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THE DIGITISER2000 FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

1/9/2016

31 Comments

 
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Well, this week's letters page is rather anaemic I'm afraid. This is what happens if you don't bother writing in. This isn't even the cream of the crop. It's literally all we received. 

Please put an end to this tawdry state of affairs by sending emails for next week's letters page to here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
A.C.G.
This is a fact: I used to live in a flat in the same building as Ashby Computers & Graphics. Who that? Why, it was the the company that used the trading name of Ultimate Play The Game.

I left after a few months because my flat mate was a scummy scumwad with pet 'dragons' or something, that ate crickets and 'flies'. Well, I'm not sure about the flies, but whenever I'd get home the place was full of them. True facts indeed.
Gaming Mill.
Another important chapter in the "annals" of gaming history.
R.E.M.
Dear Biffo - can you draw a picture of the last dream you had? Thanks.
Paul W.
Yes. Yes, alright. Press reveal to see it.
REVEAL:
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MICHAEL STIPE
I've spent the last few days nosing around various bins for the items you requested in last week's letters page, but I must admit defeat. That said, I thought I'd show you a selection of the treasures I did manage to find on my travels:
  • An issue of The Beano dated April 13th 1991 (Nintendo competition has expired).
  • A paperback copy of Tennessee Williams' 'A Streetcar Named Desire' (it's no Cujo, but it's alright I s'pose).
  • An Audience with Freddie Starr on VHS (unfortunately still in perfect working order).
  • Four dusty, pirated copies of The Haunted Mansion on DVD (because just three is never enough).
  • A pair of trousers (slightly soiled).
  • A can of de-icer (dangerously rusty, will probably leak LOL!).

So I guess the moral of my tale is that provided you go about your business in the middle of the night and keep the noise to an absolute minimum, you CAN have a good rummage through Mr T's bins. Cheers, T!
Dr Dagless
He won't like that, you know. He's coming for you now. Check your bushes; that's where he tends to slither out from, doing his special honk.
​MICHAEL FINNEGAN
Amiga,
Digi didn't like you but that was ok,
'Cos I played games on you everyday.

Batman and Robocop were faves from Ocean,
Swapping disks for Street Fighter gave me sickness of motion.

Switching mouse and joystick led to frayed wires,
We laughed at Atari ads, for they were just liars.

When time to go we built a pyre,
Poured lighter fluid on and set it afire.

I saw your soul to Valhalla, it flew,
Got yelled at for plastic fumes and that though
TimberNinj
That was beautiful, guy. Press reveal to see what it made me do.
REVEAL:
FINNEGAN'S WAKE
Tapas means lids. Have you ever thought of using Mr T's bin lids to eat snacks from? If so, why?
Marc Booth
Is "bin lid" Cockney rhyming slang for something? Eating snacks from Mr T's "bin lids" sounds somewhat euphemistic. And before you all chip in with your witticisms - no, I'm not a Cockney. In order to be a Cockney you have to have been born in East London. Until two years ago I'd never been anywhere East of the West End (of London). So shove that up your bottles, you bunch of Mickey-taking tom-tits.
WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GOGO
Quite a while ago, I was dismantling an old desk at my parents that was part of my childhood gaming setup.

In the bottom drawer, among boxes of joysticks, I discovered a Sonic biscuit (packs of them were manufactured by Burton's biscuits in the Sonic 2 era). I must have accidentally dropped it in there while I was gaming; I used to open the bottom drawer and use it as a footrest. The biscuit was probably about ten years old.

My question is: have you ever discovered any mouldy gamer food during your rummages? What are your preferred eats when gaming?
Stuart Lindsay
I don't think I've got any games that old, though the shed is due for a clean-out this month, so Bronk knows what I'll find in there. Mind you... if it's going to be anything, it'll be crisps. That's pretty much all I eat anyway, gaming or not.

Have you seen that Walkers have started doing sandwich-flavour crisps? Cucumber and salad cream. I kid thee not. Works better than it has any right to.

Incidentally, if anybody can get me a box of mushroom-flavour crisps from Ukraine, I'll reward them handsomely. I've looked everywhere online, with zero success. They were the best crisps I've ever eaten. Though that might've been the radiation affecting my tastebuds...
GOGO DANCER
I am Mrs Alice Jameson,from united Kingdom,nice to meet you get back to me  thanks?
Zahra Dindiane
So few letters this week that I've had to resort to sharing our Digitiser2000 spam. Still better than most of the emails we usually get, eh?
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Hello. I'm a popular comedian called The Man's Daddy. Would you like to hear my newest jokes? In fact... yowzer! These jokes are so new that they're still covered in amniotic fluid, and their mother's guts!

​Sorry if that was a little graphic. I'm just trying out some new material to make me appear more dynamic and edgy on stage. It probably doesn't work. Oh well. Anyway. Sorry if you were offended. I suppose I'd best go. Here are my jokes then. Hope you like them. Bye. Yeah, bye then.

QUESTION: What do you call a bowl filled with a dense block of romain lettuce, chicken and parmesan?
ANSWER: A caesar solid (salad)

QUESTION: What word do snakes use to describe a leaking air bed?
ANSWER: "Ssssssssss!"

QUESTION: What medal did the brontosaurus win at the Dinosaur Olympics?
ANSWER: The Brons (bronze).

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31 Comments
Timmysharted
1/9/2016 10:08:46 pm

Thursday sweaters.

Reply
Mr Biffo
1/9/2016 10:10:37 pm

Sssssh! I hit "Post" instead of "Save". Never mind. Enjoy it early.

Reply
Chris Wyatt
2/9/2016 08:38:33 am

Postman Pat on the mind.

Dr Kank
1/9/2016 10:15:50 pm

I was just about to send a letter in, honest! It was going to be about how nobody talks about playability in games reviews any more.

Reply
Scott C
1/9/2016 11:49:06 pm

Friday letters? Well technically it is 00:47 on Friday but I am cheating by just happening to be in the Netherlands tonight, but not really Friday! Maybe for the Aussie/Kiwi, if any, readers?

Reply
Da5e
2/9/2016 09:56:07 am

Red's True Barbecue do a bin lid full of meat, at least in the Nottingham one. It really actually is an old metal bin lid, which has been filled with various morsels of flesh.

Reply
SMURF PASTA
2/9/2016 12:13:30 pm

I HAD SMURF PASTA IN BELGIUM ONCE.

Reply
timmy lowercase
2/9/2016 09:11:57 pm

i had bundy souffle

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Adam
2/9/2016 12:30:47 pm

I know someone at work from Ukraine, i'll ask her if she's going back there anytime soon. Although mushroom crisps = sound disgusting.

Reply
Mr Biffo
5/9/2016 07:29:18 am

Mushroom crisps = best. Ask your Ukrainian friend if she has a Ukrainian food supplier in the UK...

Reply
Adam
2/9/2016 12:50:20 pm

Not Ukrainian, but maybe worth a punt - http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Crisps-of-The-World-Paris-90g-x-10-bags-/252507903216?hash=item3acaa4d4f0:g:xWwAAOSw9NdXucV6

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Mr Biffo
5/9/2016 07:26:34 am

But... no mushroom?

Reply
DrHamSprayDeCrotteHock
2/9/2016 01:19:37 pm

Needs more Spray De Crotte.

Reply
Clive Peppard
2/9/2016 03:23:33 pm

Im not writing to you again until you get a Kraken to man the post bag

Reply
David W
2/9/2016 06:47:07 pm

I'll settle for Postman Pat and his kraken-like cat.

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Chris Wyatt
2/9/2016 08:31:46 pm

I'd settle for Postman Pat Cat Crack. That's where dreams are made of.

Damon link
2/9/2016 03:25:22 pm

I have a date tonight and I'm using that snake joke. If my date gets up and leave I will invoice you for their half of the meal.

Reply
Rakladtor IV
2/9/2016 09:18:35 pm

Ew you're soiling that shit spray wiping it on an Amiga like that

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timmypoos (often enough to be considered 'regular')
2/9/2016 09:48:25 pm

Who actually needs to buy the stuff in a can anyway? It's not difficult to make your own is it? Waste of money.

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Rakladtor IV
2/9/2016 10:05:19 pm

I disagree, judging by it's consistency that's some quality shit spray. Such good shit deserves to be smeared across a better surface than Amiga plastic

Timmypoosdaily
2/9/2016 10:42:23 pm

I prefer D.I.Y, it's a matter of preference I s'pose

Reply
Rakladtor IV
2/9/2016 11:13:35 pm

we'll have to discuss diet sometime, constipation often leaves me empty handed

timmypoos
2/9/2016 11:39:54 pm

Wednesday's fine for me if your not busy?

Rak IV fecal whore
3/9/2016 04:31:48 am

number 2 on Timmy's shoe
Did clumsy Timmy miss the loo?
Or was it poo from Rakladtor?
The filthy hairy fecal whore
Poo is spread across Amiga
ST, PC, and a Seeega
Lumpy nutty chunks of joy
to smear all over a gameboy!
Gamegears go with brown I think
Atari Lynx is gonna stink
VCS is brown and black and plays a game called 'crap attack'
Poo in snes slots then eject em
Seems that spectrum rhymes with rectum..
I'll soil an Amstrad just a tad
Sega dreamcast smellin bad
Wii U wears a dolloped treat
Jaguar's a toilet seat

Timmy hasn't been today
3/9/2016 08:00:40 pm

Hahaaa! love it! Shit and pee on ps3, ps4's my shitpiss whore

Reply
FEoD link
2/9/2016 10:26:27 pm

Clearly a double bluff by Biffo with "shove that up your bottles", as in bottle-farses, which is rhyming slang that only a true Pearly King could know and decode.
Secretly being Cockney is how he was able to write such authentic dialogue for Dirty Den back in the day I suspect...

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David W
3/9/2016 11:01:25 am

The joke is on you. Commodore did that far better by bundling Dangerous Streets with the CD32.

I also had Skidmarks on my Amiga. It was a fun racing game. Now begone before I tell you about Babylon Zoo.

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correcto-right-a-tron
3/9/2016 02:03:18 pm

Babylon 5

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Jas Mann
3/9/2016 05:20:19 pm

No, those special effects were old ships from Button Moon covered in dirty cling film. I was entirely generated by the Amiga, which made life quite difficult when Commodore self-destructed.

A Musiclover
3/9/2016 08:51:28 pm

The Amiga vs Atari ST tribalism is very much akin to the Blur vs Oasis divide in the 1990s; your preference was very much determined by how bad your taste in music (games) was. See?

Reply
Rakladtor IV
4/9/2016 10:31:13 pm

hmm, Oasis and Blur had different songs whereas games on ST/Amiga were usually on both formats. The tribalism I found was usually Amiga vs console owners tbh. There was a clique of ST and Amiga owners plus one Archimedes guy who all stuck together.

Reply



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