And here it is.
If you would like to appear on next week's page, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, which nobody cares about - please send your emails to this place here: email@example.com
Hi, Biffo! Hope you are well. Looking forward to Found Footage!
On a recent family holiday to Whitby, we tried a type of cake called Yorkshire Brack, which was a delicious fruit loaf-alike. I started calling it Yorkshire Bronk, in honour of all the funeral levels for him we have endured over the years.
My family were very confused by my 'error', which they corrected, so I childishly spent the rest of the holiday calling it Bronk on purpose. I found this inordinately amusing, even more so as their confusion and anger at my refusal to call it Brack grew. I thought you might enjoy this tribute.
You mentioned on the letters page a few weeks ago about feeling humble when people quote you. I read Digi daily on Teletext with my breakfast and can distinctly remember one morning when I was in Year 5, when a news article had the headline of 'Goodness gracious, grape balls and wire'.
I found this hilarious for reasons I couldn't explain, and am still unsure of over twenty years later, and recall trying to tell friends about it but dissolving into giggles every time.
I still think that headline is genius even now! Both Digi and This Morning With Richard Not Judy, which I adored despite not understanding it all that much, are responsible for fine-tuning my sense of humour and I am very grateful to you for steering its development in some way. Thanks!
Thanks in advance for reading this and if it gets published!
1. People online love to talk about bias in games journalism but have you ever seen a game/developer/publisher receive unfair criticism due to genuine bias by a publication (in your experience at least)?
2. Do you enjoy HD remasters? If so which have been your favourites and which of those did a particularly good job on the restoration?
3. In view of the (allegedly) forthcoming Mario + Rabbids game, what, for you, are the strangest crossovers of established games characters?
The whole thing about games journalism being inherently corrupt really, really irritates me. I didn't understand it until the alt-right - and their wholesale dismissal of all journalism that they don't agree with - went mainstream, and then I realised "ethics in games journalism" was merely a symptom of that. But about games journalism, for pity's sake! It's like getting annoyed by the bias in, I dunno, Good Food Magazine. Never has the phrase "get a life" ever been more deservingly applied.
2. I don't mind them... though I can't say I've played a great many. I enjoyed The Last of Us remaster - though I would've enjoyed that even if they'd released a low-res version of it. I've got the Wipeout collection here waiting to be reviewed... I'll let you know what I think. Should be interesting, given that I thought the originals were grossly overrated.
3. Well, there haven't been all that many. Smash Bros? Sonic & Mario at the Olympics?
Here's a thing: you may recall that I wrote a script for a game many years ago, Zed Two's Future Tactics. My original pitch for the game was that each level would be set in a different alternate universe, and each universe would resemble a famous game. So, basically a turn-based strategy game, with levels that evoked Tomb Raider, Sonic, Mario et al. THAT would've been a crossover (albeit unofficial) that I'd like to have seen/written.
Hello Biffloffuffston. A short one. In the wake of yesterday's STAGGERING election result - what three video games do you feel can best sum up the world we now live in? Love you lots.
As I type this I know you will be reading this in the future. A future where there will be a new government and we will all have jet packs or something.
What is it like living in the future? Please can you send a message back to here in the past (Wednesday) to tell us. Thank you.
P.S. Watch Mr PSB's Sweary Train Sim every Saturday night. It's live: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNVjYwOz8HaUC3v_XL3WuCA
Throughout the past few years, with all of the horrendous things that have happened you've been there. We need your uplifting humour now more than ever and I'm grateful that you continue to do what you do. Found Footage has given me a distracting focus to obsess over. You've said you're grateful to your fans, well it's mutual. Your think-pieces are enlightening and life affirming.
The world is brighter for Digi, Found Footage, Mr Biffo and Paul Rose.
Now, on another note, do we keep getting new postmen because Eddie the Envelope keeps stabbing them?
Press reveal to see what Eddie the Envelope has been up to these past few weeks.
In the wake of Wonder Woman I read an article wondering where all the movie spin off games have gone, and I have to agree!
Whilst they were often of dubious quality I miss the days of tie in games and, every so often, getting a great one. Spider-Man 2 on the Gamecube was the bee's knees (I wonder: do spiders have knees?) and Goldeneye was a masterpiece, although I am still waiting for a game that truly captures the spirit of the James Bond books/films and isn't all about the shooting.
We only seem to get minimal effort mobile phone games, which seems cost effective but a crying shame.
If you could get a decent game made of any movie or TV show what would you like to see?
I get why there are movie games, but I'd rather games just forged ahead creating their own characters and worlds. I'm guessing it's harder now to create games based on films, because they used to be easier to churn out quickly - whereas most modern games take years to create.
I have just woken up from a deep slumber in which I dreamt an amusing dream. This dream has, I believe, the potential to become this years big Christmas must have video game...
Containing the right amount of excitement, fun, humour and topicality it has all the elements for big kahuna profits! And due to my charitable nature I'm happy for you to harness these profits towards Digitiser's future existence and your own endless supply of Sild.
Put simply imagine the hilarity of beheading your bestest friend in the "SUPER ISIS BEHEADING SIMULATOR 3000". Simply digitise the visage of your "headless homey" into your console of choice and let our experts perfectly realised middle eastern scenarios bring his or hers grisly execution to hilarious life! I can safely say Christmas afternoon will never be the same again!
I welcome your suggestions as to how to hone this golden nugget even further.
And finally, I suggest the perfect snack to accompany the fun: Smoked fish lips.
Colonel Nugplucket III
I'm just writing this as you have just tweeted you have only had ONE letter for Fridays page.
I've been spending a lot of time watching YouTube videos lately since Santa got me a TV with a YouTube app. Do you watch much content on YouTube and are there any channels you can recommend?
Doesn't have to be game related, one of channels I've been watching is an electrician taking things apart and drawing the circuit boards and saying how they work, which considering I can barely wire a plug I find strangely interesting.
Anyhow hope you get some more letters and that Gaming Mill writes in, I like his letters.
A better, and less enraging, version of Louis is Adam The Woo. His Daily Woo channel shows him travelling around small town America in an RV. And he seems very nice and unassuming.
Adrian Bliss is my favourite YouTuber - check out his Vlogvember and Vlune series. They brilliantly skewer YouTuber culture.
Other stuff I like: Tested, the Star Wars Show, Ashens, Guru Larry,
Also: Alantutorial (watch it in order).
And far, far too many fail videos, or videos of people being startled. Nothing makes me laugh more than people being scared, because I'm clearly a bit broken.
One day, Mr Biffo, who was a good boy, was squeezing a delicious piece of cheese from betwixt his buttocks.
"Mmmmmm.... this feels like a particularly solid and satisfying stool... I shall enjoy this" he thought with a grin on his bearded face. The notion of having to strain was unnecessary, as this was a velvety poo of the highest quality - a two-wiper at most, but with all the pleasure and consistency of a 'heffer plump'.
Suddenly, the process was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Damn It all." said Biffo. He considered whether to answer the door, but his sphincter said "Nah mate, forget it. Release this bad boy." So Biffo continued. BANG BANG. Another knock on the door.
Biffo considered telling the poo interrupter to 'go away' but, being British, he couldn't. Biffo decided to ignore the secondary knock and concentrate on evacuating his bowels. BANG! "Delivery from Yamazon!" Biffo paused.
Had he ordered something from Yamazon? He couldn't remember, but the niggling doubt was there. "One moment!" said Biffo, as he pinched off the half-loaf he had so far produced. For a moment he considered wiping his bum, but decided against it - after all he merely had to receive the postman's parcel (oo-er missus and such), then he could resume business. Instead, he hefted up his briefs and trousers, made a rudimentary attempt to fasten his belt, then opened the door.
"Yes?" said Biffo, trying to mask the sweaty stench of his unfinished business.
"Hello sir, I have a parcel for you" said the Yamazon man.
"Thank you." said Biffo as he took the parcel. "Now go away for I am turtling."
"Okay" said the man from Yamazon.
However... Biffo felt different. The pressure on his colon had ceased. It was almost as if the poo had dissipated. Biffo considered this for a moment, then decided he would investigate the situation later. Instead, he opened the parcel, his curiosity getting the better of him. He carefully peeled back the cello tape, then, using the tips of his yellow fingers, he unveiled the contents of the package.
It was the remaining part of his poo.
Votes have been cast, the polls are closed. So, here's the question that everyone will ask this morning.
What were the sales figures for Sexy Christmas USA?
Since I've been a bit sleep deprived this week, my brain has been ejecting mind farts. Could you help with any of the following?
I one heard Tim Westwood was really in to arcade games, but turns out it was actually rap music.
You know Australians? They talk funny.
Why would anyone willingly listen to Heart? Its like they've just given up on wanting to hear anything interesting.
Why can't we all just be a bit nicer to people?
I'm typing this email to avoid doing a VAT return.
I've become convinced that at least 90% of people I know who are active on Facebook have muted me. Is this normal or am i just really objectionable?
I used to love my GameGear. If it hadn't consumed a set of 6 AA batteries in an hour, it might have been the best thing ever. Do you think portable gaming will ever happen again on a bespoke device rather than a phone? Be a shame if it didn't.
What is your favourite building?
My mate Tom writes really long emails about stuff he's passionate about. The problem is that he's got no filter on editing it down. He's young and enthusiastic though, so I don't want to temper that. Do you have any tips on editing to make what you've written punchier? That must have been pretty much all you did on Moc-Moc-A-Text (Ceefax) given the page size restraints.
I really want to give it all up and move to the middle of nowhere in France. Or anywhere that would have me really. Do you think my son would thrive in a foreign education system? (He's two).
Did Ben Elton really ever happen or did I just dream it?
If you could help with any of those, i'd be very grateful.
Love and Kisses,
Jopijedd off of the Twatter.
My other half grew up in Australia, incidentally, so obviously I think you're very rude. Though I suspect she'd be the first to say that my brilliant comedy Australian accent is significantly more offensive. Whereas I'd argue that her utterances of "Awright, maaaate" in a voice that's a cross between Dick van Dyke and Bernard Bresslaw is particularly racist.
Sorry, not really a usable letter, but I wanted to make sure that you linked to http://retroasylum.com/episode-164-revival-2017-paul-rose/ in your own plug zone or in the intro for the letters page tomorrow, which I've just finished listening to on my way in this morning.
My friend once bought a bottle of poppers at some festival in Long Marston. I declined to partake but I did hold a ladybird over the top to see what would happen. It opened its carapace and flew straight up to the moon (I don't think it made the moon but hey, Superman could do it without air).
I've got hospital shite tomorrow and the stress of voting today. Life is tough.
I was supposed to be going out all day today with my Smoking Brother to help him with his new business. I've got 'contacts' which makes my Smoking Brother and myself sound like a pair of drug dealers; he's a wooden pallet dealer - try snorting one of those. Ironically, poppers are still legal I've just read.
Poor ladybird. Are they covered by the RSPCA? Too late now - that was years ago.
Hospital tomorrow to see what damage they can repair to my foot.
I am ill but still strong and that is all.
It seems the well know poet T. O. Ilet has smeared another verse onto some Andrex, and slid it under the door.
THE NAMING OF CRAPS - T. O. Ilet
The Naming of Craps is a difficult matter,
It isn't just one of your toilety games;
You may think at first I'm as mad as a Tom Crapper
When I tell you, a Crap must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.
First of all, there's the name that the family use daily,
Such as PooPoo, Plop-Plop, Shitty or Turd,
Such as Shite or Excrement, Dump, or Number Two–
All of them sensible everyday names.
There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,
Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:
Such as Feces, Excrement, Stool, Feculence–
But all of them sensible everyday names.
But I tell you, a Crap needs a name that's particular,
A name that's peculiar, and more dignified,
Else how can he keep up his crimp end perpendicular,
Or spread out his liquids, or cherish his pride?
Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,
Such as Excreta, Ejecta, or Excrement,
Such as Evacuation, or else Jellydrop-drop-
Names that never belong to more than one crap.
But above and beyond there's still one name left over,
And that is the name that you never will guess;
The name that no human research can discover--
But THE CRAP HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess.
When you notice a crap in profound putrification,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:
His ineffable effable
Deeply dripping singular Name.
All the best,
Hi Bofflingtusss. Just a very short and succinct note to inform you of the awful news that I've been LOVING all the teletext art nonsense of late.
It's like someones just put that Nando's 'chip-sand' on my chippy chips. Which is as close to a Michelin Star Dish as my tiny working class mind can muster.
There will be more!
Robert Lindsay again. As you know, I'm big in TV. My flared trousers cover the entire set when I'm on, and from each leg pours a wide assortment of macadamia nuts, broad beans, and digestive biscuits, which have been known to support entire vassal states at a time.
Anyway. I recall you enjoyed VideoGaiden when it was back on. Have you supported the new series of Consolevania via Patreon? If so, what do you think of it?
If you haven't, here's another question from my tubes: you're the executive producer of Go 8-Bit. How would you revise the show?
Uh... I've not watched the second series of Go 8-Bit yet, but the first series won me over. It's a little bit "polished shiny floor show" for me, as my tastes tend to lean a little bit more towards the shambolic and amateurish, but I admire the format and the way they make gaming palatable to the masses.
Dear Mr Buffon*. I've been meaning to write for weeks but since getting a Switch at the end of March I've mainly been playing Zelda and swearing at those motherflipping Octoroks.
What do you most regularly swear at?
*I've just noticed this amusing autocorrect, which I'm leaving for comic effect.
That and people playing the victim to elicit sympathy (not the same thing as actual victims), especially when there are people who could really do with a bit of sympathy who never ask for it.
That's not a very funny answer, but it is a sincere and honest one.
Crikey eh, this election? Wow. Nobody could have predicted THAT result (note there are currently 28 seats declared as I write this so it could be anything by the time you read this).
Some of my readers have requested another book and that it be about politics, so I have included it, but frankly it feels a bit phoned-in and painting by numbers where every colour is brown this week. I'm sorry, I'll try harder next week when I'm not laughing at Theresa May's hubris blowing up in her face (or not, by this time tomorrow).
MR BIFFO AND THE SPOILED BALLOT
Once upon a time there was a very good boy called Mr Biffo who was having a lovely dream in his bed while asleep and then he woke up and began his day, and there was no poo anywhere whatsoever this time upon his rising which was one of the many reasons he had recently regained his Very Good status. Anyway. Mr Biffo ate his breakfast of Bran Flakes and All Bran and Prunes all mashed up in a big bowl with milk on and washed it down with a big mug of hot, bitter coffee.
He saw that it was June the 8th 2017, and as he was a Very Good Boy this meant he had to complete his democratic duty and go and vote for one or more or no political parties, but this time for real, not by doing poo like that dream he had that time. “Oh boy it’s nice that one of these events is not a dream for a change”, he said to nobody in particular, and pulled on his funky brown shoesies and did up the shiny buckles. Mr Biffo arrived at the polling station and said “It is me, Mr Biffo, the very good boy, and I am here to do the vote”. “Hello Mr Biffo, yes here is your vote” said the Presiding Officer and passed it to him. Mr Biffo was very excited and looking forward to voting Conservative like he had always dreamed of doing because Fuck The Poor, and walked into the voting booth, where a long, soft poopy poo slowly pushed its way out of his sphincter and dropped down his leg onto the floor.
Mr Biffo had nothing other than his ballot paper to do anything about it, so he rolled up the poo in the paper like the world’s worst possible satire on the democratic process, and asked the Presiding officer if he could have another ballot paper as he’d spoilt it. The Presiding Officer had Seen It All Before and placed the turd cigar into the bin specially set aside for the purpose and passed another Ballot paper to Mr Biffo.
Mr Biffo started to make his mark again but then felt a gurgling in his gutsicles. He turned and popped his head round the curtain and ask the staff if there was a toilet to avert the impending disaster but unsurprisingly it was all far too late, there was a horrific wet, squelching explosion behind him, and the smell of raw, untreated sewage permeated the entire polling station. “Oh dear” said Mr Biffo “I appear to have spoilt my ballot by mistake, may I have another?” and the Presiding officer sighed because this Hadn’t Been The First Time and collected the shit-sodden ballot paper from the booth and after 3.4 minutes of vomiting over the smell provided a new one and asked Mr Biffo to use a different booth, that wasn’t covered in explosive watery diarrhoea and that.
Mr Biffo finally completed his vote and posted it into the ballot box, and said “Phew, quite a high turnout!” “Get out” said the presiding officer “No need to ask what your view of my antics are for an exit poll!” Mr Biffo said and then he woke up with a start because actually it had all been a dream within another dream and he was in a police cell after being arrested for Toilet Terrorism at a polling station
OK WELL I HOPE THAT IS ENOUGH, BUT IF IT ISN'T NOT MUCH I CAN DO ABOUT IT NOW
If you failed to engage with it first time around, Rodent is now back - in book form!
Available to back on Kickstarter is "A lavish book of Rodent’s fifty finest moments; we’re calling it ‘Our-Type’ and it’ll be the sort of art book that would be at home on Richard Branson’s coffee table that he had made out of swans, diamonds and all them women he turned upside down at product launches."
This has my full endorsement and backing, and I really want it to happen.
Please click this link to make this project a reality.
Few would argue against Steve's position as the finest teletext artist in the world, a lovely bloke - and part of the Mr Biffo's Found Footage crew to boot.
Support Horsenburger here, if only to help him pay for all the petrol he's wasting coming to Found Footage shoots.