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THE DIGITISER2000 CHRISTMAS LETTERS PAGE

22/12/2017

18 Comments

 
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Well now. I've had quite the year. A few wobbles along the way - mainly to do with elderly parents - but on balance... it has been a pretty special one.

I've got you lot to thank for most of the highs. This year I got to make Mr Biffo's Found Footage - the sort of freewheeling, sci-fi, comedy nonsense that I've always wanted to make, and that was down to the support of you fine people, as well as a whole bunch of incredibly dedicated, talented, creative types who gave up their time to help make it happen, from the cast to the crew.

I can't stress enough what a cathartic project it was, and it has really shown me that - after years of working solely in order to get paid - I value the experience, working with people I admire, and the creative outlet far more than cash.

That said, I owe a massive debt of gratitude to everyone who has backed me on Patreon or via PayPal, or on Kickstarter and Indiegogo. You saved my pigs-in-blankets more than once, and without you there would've been no Digitiser2000 or Found Footage. There's also a lovely, warm, friendly, welcoming community that has grown up around it all, and it has been an honour to watch it grow.

Thank you. You've been brilliant. 

Lastly, huge, huge public thanks to Steve "Horsenburger" Horsley, and my wife-to-be Sanya for being there through the entirety of Found Footage. They're the real unsung heroes of the show - and Sanya does a lot of meat-and-potatoes work that she doesn't get enough credit for, which frees me up to work on Digi, while also juggling the day job.

Next year, starting January 1st, will be Digi's 25th anniversary. Starting on January 1st we'll have a week of brand new "classic" Digitiser - and if you want to feature on the letters page, please send your (brief - teletext pages have limited space) anniversary/retrogaming-themed emails to digitiser2000@gmail.com
DIE HARD
Yes, yes but is Lethal Weapon a Christmas film?
Regards,
Melvin Gibs-bum
Press reveal to see what a popular character from Lethal Weapon thinks.
REVEAL: 
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OFF-COLOUR
The recent Santa = Pervert comments seem a bit off. Yes, only funnies about a (sorry readers!) fictional character, but don't you think it's slightly incongruous with your more serious moments about sex offenders?

Obviously, vetting adults with access to children is good. Vetting children too might be wise, given their natural inclination to move in for the kill at a whiff of individuality or unfashionable clothes.

It's no biggie, but was enough to jog my memory about the paedophile scare of the late 90's. The only good thing that came from that was the Brass Eye special. I tried asking your secret friend Mr. Irony if I was missing the point, but he just said my keyboard smelled like hammers.

Yes, it's almost Christmas, and I can't be bothered to work either. So here's an alternative suggestion for lazy humour: classic Digitiser characters reveals in this very letters page! You know, fan favourites like Mr. T's Shoe, The Rapping Snakes, and Phone Man.
David W
Loathe as I am to explain a joke - and it's barely a joke - it's really the feeling that, in this post-Yewtree world, I find myself looking at all those (male) icons from my youth and wondering "Did they...?". Y'know.

Heck, even outside of the world of entertainment, I sort of wonder it about pretty much every bloke I meet.

"Is he a pervert? Would he be a pervert given sufficient power? Has he done stuff that could be construed as harassment? He's a bit weird... is that a symptom of something more?"

And - in terms of me doing funnies - I can't really do what I do in a vacuum, because I never have done.  It affects me, it unnerves me, and I find it hard to switch that off. If I'm to continue producing stuff that's sincere and true, and meaningful to me, then I can't really self-censor. Comedy, for better or worse, is sort of what I do.

Plus, something I learned when I did my psychotherapy training is the importance of being able to laugh, as a form of catharsis. I'm a firm believer that comedy can also make important points - it can make you laugh and think - and while I wouldn't put my Santa = Pervert comments up there with, I dunno, Peter Cooke or somebody, I don't feel it was laughing at the very idea of dirty sex pests, or the victims.

It's more about how ludicrous it is that we find ourselves in a world where we're forced to question all those people who we put on a pedestal, because they're famous, or powerful, or our heroes. If that makes you uncomfortable... well, job done. What I wrote was meant to.

Anyway. It's incredibly depressing, not least for the fact that I've had to explain my tongue-in-cheek comments, but I'll take your suggestion. Press reveal to see a classic Digitiser character!
REVEAL:
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CULLEY SKINK
I generally ramble a bit in email, so - as a Christmas treat - I'm not going to.

I'd like to thank you for giving thousands of people something intriguing, interesting, funny and surreal to watch this year.  I'd also like to thank you for letting me be involved in a small part of it.

From what you've written since the series finished, you seem to be happy with how it turned out, and that's very important to all of us who supported you.

Have a great Christmas and we all look forward to what's coming in the New Year

Regards,
Dave Culley
AKA Scottish Terrorist Number 1 
AKA Associate Producer
Cheers, Dave! Yep. Very happy with the final nonsense. Which, of course, was helped in no small part by you managing to find us a speedboat to fanny around in. Thanks for all you did.
SANTA WARS
Dear Santa,

I think all Star Wars fans probably have a Star Wars film script in them, and given Disney’s plans for a new film every year for the next 1000 years we all have a shot at getting at least one made. I want a Rogue Squadron film, me. Or maybe a movie about an Imperial occupation, ‘Allo ‘Allo meets Star Wars. An Admiral Ackbar biopic? (Subtext: The Last Jedi was all right, but I think any new Star Wars film will always struggle in balancing reverence to the source material with new ideas.)

Anyway. What’s your dream Star Wars film?

To close: thanks for all the Digitiser and Found Footage this year. Wishing you, yours, and all my fellow correspondents and commenters a happy end to 2017 and a 2018 filled with hope, joy and a Han Solo film.

I hope it’s not shit.
Richard Morrison
Much gratitude to you, Safeway. My dream Star Wars film? Hmm. I'm not sure. I thought a bit about how I'd have done Episode VIII, and have concluded that Ryan Johnson pretty much nailed it. I felt the same about The Force Awakens really. As a dyed-in-the-wool geek though, the film I really, really want is a Darth Vader one, with him as a bad guy chasing some Jedi across the galaxy. After that... I'd be ready to see something without Stormtroopers or Jedi.

Can't say I'm massively excited at the prospect of the Han Solo film, but we'll see.
TOP OF THE POPS
I’ve recently played through Uncharted 4 and I prefer it to Odyssey and Breath of the Wild.

Uncharted 4 is one of the best games I’ve ever played - Naughty Dog managed to make the whole pirate thing feel fresh and exciting and most of all - magical! I’ve since bought a load of books about Henry Every and it turns out that he ‘may’ have died near where I used to live… treasure hunt?

But anyway, I liked it so much I was almost ready to buy The Last of Us - but I dunno - it all looks a bit nasty… not really into that.

So yeah, my game of the year would have to be Uncharted 4 - even though it came out last year.

If we’re going to be sticklers for shit then I’d say Odyssey.

How about you? Just the Switch generally…. Battlefront II?

Other than that - thanks again for Found Footage - put a big grin on a fairly crappy year that did, sir! A very merry Christmas to you and family and all the lovely people on this ‘ere site! May 2018 make all your wildest dreams come true!

Oh, and what are you wishing for for Christmas? I’m hoping for a metal detector and a shovel… and a map.
Dean
Ta, Deano - for this, and for your sponsorship of the series and the loan of your shop for one of my favourite Goujon John skits. And for making your wife hold a "swan goujon" which was riddled with garden parasites.

Game of the year? Hmm. I avoided doing one of those lists, because they're a bit predictable. The Switch was definitely the gaming highlight of the year for me. Mario Odyssey, Zelda and the new/old Sonic would all make it into my list, were I to do one. Also, big ups to Assassin's Creed Origins for being the most gorgeous thing ever.
TED HUGHES
Fires went to ashes
And snow to slick mess
Candles pffd out wickless
Trees went undressed
Maggots fill the mince pies
They sat too long alone
Vinegar instead of wine
And silence where was song

BUT

These things did not happen
Everything is great!
I love my friends and family
and even more, on Christmas Day!
Marc Booth
Press reveal for a Christmas poem from The Rapping Shoe.
REVEAL:
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NYSSA
Hello Biffo, It will soon be 22 years since we first "met". You were hard to understand, your words distorted by distance. Although our reception of UK TV was generally fine, for some odd reason, Channel 4 was obscured by flecks of snow, its Teletext pages garbled.

​I often had to loop Digitiser four or five times to get its full import, but it was always worth the wait (years on, I laugh bitterly at the impatience of today's youth as I review our Facebook insights at work).

I just wanted to say thank you, and also this:

Q: What would Mr. Biffo call his starter if he hosted a cannibals' dinner party?
A: A Digitiser!
Turlough Kelly
You're welcome, Tegan. The question is: what were you doing for the first three years of Digitiser's existence? I'm appalled.
JOKE LETTER
Ho ho ho, it's nearly bloody Christmas! I hope everyone is prepped and ready for Santa to explode into their lives.
 
I notice in your xmas games list you didn't include C64's 'Christmas Arse Basket', a game in which, as Santa, you must drag your wicker wheelybin through the streets and catch all the falling arses dropped from the naughty elves above. In the snow?? If you say so!!! Rather him than me!!!!
 
As is now quite well documented, the original Sonic the Hedgehog started life here, as the entire game was a bonus reward for catching 5 arses in a row. Wow I really didn't have anything to say did I? Bet you I still hit send. Merry Xmas Biffo, and thanks for all your cultural treats this year.
 
Elk,
Biscuits
This is a silly letter.
CAT SCAN
Christmas, eh? Help me, but I’m not liking it at all this week. I think this is mostly because I’ve just felt ambivalent towards it, but exceptions are that I’ve got to like it. So I’m kind of fighting a losing battle with myself, and the part that really wants to like it is losing.

The allegory of this is my kitten, who we have named Zaphod. He’s 7 months old, and has never seen a Christmas tree before. So he’s climbing it, much to my annoyance, and he’s getting caught up in the lights, batting sparkling balls off the branches, and generally being very keen on “getting to the top”.

The thing is that I don’t really want him IN the tree. I’m fine with him sitting underneath it. Or next to it. Just not in it, in some frenzied ginger tabby ball of excitement. I’ve tried putting him out of the room for a while, but he’s straight back up the tree when he’s let back in. I’ve put orange peel in the tree - cats hate citrus, right? Yeah, until there’s a tree in the house. Then all bets are off. The other cats don’t do this, so I expect this is the impetuous excitement of a kitten.

So I’m losing this one. Badly. And this is how I feel about Christmas. I’m going to just let it happen, and personally, I’m looking forward to the 27th when all the insane lunacy and driving is over (Christmas is always a driving marathon for us - more so recently), and then I can rest for a while. Which is really what I want.

However, in the spirit of the season, Happy Christmas all! Here’s a video I made last year which I hope expresses the kind of Christmas you will all be having this year. It’s fine for what it is, etc..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4vpuiRn-bY

Dammit - Zaphod’s’ in the tree again…
Paul Dunning
I do miss that excitement I used to feel as Christmas approached. It hasn't helped this year that we started all the Christmas prep eye-wateringly last minute, due to getting paid three months later than anticipated. And even then, I've not been paid in full.

I would enjoy Christmas a lot more if we didn't have to make Christmas dinner - a meal I don't particularly enjoy anyway, which seems to take up the entire day - first the cooking, then a bit of eating, and then hours and hours of cleaning up. Personally, I'd be happy with a load of pretzel sticks and a tub of Celebrations.
GAMING MILL'S CHRISTMAS LETTER
You know that Paul McCaulyMcKulkin (you know, that guy from The Beatles that didn't like his last wife) song that's always played every year? They're the shitest lyrics ever; apart from the middle 8 he doesn't divulge in the lyrics from such a rubbish song.

I think he needs some proper sausages - it might cheer him up a bit... he can probably afford them. They're cheaper than the ones you can still buy using his wife Linda's brand name. Ironic, huh?

On the plus side, I get my new PC tomorrow. Mega powerful with a 28" 4k monitor. My Smoking Brother said "You'll still be playing Bejeweled Blitz on it". Yes. Yes, I will; and upscaled so it doesn't look tiny.

Merry Fetivus to Digi, family and the friends I've met and everyone else,
Gaming Mill.

PS. I'm in so much bloody agony still. Sorry to have to share this but my new PC and some medicine that I have to take via capful doses that help me sleep a bit will make my Fetivus a joy. Bring it on, 4k Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook. Nothing like forever living the dream.
It is my sincere Christmas wish that you stop being in agony very soon, Gaming Mill. Merry Chrimble.
TWO QUESTIONS
Two questions and an observation...  Sounds like a Brit TV political programme doesn’t it?!  Ha Ha!  No.
 
Question 1: What is Doc Brown like as a person?  He seems amiable and I find him funny.  Loved his work in Life on the Road.
 
Question 2: Do you watch The Detectorists?  You should, as it’s the best British comedy since Spaced (if not before).
 
Observation: You often write in a passive-aggressive (or positive followed by negative) style.  Not a criticism as such but now that I’ve noticed, I cannot stop seeing it.
 
Merry Christmas!
Martin Wright 
1. Doc Brown, in case anybody doesn't know, is the absurdly talented stand-up comedian and rapper who first pitched 4 O'Clock Club to CBBC, and it was then passed to me to develop it. I don't know him terribly well, but we've spent some time together, and he seems like a very decent bloke.

2. Yes! But only recently. We binged the entire series in about a week after we started. I'm gutted that it's finished. It's very gentle, but very real, and very funny. I loved it.

As for your last point... yeah, I do write in a passive-aggressive style sometimes. That's a bit weird really, because I'm don't think I'm like that in real life - but it's likely a holdover from the Digitiser days really. It's as much the "Digitiser style" as it is my style. Read my Retro Gamer column; I try to be less passive-aggressive in that, you big idiot.
THANKS... FOR NOTHING!
Just a quick letter to say thank you for everything what you have done this year. Found Footage is the first thing I’ve backed that I’ve been genuinely happy with, and the fact I got to help with it and met so many lovely people through it is my own little highlight of the year. And I saw a sea turtle!
​
What was your personal best bit of the year?

Much love,
Joseph Higgins
Man. So many highlights this year. The filming of The Trojan Arse Protocol in Drakelow Tunnels was a truly special experience. Aside from it being a remarkable location, the way everyone pulled together to make it happen, how there wasn't a cross word exchanged on set, made me feel incredibly blessed. Outside of that... we got to film for an afternoon with new Jungle King Iain Lee. I laughed so hard that I cried more times than I can count, across the entirety of the production.

I met - and became friends with - Asperger's Are Us, after watching their documentary on Netflix. They recited a Man's Daddy joke on stage when we saw them in Colchester, which was pretty damn surreal. The Found Footage premiere was a very special night - especially getting to meet so many backers. Filming an exciting speedboat stunt, for Manorak, was especially brilliant fun.

Also, I think - I hope - I made friends with a ton of other people through Found Footage that I otherwise wouldn't have met. Including Paul Gannon and Chris Bullock, to name but two, who I'm aiming to more stuff with in the near future.

There are so many highlights, and it sort of shows you how important Found Footage was to me when I tell you that being nominated for a BAFTA, as best kid's writer, and had a new CBBC show commissioned, don't even make it into my top 20. 

Outside of all that, I got to go to a very lovely part of Croatia for a nice holiday, to see my in-laws, and discovered a broad array of Tuc biscuit flavours.
RELAXATION ZONE
Please let me wish you and all the rest of the Digi community a happy Christmas and a great New Year.
2017 has been particularly trying for me personally, but Digitiser with its articles a mix of both the fun and the thought provoking and the consistently excellent comments sections are, for me, a place to come to relax and enjoy,  thank you all for that. I hope that 2018 is all you could hope for.
Monkey Head
Cheers, Monkey Head. Here's hoping that next year is a better one for you. Be back here on January 1st to celebrate 25 years of this weird, bizarre, special thing that is Digitiser. And have a very jolly Christmas, everyone.
18 Comments
Mrtankthreat
22/12/2017 11:30:01 am

I always wanted my cat to get in the Christmas tree but he was never interested in it. He'd bat the lowest hanging baubles but that was about it. It's probably why I don't like Christmas.

Reply
Paul
22/12/2017 02:41:11 pm

Zaphod gets right in. It's an artificial tree and he manages to rotate the sections by attacking things in it. At that point, he gets shouted at.

Reply
Bruce Flagpole
22/12/2017 11:37:23 am

Merry Christmas everyone!
Keep up the grand work Mr Biffo.

Reply
Jol
22/12/2017 11:48:44 am

Dammit, eventually I'll get round to sending a mail rather than half writing something in my lunch break and forgetting about it. But whatevs. Keep doing what you're doing Biffo; any shard of light in this perpetually gloomy world is welcome. Merry Christmas peeps.

Oh yeah Star Wars: I think Rogue One is evidence that Lucas was onto something when he spoke about creating something people could make their own stories with. He may have been talking about kids and their toys, but applying different movie archetypes to Star Wars (Rogue One to me was a WWII spy thriller like Where Eagles Dare) opens up so much potential.

Reply
RichardM
23/12/2017 02:10:16 pm

I agree. I was obviosuly being a bit whimsical with my suggestions (although I didn’t know a lot about Ackbar and his motivations until I looked them up on Wikipedia, and would like to see more of him). I think a detective noir story could work well.

Reply
Roy (Stuart N Hardy fan)
22/12/2017 11:59:22 am

Merry loada bollox (or whadevah they say these days) to all but especially Mr B.
I only discovered Digi was still going earlier this year.
Not a fan of xmas meself anymore as both my parents passed away around this time of year (2 years apart) not that many xmassessessessess ago but you've got to put on a face for the kids, innit?
On the plus side. I think one of my presents from the old woman are tickets to The League Of Gentlemen live show later next year.
:)

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David W
22/12/2017 12:22:30 pm

QUESTION: What did Noddy Holder scream when he recognised the satirist?

ANSWER: "It's Christmas!" (Chris Morris.)

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MENTALIST
22/12/2017 01:06:46 pm

"a movie about an Imperial occupation, ‘Allo ‘Allo meets Star Wars"

That's basically the first season, and start of the second of Disney XD animated series Star Wars Rebels. It's about the occupation of Prairie World / Industrial manufacturing base Lothal.

Reply
RichardM
22/12/2017 06:50:57 pm

But does one of the characters talk in broken English laced with innuendo?

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Phil
22/12/2017 01:57:18 pm

Happy Xmas Mr B and all....or is that all and Mr. B...no...whatever, Christmas! I'm getting a stinking cold...every blooming year, finish work, get sick, Christmas!

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SonOfPurple link
22/12/2017 11:49:33 pm

The best of the season to the Digi nation, and my thanks (and planks) to Biffo for the continued clank of excellence here, and for Found Footage, which remains one of my favourite "filmed things" of the year. Also good to see such support and community building up as the Biffo-verse grows and strengthens, and I'll look to play more of a part in that network myself as time goes on.
As a reader of the Teletext era I'm looking forward to the anniversary year, and it's lovely that we're here and able to celebrate it!

Reply
Biscuits
23/12/2017 11:29:55 am

Merry Christmas one and all, god bless us every one, have a lovely old time and that!

Is Dean ok? He doesn't seem like his usual DEAN self

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David W
23/12/2017 05:26:13 pm

I was shocked by the revelation that Dean is Chip Shop Man, owner of the Official Digitiser 2000 Chip Shop. Well, it was news to me anyway.

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Chris
23/12/2017 11:26:38 pm

Mr B missed an opportunity there to get him to shout "Oi! Do I look like I'm made of chip forks?!" or somesuch during that segment.

Col. Asdasd
24/12/2017 01:10:06 am

I ate too much food,

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Kelvin Green link
24/12/2017 12:44:53 pm

Lovely Fifth Doctor reference. Lovely.

Merry Chrimble Biffster! Merry Chrimble Digipeople!

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ChorltonWheelie
25/12/2017 01:23:57 pm

Merry Christmas my lovelies.
Why are we all here?
Because we're not all there....xx

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Treacle
25/12/2017 07:11:13 pm

A Merry Christmas (well what's left of it, it's so late in the day Strictly is on) everyone. Hope Santa emptied a sack of joy down all your chimneys.

Reply



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