This is not a joke: due to a slight degree of demand, Sensorium Girlybox will be releasing an extended version of Sexy Christmas USA onto iTunes and Amazon next week. All proceeds will go to Cancer Research UK.
With a degree of concerted effort, we could keep Simon Cowell off the Christmas Number 1 spot. As soon as it's up - I'll let you know.
Anyway... letters time, kids!
If you would like to appear on next week's page, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone - please send your emails for next week to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
With a degree of concerted effort, we could keep Simon Cowell off the Christmas Number 1 spot. As soon as it's up - I'll let you know.
Anyway... letters time, kids!
If you would like to appear on next week's page, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone - please send your emails for next week to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
RI' 'CASTLY
Did you ever review the PC game Outcast in Digitiser? I have to admit I don't remember reading a review of it at the time (1999). Also I was wondering if you were aware of the remake of this game? It's called Outcast: Second Contact and is due out sometime in March 2017. Hopefully.
Paul
Did you ever review the PC game Outcast in Digitiser? I have to admit I don't remember reading a review of it at the time (1999). Also I was wondering if you were aware of the remake of this game? It's called Outcast: Second Contact and is due out sometime in March 2017. Hopefully.
Paul
I didn't remember it particularly... but I just Googled it, and - yes... yes, I definitely played that game. And most likely reviewed it. And it's being remade you say? Well... okay then. Is this the first time you've worked in public relations?
SCRIPTS FOR A JESTER'S YEARS
Many thanks for the Scripts of My Years series.
Regarding your stance on not wishing there to be innuendo or drug references in children's TV programmes.
This is obviously the correct attitude, but I wonder how much this was influenced, possibly sub-consciously, by you wanting to distance yourself from your previous "subversive" reputation from the Teletext days? Much love,
John Veness
Many thanks for the Scripts of My Years series.
Regarding your stance on not wishing there to be innuendo or drug references in children's TV programmes.
This is obviously the correct attitude, but I wonder how much this was influenced, possibly sub-consciously, by you wanting to distance yourself from your previous "subversive" reputation from the Teletext days? Much love,
John Veness
Nooo. Not consciously or subconsciously wanting to distance myself from anything. I'm very proud that Digi was seen as subversive. I just think that Digi and something like Sooty are aimed at very different audiences. It's about what's appropriate to that audience.
It's one thing to be a bit edgy on a teletext page about video games - where you know a majority of the readers are going to be in on the joke/naughtiness - but feels a bit creepy and wrong when putting it in a show for pre-school kids who you know won't be aware of it. Who exactly is it for then? What exactly is the point? It's weird and, yeah, kind of unsettling.
Admittedly, younger kids could've read Digi - and probably did now that I think about it. Oh well. They've got to learn about that stuff sooner or later.
It's one thing to be a bit edgy on a teletext page about video games - where you know a majority of the readers are going to be in on the joke/naughtiness - but feels a bit creepy and wrong when putting it in a show for pre-school kids who you know won't be aware of it. Who exactly is it for then? What exactly is the point? It's weird and, yeah, kind of unsettling.
Admittedly, younger kids could've read Digi - and probably did now that I think about it. Oh well. They've got to learn about that stuff sooner or later.
DO JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER
Biffo, having read your Scripts of My Years (Tracks of My Tears?) piece, and having mentioned turning it into a book, I have some suggestions for its title;
"Paul Rose: Prose" (if you add a bit of poetry n' shit).
"Paul Rose: From the grave" (if it's released it posthumously).
"Rose Rose Rose wrote a book, gentle though he seems, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, read his literal screams" (if you add a horror element).
You're welcome.
Martin Wright
Biffo, having read your Scripts of My Years (Tracks of My Tears?) piece, and having mentioned turning it into a book, I have some suggestions for its title;
"Paul Rose: Prose" (if you add a bit of poetry n' shit).
"Paul Rose: From the grave" (if it's released it posthumously).
"Rose Rose Rose wrote a book, gentle though he seems, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, read his literal screams" (if you add a horror element).
You're welcome.
Martin Wright
Thanks. Now I've got some suggestions for your autobiography:
"So Wrong He's Wright"
"All Wright: Now"
"The Time is Wright"
"The Customer is Always Wright"
"Wright Wing Media"
"Martin Bumlick"
And so on.
"So Wrong He's Wright"
"All Wright: Now"
"The Time is Wright"
"The Customer is Always Wright"
"Wright Wing Media"
"Martin Bumlick"
And so on.
IT'S FRIDAY I'M IN GLOVES
I got me thinking today about how everyday stuff could be seen as being funny through the eyes of a person honed in comedy; witnessed as if through a comedy lens, so to speak.
What about all the funny things Mr Biffo may have thought up and then forgotten before he got a chance to make some sort of record of them (ideas)?
Do you have a system for remembering funny thoughts… perhaps a sharp stone in your shoe, a tight knot in your hankie or a mild burning sensation when you pass water?
Also, could you recount some of the funniest things you’ve forgotten?
Dean
P.S. Why has Found Footage got so much American stuff?
I got me thinking today about how everyday stuff could be seen as being funny through the eyes of a person honed in comedy; witnessed as if through a comedy lens, so to speak.
What about all the funny things Mr Biffo may have thought up and then forgotten before he got a chance to make some sort of record of them (ideas)?
Do you have a system for remembering funny thoughts… perhaps a sharp stone in your shoe, a tight knot in your hankie or a mild burning sensation when you pass water?
Also, could you recount some of the funniest things you’ve forgotten?
Dean
P.S. Why has Found Footage got so much American stuff?
Uh... I try to write them down occasionally - mainly because that's what actual comedy writers always say they do, and I want to be cool like them. Alas, the rubbish fact is that I just use my mind to try and remember stuff... which as you can imagine makes me great fun to live with!
Occasionally, something eats away at me for days, and I have to write it down just to get it out of my head. "Totally Turts & Phants" was a phrase that was just going round and round in my head, and I needed to express it, or risk going mad. It gets like an itch.
Let's look at some of the amazing ideas I DID write down in my phone...
"I'm having a turt attack!"
"I've got plants in my pants"
"Hello dicks. Doctor Ashley 'Hashtag' Tagg here. I don't understand my nickname, but well... it is what it is..."
"Newt estimate"
"Kongstipation"
"Penisallen"
Yeah... let's leave it there.
American stuff in Found Footage? Well... none of it is American, as it is made by this guy: me.
Occasionally, something eats away at me for days, and I have to write it down just to get it out of my head. "Totally Turts & Phants" was a phrase that was just going round and round in my head, and I needed to express it, or risk going mad. It gets like an itch.
Let's look at some of the amazing ideas I DID write down in my phone...
"I'm having a turt attack!"
"I've got plants in my pants"
"Hello dicks. Doctor Ashley 'Hashtag' Tagg here. I don't understand my nickname, but well... it is what it is..."
"Newt estimate"
"Kongstipation"
"Penisallen"
Yeah... let's leave it there.
American stuff in Found Footage? Well... none of it is American, as it is made by this guy: me.
REZ IN ARIZONA
Because you got to work with Mark Heap, and then I felt sad that the pilot didn't make it, I have finally forgiven you for that time on Digi you didn't mark Rez exactly the same as I thought it should be marked. And there is no greater crime as you well know.
So, you know, every cloud and all that.
Neil Armitage
Because you got to work with Mark Heap, and then I felt sad that the pilot didn't make it, I have finally forgiven you for that time on Digi you didn't mark Rez exactly the same as I thought it should be marked. And there is no greater crime as you well know.
So, you know, every cloud and all that.
Neil Armitage
I hope you were happy with the Rez review from earlier in the week, Armstrong. It wasn't written by me, but that's probably just as well... as I still don't see the appeal of suffering a migraine in the middle of a drum and bass concert.
CRINNY CRUMBLE
Just wondering if you know of anything that will remove blood and brains from household upholstery, carpets, and crinoline. Asking for a friend.
Paul Dunning
Just wondering if you know of anything that will remove blood and brains from household upholstery, carpets, and crinoline. Asking for a friend.
Paul Dunning
I don't know of anything that will do that.
THE SWITCHES OF EASTWICK
The latest rumour to drop for the Nintendo Switch is that From Software's Dark Souls trilogy will appear on the mobile/home platform.
As a fan of self-flagellation, from replaying the first Souls game ad-infinitum, I'm very concerned I will take my Souls addiction to the next level by playing these games on the loo, on the bus, at work and whilst making sweet love to my future partner.
I recall Digi not being a big fan of From's Souls series, can you please dissuade me from contemplating this purchase?
From Hell
The latest rumour to drop for the Nintendo Switch is that From Software's Dark Souls trilogy will appear on the mobile/home platform.
As a fan of self-flagellation, from replaying the first Souls game ad-infinitum, I'm very concerned I will take my Souls addiction to the next level by playing these games on the loo, on the bus, at work and whilst making sweet love to my future partner.
I recall Digi not being a big fan of From's Souls series, can you please dissuade me from contemplating this purchase?
From Hell
I would genuinely like to know if there's a correlation/crossover between people who play Dark Souls, and people who like to hurt/hate themselves.
In other news, I'm warming slightly to the idea of the Switch, but it's all dependent on those first-party games - not the lukewarm leftovers that everyone else tucked into a year or two before. It's like licking ketchup off a plate.
In other news, I'm warming slightly to the idea of the Switch, but it's all dependent on those first-party games - not the lukewarm leftovers that everyone else tucked into a year or two before. It's like licking ketchup off a plate.
UNTITLED
A few years ago I was walking back from one of the uni bars with my flatmate, Big Dave. Along the way I found a dead pigeon and - seeing as it looked like it was pretty fresh - I contemplated taking it back to the flat and cooking it. Dave said he wanted a kebab so I left him to it and continued on alone.
About 15 minutes later Dave was tucking into his food. "Eh GM, what did you do with that pigeon?" he asked in his thick, Liverpudlian accent. "It's over there, on the radiator" I said. Dave spat a mouthful of food out in disgust - I'd got as far as beheading it, but got bored and Dave had a right go at me. He still ate the rest though.
That also reminds of the time Big Dave was eating another kebab (he had a bit of a penchant for them) and spluttered "Look at that!", pointing to a big hair ball that was embedded in the meat. He finished that one too.
I've just realised why Dave was so big.
I am fit and strong and that is all.
Gaming Mill
A few years ago I was walking back from one of the uni bars with my flatmate, Big Dave. Along the way I found a dead pigeon and - seeing as it looked like it was pretty fresh - I contemplated taking it back to the flat and cooking it. Dave said he wanted a kebab so I left him to it and continued on alone.
About 15 minutes later Dave was tucking into his food. "Eh GM, what did you do with that pigeon?" he asked in his thick, Liverpudlian accent. "It's over there, on the radiator" I said. Dave spat a mouthful of food out in disgust - I'd got as far as beheading it, but got bored and Dave had a right go at me. He still ate the rest though.
That also reminds of the time Big Dave was eating another kebab (he had a bit of a penchant for them) and spluttered "Look at that!", pointing to a big hair ball that was embedded in the meat. He finished that one too.
I've just realised why Dave was so big.
I am fit and strong and that is all.
Gaming Mill
That's not a very nice story. Plus, I think you might be a psychopath.
FURI OF THE DEEP
Do you ever download the PS+ games that Sony puts out each month? Everyone always moans about them and says they are all indie trash, but the truth is that I really like them. In fact one of the July games, Furi, is probably my game of the year. So there.
Alan Boyce
Do you ever download the PS+ games that Sony puts out each month? Everyone always moans about them and says they are all indie trash, but the truth is that I really like them. In fact one of the July games, Furi, is probably my game of the year. So there.
Alan Boyce
No. No, I don't download those games. I barely have any time as it is to play the big triple-A releases, let alone try to fit a load of indie games in there too.
D-REAM
The dreams won't go away. Please advise.
Mentuss
The dreams won't go away. Please advise.
Mentuss
Press reveal to see if Eddie the Envelope has any advice for you.
REVEAL:
CLASSIC NINTENDO!
Are you going to do a review of one of those Mini NES Classic things? I was going to pad this question out a bit more by trying to work in some kind of reference to the Nintendo Switch, but this proved to be too much of an effort.
S. Hawke
Are you going to do a review of one of those Mini NES Classic things? I was going to pad this question out a bit more by trying to work in some kind of reference to the Nintendo Switch, but this proved to be too much of an effort.
S. Hawke
Uh... I've sort of asked for one for Christmas, so any review might have to wait until the new year. That said... what's a review going to say that you can't already guess at? It's a little NES, that plays a load of old NES games. Work it out.
OLD GAMES: HERE
Actually sending something kind of serious. Shocking, I know.
For a while now I haven't been enjoying gaming as much as I used to. I just don't feel like there's a point to playing anything. I'll start up a game, play for a few minutes then just not have fun with it. I used to be able to spend hours playing games but now I just feel like I can't be bothered.
The oddity is that I can enjoy games from when I was younger even if it isn't a game I actually played when I was younger. I didn't play Doom (the classic one) until about two years ago - and hours disappeared. If I try to play newer games... I feel like I play them to the point that I have a handle on how they work and then I am disinterested in them. Most games are now so complex that it takes more than a few hours to grasp the mechanics.
Have games changed? Have I changed? Por que no los dos?
Damon V D'Amore
Actually sending something kind of serious. Shocking, I know.
For a while now I haven't been enjoying gaming as much as I used to. I just don't feel like there's a point to playing anything. I'll start up a game, play for a few minutes then just not have fun with it. I used to be able to spend hours playing games but now I just feel like I can't be bothered.
The oddity is that I can enjoy games from when I was younger even if it isn't a game I actually played when I was younger. I didn't play Doom (the classic one) until about two years ago - and hours disappeared. If I try to play newer games... I feel like I play them to the point that I have a handle on how they work and then I am disinterested in them. Most games are now so complex that it takes more than a few hours to grasp the mechanics.
Have games changed? Have I changed? Por que no los dos?
Damon V D'Amore
It's called getting old, guy. Although I am quite old, and I prefer new games to old ones. Maybe I'm just cooler than you.
STEEP AT HALF THE PRICE
I tried the "Steep" beta demo that was available on the PlayStation store the other week. It was awful. Deleted it after 15 minutes of playing.
Why did I have to walk up a mountain, in deep snow, in my skis? It was painfully slow and clunky and made me instantly want to claim compensation from Ubisoft for the hour I waited for it to download.
In other news, "my" cat knocked a glass of Diet coke over my wife's laptop and killed it (the laptop - not the cat). The flash storage is totally dead. She wasn't backed up so she has lost all her work. She says it's the cat's fault she has lost her stuff, I said it's her fault for not backing up.
Who is right please?
Seam
I tried the "Steep" beta demo that was available on the PlayStation store the other week. It was awful. Deleted it after 15 minutes of playing.
Why did I have to walk up a mountain, in deep snow, in my skis? It was painfully slow and clunky and made me instantly want to claim compensation from Ubisoft for the hour I waited for it to download.
In other news, "my" cat knocked a glass of Diet coke over my wife's laptop and killed it (the laptop - not the cat). The flash storage is totally dead. She wasn't backed up so she has lost all her work. She says it's the cat's fault she has lost her stuff, I said it's her fault for not backing up.
Who is right please?
Seam
Steep is okay... I mean, you can fast travel to places using the map, but even then there's a little bit too much of the walking for my tastes. It was a very odd decision on their part.
Whose fault is it that the laptop got ruined? Cat or wife? I think you should settle it with a fight between cat and wife. And because cats only have feet and not hands, to make it fair it should be a kicking fight.
Whose fault is it that the laptop got ruined? Cat or wife? I think you should settle it with a fight between cat and wife. And because cats only have feet and not hands, to make it fair it should be a kicking fight.
BIFFO'S FLAPS
To answer your question as to why Tim Moore might want to write a travel booking with you: the same reason you want to write with him. You're a team and make phenomenal stuff together. Considering he worked with you in Biffovision, the Block Party and Found Footage there's clearly interest on his part.
Great to see you on with Larry Bundy too, can't resist a crossover.
This week's question, as you've said that writing for kids' TV has become your stock in trade how about a children's book? I'd personally love to have some sort of "Lift-the-Flap with Uncle Biffo" to read to my son when he's older.
Glyn Heaviside
To answer your question as to why Tim Moore might want to write a travel booking with you: the same reason you want to write with him. You're a team and make phenomenal stuff together. Considering he worked with you in Biffovision, the Block Party and Found Footage there's clearly interest on his part.
Great to see you on with Larry Bundy too, can't resist a crossover.
This week's question, as you've said that writing for kids' TV has become your stock in trade how about a children's book? I'd personally love to have some sort of "Lift-the-Flap with Uncle Biffo" to read to my son when he's older.
Glyn Heaviside
Thanks for answering that question, Glyn. Tim and I can rest easy now. It has been driving us kerrrrr-aaaay-zeeeee!
The biggest resource I'm short of right now is time. I'd love to write a kids' book - I have a splendid idea for one, that has rattled around in my head for years - but even aside from Digitiser2000 and the Found Footage series, and my Retro Gamer column, I've got a bunch of TV work to get through.
If one of you could kindly transfer £500,000 into my bank I promise I'll pull out of all my other gigs, and just do Mr Biffo stuff for the next ten years.
The biggest resource I'm short of right now is time. I'd love to write a kids' book - I have a splendid idea for one, that has rattled around in my head for years - but even aside from Digitiser2000 and the Found Footage series, and my Retro Gamer column, I've got a bunch of TV work to get through.
If one of you could kindly transfer £500,000 into my bank I promise I'll pull out of all my other gigs, and just do Mr Biffo stuff for the next ten years.
BIRDOK
Given the success Mr T has had keeping ruffians, miscreants and ne'er do wells away from his bins does he have any advice on how to keep squirrels away from my bird feeders?
Treacle Truffle
Given the success Mr T has had keeping ruffians, miscreants and ne'er do wells away from his bins does he have any advice on how to keep squirrels away from my bird feeders?
Treacle Truffle
Dunno. Press reveal to find out.
REVEAL:
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Shemfest is an annual gaming get-together, held in Birmingham and "mixing video games, card games, drinks, merriment and burgers", or something.
The chaps responsible are hoping to hold another next August, and thus have a Kickstarter going with the aim of raising an eyewatering £600. If that's something you might be interested in... go have a look.
The chaps responsible are hoping to hold another next August, and thus have a Kickstarter going with the aim of raising an eyewatering £600. If that's something you might be interested in... go have a look.
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