THE DIGITISER2000 FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

Seven a.m., waking up in the morning,
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs,
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal,
Seein' everything, the time is goin',
Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin',
Gotta get down to the bus stop,
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends),

Kickin' in the front seat,
Sittin' in the back seat,
Gotta make my mind up,
Which seat can I take?,

It's Friday, Friday,
Gotta get down on Friday,
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend,
Friday, Friday,
Gettin' down on Friday,
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend.

Indeed. Changing the subject slightly - I'm thinking of doing a couple of Found Footage t-shirts - specifically the Xenoxxx Industries logo and a Goujon John one - to help fund our last batch of filming. Please state in the comments if this is something that's worth our while.

Anyhow, if you would like to appear on next week's page, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone - please send your emails for next week to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com

P.AYERS
Oh God! Oh help! Oh no!
The off licence is shut!
I don't understand this.
What is going On?!
SEND HELP!!!!!11111
A Passing Sober

Alright.

OUT ON YOUR GEAR
On your ​letters page of 14th April, a letter mentioning the Game Gear shook loose an odd memory.
​
I got the Wii U deluxe package with Nintendoland, and while playing the even minier mini game that unlocked the various statues for your park, I became nostalgic for the Game Gear. I have never played a Game Gear, and only saw one​ once in the wild. I thought that was certainly strange.

I have so much nostalgia for Sega, which is also odd. I saw a Master System​ once, and a Megadrive once. In Ireland, anyone wealthy enough to have a console, had Nintendo.

The first hands on experience I had with Sega was the Dreamcast, which I eventually bought.

I have a feeling the nostalgia is due to gaming magazines, y'know, the ones that hated you, Biffo. I'm neither fit or well, but I'm not Gaming Mill, so that's ok.
Ray Kavanagh.

Not all gaming mags hated Digi. For starters, most of the Future ones loved us. But anyway... you weren't really missing out much by not having a Game Gear. It was a bit rubbish really. 

Also: I don't think Gaming Mill wrote in this week, so thanks for keeping his memory alive.

SNOWDONIA
Impressed to see that Edward Snowdon is a Teletext-era Digitiser fan, retweeting your characters. [See attached].
Starbuck

Only on the day one of you can get him to retweet a Man's Daddy page or Found Footage shall I be impressed.

PHWOAR! BIRDS!
Speaking of Hollywood, assuming they were doing a bio-pic of you, and assuming they could only cast bird named actors, which of these should play you? Also assuming they have used the magic of Hollywood to re-animate corpses.

A. Peter Finch
B. Larry Bird
C. Russell Crow
D. Stork, Aitk-hen and Water Fowl
E. Peter Finch Jnr
F. "Robin" Williams

Thanks in advance.
Chris Dyson

Press reveal to see my favourite bird.

REVEAL:

YOOK OF TODAY
I haven't wrote in a while.

With Yooka-Laylee and Persona 5 out I thought I'd be ploughing a lot of time into them... but to be honest I ended up digging out my Dreamcast from where I kept it, and ended up getting it modded and fixing the laser on it.

I've been having a blast with classics like Dynamite Deja 2/Dynamite Cop, All Japan Pro Wrestling 3: Giant Gram 2000, Shenmue, Skies of Arcadia, Shutokou Battle 1+2/Tokyo Highway Challenge 1 and 2, Street Fighter 3 Third Strike. Hell, even the Tom Baker classic Ecco the Dolphin Defender of the Future.

It probably sounds insane, okay they don't look spectacular like some of the new fangled games out this gen but there's something about them where I don't have to worry about massive patches and annoying kids online.

Maybe it's the quaint wave of nostalgia that I don't have to worry about the country being run by Lady Satan.

But there is one title that was recently announced Fire Pro Wrestling World which has got me excited, even though the first title I played was Fire Pro Wrestling Returns which I imported from Italy being that it was the only country that had the release in Europe... why? I don't know. 505games are weird like that.

Second Game was Fire Pro Wrestling D for the Dreamcast which was pretty cool as well. But yeah Looking forward to Fire Pro World and more Found footage.

So do you get waves of nostalgia that you actually go through, or is it just "Ugh these controls and graphics" when you play old favourites... like Horace?
Nicholas McDonald

Wait a minute. Tom Baker did narration in Ecco the Dolphin: Defender of the Future? How did I not know that? 

​Nostalgia with games for me is all about the sound, I've come to realise. So many of the games I played growing up, almost all of which I was terrible at, I now realise were terrible because the controls were terrible... and I can't quite get beyond the controls, which is why I prefer to watch old Spectrum game vids than actually play the games.

Partly, that was down to the hardware; either awkward dead flesh keyboard layouts, or horrible, stiff joypads, neither of which were conducive to playability. How the Spectrum ever became so huge and beloved is a mystery to me.

​But no. You can't go wrong with the sounds. Press reveal to discover my favourite sound.

REVEAL:

50 SHADES OF WHYTE
1. You have written before of how happy you are with Found Footage and the creative freedom that you have had with it. Hypothetically, how much control would you be willing to give up for a mainstream TV deal? Would you accept changes, or would you rather stay true to the Found Footage you envisioned and are producing now?

2. What are your top 5 Spectrum games?

3. One of the best games of last year, in my opinion, was Doom but it was a game that I not only thought that I would hate before I tried, but thought that games like Deus Ex and Half-Life 2 had made Doom irrelevant. I'm happy to say that I was wrong and it's good to know that games can still surprise me. Have you had any similar experiences and if so, what games defied your expectations in a good way?
John Whyte

1. Hmm. Well... I work on mainstream TV shows all the time; that's my day job. Most of the kids shows I write for are all shows which I had a hand in creating to a certain degree. However, in my experience, Kids TV does seem to be more producer-led, adult comedy and drama more writer-led, and films director-led.

But if you're talking about doing Found Footage on mainstream TV... I've got to say that I was indeed lucky when it came to the various adult TV pilots I've done over the years, in that people let my vision of them play out, more or less. Which might be why they never went to series. Ho ho. Even Found Footage - as I'm doing it for YouTube - is a collaboration. I've got an overall idea for it, but I'm always happy to listen suggestions. If an idea makes something better I'd be stupid to ignore it.

But in terms of giving up control of Found Footage, like a shared created-by or writer/director credit? Probably not... because it's very much stream-of-consciousness, and that stream is trickling out of my head, not anybody else's. The joy of doing it is in attempting to realise that nonsense I've got going on.

That said, it's a challenge, and obviously I can't do everything with it that I want to do. I'd be daft to turn down a bigger budget... but I would probably have to ask for creative control. Which, to be fair, Tim and I had on Biffovision. Again: didn't go to series. Ho ho.

It would be hard to return to pitching comedy to TV companies after this, though. It's a soul-destroying process at the best of times, not least because often it's a case of second-guessing what they're looking for, and I'm not sure how interested I am in doing stuff just for the sake of getting something made. Never say never, but it would have to be to do something I couldn't do with a crowd-funded budget.

2. Uhhh... Skool Daze/Back 2 Skool, Pyjamarama, Ant Attack 3D, Underwurlde, Valhalla. Maybe.

​3. Titanfall and Titanfall 2. The original was more or less online-only, but it's so damn playable I found it irresistible. The sequel boasted a campaign, but I assumed it would just be bolted on - I hadn't expected it to be THAT good.

BUNNY BOTTOM
Only one thing consuming my mind this week. Are there any bunny updates to share?
Paul

In case anyone isn't aware... we had a couple of bunnies get into our garden last week, and opened the curtains on Easter Sunday to find them having sexus on our decking. Turns out that the neighbours' kids were looking after them for a couple of weeks... but the bunnies had been dropped off in a bird cage.

​They thought this was a bit cruel, so they let them out into their garden to roam around - not considering the missing fence panel between our two gardens. The bunnies spent their whole vacation in our garden.

They gone now. Which I'm a bit sad about. Though I don't miss their eggs. They were vile. Especially the creme ones.

50 SHADES OF BREXIT
Given the fractious nature of Brexit and the submission of the letter of activation of Article 50, coupled with the announcement of a snap General Election in seven weeks, what do you feel was the best racer for the Mega Drive?
Kris

Ugh. I wasn't a massive fan of racing games - least of all on the Mega Drive. I remember when Super Monaco GP was released to massive hype. I bought into the reviews stating that the track layouts were arcade perfect.

What they hadn't stated was that the tracks had absolutely no detail on them whatsoever - unlike the arcade original, the graphics of which were the main reason everyone played it. The Mega Drive version looked like Pole Position or something. And I think it was pricier than a regular Mega Drive game, just to add insult to injury.

​Never believe the mags, kids. Never believe the reviews. Never believe the reviews...

NEIL DOWN
​I'm looking at underlay for some replacement hardwood flooring for the lounge. I've had conflicting advice regarding spending a bit more more on the wood itself or the underlay and, quite frankly, I can't be bothered to Google any of it.

I could spend the money on PSVR or a Nintendo Switch, but you've ruined gaming for me now by pointing out that I won't actually get that high I had all those years ago playing Chuckie Egg, Castle Quest and Way of the Exploding Fist et al.

So thanks for that - now answer my underlay question.
Neil 

Am I the only one who thinks "Underlay! Underlay!" in a Speedy Gonzales voice whenever anyone mentions underlay? I've been making that joke since I was a kid. Though I stopped saying it out loud because it didn't amuse my father that time my parents had new carpets put in. Perhaps I repeated it one time too many...

Also: you're asking me a question about home improvements? I live in a house where the kitchen cupboard doors are hanging at a 45-degree angle. You've come to the wrong person.

Underlay! Underlay!

Ha ha.

FOOT LONG
Why was the famous Mud classic called Tiger Feet? Tigers have paws. It should be called Feet: Human Feet.
Sean James McGee

You've just blown my mind. And ruined a song that I love. That's right that's right that's right that's right. 

Now imagine a cat... WITH HUMAN FEET.

TRIALS AND TRIBUTE-LOTIONS
​I have a personal problem I was hoping you could help me with.

A few years back I gave up my job as a tree surgeon to follow my dream of becoming a professional musician. 

It was slow going at first... Living hand to mouth... Never knowing where the next meal was coming from or if I could afford the bus fare to send my youngest Tarquinn to school. Shady promoters taking advantage of my good nature... Being ripped off by greedy bar owners, etc.

It all came to a head when I had my microphone stolen after a particularly poorly attended gig at the local Conservative club.

I hit rock bottom, but slowly, and with the support of my bandmate I managed to put my life back together. The band started getting bookings. People started to attend our gigs. We even played the odd garden party at the local church.  Basically everything was going great. 

All this has begun to change in the last week or so when a rival Milli Vanilli tribute band (calling themselves My-lee Van-wily) sprung up, seemingly out of nowhere. What's more they've started to undercut us, resulting in most of out future bookings being cancelled.

I'm really at a loose end as to what to do. I can't face going back to the 9 to 5 grind now that I'm used to suckling on the sweet teet of success. 

What should I do?
Maximilian (of Maximilli Vanilli)
P.S. I never could spell 'teat'.

Start a new tribute band. Suggestions: Hairs 4 Pears (Tears For Fears), The Queuer (The Cure), and Braaaaaaaahms-9 (Brahms).

LAPSE OF JUDGEMENT
I'm a horrendously lapsed gamer who since the kidlets arrived has had little time over last 8 years or so to play games.

As such, the whole online gaming thing has very much passed me by - I barely have enough time to become competent at a game, let alone take on finely-honed machines in an online forum where I would be mocked mercilessly until their 12 year old throats were hoarse.

However, recently the boy (7-ish) has started enjoying games on his DS (Pokemon and Mario Kart being favourites) so I hooked the Wii out of the attic so he could play Mario Kart on the telly with steering wheels etc. He's enjoying it, and so am I (I played it to death back in t'day and still remembered all the courses/shortcuts etc)

Question occurred to me though - Mario Kart is a great leveller for players regardless of their skill; you can race the "perfect" race and still get blue-shelled on the last corner and finish almost last. Similarly, you can be average but due to the weighting of what you get in question blocks, depending on what position you're in, you can be propelled up the positions through no skill of your own.

Have no idea if this is still the case for Mario Kart 8 on the Switch (imagine it must be?) but are there any other current games that level the playing field for novice and decent players alike?

Oh, as a boy, I was once in a garden centre with my parents who insisted that they had seen Cliff Richard loading plants into the boot of his car. I didn't believe them so they dragged me to the cashier who confirmed it was indeed him, and produced the cheque that he had paid with as proof that it was him. I really wasn't that interested. 

Mr T was on the American version of Strictly Come Dancing I see - were his bins ok in his absence?
Dan Leaphard

Here's another tribute band name: Dan Leaphard (Def Leppard).

You ask an interesting question. I think Nintendo are the masters of levelling the playing field. The Smash Bros. series - as utterly random and chaotic as those games are - seem to be very good at giving everyone a chance. Is it just multiplayer games of this ilk that you are interested in? Maybe some kind folk can suggest some in the comments.

MR TO MR
It's me! MrPSB! (The guy whose underpants smell of wee!)  EVERYONE SING ALONG NOW.

I've been having internet trouble for the last couple of weeks, my upload has not been reliably fast AT ALL which has prevented me from streaming Train Simulator, but the good news is an engineer has been to assess my connection and found my socket was broken.  

Well! With all the action it gets I'm not surprised. It's now been replaced, and fingers crossed everything is OK with it, but - oh boy - it's frustrating not being able to do things you want to do because your internet connection has broken down. Thankfully the download side while impacted a bit was still reasonably fast, so I've been able to download things and that.  Phew, eh?

Anyway.

ANYWAY.

I thought I'd better add something about games after my disgraceful effort last week, so I'd like to sympathise with your previous week's letter person (I'm too lazy to look up the name) who said Breath of the Wild was so good they didn't want to finish it.  

I haven't played it for like a week and a half because of this thing. I've been playing Elite Dangerous instead, flying my spaceship around NEEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWMMMM it goes and PEW PEW LAZORS.  

Also! I played Night in the Woods a bit, which is rather charming if somewhat linear - SO FAR ANYWAY, NO SPOILERS PLEASE - and more like an animated storybook using gamelike clothes rather than an actual game if you see what I mean. Still, I like it a lot so far.  I will like it less if it goes shit (I'M LOOKING AT YOU ENDING OF LIFE IS STRANGE) but that's the way life is.
Mr PSB

I'm not sure I have the willpower to not play a game I'm really enjoying. That'd be like not eating a bag of crisps that's right in front of me?

​What's that you say? I'm going to eat myself to death? Well, at least I'll go out doing something I love.

Would now be a good time to mention all the grammatical errors I corrected in your letter, PSB?