THE DIGITISER2000 FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

Here is a list of the things you must know:

If you wish to meet Mr Biffo, you can do so on the Saturday of this splendid event.
If you wish to send us money you can do that here.
If you wish to send us an email you must do that here: digitiser2000@gmail.com

And now? And now you must prepare for the inevitable Digitiser2000 Friday letters page!

PROCESS
What does the creative process behind Digi2000 look like, Mr B? Do you write, proof and post the articles as they happen? Maybe you store a few up in your sweaty puff jacket before throwing them up there? Or is it a 'bit of both'?

Thanks! I mean it!
Richard Morrison

Believe it or not there is a degree of proofff-reeding. I read it back at least twice - once before I publish, then once after. Then my significant other reads it for me. We still miss stuff, though. We're only human. Stop judging us. STOP JUDGING US. But it drives me mental. I hate typos, especially in the middle of an intended funny.

​Generally, I put stuff up as I write it. Much as I want to, I do think it's part of why I'd struggle to write a book - I love the kind of instant feedback/gratification I get with Digi. Again, I'm only human. Stop judging me. But I'm no good at waiting. Although: I've got tons of articles in half-written draft form, which I sometimes return to, if inspiration is running dry.

Don't ask me about the actual creative side of it. I've no idea where most of it comes from. I try and always write on here from a kind of honest place - so if it's an opinion, it's one I believe, rather than one I've dredged up to provoke a reaction. If it's a funneee... it's because it's an idea that makes me laugh, first and foremost. My other half always says I laugh hardest at my own jokes... but... y'know. So what? Who writes "jokes" that they don't even find funny?

Sometimes I look up stuff online looking for inspiration, I'll trawl Google images for a spark of something, or read the games sites... Sometimes I think of ideas while I'm drifting off to sleep, and then write them as soon as I wake up.

I'm also writing around my day job. I'm terrible for focusing on just one thing at a time. I flit back and forth between Digi and whatever script I'm writing. Ironically, the more work I have on, the more I tend to procrastinate on Digi. I dunno why that is. Maybe I'm a bit mental. STOP JUDGING ME.

PROGRESS
I worked overseas in the Middle East for a construction firm last year and quite fancied myself as a Paul Atreides type, working with the local Fremen equivalents. After a few months I realised, in this Herbetian conceit, that we were more like the insidious Harkonens!

So my question is: in the Dune 2 computer game (a C&C predecessor) there was House Ordos too. Ordos were a sneaky House; with building-blowing saboteurs and green gas firing tanks that made enemies switch allegiance. That being said, are you familiar with the Chinese world creation myth of Pangu? Thanks!
Marc Booth

If you wrote this letter just to get a reveal-oh of Pingu... your strategy has worked. Do it!

REVEAL:

PRO-GRUSS
There seems to be a lot of confusion regards the Xbox One S & the Bond Villain edition. Scorpio sounds like an antagonist of 007 right?

Seems pretty clear to me that the One S is a revision of the existing model with 4k output of video playback and the Scorupco does 4k native output. Hence chief Xbox talking head Phil Wossname's assertion that it's not the console for 1080p players. He's right. Sure, it might be perceived as a PR gaffe, but his honesty is refreshing. 

The punter that has a 4k TV will be best placed to shell out for a new model Xbox One Scorpions that outputs the Winds Of Change on a constant loop in glorious 4k resolution, perhaps via a bundled Oculus Rift headset. 

They'll probably already have the headset by then anyway. For those of us not likely to buy a 4k set until our current TV breaks, it's business as usual. Nothing to see here, move along. Anyway, Dangerous Golf isn't going to play itself. Super duper new console iterations or not.
​Ian Thompson

But everyone is so confused! One person says something, someone says something else, Wossname comes in to correct everyone, and simply muddies the waters further. I literally don't know what the differences will be between S and Scorpio - because, if they're both 4K, and play the same games, then... huh? Wossname... you have messed up.

WHY BRASS?
I know writer/director, Alex Garland won the (old) Digitiser Brown Trumpet award. Does that mean you've met him? Was there a physical award? And does he, As I've often though, end every sentence with "you c@nt"?
Willie Noodle

Er... yeah. We've been mates for years, so it's a bit weird to write about it. Also, I owe him a phone call, and this has just reminded me what a terrible person/friend I am. He's the only kind-of-famous friend I have, incidentally. I'm not one of those.

If I remember... the Brown Trumpet award was a load of crap old games that we didn't want anymore. We kept them in a cupboard. Lots of edutainment titles. Rubbish like that.

​NO BRAS!
This morning, I found out that the etymology of Europe is ‘wide face’ – that’s what it literally meant in ancient Greek. That got me thinking what the literal meanings of some other important thing in my life besides ‘topical places I sort of live in’. 

Take Call Of Duty, for instance. ‘Call’ is from the Norse root ‘kalla’, meaning to summon loudly, ‘of' is ‘of', while ‘duty’ is from the Anglo-Norman French word ‘duete’, which means ‘to owe’.

​Call of Duty, then, actually means Loud Summoning of Things You Owe. If you were to DELIBERATELY swallow a time-bean, and find yourself back in the old century, no one would know what you meant if you asked if anyone wanted a game of Call of Duty. Only when you asked to compete at Loud Summoning of Things You Owe might King Bronk direct his courtiers to set up the PlayStation.

I worry what might happen if you ACCIDENTALLY swallowed a time-bean and found yourself without the etymological education to make yourself understood. At best you might get laughed out of court, at worst you’d have to buy your way out with blowjobs. 
Dan, Lichfield

As letters go, this is probably the most philosophical and thoughtful they've ever gotten. And I'm talking about all letters, ever, incidentally.

BRAS EYE
​Hi, my name is... I forget. Isn't it odd and somewhat convenient that all the mutants in the X-Men films have abilities advantageous to battle?

How come there aren't any ones with mundane powers like farts smelling like cinnamon, bleeding radiators with their mind, or being able to cook the exact amount of rice required? (PS. This one took even less time to write than the last.)
​Peter Glass

Of course, real "X-Men" wouldn't have powers at all. They'd be very, very sick people. Now would you care to press reveal to see your dream X-Men team?

REVEAL:

EYE SPY
Is it still considered a death threat if I say I'll off myself if No Mans Sky isn't out soon?
Euphemia

I don't know about that, but I'm always interested by this: is it cannibalism if you eat yourself? Also, is it cannibalism and/or illegal if you remove part of yourself - say a couple of fingers - and fry it up with some onions, and serve it to your friends for dinner, with everyone's consent?

Also, what if you opened a restaurant where you only served up things that your body produced, and was able to replenish naturally: like hair, fingernails, sleepy dust from your eyes, saliva, blood, etc.? Would that be allowed? I love Hispanics!

MAN DIARY - FRIDAY JUNE 17th 2016
I've got a new job as the owner of a restaurant where I serve up parts of my own body - like hair, fingernails, sleepy dust from your eyes, saliva, blood, etc.

Sadly, the only customer we've had through our doors is me. Even I'll admit that there are few more tragic sights than a grown man sitting in an empty restaurant, which he purchased with his entire life savings, eating a bowl containing his own hair and fingernails.

I'm also wondering whether the name of the restaurant might be discouraging potential custom. It's called "Bod-Parts for Sod-Farts".

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