And so, we come to the end of a mercifully short and sunny week. How many times were you threatened by an owl over the past seven days? Mercifully few, one would hope. Onetwothreefourfivesixowl! Owl owl owl owl owl owl OWL!
On the count of three... the weekend will now kick off in dramatic style with the Digitiser2000 Friday Letters Page - but before it does... a mild request.
Digi's funding relies on the kind donations of our lovely readers. However, our funds have dropped somewhat in recent months - while our average readership is up slightly. Realistically... the less money Digi2000 brings in, the harder it is to justify the time it takes to write the amount of stuff we offer every week. We're not quite at that tipping point yet, but... well... y'know.
Here's a question for you: what could we offer as an extra perk or reward, which might make you more willing to help? Please send (good) suggestions to the address below.
Don't worry if you can't offer anything: we fully appreciate that times are hard. However, if you can't help out with monies - please help spread the word. Digi can't grow without you sharing our things, and telling people we're here.
Anyway. Whatevs. If you would like to be immortalised/insulted on this page, all you have to do is send your questions, comments and "whimsy" to this place: digitiser2000@gmail.com - and please... please no more essays...
One two three.
On the count of three... the weekend will now kick off in dramatic style with the Digitiser2000 Friday Letters Page - but before it does... a mild request.
Digi's funding relies on the kind donations of our lovely readers. However, our funds have dropped somewhat in recent months - while our average readership is up slightly. Realistically... the less money Digi2000 brings in, the harder it is to justify the time it takes to write the amount of stuff we offer every week. We're not quite at that tipping point yet, but... well... y'know.
Here's a question for you: what could we offer as an extra perk or reward, which might make you more willing to help? Please send (good) suggestions to the address below.
Don't worry if you can't offer anything: we fully appreciate that times are hard. However, if you can't help out with monies - please help spread the word. Digi can't grow without you sharing our things, and telling people we're here.
Anyway. Whatevs. If you would like to be immortalised/insulted on this page, all you have to do is send your questions, comments and "whimsy" to this place: digitiser2000@gmail.com - and please... please no more essays...
One two three.
PELICAN
It seems like everyone and their badger is jumping aboard the virtual-reality bandwagon these days, but what about those of us who are unable to experience this technology to its full potential?
As someone who is partially sighted in one eye (and thus unable to see 3D), I'm concerned about the gaming world leaving me behind. Will VR just be a short-lived fad that will run out of steam and fade into the background (like 3D TV before it), or will it herald in a new era of gaming with no tolerance for those like myself? All I can do is sit here and watch. No pun intended.
The real gaming rift is here, but it's not by Oculus.
DrDagless
It seems like everyone and their badger is jumping aboard the virtual-reality bandwagon these days, but what about those of us who are unable to experience this technology to its full potential?
As someone who is partially sighted in one eye (and thus unable to see 3D), I'm concerned about the gaming world leaving me behind. Will VR just be a short-lived fad that will run out of steam and fade into the background (like 3D TV before it), or will it herald in a new era of gaming with no tolerance for those like myself? All I can do is sit here and watch. No pun intended.
The real gaming rift is here, but it's not by Oculus.
DrDagless
As far as I'm concerned, VR is cool and all that, but the Oculus and friends haven't yet reached any kind of mass-market saturation. If that's going to happen, it'll be when the PlayStation VR comes out. But... well... I suspect that PC-based VR is just too much of an expensive faff for most people. People don't like faff.
Here's a terribly middle-aged example: I used to hate cutting the grass, and could never muster the enthusiasm to do it. Then one day I realised why; I despised the stress of the power cable. It'd get in the way, it'd get tangled up, it would never be long enough...
I looked into petrol mowers... but they all looked too heavy, plus I'd have to go and get the petrol, which I knew realistically I'd never do. I looked at those robot ones, and hiring a servant, but they were too expensive.
So three years ago I got an electric mower with a rechargeable battery, and have never looked back. No cable, no going to buy petrol, and almost zero faff. It's something anyone with a garden needs to consider purchasing. Consequence: now the grass gets cut, and I can look my neighbours in the eye again. That's pretty boring, huh?
Reveal:
Here's a terribly middle-aged example: I used to hate cutting the grass, and could never muster the enthusiasm to do it. Then one day I realised why; I despised the stress of the power cable. It'd get in the way, it'd get tangled up, it would never be long enough...
I looked into petrol mowers... but they all looked too heavy, plus I'd have to go and get the petrol, which I knew realistically I'd never do. I looked at those robot ones, and hiring a servant, but they were too expensive.
So three years ago I got an electric mower with a rechargeable battery, and have never looked back. No cable, no going to buy petrol, and almost zero faff. It's something anyone with a garden needs to consider purchasing. Consequence: now the grass gets cut, and I can look my neighbours in the eye again. That's pretty boring, huh?
Reveal:
REVEAL:
PULLICAN
There has been one question which has been with us since the dawn of time. What is a Reversible Sedgewick? And when will console makers listen to the public - that we want less console wars and more Sedgewicks?
Nicholas "The Possum Smuggler" McDonald
There has been one question which has been with us since the dawn of time. What is a Reversible Sedgewick? And when will console makers listen to the public - that we want less console wars and more Sedgewicks?
Nicholas "The Possum Smuggler" McDonald
We answered this last week. We can't show you what a Reversible Sedgewick is... but we can show you what one does. Press reveal to see:
REVEAL:
PUBLICAN
I bloody love instruction manuals. To me, part of the joy of getting a game - particularly something from the 8-bit or 16-bit era - was getting to ride home and pore over every single nugget of information while innumerable polythene bags fluttered around you in the breeze.
It always felt like a slightly-panicked attempt to memorise the operations manual of some unknown battlefield, into you were about to be hurled helpless and widdling.
It was a bubble. Home computer "manuals" of the 80s were largely slapdash, perfunctory lists of buttons to press, while the 21st century has seen both the death of the traditional instruction manual and its beautiful, hand-painted art.
Full circle, as it were - we've gone from retro gamers being expected to figure things out on their own because that's part of the fun, through to modern gamers being expected to figure things out because Nolan North is screaming in your ear while a controller prompt the size of an Austin Maestro smashes repeatedly into your face.
But you... yes, YOU, Biffo! You were already well into your video games by the time manuals hit their prime, and you also (if PR were feeling kind) used to get their games early, albeit often shorn of all their packaging and begrudgingly slammed through the letterbox inside a hessian sack full of cat sick.
What's your take on manuals? Did you ever bother with them? Were they worth it then? Would they be worth it now? And did you ever own an Austin Maestro?
Chris A.
I bloody love instruction manuals. To me, part of the joy of getting a game - particularly something from the 8-bit or 16-bit era - was getting to ride home and pore over every single nugget of information while innumerable polythene bags fluttered around you in the breeze.
It always felt like a slightly-panicked attempt to memorise the operations manual of some unknown battlefield, into you were about to be hurled helpless and widdling.
It was a bubble. Home computer "manuals" of the 80s were largely slapdash, perfunctory lists of buttons to press, while the 21st century has seen both the death of the traditional instruction manual and its beautiful, hand-painted art.
Full circle, as it were - we've gone from retro gamers being expected to figure things out on their own because that's part of the fun, through to modern gamers being expected to figure things out because Nolan North is screaming in your ear while a controller prompt the size of an Austin Maestro smashes repeatedly into your face.
But you... yes, YOU, Biffo! You were already well into your video games by the time manuals hit their prime, and you also (if PR were feeling kind) used to get their games early, albeit often shorn of all their packaging and begrudgingly slammed through the letterbox inside a hessian sack full of cat sick.
What's your take on manuals? Did you ever bother with them? Were they worth it then? Would they be worth it now? And did you ever own an Austin Maestro?
Chris A.
Some manuals were too big. Some of them were entirely superfluous. But some of them were necessary. Now there are no manuals, I sort of miss them. Like vinyl albums, you felt you were getting a nice package. Martin.
Austin Maestro? No. I have never owned an Austin anything. Mostly Fords/dad cars. My last one was a Mondeo I called Jocelyn. I wept when she left me. Now I've got a Vauxhall Zafira called Rothers, who cost me £950 last week, when he failed his MOT for being very old. Yes. Yes I do give names to my cars. What of it?
That's almost as dull a response as the one about lawnmowers. What's going on here?
Austin Maestro? No. I have never owned an Austin anything. Mostly Fords/dad cars. My last one was a Mondeo I called Jocelyn. I wept when she left me. Now I've got a Vauxhall Zafira called Rothers, who cost me £950 last week, when he failed his MOT for being very old. Yes. Yes I do give names to my cars. What of it?
That's almost as dull a response as the one about lawnmowers. What's going on here?
REPUBLICAN
If you had to eat any video game creature, what would it be? Your answer should be based on flavour and nutritional value, rather than any emotional ill will you harbour for said creature.
Steve Dave
If you had to eat any video game creature, what would it be? Your answer should be based on flavour and nutritional value, rather than any emotional ill will you harbour for said creature.
Steve Dave
For the reasons you state, I would eat Sonic the Hedghog's hand and eye.
DEMOCRAT
Firstly, what's your perfect Sunday? Alternatively, what's your favourite sundae?
Sean "Sunday(e?) Robinson
Firstly, what's your perfect Sunday? Alternatively, what's your favourite sundae?
Sean "Sunday(e?) Robinson
Huh. I suppose you want a funny answer. Truthfully... the best Sundays are ones where I don't have to go anywhere, do anything, or speak to anyone. Likewise my favourite sundae. And all other things.
DAMOCLES
In gaming, as in life, there are inescapable truths. Hardware companies and football game developers will always squander their lead through arrogant complacency. Nintendo will always do the opposite of what you expect, for better or worse. Graphics that look great on the box will always outsell gameplay that can't be explained in two words. These would be unwritten rules if they weren't so frequently written about.
Up until last June, one of those rules would have been "There'll never be a Shenmue 3." It was the ultimate pipe dream, a lost cause, a horse beaten so far beyond death by delusional fans that where a horse once lay there was now a sign reading "Sorry, we moved your horse because it was long dead and the maggots were putting us off our scones, but we didn't want to interrupt your flogging as you appeared to be having so much fun."
But in gaming, as in life, surprises can still occur. An online campaign and the rise of Kickstarter motivated Yu Suzuki and a range of investors to take the plunge and make the impossible dream a reality.
In gaming however, as in life, there are factors beyond a developer's control that can make or break even the most celebrated project. In the case of Shenmue 3, the wild card is the absence of Shenmue 1 and 2 on modern formats - or indeed any format since the Dreamcast.
This part of the puzzle lies exclusively with Sega, and will determine how accessible the new game will be to those gamers who've yet to play the first two installments of the ongoing story.
Thankfully in gaming, as in life, you can never have too much of a good thing, and so the #SaveShenmue campaign has evolved into #SaveShenmueHD, continuing to hammer Twitter every third of the month until where Twitter once lay there is instead a note reading "Seriously, we forgave you the horse but don't touch our social media sanctuary."
So this is all a roundabout way of inviting Digi readers to heed the clarion call and join the campaign at TeamYu.net/HD, because in gaming, as in life, there just aren't enough schoolboys asking where sailors hang out.
James of the North (in gaming, as in life)
In gaming, as in life, there are inescapable truths. Hardware companies and football game developers will always squander their lead through arrogant complacency. Nintendo will always do the opposite of what you expect, for better or worse. Graphics that look great on the box will always outsell gameplay that can't be explained in two words. These would be unwritten rules if they weren't so frequently written about.
Up until last June, one of those rules would have been "There'll never be a Shenmue 3." It was the ultimate pipe dream, a lost cause, a horse beaten so far beyond death by delusional fans that where a horse once lay there was now a sign reading "Sorry, we moved your horse because it was long dead and the maggots were putting us off our scones, but we didn't want to interrupt your flogging as you appeared to be having so much fun."
But in gaming, as in life, surprises can still occur. An online campaign and the rise of Kickstarter motivated Yu Suzuki and a range of investors to take the plunge and make the impossible dream a reality.
In gaming however, as in life, there are factors beyond a developer's control that can make or break even the most celebrated project. In the case of Shenmue 3, the wild card is the absence of Shenmue 1 and 2 on modern formats - or indeed any format since the Dreamcast.
This part of the puzzle lies exclusively with Sega, and will determine how accessible the new game will be to those gamers who've yet to play the first two installments of the ongoing story.
Thankfully in gaming, as in life, you can never have too much of a good thing, and so the #SaveShenmue campaign has evolved into #SaveShenmueHD, continuing to hammer Twitter every third of the month until where Twitter once lay there is instead a note reading "Seriously, we forgave you the horse but don't touch our social media sanctuary."
So this is all a roundabout way of inviting Digi readers to heed the clarion call and join the campaign at TeamYu.net/HD, because in gaming, as in life, there just aren't enough schoolboys asking where sailors hang out.
James of the North (in gaming, as in life)
That was a very longwinded way of giving the website a plug, "James". You could've saved yourself a lot of time. "James", press reveal to see how it could've been better spent:
REVEAL:
JOHN CLEESE
I can't think of anything game related to ask so have done some lovely limericks instead.
There once was a man named Ken
Who invented a brand new pen
He sold the rights
But it wasn't very good
Ken now lives in a skip
Margherita pizzas are ace
I rub them all over my face
Anchovies are cool
But make me pass bird shaped stools
So I smash them to bits with my mace
A table that's used to hide underer
Is of use during lightning and thunderer
But if one is too scared
Please be prepared
For cleaning off poo and warm chunderer
Retrothumbs (Twitter name)/John (name)
I can't think of anything game related to ask so have done some lovely limericks instead.
There once was a man named Ken
Who invented a brand new pen
He sold the rights
But it wasn't very good
Ken now lives in a skip
Margherita pizzas are ace
I rub them all over my face
Anchovies are cool
But make me pass bird shaped stools
So I smash them to bits with my mace
A table that's used to hide underer
Is of use during lightning and thunderer
But if one is too scared
Please be prepared
For cleaning off poo and warm chunderer
Retrothumbs (Twitter name)/John (name)
You'll notice we cut some of your limericks, "John". Not because they were bad, but because there were about five hundred of them. Now press reveal to see a new poem from The Rapping Shoe:
REVEAL:
I'm the Rapping Shoe,
I always stay in fashion
Your letter was too long,
So I hate you with a passion.
I always stay in fashion
Your letter was too long,
So I hate you with a passion.
FAWLTY TOWERS
Your latent hypocrisy and middle class apathy drips off your writing like a puntchered blowhole. This constant raking the political coals, only for you to backtrack and promise to never touch the subject again, then repeat the whole sodden process again. I've had enough.
Your innocent lost act doesn't wash with me (you should be more choosy who you work with) so just cut the crap, act like a grown up and tell us the truth, which ketchup is best, Heinz or Daddies?
Margaret Fuckery
Your latent hypocrisy and middle class apathy drips off your writing like a puntchered blowhole. This constant raking the political coals, only for you to backtrack and promise to never touch the subject again, then repeat the whole sodden process again. I've had enough.
Your innocent lost act doesn't wash with me (you should be more choosy who you work with) so just cut the crap, act like a grown up and tell us the truth, which ketchup is best, Heinz or Daddies?
Margaret Fuckery
So first you insult me, then you demand to know which ketchup is best. Look, why would anyone who grew up in the 1970s ever use Daddies? Do you remember the creepy Daddy on the bottle? He looked like a sexual predator. No wonder the sauce was brown.
MAN DIARY - MAY 6th 2016
Following a landslide victory, I've got a new job as the Mayor of London. It was considered a landslide victory after a landslide defeated all my competitors by killing them, leaving me the only candidate by default.
My first task as Mayor is to clean up the landslide. I have decided to do this by hiring some bears to eat the landslide that I caused. I don't know much about bears, but I do know that the vast majority of them are currently unemployed.
Some of my advisors have asked me to do some further research into whether it's safe for bears to eat landslides, but I'm going with my gut on this one. I don't know why, but I just have a really vivid picture in my head of twenty or so bears gobbling up a landslide - and being fine about it.
My second task as mayor, is to hold a memorial ceremony in honour of those I defeated, by holding a public tribute where I'll push some bits of speck down a playground slide, onto the word "LAND", which I will have chalked on the pavement..
My first task as Mayor is to clean up the landslide. I have decided to do this by hiring some bears to eat the landslide that I caused. I don't know much about bears, but I do know that the vast majority of them are currently unemployed.
Some of my advisors have asked me to do some further research into whether it's safe for bears to eat landslides, but I'm going with my gut on this one. I don't know why, but I just have a really vivid picture in my head of twenty or so bears gobbling up a landslide - and being fine about it.
My second task as mayor, is to hold a memorial ceremony in honour of those I defeated, by holding a public tribute where I'll push some bits of speck down a playground slide, onto the word "LAND", which I will have chalked on the pavement..
Where do the emails go? They go here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
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