THE DIGITISER2000 FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

Well now. I'm into my final week of the Kickstarter campaign for Mr Biffo's Found Footage. As some of you are aware, I've already begun work on a short teaser episode for this Christmas, featuring a seasonal appearance from Goujon John. That's above and beyond what I originally promised! 

​Obviously, it has done phenomenally well so far, but the campaign is still some way off its final stretch goal, which will pay for green screen studio time (plus equipment and crew hire).

If you haven't supported yet, don't forget that backing Found Footage not only gets you the show, but access to a number of other benefits - including tickets to the premiere/launch party, a special edition DVD, extra footage, and even an IMDB credit. Plus every donation of £10 or more receives a unique, personalised, teletext drawing by me! 

More than that, though, even the lowest donation amount will get your name on the show, and you'll die knowing you brought something to the screen which didn't have any input from meddling TV types, who would most likely never let something like Found Footage air in the UK. That alone has to be worth something; without your support, it wouldn't otherwise exist.

Anyhow - here's this week's splendidly-stuffed letters page. If you would like to appear on next week's page, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone - please send your emails for next week to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com

THANK YOU
I just wanted to say thank you... I've been fighting depression and some other issues related to it, for years, but Digitiser always did manage to get me through a lot. Recently, a serious family emergency arose which basically took everyone by suprise and left myself and my family devastated. It happened at about the time of Digest (so I couldn't make it to the event).

But I saw the Digifest videos... and I have to say, Mr. Biffo, you sure know how to brighten up someone's life. Honestly I haven't laughed that hard at something in a long time, even though friends who have seen it just look perplexed in disbelief at what they've seen.

When you announced the Kickstarter I wanted to give something back so I backed you... and I guess you and I, as well as the Digitiser gang and Roaming Thomas, were shocked that you reached the goal so fast. It seems to have smashed way past that like Goujon John in his Goujon Mobile.

I know everyone thinks I'm crazy for Roaming Thomas. Here is an Ode to Roaming Thomas:

Oh Thomas why do you roam?
Is it because you look like a gnome?
Staying forever young,
Straying with no lungs,
Oh Thomas some say you're just a prank,
With that discordant clank,
Forever racing,
Whomever placing their hand,
On that fateful casing,
I Roam I Roam I Roamroamro.

Digitiser means a lot to me in a lot of ways. Thank you again.
Nicholas McDonald

Sorry to hear about the depression, Nicholas. What I tend to find really works when you're feeling down is if people say "cheer up - it might never happen", or tell you to "snap out of it". Maybe you could ask some of your friends and family to say these phrases to you?

All kidding aside: thank you. Hearing that whatever it is that I do might have brightened someone's day is almost as worthwhile as somebody giving me money for doing so...

Here's hoping things improve for you.

YANK THOU
So I’m writing to tell you about how I’ve been crying in bed over the last week. Literally every night before I settle down for a snore-ton I’ve had floods of tears running down my face and down my jowls and palps.

The cause of my salty ocular discharge is this cause: Mr Biffo. To be more exact, your fantastic tome “Confessions Of A Chat Room Freak”!

I was slightly reticent to start it as it seemed by its very title to have dated. I feared that it could have been written in a style that I was unwilling to accept or understand, however my fears were very swiftly allayed. It’s possibly the funniest book I’ve ever read. It’s essentially Ring Sir - where the ‘shop keepers’ are attempting to cajole you into letting them press their tubes onto the caller, with Man Diary excerpts in between!
 
Wish I’d hunted it down earlier!  The only problem is it’s making me laugh so hard I’ve been having trouble getting to sleep afterwards. So I’m suing you in real life (false)!
 
Plus I also have to congratulate you, Mary. The Found Footage thing is a childhood dream come true. I... CAN’T... WAIGGHHHHTTT! HNNNNG!
Eean

Two complimentary letters in a row? See, on the one hand I can't pretend I don't like receiving them (I'm only human). On the other hand, I feel slightly awkward publishing them, in case everyone thinks I'm going "Ooh, look at me - I'm so great. Look how much everyone loves me."

What can I say? I'm a national treasure.

LOVING GAZE
For quite a while now, I've enviously glanced at the PS4, and by the time this is published I'll be in possession of one. 

No longer will I read Edge and gaze lovingly at the latest promise of a Last Guardian release on a current Sony format, feeling sad that - due to the walled garden nature of the Xbox and Playstation ecosystems - I'll never get the chance to play it. 

I'm looking forward to playing Bloodborne, Rez Infinite & Last Of Us. I'm still in thrall to Achievements though, so anything multiformat will be bought on a Microsoft console. 

Though I've swapped one shop window for another to gaze through as while I'm getting a PS4, I'm a long way off being able to afford PSVR... 
Ian

I pre-ordered Last Guardian yesterday. I hope for two things: 1) That it's good, and 2) That it sells respectably. It's precisely the sort of game that the masses ignore, because it doesn't feature loads of grizzled men with guns.

LIAR
DO U HAVE ANY TIPZ FOR TURRICAN 2 ON THE ATARIII ST. I FINK YOU SHOULD DO A TIPZ SECTION.
STUART N HARDY

Gaming Mill, ladies and gentlemen, pretending to be the late, great, Stuart N Hardy there.

MODERN STYLE
Hello Mr Biffo. Have you ever thought about renaming yourself to Mr Bifteki? I think it sounds very modern.
Ventronomicon

Mr Biffo is timeless. Press reveal to see something else that is timeless.

REVEAL:

CHRIST
It has recently come to my attention that self-crucifixion isn't quite what it's made out to be. Your readers should be aware that it's quite easy to get a splinter, and worse still, getting the last nail in can be a real bugger to do.
Paul

Do you remember when Dominik Diamond made that documentary in which he was going to be crucified, and at the last minute he couldn't go through with it because he was too scared, and started crying, and then went to live in Canada? I bet Dave Perry bloody loved that.

PAC-A-MAC
My son was massively excited when I read to him about your experience of the Bournemouth Pac-Man air hockey game, as featured in last week's Friday Letters page. Mini-Pac-puck release!

Pac-Man seems to have had a weird resurgence recently amongst da kidz, what with some semi-decent 3D platformers tied to the Ghostly Adventures cartoon. Much "sicker" than Sonic, anyway.

Talking of sick, I learnt this week that there's a children's character called Cumference (a Sir - do you see?); as well as one called Buttocks.

What is the dodgiest innuendo you've seen in a child-friendly videogame?
Starbuck

Uh... you ask like I'm going to automatically be some sort of expert on the subject. I'm actually quite militant when it comes to the issue of putting innuendo into shows, or games, or whatever, that might be aimed at kids.

True story: in my second year working on Sooty as lead writer we got a new producer who I felt was wrong for the show. Things eventually came to a head when he started rewriting the other writers' scripts. He began inserting drug references about "chasing the dragon", and a line about a woman in the shower reaching down and touching something "soft and furry", and I threatened to quit over it unless they were taken out.

​I got my way the first time, but he continued in this vein, and I eventually gave up fighting. When the series went out - after I took my name off a couple of episodes - they got into trouble over one ep written by the producer, in which Sooty and the gang basically took hallucinogenic drugs, dressed up as "aromatherapy". Bizarre. 

​And yes, I know I am the man who put The Real Turner The Worm on Digitiser. I'm a national treasure!!!!!!!!?!!!!!

NEGATIVE-7
Could you please bring back the Star Letter you used to do back in the day? Possibly offering up a piece of the current Digi merch as a prize? 

There is absolutely no hidden agenda contained within this really great letter! BYE!
Eean

PS. my favourite star letter read simply: "I'd have the run of this old fairground if it wasn't for you pesky kids". What a really great recollection.

Back in the day of the Digi Star Letter our prizes were provided by Future Publishing: there's no way Teletext would've ever paid for a weekly prize on our pages, despite its enormous level of funding.

With this in mind, you might like to reconsider your request, given that Digitiser2000's budget is roughly £600 a month (thanks entirely to our Patreon and Paypal donors) before tax and VAT, which has to pay for two members of staff, plus review copies, and any other assorted expenses - such as webhosting. 

What's that you say? We make loads of money from merchandising? Well, actually, we're still a long way from breaking even on our most recent merchandise run. Calendars and mugs have sold well, but nobody wants t-shirts no more, it would seem. Thanks, everyone, for saying on Twitter how much you liked the new Digitiser logo shirts, and then not buying one!!!!!!!

Found Footage? Yes, yes, it has done splendidly on Kickstarter, but that money is meant to pay for the production - which is a separate sister project to Digi2000 - so I'm not going to start paying for Digi2000 merch from it. But as you asked so nicely, I do have a prize for you, which I have hidden somewhere. Press reveal to see where you can find it.

REVEAL:

DEAD-STYLE
This week, I thought I should write in about video games. It's a dead serious letter, and I'll be disappointed if there's no stupid reveal.

So, Titanfall 2 is a failure because it hasn't sold well in the first week of release. There's one problem already: a business still obsessed with extremely short sales windows.

It's also perilously close to the undignified scramble for Christmas spending money, like video games are still just expensive toys for kids. In a couple of months it will be half price and less buggy, so what incentive is there for solo players to buy now?

The reviewers are partly to blame. When every inoffensively functional first person shooter gets recommended, if you like that sort of thing, there's no room left to rave when something exceptional comes along. The publishers are complicit, nervous of their Metacritic score, so consumers are faced with a pile of similarly-acclaimed games and no idea where the gems are.

In the grand scheme of things, Titanfall 2 is still just a game about stomping robots. There's a steady market for that kind of fun, even Michael Bay couldn't destroy it, so why the rush for week one sales? It's not like the social commentary will go stale.

Another problem: still too brown and grey. Other colours have crept in to those promotional shots, but I was far more excited when you plugged Indie Kickstarter game "Rogue Raiders" this week. The work of one person, yet as vibrant as No Man's Sky. It's almost like marketing wants to hide excitement and fun, lest weary shoppers get overstimulated.

You can probably ignore this. I'm still working through my PS2 backlog so unlikely to sway sales figures.
David W.

EA seems to be committed to Titanfall 2. At least, that's what they're saying publicly - that they're in it for the long haul. We'll see. I'm hopeful that it'll be a steady seller, given the overwhelming positive response to it. Press reveal to see something else that deserves a positive response.

REVEAL:

​CRESPS
With Halloween now behind us, it's time for reflection: what's your take on the whole thing? Also, do you lay out your excess packets of McCoy's cheese and onion crisps for the guisers?  
Stuart Lindsay

The excess of cheese and onion flavour in the family crisp cupboard has become a recurrent source of tension in my household. Alas, until McCoy's start selling multipacks or family bags of salted flavour, I have little recourse but to buy the multi-flavour bags, containing the hated cheese and onion ones, which nobody eats.

Suffice to say, this drives my partner round the bend, and her cries of "Why do you keep buying cheese and onion?! Nobody ever eats them!" punctuates any given day/moment.

​Doesn't she know I'm a national treasure?