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THE DIGITISER2000 FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

19/8/2016

11 Comments

 
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Sadly (for you) tickets to Block Party 2016: The Teletext and Digitiser Festival are now sold out. We may get returns - so drop us an email if you'd like to be added to the list. We'll hopefully be filming the event, so those who aren't able to be there will get the chance to see what the fuss is all about.

And now? And now come de letters.

If you would like to be immortalised on this page, all you must do is send your questions, comments and "that" to here: 
digitiser2000@gmail.com
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​RADIOHEAD

Dear Mr. Biffo,

Hope your eye is better now. Here is a picture of you in a cage on antibiotics.

Love,
David Walford

Yeah yeah, thanks, Albert Square. That's really kind of you, No really. Thanks, yeah?

RADIOBREAD
With all this talk of No Man's Sky and the hype and disappointment.. .there is one question you haven't answered.

Elite Dangerous or No Man's Sky: which one is the better experience? Also will you be opening more otter lick caves?
William Trelane the Humble Baron
Elite - Dangerous or otherwise - has never been my bag. That's why I like NMS: it feels like an Elite that I can actually play. Albeit not with other people, apparently, and because they took out all the more complex stuff. Also, there is only one Otter Lick Cave in all of creation... AND YOU'RE BARRED.
BRADY O'HEAD
I've noticed that the backdrop of your site is not quite black and it contains some sort of pixelated, mystical image. What is this image?

​Of course, I am expecting some sort of surreal, reveal-o whimiscal response, perhaps a shitting baby/dog/focks/swan, but maybe I can bluff you into some sort of honest response, but maybe I can't. Who knows? Also, why do I care enough to bother writing this "letter"? Am I that sad?
Scott C
You're right. You are sad, and our backdrop isn't full black. Press reveal to see the mystery image in sharper detail. 
REVEAL:
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HEAD-O-MATIC
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I suppose you think you're pretty clever for creating some teletext art. Well let me burst that bubble for you: it's so easy even an idiot could do it.
MATIC ATTACK
I'm afraid I'm writing to complain. As a frequent user of Facebook and Twitter I've become accustomed to terrible grammar, spelling (which is strange given that every device comes with a spellchecking ability) and unnecessarily abbreviated text which was born out of an era whereby text messages were 10p a pop.

With all that in mind how DARE YOU run a site containing articles which fail to contain grammatical disasters, spelling atrocities or 1000 word paragraphs.

15 years shaking off everything I learnt in GCSE English will have been a total waste of time if you're going to start filling the web with logically constructed and well presented prose. F@ck you.
Dan
Is this meant to be sarcastic? Digitiser is regularly riddled with typos. I read most of my articles twice after writing, and then my other half reads it twice... and still our readers Mr PSB or John Veness contact us to say we've missed some. 
A TAXI
Your recent piece discussing how much one should play a game prior to making a decision about liking it got me thinking a bit.

One of my bugbears about the recent “British Exit” debate was the oft-repeated saw that Joe Public didn’t have enough “facts” to decide which way to vote.

This painted the picture of the elector with the “tabula rasa” mind - after being fed all the facts (like inputting data into a computer), they would dispassionately tally the data presented by both sides and logically come to a conclusion and vote appropriately.

Whilst this may hold true for a minority, most people would have voted based on their “gut” - heart before head, or whatever you call it. My white working class provincial Daily Mail reading dad (not a xenophobic or racist cell in his body, but takes the Dacre press at face value) was going to vote Leave even if Cameron promised a gold ingot for every Remain voter - because in his heart he believed that voting out was the right thing to do.

Equally, there are no prizes for guessing which way my diverse west London media friends voted - again you could toss facts at them all day and all night and they weren’t going to shift. The vast majority of people have a self-defined image (as a proud patriot, or an open-minded liberal, or whatever) and will act to confirm this self-image regardless of the objective “cold hard facts”.

It's the same with video games. Most people know, within seconds of picking up a controller, whether they like the game or not. The “ethics of games journalism” people may think you need to play for 12 hours and assign scores for graphics, sounds etc and summate them to form a numeric objective assessment - this is wrong and just not how the human mind works.

I mean, that tabula rasa stuff is about 500 years old. Concepts of epistemology and the philosophy/psychology of science and critical thought have moved on greatly since then.

I knew within 10 seconds of clapping eyes on a Street Fighter II cabinet that is was going to be one of my favourite games ever. I didn’t need to play every character or every mode to know that.

Also do you remember 80s/90s game mag ACE? They used to award game scores out of 1000 instead of the standard percentage. I liked the way they thought this could differentiate games in more granular way.

“Hang on you gave Kick Off 2 and F19 Stealth Fighter both 93%?!?! How are our readers meant to know which is the better game?!? We gave them 934 and 936 respectively."
Chomboss Wankuss
Well... that was a big old letter.
AXIOM
Has reading the reviews for anything you've created (e.g. Pudsey the Movie) had any effect on your approach to reviewing games?
Dex
In short: no. I've not had that many reviews - the joy of writing in kids TV is that I get to stay beneath the radar. It's part of why I retreated there after my Internet "troubles" some years ago. I mean, being on the receiving end of the Pudsey battering didn't really bother me. The sheer level of vitriol made it funny, more than anything. If you put stuff out there, you've got to expect that not everyone is going to like it. So long as the criticism doesn't get personal...
OM OM OM
MY FRIEND SAMMY LIKED HER PICTURE OF A BEE LAST WEEK MATE THANKS A LOT MR BIFFO.

BUT SHE TOLD ME TO STOP TROLLING HER. I AM NOT TROLLING HER I AM BEING THE BEST FRIEND A VEGAN COULD WANT. I HAVE WROTE HER A POEM:

SAMMY YOU ARE A WHAMMY
YOU HAVE A *****
PROBABLY
YEAH YEAH YEAH
BEE MOVIE IS A GOOD FILM


IF YOU COULD PRINT THAT SHE WOULD LOVE IT, MATE.
Alistair Foster
Alright. Enough hating on Samuel. I even censored your letter this time, Carlsberg.
OM BONGO
Ages ago, I remember having a dream about being a Xenomorph and sneaking up on my school PE teacher after playing Aliens Versus Predator earlier that night. Have you had dreams about being in games that you can recall?
Stuart Lindsay
Yeah, one very vivid nightmare many years ago about Castle Master, of all things. I've also had several dreams about Aliens. And one about your father - Robert Lindsay.
BUM ONGO
Do you have any thoughts on the Skool Daze remake? Which gameworld do you most miss, or would most like to return to? What was your favourite acting performance in a computer game?
John Whyte
I can't say I'm hugely familiar with the Skool Daze remake, but the other day I saw some footage of what I assume it to be. Nice and all that, but I do prefer the old style visuals. Now I get why everyone wants me to stay in the past with the teletext graphics on here. Press reveal for some more of them.
REVEAL:
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THEY DRINK IT IN THE DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF THE CONGO
Hypothetical: what if during the 16 Bit era, add-ons had actually caught on and Sega led the market with the Mega Drive, Mega CD, 32X, what else could they have bolted on to it and what would they be called?
Glyn Heaviside
Even as a hypothetical, it's impossible to imagine. The catastrophic spiral of self-destruction Sega was on back them blots out any opportunity to speculate on what they might've done. But I suppose they could've released a sort of special umbrella called a Clackston.
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MR T'S PROBLEM PAGE

Dear Mr T,
I wonder if you could help me. My brother-in-law insists that aubergines and avocados are the same thing, but I insist they're not. Is there an easy way to clear this up?

Hermes Pulpit

I'm afraid there's no quick and easy solution to this one, Mr Pulpit. It's a common mistake to make. Just be glad that you don't have to keep a constant vigil on your bins like some of us. Speaking of which, if I EVER see you CONSTRUCTING a giant CENTRIFUGE around my BINS, and spinning them AT a high VELOCITY I will not BE responsible for the judgement I MAKE.

11 Comments
Neil Kirby
19/8/2016 10:54:02 am

In irony of irony news, I used to laugh at Mr T. and his bin-related troubles. But just recently, I've noticed that people have been dumping THEIR rubbish in OUR BIN.

It's happened every week for the last month, and I have no idea what to do about it. Aside from tipping it out on the street in a rage (done) and setting up a surveillance camera to see which of our neighbours is doing it (not done... yet).

Reply
RichardM
19/8/2016 11:18:47 am

You should hide in your bin until the miscreant comes to deposit their leavings, then emerge smattered with filth and shouting obscenities at them. They'll probably do a brown in their trousers and never dare approach your bin again... or maybe return later to dispose of their ruined plus-fours. Either way, a moral victory on your part.

Reply
CrispyF
19/8/2016 08:32:25 pm

High tech surveillance equipment for sure. You need to know exactly who is doing it. Then shame them with some passive aggressive notes left on your bin warding them off. Then, if nothing changes, take out some of what they put in, bag it up for a couple of months, and then dump it ALL in their front garden.
Then set fire to it.

Reply
Scott C
19/8/2016 09:25:46 pm

I'd recommend dumping a dead body in the bin. That way I guarantee they won't go near it again (particularly if it is their own lifeless, mutilated body). Boom, done.

Reply
David W
20/8/2016 09:28:22 am

The store used to offer one Mr. T bin sticker free with each purchase. Perhaps they could return by popular demand?

Reply
Smartaces link
20/8/2016 09:18:47 pm

Smear the entirety of the lid and outer rim in your own shit. Guaranteed once they get your Mississippi mud pie on their hands they won't do it again.

Reply
Dan link
20/8/2016 10:35:34 am

I would visit a Germolene restaurant.

Probably wouldn't buy anything, but still...

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Felix
20/8/2016 05:18:46 pm

What is the name of the site were folk can "do" their own Teletext art?

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Albert Square link
20/8/2016 05:30:45 pm

The site is:

http://edit.tf

Reply
robojamie link
20/8/2016 09:19:05 pm

I am stupidly impressed at how perfectly Soup! Bisque! Chowder! Broth! Bouillon! fits in all of the available character space in a single line of teletext.

Reply
Damon link
21/8/2016 01:38:34 pm

Hey a Kelly Vivanco fan! Cool! Patches was awesome... I do like her paintings though.

Reply



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