Brexit? Brexit schmexit. It's a new day, and we didn't all die in our sleep. And to mark the occasion of our continued non-deadness, here's a bumper edition of the Digitiser2000 Friday Letters Page.
If you wish to send us money you can do that here.
If you wish to send us an email you must do that here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
If you wish to send us money you can do that here.
If you wish to send us an email you must do that here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
TED HUGHES
I have noticed there is a distinct lack of poetry in the letters page, and so I thought I would rectify this with a simple poem I composed. I call it Ode To Sonic The Hedgehog. It is about everybody's favourite video game character, Sonic the Hedgehog. The rhyme structure is a little unusual, but I think it works.
Oh Sonic, with your fur so spiky and blue,
You are a rodent that is real brave and true,
Though you should probably be living in a zoo.
Sonic, you collect lots of rings,
But you never wear any jewellery like those rings,
Maybe you should try collecting some other things.
Sonic, your enemy is called Shadow,
A bad hedgehog who is rotten to the core,
He seems like a real evil door (doer).
Stringfellow Hawke
I have noticed there is a distinct lack of poetry in the letters page, and so I thought I would rectify this with a simple poem I composed. I call it Ode To Sonic The Hedgehog. It is about everybody's favourite video game character, Sonic the Hedgehog. The rhyme structure is a little unusual, but I think it works.
Oh Sonic, with your fur so spiky and blue,
You are a rodent that is real brave and true,
Though you should probably be living in a zoo.
Sonic, you collect lots of rings,
But you never wear any jewellery like those rings,
Maybe you should try collecting some other things.
Sonic, your enemy is called Shadow,
A bad hedgehog who is rotten to the core,
He seems like a real evil door (doer).
Stringfellow Hawke
Yeah. Cheers. Press reveal for a poem from The Rapping Shoe:
REVEAL:
"I'm The Rapping Shoe,
I just read your rhyme,
I didn't like it much,
'Cos it's a lyrical crime."
I just read your rhyme,
I didn't like it much,
'Cos it's a lyrical crime."
TED TALKS
Disable website comments, remove them from every news and opinion article, from YouTube and Reddit and Quora and all the rest too. In fact, get rid of comments and replies and likes and re-tweets from every platform we have, from every Internet site. In fact, don't print this letter, or any future letters pages either.
The Internet. We have in our lifetimes seen this increasingly important tool swell to an incredible landscape of connectivity - it's truly wonderful, and the way we interact is advancing all of the time.
Perhaps advancing too fast? I'm not sure we've had time enough to grow into it just yet.
Look at almost any article on any site, or any opinion that's thrust into the limelight, and you'll see a sickening window on the world. An effortless (and often anonymous) heartlessness that has grown beyond cynicism and adolescent sarcasm. One thousand detractors for every one honest thought put forward; picking apart a persons point to bones while cannibalistically turning on each other as they go -branching aimless hate and vitriol with absolute indiscretion and to no end or agenda.
It doesn't matter what you are talking about, and for which side or standpoint you are arguing. It doesn't matter if you speak freely and informally or undertake research and provide respectable citations. It doesn't matter if you're talking about politics or a packets of crisps - it shouldn't matter at all...
So, get rid of the right to reply online all together until we are ready to connect with a little more warmth, and to greater purpose. Until then, people can always write letters, the comparative effort required will give time to consider if it's really worthwhile.
Marc Booth.
Disable website comments, remove them from every news and opinion article, from YouTube and Reddit and Quora and all the rest too. In fact, get rid of comments and replies and likes and re-tweets from every platform we have, from every Internet site. In fact, don't print this letter, or any future letters pages either.
The Internet. We have in our lifetimes seen this increasingly important tool swell to an incredible landscape of connectivity - it's truly wonderful, and the way we interact is advancing all of the time.
Perhaps advancing too fast? I'm not sure we've had time enough to grow into it just yet.
Look at almost any article on any site, or any opinion that's thrust into the limelight, and you'll see a sickening window on the world. An effortless (and often anonymous) heartlessness that has grown beyond cynicism and adolescent sarcasm. One thousand detractors for every one honest thought put forward; picking apart a persons point to bones while cannibalistically turning on each other as they go -branching aimless hate and vitriol with absolute indiscretion and to no end or agenda.
It doesn't matter what you are talking about, and for which side or standpoint you are arguing. It doesn't matter if you speak freely and informally or undertake research and provide respectable citations. It doesn't matter if you're talking about politics or a packets of crisps - it shouldn't matter at all...
So, get rid of the right to reply online all together until we are ready to connect with a little more warmth, and to greater purpose. Until then, people can always write letters, the comparative effort required will give time to consider if it's really worthwhile.
Marc Booth.
Jesus. As if things aren't bleak enough already today.
TEDDY BEARS' PICNIC
I love your teletext fake ad for the German techno CD - featuring Der Mega-Catt: "Ja ist cool!".
When I was a teenager my friend had BSkyB, and we used to watch MTV Europe - which was a weird transcontinental version with earnest mitteleuropan presenters named things like "Hans" talking enthusiastically about Pearl Jam. In fact the whole thing was spoofed memorably by Chris Morris on the Day Today (the Fur-Q episode).
This channel often carried ads for German techno compilations - the one my friends and I liked featured about 30 seconds of excitable and unintelligible German suddenly finishing with "RELEASE DER KRAKEN! IST DER MEGAMIX!"
So - was this the inspiration for your fake ad (and also perhaps your interest in the "Kraken") - or is it just some weird coincidence? We thought it was funny too and in fact we made a puerile school play featuring the quote.
Chomboss Wankuss
I love your teletext fake ad for the German techno CD - featuring Der Mega-Catt: "Ja ist cool!".
When I was a teenager my friend had BSkyB, and we used to watch MTV Europe - which was a weird transcontinental version with earnest mitteleuropan presenters named things like "Hans" talking enthusiastically about Pearl Jam. In fact the whole thing was spoofed memorably by Chris Morris on the Day Today (the Fur-Q episode).
This channel often carried ads for German techno compilations - the one my friends and I liked featured about 30 seconds of excitable and unintelligible German suddenly finishing with "RELEASE DER KRAKEN! IST DER MEGAMIX!"
So - was this the inspiration for your fake ad (and also perhaps your interest in the "Kraken") - or is it just some weird coincidence? We thought it was funny too and in fact we made a puerile school play featuring the quote.
Chomboss Wankuss
Yes! That's exactly what the inspiration was. We used to have MTV Europe on in the Digi office. You know: back in the day when they actually showed music videos. Also, it used to really annoy Julian, who ran Bamboozle, and sat on the other side of the partition. Which was a bit unfair, as Julian was really nice. He also didn't like us hitting the box under our desk with a tennis racket, or when we played our special game where we shouted swear words really loudly.
READY TEDDY GO
There's been an increase in reproduction games in the PC Engine/TurboGrafx-16 community recently. Many of these repros are for games that have become prohibitively expensive for people to buy due to the 'collectors' and sellers hiking up prices.
Some people are reproducing the plain carts (HuCARDS) and CDs in fresh packaging, while others have been creating lavish new sets that sell for a pretty penny.
On the one hand, these allow players to own something physical that looks nice for a reasonable price. On the other hand, they are basically unlicensed and illegal (and while downloading ROMs is also a legally grey area, nobody is profiting from that).
What is your position on repros like this? Do they cross the line, or does it really matter when companies like Konami couldn't give two hoots about their old library anyway?
Paul Weller
There's been an increase in reproduction games in the PC Engine/TurboGrafx-16 community recently. Many of these repros are for games that have become prohibitively expensive for people to buy due to the 'collectors' and sellers hiking up prices.
Some people are reproducing the plain carts (HuCARDS) and CDs in fresh packaging, while others have been creating lavish new sets that sell for a pretty penny.
On the one hand, these allow players to own something physical that looks nice for a reasonable price. On the other hand, they are basically unlicensed and illegal (and while downloading ROMs is also a legally grey area, nobody is profiting from that).
What is your position on repros like this? Do they cross the line, or does it really matter when companies like Konami couldn't give two hoots about their old library anyway?
Paul Weller
Dunno. I don't even know what they are, Wellard.
ON ME TED, SON
Everyone refers to the film 'Brokeback Mountain' as 'the gay cowboy film,' but imagine my disappointment when I watched the 134-minute epic and saw not one single cow.
The two protagonists are sheep ranchers, and should be referred to as such.
I've written to River Road Entertainment about what should be called "the gay sheepboy film," but am yet to receive a response.
Bradford N'bingli, Brazzaville
Everyone refers to the film 'Brokeback Mountain' as 'the gay cowboy film,' but imagine my disappointment when I watched the 134-minute epic and saw not one single cow.
The two protagonists are sheep ranchers, and should be referred to as such.
I've written to River Road Entertainment about what should be called "the gay sheepboy film," but am yet to receive a response.
Bradford N'bingli, Brazzaville
We contacted them for you, and they asked us to pass on a message. Press reveal to see what they had to say:
REVEAL:
DON'T TED ON ME
E3 has been and gone. But what have we really learned other than the fact Micrososoft are the kings of messing up, and that Sony are the victors at announcing nebulous software that might not ever come to fruition? Though it seems that The Last Guardian might actually ship by next E3, Fumito Ueda or not.
VR, while a quantum leap forward from the absurd 1990s tech from Digi's heyday, remains out of reach for all but the deepest pocketed PC gamer or cash rich PS4 owner, when it ships this autumn.
Handheld gaming seems to have been an afterthought, though who knows what Nintendo have in mind with the forthcoming NX.
At the end of the day though, E3 is just a feeding frenzy that gives the remaining vestiges of print media a few months worth of copy until the 'holiday season' deluge. I just can't get excited about it any more, it can't just be me that feels this way...
Ian
PS. Where are the snakes?
E3 has been and gone. But what have we really learned other than the fact Micrososoft are the kings of messing up, and that Sony are the victors at announcing nebulous software that might not ever come to fruition? Though it seems that The Last Guardian might actually ship by next E3, Fumito Ueda or not.
VR, while a quantum leap forward from the absurd 1990s tech from Digi's heyday, remains out of reach for all but the deepest pocketed PC gamer or cash rich PS4 owner, when it ships this autumn.
Handheld gaming seems to have been an afterthought, though who knows what Nintendo have in mind with the forthcoming NX.
At the end of the day though, E3 is just a feeding frenzy that gives the remaining vestiges of print media a few months worth of copy until the 'holiday season' deluge. I just can't get excited about it any more, it can't just be me that feels this way...
Ian
PS. Where are the snakes?
Press reveal to find out.
REVEAL:
"They're dead in a toilet."
NIGHT OF THE LIVING TED
Wozniak, anyone?
https://www.thinkinc.org.au/events/woz/
That came up as one of them 'we know the sort of stuff you're into from the websites you visit' type of ads. So cheers, Digi.
Now... Battlefront! I hear lots of 'does anyone still play?!' and to that I say 'yes', and also I say 'Bespin DLC thing is lovely'. I never played older Battlefronts so I'm bored of people knocking this one which has done me well for 8 months or so now and absolutely reeks of classic Star Wars, and so, thoughts on Bespin, particularly from you, Biffo. And I want my very own reveal-o too please.
Dacanesta.
Wozniak, anyone?
https://www.thinkinc.org.au/events/woz/
That came up as one of them 'we know the sort of stuff you're into from the websites you visit' type of ads. So cheers, Digi.
Now... Battlefront! I hear lots of 'does anyone still play?!' and to that I say 'yes', and also I say 'Bespin DLC thing is lovely'. I never played older Battlefronts so I'm bored of people knocking this one which has done me well for 8 months or so now and absolutely reeks of classic Star Wars, and so, thoughts on Bespin, particularly from you, Biffo. And I want my very own reveal-o too please.
Dacanesta.
I've not played Battlefront in months, and haven't downloaded Bespin yet. It started to make me sad about the lack of a campaign. Reveal? Yeah, ok. I'll make it a good one:
REVEAL:
TED MEN TELL NO TALES
I went out to vote the other day. I thought it was odd that there were children playing in the playground of the school that was my designated polling station. I went round the back and was approached by two members of staff who questioned what I was up to, and said that the police were currently being called. Turns out I'd turned up a day early.
It didn't help that I was wearing a black, leather raincoat with the collar up. One of the staff members said it made me look even more suspicious, "dressed like Blade". The police arrived and the confusion was eventually cleared up, even though the officers questioned if my ID was real because I legally changed my name while ago. After it was sorted I left.
I don't know about Blade - I felt more like a spatula.
Gaming Mill.
I went out to vote the other day. I thought it was odd that there were children playing in the playground of the school that was my designated polling station. I went round the back and was approached by two members of staff who questioned what I was up to, and said that the police were currently being called. Turns out I'd turned up a day early.
It didn't help that I was wearing a black, leather raincoat with the collar up. One of the staff members said it made me look even more suspicious, "dressed like Blade". The police arrived and the confusion was eventually cleared up, even though the officers questioned if my ID was real because I legally changed my name while ago. After it was sorted I left.
I don't know about Blade - I felt more like a spatula.
Gaming Mill.
What?
TEDPOLES
Have you ever kicked a door off its hinges because of a game? I have. The incident was caused by having a terrible run of Pro Evo 6 games where nothing went right.
The final straw was when I performed a beautiful one-two to get around the keeper and was presented with an open goal and then shot the ball wide. Boom rage. The frantic rehanging of the door before the wife got home soon calmed me back down.
That would have been about 10 years ago. I would have been 32. 32 years of age. A grown man.
Stacy King
Have you ever kicked a door off its hinges because of a game? I have. The incident was caused by having a terrible run of Pro Evo 6 games where nothing went right.
The final straw was when I performed a beautiful one-two to get around the keeper and was presented with an open goal and then shot the ball wide. Boom rage. The frantic rehanging of the door before the wife got home soon calmed me back down.
That would have been about 10 years ago. I would have been 32. 32 years of age. A grown man.
Stacy King
My only two game-rage incidents that I recall are throwing my Donkey Kong Game & Watch across the living room, and punching a chair while playing Super Star Wars. Consequences: Broken game/bruised hand.
FOUR POSTER TED
Did you have a "computer club" at your school.
Was it exclusively used for exchanging pirated games or did you do anything else (like unmm, unmm I don't know what)
Arthur The Fonz-Fonzie
Did you have a "computer club" at your school.
Was it exclusively used for exchanging pirated games or did you do anything else (like unmm, unmm I don't know what)
Arthur The Fonz-Fonzie
I dunno about a computer club... but I was sort of on the fringes of the "computer boys", who'd hang out in the computer room at lunchtimes (where it was safe). I was never academic enough to truly be one of "Them".
TEDD CARTY
Does Mr Hairs have much to do with digitiser2000, or is he too busy messing around on clapped out old bikes?
Picston Shottle
Does Mr Hairs have much to do with digitiser2000, or is he too busy messing around on clapped out old bikes?
Picston Shottle
See... when I brought Digi back, it was because Hairs and I had talked about doing a book together. Then you lot all asked for a daily thing, which you (some of you) would be kind enough to help fund. And Mr Hairs doesn't have the time to do that. Not least because he spent a big chunk of last year riding around on a clapped out old bike.
But! He will be at our Block Party celebration in October, talking about Digi with me, along with Mr Udders and Violet Berlin. It will be this: splendid.
But! He will be at our Block Party celebration in October, talking about Digi with me, along with Mr Udders and Violet Berlin. It will be this: splendid.
TEDDAR CHEESE
I really loved your Digitiser stories, particularly your recollectons of the to-ing and fro-ing with the Teletext management.
My question is this: do you feel that "getting one in under" the higher-ups was central to what made Digitiser "the thing"? In other words, could some of its unique humour only have emerged due to this climate of struggles, or do you feel that was something that held it back in some way?
Keep up the good work, or, as they say in these footballish times: "go on, my son."
Stuart Lindsay
I really loved your Digitiser stories, particularly your recollectons of the to-ing and fro-ing with the Teletext management.
My question is this: do you feel that "getting one in under" the higher-ups was central to what made Digitiser "the thing"? In other words, could some of its unique humour only have emerged due to this climate of struggles, or do you feel that was something that held it back in some way?
Keep up the good work, or, as they say in these footballish times: "go on, my son."
Stuart Lindsay
I dunno really. Probably, yeah. I mean... it made us naughtier. Though I would suggest that deliberately goading the people who pay your wages is a ridiculous and risky way of making a living. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Mostly we didn't think about it though; it was about trying to entertain the readers/ourselves, rather than caring what the management thought one way or another.
MR T'S PROBLEM PAGE
Dear Mr T
I'm worried about the outcome of the EU Referendum. I'm British, buy my husband has a Polish passport. Is there any chance he might be deported?
Mrs Helen Polskisklep
Mr T says: "Being a US citizen, I've not paid a lot of attention to the so-called Brexit, Mrs Polskisklep. However, it seems to me that what your husband SHOULD be worrying ABOUT is what WOULD happen TO him should I ever CATCH HIM slapping my BINS with a SO-called kiełbaski myśliwska (hunter's sausage)."
Dear Mr T
I'm worried about the outcome of the EU Referendum. I'm British, buy my husband has a Polish passport. Is there any chance he might be deported?
Mrs Helen Polskisklep
Mr T says: "Being a US citizen, I've not paid a lot of attention to the so-called Brexit, Mrs Polskisklep. However, it seems to me that what your husband SHOULD be worrying ABOUT is what WOULD happen TO him should I ever CATCH HIM slapping my BINS with a SO-called kiełbaski myśliwska (hunter's sausage)."
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