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I was caught defacing pub property with the words MOC-MOC-A-MOC! Do you consider this a criminal act? If so what should my punishment be?
Hi Mr Biffitiser. I have put some heavy research time into Dinosaurs. Over the 5 minutes of my life I spent investigating these big ol' bastards I have come up with the one conclusion.
All the evidence points to the fact that all dinosaurs lived underground - yes all, even the flying ones and the swimming ones!
Unbelievable right? Well no. Let's look at the evidence. When was the last time a dinosaur fossil was found on top of the ground!? When was the last time someone stubbed their toe on a t-rex skull? When did you last step in Dino shit?
Can you argue with these facts?
In a moment of madness I decided to write an essay about Digitiser 2000. Not just any old essay either, this was the final essay of my English degree, which would determine the end result of years of study. Luckily I didn't fail, and in fact the feedback I got said that Digitiser 2000 was "an interesting choice for analysis".
So there you go.
The controversy over a Doctor Who turning into one of those with the boobs has caused me to think about the dreaded word "fandoms" and how crappy they can be. Most of the time.
I actually jumped the Whovian Ship a while back, choosing to become a casual observer rather than a fully fledged fan over yet another transformation controversy, where they did that movie with John Hurt.
Upon commenting "Oh wow, John Hurt is going to be The Doctor", some fans got in my face for not paying attention, saying he isn't really The Doctor because he is part of him that he doesn't accept and blah blah blah. I thought if I'm going to ostracised for taking onscreen words "Introducing John Hurt as The Doctor" at face value, then I shall just give up trying to understand this mess.
To be frank, I actually want to get back on since so many fans are losing it over a lady Doctor, while others are arguing that the first lady Doctor happened in a Comic Relief episode some years back. I do not want to crush the dreams of those believers, but I must request if that becomes canon, then I must insist that the episode where The Doctor goes to Eastenders also be made canon.
In other fandom complaints, I am a member of another fandom which is actually nice to people, both in and out of it, but I fear saying which one it is out of fear of being shot. So, to conclude, it's hard to like things because either people hate you for liking them or hate you for not liking them the same way they do.
Anyway, hope you're well, and hope you receive less downer letters. Like the ones about you constantly taking a poo.
El Greenio Screenio
I hope your dad's surgery went well. I feel like a terrible human being as I commented on something and made no reference to it yet everybody else did. I am a terrible human being.
Anyways, on to the point. I thought your readers might like to know that TV channel Spike has started repeating The A-Team at tea-time. As a consequence I have watched a couple of episodes and realised that I don't remember anything about The A-Team except the theme tune, the van and the fact Mr T is in it.
In the most recent episode I watched, Mr T was beat up real bad, which was Face's fault or something. Anyway, instead of going to A&E like normal people, they went round some random doctor's house for assistance. Mr T's line? "I ain't getting fixed up by no lady doctor."
This brings us neatly on to Doctor Who. Do you think Mr T would make a good Doctor? He could resurrect his catchphrases: "I ain't getting on no TARDIS, fool", "Stay away from those Daleks (bins)" and "I cuss you bad, Davros".
Anyway, at the end of The A-Team they tricked the bikers by making a replica police station out of loo roll, and then set somebody's shoes on fire. I'm not even making this shit up.
Will we see Bronk's funeral in Found Footage?
So, you're hiring a van for Found Footage, and the filming location is haunted. It's a live-action remake of Scranton K, isn't it?
The first clue was the Daddy/Ghost/Toast combination in Goujon John's Celebrity Ghostel. Now, all that remains is to speculate who will play the whimsical nude.
Unless I'm completely wrong, and the van instead appears on the news following a tragic sleep-deprived incident.
Please don't crash, strewing props over the M1. People won't know whether to call for an ambulance or the Bum Disposal Squad.
My friend Pink Kelly used to own a macaque monkey. I don't know where he got it from but it was probably illegal.
One day he popped out to the shops for some bread so I went into his kitchen. Why? To get a bottle of vinegar to rub on its lips. About ten minutes later I heard the front door go, thinking Pink Kelly had returned - it wasn't; it was his girlfriend.
"What do you think you're doing?!" she screamed at me. "I'm trying to make it look as though it's talking!" I replied. I thought it was dead funny but, needless to say, I was never allowed in his flat again.
Well, not whilst she was still with him anyway.
He eventually swapped the macaque for a Sega Dreamcast and a ton of games.
I am unfit but strong and that is all.
I've discovered "Mr. Biffo's Found Footage" somewhere in the autumn of 2016 but it took me a lot more time to finally have a look a it and appreciate in all it's glory, as 2016 at a whole was a bit of a crazy and busy year... And 2017, while not as much, is still busy.
And as for glory - I can't thank you enough on how much your work inspires me recently and calms me a bit in the cruel summer. It's really something of a Christmas in July... Christmas, of course, being Sexy and from U.S.A. (I don't know what is this magic, but I'm listening to this all the time and re-watching the music video too).
I'm mainly writing because I'm quite bummed by the fact that I was not able to pledge for the finale of "Mr. Biffo's Found Footage". It was, of course, 188% founded without my help (not counting the fact that I've reposted it on Reddit) but I'm really sad that my finances are not as great this month.
So I wanted to ask whether it is still possible to have my 5-10 pounds unofficially given to production whenever I will have money via PayPal or somehow? Also I wanted to ask whether it's possible to help you in any way beyond that? My main profession is "Master of Political Studies in International Relations, Translator", but I'm also a bit of everything regarding filmmaking from editing to composing music.
I also have an IMDb Pro account (which was, in my case, free as I'm in Top-250 contributors) and would love to sit a few hours transcribing every single name from the special thanks credits of "Found Footage" even if it requires pausing it every half-a-second. I just love adding stuff on IMDb (and Stuart Ashen knows the least fortunate side of that - I'm now trying to clean up his over-cluttered thanks to me and a few other users page). As a sample I've added extended mix of "Sexy Christmas U.S.A." as a separate title on IMDb (music videos are eligible now and it is one, so why not?).
One of the reasons I was not able to pledge for finale in July was spending some money on my own recurring productions - a feature film named "Crudely Written Communal Fiction", which I'm filming since 2007 (ten years!) and a web-series called "The Bucket" (Vedro), which I'm filming since 2012. Maintaining those considering that I've relocated production from a zone of war conflict in Donetsk is quite a hard task.
I wanted to say a few words about "The Bucket", actually, as I've found bizarre coincidences with "Mr. Biffo's Found Footage" - such as we both managed to release an unaired pilot, a Christmas Special and a first proper episode in 2016 (well, I've made the original pilot back in 2013 to convince the cast and crew, but still).
The series themselves are a bit similar in style and plot, as well. "The Bucket" is a sketch show with a few recurring sub-plots and one recurring semi-serious segment (in the first season it is "The Wave He Gave", a weird sci-fi/horror hybrid). Would love you to see this and hear your opinion. Would love to have you in cameo in a movie and/or series for that matter, but that's me being impudent.
As for me cameoing in your project... are you sure? I don't much like being in front of the camera these days, given that seeing myself on film or in photos simply reminds me that I need to lose weight. Not being able to eat all that lovely food is a terribly depressing thought.
I sent you a letter last week. but because you were busy or something you didn't put any up on Teletext so there could be a good chance that I'll have two up this week.
Or maybe not. It's your call - I don't care. You could stamp on my foot and I wouldn't care...actually, don't do that, it'd probably really hurt because it's broken or something. Try a Chinese burn instead, that wouldn't bother me.
Speaking of my painful foot, last Tuesday was truly brilliant down in 'the place' for the Found Footage Finale. I met a lot of very nice, friendly and talented people. I didn't hear one bad word from anybody and everyone seemed to get on great.
I don't know how those that did managed to keep going for so long - I left home at 7am to get there for 9am and only managed to make it until about 7pm because my knackered foot was getting too painful to stand on.
On a more sad note regarding that day, when I got home later that night I went straight to the pub to tell people about my day; I think everyone thought I was lying again.
However, I was still quite high from the experience and got a taxi home about 3am only to found out that my three triops had died (look 'em up, they're ace!) I suspect it's because I forgot to pull the blind down in my lounge and they boiled to death in five hours of direct sunlight whilst I was out.
R.I.P. Three triops.
I am fit but unwell and that is all.
Dear readers, how was your Tuesday?
Mine was spent underground for 13 hours, working happily at the beck and call of Mr Biffo as an extra in his Found Footage finale.
As you may have heard, unlike other FF eps, this was a sci-fi extravaganza, with some professional actors, crew, and equipment, along with a bunch of us amateur extras. Without trying to spoil it, despite some, let's say, interesting costumes we extras had to wear, the whole thing was played straight; professionally lit, filmed, sound recorded and directed, and was a blast from start to finish.
It was hard work at times, with mostly zero visibility in the costumes, and some resulting bumps and scrapes, but was great fun overall. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. It was also fascinating to help dress the sets and see some of the behind the scenes work when the extras weren't needed on camera.
I'd like to thank the pro crew and actors, who at times must have wondered what they had let themselves in for, but continued to work with good humour and professionalism throughout.
Big hugs and thanks to Paul and his family and friends - namely Sanya, Gaia, Steve and Sam Horsely, who were cheerful and helpful all day. And to David, who was extremely useful and gave a great and atmospheric guided tour of the location at the beginning.
I'd particularly like to big up my fellow extras. There was definite bonding in adversity, with us working hard when shooting, and laughing and joking (almost gallows humour) between takes. So many thanks to Joe, Oliver, Jenny, Jim, Todd, Peter, Steve N, Sam A, Gaz, Fred, Mark (apologies for any errors or omissions).
I also persuaded my mate Nick to come along. He hadn't even heard of Biffo, or Digitiser, or Found Footage, so trying to explain all that made an interesting phone call. But he was happy to be involved and threw himself into it as a general runner and set dresser.
Despite initially not wishing to appear on camera, I believe he might appear (intentionally) as a single hand. He certainly did some great "barrier acting", moving some large corrugated plastic sheets pretending to be... something... behind them. Many thanks matey.
I actually missed my daughter's sixth birthday for this experience. She was a bit grumpy that Daddy "went out to play" without her, but I think I made up for it the next day with essentially a second birthday day, with cake and everything. Paul and Sanya passed on birthday wishes, and Steve H even drew some teletext artwork just for her, although I'm not sure she truly appreciates the form yet!
Can't wait to see the final result on screen, as I still don't really know what it was all about, with things filmed out of order and we only saw bits of it anyway. But if even just some of the passion making it shows up on screen, you'll be in for something very special.
Lots of love,
It's a massive relief to me that all the extras seemed to have enjoyed themselves. I was sort of cocooned away for the most part, in my directing bubble, and was concerned that you were all waiting around for a long time, possibly bored, thinking I was being rude by ignoring you. But thank you - without you extras it wouldn't look as good as I think it looks. There are two scenes in particular which will stand out as being quite unlike anything else that has ever been caught on camera.
And as for what it's all about... that remains to be seen, as several key scenes had to be dropped for time and the unexpected loss of a core cast member earlier than expected. It's going to take some creative editing to piece together what we have, but I'm confident we can pull it off.
Even if we go out on "To be continued..."