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THE DIGITISER2000 FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

24/3/2017

20 Comments

 
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READ THIS: there'll be no Digitiser2000 on Monday. Try not to cry about this, you big, fat, baby. Even I need a long weekend away sometimes. Where am I going? Why, to Bellend's Holiday Camp... in the village of Peans, of course!

Still, here's a bumper Digitiser2000 Friday Letters Page to tide you over until Tuesday. It truly is the "post" with the "most", the "mail" with the "pail", the "correspondence" with the "borrespondence" and so on and so forth.

From next week, we'll be giving away 100 or so of the above Xenoxxx Industries stickers, as featured in the upcoming series of Mr Biffo's Found Footage. For the cost of postage and packaging only we'll send you two stickers free of charge while stocks last! All that we ask in return is that you shove one of your stickers somewhere (mostly legal) that might confuse and bewilder members of the public (and send us a photo of it).

​Anyhow, if you would like to appear on next week's page, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone - please send your emails for next week to this place here: 
digitiser2000@gmail.com
GAMING MILL'S LETTER
I have the phone number of Nicky Campbell. I know that sounds odd, but we have actually spoken a few times - it all comes from the time that he did that programme with David Brent (I meant the magician bloke, but I can't remember his name right now).

He only lives about nine miles from me in one of his houses, same sort of distance that one of my sisters does. Never visited.

I'm going to go and drink some vodka now with my imaginary wife whilst watching On The Buses that my excellent Corrupt Uncle 'lended me'. She wants to play World Of Goo, but I might have misheard her.

I am fit and strong and that is all.
Gaming Mill

​PS. On The Buses is shite.
No offence, Gaming Mill - we love getting your letters, we really do - but even by your standards, that was spectacularly random load of bollocking old guff.
SERIOUS LETTER
I'm going to be a dad soon. For that I cannot wait. At the moment my home life is the best part of me, and I see finally becoming a father only making home time better, worth working for with more resilience, perspective and patience. This is good.

I'm also getting married, to a girl I love so much that even though I swore I'd never believe in marriage I was happy to break an oath in admitting that I wanted to swear my love to her, through a kind of counter-oath I guess... Everything is, and should be, good.

But today, apparently because of something as small as a meeting in work, but really for no reason I could coldly discern, I broke down in tears for half an hour whilst I was talking with my boss. I've tried to account for it, and I get that there's more pressure now on my work life in knowing I'll be supporting one more life, and all of that. But in a time when I was hoping to (and am expected to) deposit more strength I was utterly withdrawn. Words can make this prettier, but it honestly was not at the time - and still is not now.

You have written about the challenges of new parenthood, and undoubtedly many of your readers are parents too, I just wanted to ask is this kind of searing emotional crumble, seemingly indirect from the joy of having a child, something commonplace?

Also, my plan is to get the new Zelda on Wii U for my birthday in mid-June with the hope of completing it before early September when my son / daughter comes.

One day I'll write you a letter unmolested by morbidity, but on that day I'll hopefully be too happy to remember the time to write.
Marc .
We're all different, and I certainly wouldn't want to diagnose you, or try to second-guess what you're going through. When I became a dad I was 18 (I turned 19 two weeks later - not that it makes much of a difference). My response to that news was to just push down the sheer shock of it, and the impact it had on my life, and "do the right thing".

Not that an alternative ever came into my head, but y'know. I wanted to prove to everyone that despite my age I could be a good and responsible dad. Plus, even at 18, I already kind of wanted to be one (although maybe not quite so soon). Being a dad feels more natural and rewarding to me than anything else I've ever done, so... I can only really comment on how it affected me. Which is going to be different to how it might affect someone else. I dunno.

Here's a funny thing: when I broke the news of my impending parenthood to my colleagues at work, one of them literally said the words "Do the right thing". That colleague? He later became Statto on TV's Fantasy Football. True story. On another occasion, I saw him pretend to be startled by a Christmas cracker, and fall off a chair.

Bottling stuff up is rarely useful though; sooner or later you have to deal with it, or it comes out in ways which aren't healthy or unhelpful. If you are struggling... don't just struggle on. Speak to somebody about it. I mean - the sheer fact you're writing to me suggests you've got stuff you need to unload. And I'm not Claire Rayner, alas.

​Although.... she used to live near me. Someone once told me that she wasn't very nice. I digress.

I hope things get better for you, Marc. Best of luck completing Zelda in two months, though. It's MASSIVE.
FOUND FREEDOM
What is your opinion on writers having complete creative freedom, particularly in television? While it obviously sounds like a good idea, I'd say that sometimes having some limits encourages greater creativity and prevents programmes becoming too self-referential.

​For example, I always preferred TMWRNJ more than Fist of Fun and I think it's at least in part due to them working around the restrictions of Sunday afternoon TV. I'd appreciate the thoughts of someone who actually does this for a living, though.

Did you ever play El Shaddai? I think that it had some of the best art direction of any game I have ever seen. The gameplay wasn't especially good (although not terrible) and if a sequel was made by Platinum games it would be a classic.
John Whyte
I see now. I see, John Whyte... funny you should ask this question about creative freedom just as I launch Mr Biffo's Found Footage. I SEE...

It depends entirely on who it is, I think. Sometimes it's a good thing - if the creator is talented and has a vision that would be otherwise watered down or compromised with input from others. Other times... if that creator is a bit rubbish, then it might result in work that is rubbish. I find that it doesn't always help to shut yourself off from all suggestions and input, though. Why turn your back on a good idea just because it isn't yours?

I do believe that sometimes people need collaboration to bring out the best in them, though. Whether it's a lack of self-belief, or whatever... a good producer or script editor can unlock potential in a writer, providing they trust a writer/creator's voice, and don't trample all over them, or just use that writer as a tool to their own ends.

I've no issue with stuff being self-referential and indulgent, however. To one extent or another, any creative endeavour is that. I mean, heck - that's what life is. Nothing is entirely selfless, and it does always rankle with me when things are criticised for being self-indulgent. At least then the work is being honest and coming from a place of truth. If you want to get really wanky about it, if you're creating "art", it has to be self-referential, or it's just going to ring hollow.

Why shouldn't someone indulge themselves by creating something they want to watch, play, read, or hear? Nobody has a go at a kid who makes a Lego house, to accuse them of being self-indulgent.

That said, 4 O'Clock Club - one of the shows I write for CBBC - is very much a team effort, and all the better for it, I think. It's a unique combination of input from several different people. It started as an idea from the comedian and rapper Doc Brown, I was brought in and added elements from my own life experiences, and executive producer Connal Orton steered the ship and helped set the tone.

Something I did look for on Found Footage, however, was a framework. With Biffovision it was obviously kids TV, and I wanted that sort of a framework with this. Why did it exist, beyond being a random assortment of stupid sketch-like things? If you set rules, it then allows you to break them and surprise people.

ATTENTION: No, I have not seen El Shaddai! 
THINGS OVER SCOTLAND
Are you aware that former Digi columnist Stuart Campbell is now one of the most influential, notorious and controversial political bloggers in Scotland? For someone who used to read Digi religiously it's a bit weird.
Jim Murphy
Stuart and I still communicate, mostly via Twitter. So yes - how could I miss this fact? I can't say I have a particularly strong opinion on what he does now, but we know each other from old and I can only really base my opinion of him on the person I knew first-hand. I get that he's controversial, and can put noses out of joint online, but - from my experience of him as a person - I always liked him immensely.
DESPERADO
I've never felt the need to write to you before, but you said you were desperate so I'll do my best.

First of all, I'm loving Found Footage. I've been humming Wozniak for weeks now much to other people's chagrin. I am confident my Kickstarter money has been well invested in a lasting legacy of things that will make me laugh.

Erm so... my wife says I can't buy a Nintendo Switch as "theres that advert where it looks like they're wanking off giants in a pub". I have no intention of ever doing that, I just want to play Zelda. Should I divorce her? 

​Keep up the good work.
Joseph Higgens
I wasn't that desperate, Henry.
MC HAMMER
I sometimes wish I was a hammer. Which household object would you sometimes like to be?
A Passing Drunk
Well, now that you ask... a nail... Hell-oh!
ROTTEN TOMATO
Have you seen the Greasy Strangler? I watched it recently and thought you probably wrote it.
Rob Latham-Jenkins
I haven't seen it yet. But I do intend to. You know the sort of film I'd really like to make though? Something like Son of Rambo, Sing Street or Hunt For The Wilderpeople. Also, What We Do In The Shadows by the same director as Wilderpeople, Taika Waititi.

​Who's doing the next Thor movie, of all things.

"Taika Waititi."

"Thanks for the offer - but I had one before I left."
MEMORY MAN
I'm writing about my first gaming memory because I watched a trailer today for a remake of the very game that introduced me to the world of games. That game was Wonder Boy 3 on the Master System, I think I may have been about 5 or 6 at the time. I thought it was such a great game and I hope when I get the remake next month that my memory isn't sullied. The art style does looks very good and it's a nice touch that they have added an 8bit option. 
​
What was your first gaming memory Biffo and was said game ever remade?
​
Also I finished Titanfall 2 after your recommendation and enjoyed it very much.
Niall the Wondering Boy
Very happy you liked Titanfall 2. It's criminal that it isn't one of this year's biggest games. You could say you "hit the Niall" on the head...!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

​My first gaming memory was probably finding a TV games console in the cupboard, 
which my mother told me was a gift for my sisters. Though to the best of my recollection, they never received it - and thus I never saw it out of the box. I'm still confused over that to this day, and my parents deny all knowledge of it.

The family did get a Binatone "TV game" however, and that was the first time I can remember actually playing a game. And it was a Pong-type thing. So, it was remade in all sorts of ways, I guess.
DICK RICKINSON REMEMBERED
​
With your Sinclair listicle still fresh in the minds of those who are literate enough to read your pages, I think it may well be worth reminding you that the designer of the Spectrum, and indeed Sinclair's other hardware, has a Flickr account.

​And what a treasure trove of delight it is too.

Here is Rick Dickinson's ZX80/81 gallery: https://flickr.com/photos/9574086@N02/sets/72157601627816164

And the Spectrum development one is wonderful:
https://flickr.com/photos/9574086@N02/sets/72157600607571866

I love these. The sketching, real cutting and pasting. No CGI here - I get the feeling that he got his hand dirty carving clay, or wax, or foam to try out shapes.

These are truly a delight to look through. While I've never really been a fan of the capabilities of the Spectrum, the hardware has always appealed: small, nicely executed, and with a unique aesthetic. It makes me appreciate the Sinclair computers I have more. Maybe I should put them in box frames instead of keeping them in a cupboard.

Oh, yes. Let's not forget the Z88 (like Biffo did): https://flickr.com/photos/9574086@N02/sets/72157600856913881 (I actually found the Z88 to be a very useful machine - probably the most useful thing I ever bought from the Sinclair stable).

Let's also not forget the QL, Sinclair's other folly: https://flickr.com/photos/9574086@N02/sets/72157600854938578

Enjoy this glimpse at history though the eyes of the man who styled the hardware.
Paul
I really enjoyed those galleries, and yes yes... I ignored the Z88. Much like everyone at the time, apart from you.
TITLE
Also, can you change the font in your site from Arial to Helvetica? Arial is horrible, and the uppercase R really upsets me.
Paul.
RRRRRRRRRRRReveal:
REVEAL:
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BOARD OF TALKING ABOUT IT
So, this week has been very hectic and fraught at work so, naturally, I've been trying to avoid doing as much work as possible by holding long and rambling email conversations with a work colleague. Two of the richest seams of conversation revolved around strangling swans and racism in board games. 

The latter was mostly laughing glibly about how board games with historical colonial settings tend to gloss over the use of slave labour, and referring to the little brown tokens as "workers", without being wholly up front about what actually was going on back then. 

But then, more importantly, we got on to strangling swans. The best idea was to tie a swan to the front of a shopping trolley full of bottles of white spirits, petrol and lit fireworks. The whole shebang could be pushed into an orphanage before it went off for extra laughs.

And a single 'lead' firework could be strung around the swans neck causing decapitation at the crucial moment and providing a last minute spray of colour for all involved. I admit that this is not strictly "strangulation", but surely the end result would be worth the deviation?

So, your question is either a) What is the best way to off a swan, in your opinion, or b) What is the most racially insensitive board game you have ever played?

Love you byeeeeee.
Dansk
I don't think I know of any racially insensitive board games, except for chess. But then, I do find most board games a bit dull. Though I do like card games. Specifically throwing a handful of playing cards hard at an beggar's face, and telling him to pick them up.

Why are people so scared of swans? Are they really that dangerous, or are they just scary because they're a bit lairy? If you really had to take one down you'd just have to go for its neck surely? How hard can it be to snap one of those? It's just a feathery pipe, guarded by a beak.

The worst they're going to do is give you a bit of a nip. They're not crocodiles. Or Cerberus.

Or, y'know... if you're not into neck-snapping, just kick it in the face or throw a brick at it or something.
CONTENTS EXPERIENCE
Dear Reginald. Now that you have more experience with video as a result of Found Footage, do you think it likely that you'll have another go at producing Digitiser-themed video content after you're done with it? I'm not necessarily talking about Let's Plays but maybe if you get a bee in your bonnet about, say, neo-Nazi YouTubers, you might unleash in a comedic yelling manner, or maybe do video reviews of games.

It might be that you absolutely prefer the written word for that sort of thing and, frankly, having looked at the two pitiful examples I've barfed onto the page, I think I may have just invalidated my entire letter.
Verdant Copse, London
Hmm. I'm not sure about doing YouTube-y rants. The opinion-type videos I did on the Digitiser2000 channel were never that popular, and people made it quite clear that they wanted me to stick to writing. Also, to make them worthwhile I think they need to be fairly regular, and that would mean taking my attention away from this site. 

Never say never though. I have started thinking about what to do after Found Footage is finished. I mean, I've loved doing it - I love the editing, and the creativity required. I like making video stuff very much. I did wonder about maybe doing something that was weekly, and a bit more topical and reactive, but more comedy than opinion.

​But I'm not sure what yet... and whether it would even be possible to do that at the same time as Digi2000. Also: how best to fund it.

Suggestions on a postcard pliss (in the comments below).

GOODBYE FOREVER!
20 Comments
Paul
24/3/2017 08:46:34 am

The photography technician at Uni had a Z88 too.

Reply
Rhys
24/3/2017 09:16:05 am

Pah. NC100's the machine the Z88 should've been. All hail Lord Sugar.

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DEAN
24/3/2017 09:16:41 am

"It's just a feathery pipe, guarded by a beak."
That's made my day!

Have a good one, Mr Biffo :O)

Reply
DEAN
24/3/2017 09:40:34 am

John Whyte -

Congratulations!

I'm a father of at least 2 and I'd like to share with some stuff:

1 - Kids are funny.
They have a better sense of humour than most grown-ups; they just get ideas that most proper people would pull an unpleasant face over.
My daughter in particular is hilarious. She used to love reading jokes to people out of her 'Justin's Jokebook' and she would just relentlessly tell them one after another in a deadpan voice. I would inevitably start flailing about like she'd fired a taser at me and left her hand on the trigger.
We both enjoyed this immensely and she started writing her own jokes that were all kinds of brilliant -

Q "Why did the pig eat the farmer?"
A "Because the farmer ate the pig".

2 - Kids like video games.
Enjoy being able to thrash them at Mario Kart or whathaveyou or patronisingly let them win because it doesn't last.
My 8 year old son is now better at me than most games and I feel that my reign (of terror) has come to an end. I must now wonder off into the wilderness. Probably to die.
Also, he makes me feel old and stupid. He traverses PS4 menus at a speed I can't comprehend. I plod through them like a diseased rhino.

3 - They make great pets.
Sure you have to feed them, walk them and clean up after them but the big pay off is that they out live you.
I look at it like owning a screeching tortoise.

Good luck to you both!

Reply
Kara Van Park
24/3/2017 10:48:31 am

By startling coincidence, Nicky Campbell walked past me on the platform at Preston train station.

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Alastair
24/3/2017 11:19:10 am

That's a great Flickr feed, if nothing else Sinclair machines looked fantastic.

Reply
RG
24/3/2017 11:32:30 am

By startling coincidence, I walked past Preston train station in platforms while ringing a camp bell...

Reply
neptunium
24/3/2017 12:38:46 pm

I used to love Stewart Camp-bell, he's like the original Katie Hopkins - a professional troll who you suspect got aroused by making people buzz with anger, but unlike Hoppo he had some redeeming features like rabidly defending his love for Ridge Racer on Usenet when puffy jackets all preferred Gran Turismo. I guess looking back it's no surprise that he decided to start trolling the general populace now gaming journalism is purely done by soulless robots online somewhere in teh matrox.

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Bruce Flagpole
24/3/2017 01:21:35 pm

FYI, I would always choose written articles over videos if it came to a choice. This is partly cos I'm old and set in my ways and watching people screeching on the youtubes seems a bit odd still...but mostly cos I fit my digi reading in at work, where as long as i remember to occasionally tap the keyboard and managed to stifle any chortles, it just appears that I am working. Watching videos with the sound on would give the game away!

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Biscuits the character
24/3/2017 01:29:16 pm

Joseph: If your wife is coming out with stuff like "theres that advert where it looks like they're wanking off giants in a pub", I would not only put all thoughts of divorce from my mind, I would get her name tattooed on my face

Reply
Bozzer
24/3/2017 03:48:21 pm

Nice out today innit

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Roy (Stuart N Hardy fan)
24/3/2017 04:12:58 pm

I don't care much for Nicky (girls name) Campbell.
Far too Scottish for my liking.

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neptunium
24/3/2017 04:49:44 pm

I would agree that I prefer written stuff over youtube. I think I'm an old fart in that I just don't get youtube. It's handy to see how to replace a car's headlamp bulb, and it's handy for watching trailers, but I weep internally when I find some clickbait with content I want to read and it forces you to watch a video - it means faffing about finding headphones, then you have to listen to some gobshite sound excited and not being able to immediately re-read bits that you're interested in.

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Chris
24/3/2017 04:56:08 pm

There's a Viking themed board game which encouraged some furore because you have to steal daughters.
https://www.boardgamegeek.com/thread/1041527/anyone-else-have-problem-stealing-daughters-aspect

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Starbuck
24/3/2017 09:37:59 pm

Marc, the time I spent desperately trying to complete Twilight Princess before the birth of my first, followed by desperately trying to finish it off at night during paternity leave, baby by my side, was amongst the happiest of my life.

You'll love Breath of the Wild. Then tell your child about it, play it through with them.


TMWRNJ!

Reply
Starbuck
24/3/2017 09:41:05 pm

Marc, also meant to say that BotW is extremely therapeutic

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Matthew Long
24/3/2017 11:19:25 pm

The written content on the site is obviously far more important, but I really enjoyed the earlier videos on the Digitiser2000 YouTube channel too. The occasional video review to accompany a written one would be fun, I think, along with some daft ones about making beer from beer-flavoured snacks, for example (rather than rants).

Reply
RichardM
25/3/2017 06:59:19 am

Agree with Matt: very much enjoyed the video content, especially the stuff like making beer and constructing Google cardboard. Also: live streaming? Seems to be what all the cool kids are doing nowadays.

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ChorltonWheelie
25/3/2017 04:34:32 pm

Hey Marc...
Enjoy it. It's bloody brilliant.
Everybody warned me how hard it'd be and I'd lose my life. Bollocks!
They told me about the 'Terrible Two's", they warned me about how they'd grow and be lippy little savages...all bollocks.
Mine are big strapping lovely things now but when they were ankle biters was the best time of my life. Every day was an adventure seen through there eyes.
Surround them with love and books and you can't go far wrong.

And remember... if you get one of the rubbish ones you can sell it to the Gypsies.

Reply
Retro Resolution link
28/3/2017 08:20:45 pm

No *free* content on Monday or Tuesday? I'd moan, but I'm not a self-entitled millennial...

Reply



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