighter II cabinet that is was going to be one of my favourite games ever. I didn’t need to play every character or every mode to know that.
Also do you remember 80s/90s game mag ACE? They used to award game scores out of 1000 instead of the standard percentage. I liked the way they thought this could differentiate games in more granular way.
“Hang on you gave Kick Off 2 and F19 Stealth Fighter both 93%?!?! How are our readers meant to know which is the better game?!? We gave them 934 and 936 respectively."
Has reading the reviews for anything you've created (e.g. Pudsey the Movie) had any effect on your approach to reviewing games?
MY FRIEND SAMMY LIKED HER PICTURE OF A BEE LAST WEEK MATE THANKS A LOT MR BIFFO.
BUT SHE TOLD ME TO STOP TROLLING HER. I AM NOT TROLLING HER I AM BEING THE BEST FRIEND A VEGAN COULD WANT. I HAVE WROTE HER A POEM:
SAMMY YOU ARE A WHAMMY
YOU HAVE A *****
YEAH YEAH YEAH
BEE MOVIE IS A GOOD FILM
IF YOU COULD PRINT THAT SHE WOULD LOVE IT, MATE.
Ages ago, I remember having a dream about being a Xenomorph and sneaking up on my school PE teacher after playing Aliens Versus Predator earlier that night. Have you had dreams about being in games that you can recall?
Do you have any thoughts on the Skool Daze remake? Which gameworld do you most miss, or would most like to return to? What was your favourite acting performance in a computer game?
Hypothetical: what if during the 16 Bit era, add-ons had actually caught on and Sega led the market with the Mega Drive, Mega CD, 32X, what else could they have bolted on to it and what would they be called?
Dear Mr T,
I wonder if you could help me. My brother-in-law insists that aubergines and avocados are the same thing, but I insist they're not. Is there an easy way to clear this up?
I'm afraid there's no quick and easy solution to this one, Mr Pulpit. It's a common mistake to make. Just be glad that you don't have to keep a constant vigil on your bins like some of us. Speaking of which, if I EVER see you CONSTRUCTING a giant CENTRIFUGE around my BINS, and spinning them AT a high VELOCITY I will not BE responsible for the judgement I MAKE.