THE DIGITISER2000 FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

Well, this week's letters page is rather anaemic I'm afraid. This is what happens if you don't bother writing in. This isn't even the cream of the crop. It's literally all we received. 

Please put an end to this tawdry state of affairs by sending emails for next week's letters page to here: digitiser2000@gmail.com

A.C.G.
This is a fact: I used to live in a flat in the same building as Ashby Computers & Graphics. Who that? Why, it was the the company that used the trading name of Ultimate Play The Game.

I left after a few months because my flat mate was a scummy scumwad with pet 'dragons' or something, that ate crickets and 'flies'. Well, I'm not sure about the flies, but whenever I'd get home the place was full of them. True facts indeed.
Gaming Mill.

Another important chapter in the "annals" of gaming history.

R.E.M.
Dear Biffo - can you draw a picture of the last dream you had? Thanks.
Paul W.

Yes. Yes, alright. Press reveal to see it.

REVEAL:

MICHAEL STIPE
I've spent the last few days nosing around various bins for the items you requested in last week's letters page, but I must admit defeat. That said, I thought I'd show you a selection of the treasures I did manage to find on my travels:

• An issue of The Beano dated April 13th 1991 (Nintendo competition has expired).
• A paperback copy of Tennessee Williams' 'A Streetcar Named Desire' (it's no Cujo, but it's alright I s'pose).
• An Audience with Freddie Starr on VHS (unfortunately still in perfect working order).
• Four dusty, pirated copies of The Haunted Mansion on DVD (because just three is never enough).
• A pair of trousers (slightly soiled).
• A can of de-icer (dangerously rusty, will probably leak LOL!).

So I guess the moral of my tale is that provided you go about your business in the middle of the night and keep the noise to an absolute minimum, you CAN have a good rummage through Mr T's bins. Cheers, T!
Dr Dagless

He won't like that, you know. He's coming for you now. Check your bushes; that's where he tends to slither out from, doing his special honk.

​MICHAEL FINNEGAN
Amiga,
Digi didn't like you but that was ok,
'Cos I played games on you everyday.

Batman and Robocop were faves from Ocean,
Swapping disks for Street Fighter gave me sickness of motion.

Switching mouse and joystick led to frayed wires,
We laughed at Atari ads, for they were just liars.

When time to go we built a pyre,
Poured lighter fluid on and set it afire.

I saw your soul to Valhalla, it flew,
Got yelled at for plastic fumes and that though
TimberNinj

That was beautiful, guy. Press reveal to see what it made me do.

REVEAL:

FINNEGAN'S WAKE
Tapas means lids. Have you ever thought of using Mr T's bin lids to eat snacks from? If so, why?
Marc Booth

Is "bin lid" Cockney rhyming slang for something? Eating snacks from Mr T's "bin lids" sounds somewhat euphemistic. And before you all chip in with your witticisms - no, I'm not a Cockney. In order to be a Cockney you have to have been born in East London. Until two years ago I'd never been anywhere East of the West End (of London). So shove that up your bottles, you bunch of Mickey-taking tom-tits.

WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GOGO
Quite a while ago, I was dismantling an old desk at my parents that was part of my childhood gaming setup.

In the bottom drawer, among boxes of joysticks, I discovered a Sonic biscuit (packs of them were manufactured by Burton's biscuits in the Sonic 2 era). I must have accidentally dropped it in there while I was gaming; I used to open the bottom drawer and use it as a footrest. The biscuit was probably about ten years old.

My question is: have you ever discovered any mouldy gamer food during your rummages? What are your preferred eats when gaming?
Stuart Lindsay

I don't think I've got any games that old, though the shed is due for a clean-out this month, so Bronk knows what I'll find in there. Mind you... if it's going to be anything, it'll be crisps. That's pretty much all I eat anyway, gaming or not.

Have you seen that Walkers have started doing sandwich-flavour crisps? Cucumber and salad cream. I kid thee not. Works better than it has any right to.

Incidentally, if anybody can get me a box of mushroom-flavour crisps from Ukraine, I'll reward them handsomely. I've looked everywhere online, with zero success. They were the best crisps I've ever eaten. Though that might've been the radiation affecting my tastebuds...

GOGO DANCER
I am Mrs Alice Jameson,from united Kingdom,nice to meet you get back to me  thanks?
Zahra Dindiane

So few letters this week that I've had to resort to sharing our Digitiser2000 spam. Still better than most of the emails we usually get, eh?

Hello. I'm a popular comedian called The Man's Daddy. Would you like to hear my newest jokes? In fact... yowzer! These jokes are so new that they're still covered in amniotic fluid, and their mother's guts!

​Sorry if that was a little graphic. I'm just trying out some new material to make me appear more dynamic and edgy on stage. It probably doesn't work. Oh well. Anyway. Sorry if you were offended. I suppose I'd best go. Here are my jokes then. Hope you like them. Bye. Yeah, bye then.

QUESTION: What do you call a bowl filled with a dense block of romain lettuce, chicken and parmesan?
ANSWER: A caesar solid (salad)

QUESTION: What word do snakes use to describe a leaking air bed?
ANSWER: "Ssssssssss!"

QUESTION: What medal did the brontosaurus win at the Dinosaur Olympics?
ANSWER: The Brons (bronze).

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