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THE DIGITISER2000 black FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

24/11/2017

39 Comments

 
It's Friday, a day now synonymous with the spectacle of the Digitiser2000 Friday Letters Page. Of course, this is no ordinary Friday: today is Black Friday, an American tradition held every year on the Friday following Thanksgiving - an American holiday - signalling the beginning of the Christmas shopping period. 

​Apparently, it's called Black Friday because it's the day that retailer balance sheets get back into the black.

You might know that already, and if all I've done here is just restate the obvious then, well, I'm very sorry for wasting your time.

​I know: why don't you send me an email telling me what I should've done differently and pointing out where I went wrong, which is the sort of thing that now seems to make up the bulk of correspondence I receive these days. Well, that and people taking this comically curmudgeonly persona at face value. Though there's always some truth in comedy isn't there? Or is there? I guess you'll never know.

Anyway. Let's have some letters shall we?


If you'd like to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, please send your filthy emails early to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON EILEEN!
You need to celebrate 25 years with all-new Digi Teletext pages. Hundreds of them. On the web. On Channel 4. On your face.

Aside from that, some sort of 'event' at the video games place in Nottingham? This is basically because I want an excuse to go; despite living in Notts for 2-3 years, you can't take the Yorkshire out of the boy, and I'll be buggered if I'm paying a tenner to queue for a go on Out Run or something. So that.

Oh, and pixel art of spunking cocks, obviously.
Marc Webster
Brand new Teletext pages is happening. Probably. Digifest event is also happening, probably, but almost definitely not in Nottingham. Not that there's anything wrong with Nottingham, apart from all the crime.

My daughter went to uni there, and said she heard machine guns one night. Though that sounds like it might be a lie, I've just looked it up and apparently Nottingham was the most dangerous city in the UK at the point she lived there, and was known as "Shottingham" for its high levels of gun crime. You can probably blame local "hero" Robin Hood for glamorising criminal activity.
BLOWS
I just took a look outside to see which way the wind blows. But I blew off. And while doing a chuff I wondered. THIS.

I always loved "Ring Sir".

With the advent of the Youtubes perhaps you could do some Ring Sirs and record the Ring Sirs and post the Ring Sirs?

That would be "Mega-Ace and rad and cool and WELL skill" as the groovier kids are fond of saying.

BYE.
Jabberwoc.
I seem to recall reading that they've changed the law now, meaning you have to get the permission of the person on the receiving end of a "prank" call before you can make it public. Which is, y'know, all well and good... but that means I'd have to tell the person that I'd be pranking them - "Ha ha... nah, mate - it was all a joke! I was recording this! Yeah, you've been pranked, mate!"...

And, frankly, that would put me so firmly in the same ballpark as those godawful "social experiment" douchebags on YouTube that there's no way I'm doing it.
LETTING OFF STEAM
What is your view on the continual Steam sales, Humble Bundles, GOG.com sales? I think they are great at first. You stock up on loads of games, get all the games you wanted as a kid, you play some and maybe finish one or two. Then you sit back and notice you have 200 games and not enough time to play most of them. So 80% just sit there gathering digital dust.
The Porridge Master
Well. I don't own a PC. Being a Mac owner, I've learned that playing games on my MacBook causes it to grind to a halt, and overheat, so I've never really gone to town on Steam games... which is a roundabout way of saying... you're asking the wrong person. See below for more on this subject.
MASS DEBATE
How do!

Inexplicably, this is my first ever letter to Digi. So obviously I choose to waste it thus: having just bought the first Windows PC I've owned in yonks, and found it has enough oomph to run some recent games in a half-decent fashion, I coughed up for EA Origin and downloaded Mass Effect: Andromeda. I'm enjoying the shooty/exploring stuff, but get reduced to disbelief-shattering hysterics whenever a cutscene comes up because the face models are so absurdly awful. 

I know all the reviews at the time covered this so it's hardly a revelation, but until you see it you can't quite appreciate how daft it is or that it hasn't been fixed - let alone the fact they let it go out like this. It's as if the new Star Wars film had been shot entirely with the actors replaced with turkey slice-covered mannequins. 

Have there been any games you've played where there has been something so utterly stupid in it, it's turned an allegedly normal game into unintentional comedy gold?

Hail Xenoxxx etc.
Super Bad Advice
Hmm. Well, aside from bad cutscenes... the game which I got the most unintentional amusement out of was Saints Row IV. A lot of it is deliberately ludicrous, but it was the character customisation I had the most fun with; I was repeatedly redesigning my character, because it amused me to see, say, a large-breasted Incredible Hulk, flying over the city in a pair of white high heels and a pimp hat.
HE WRITES THE SONGS THAT MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD SING
I’m not feeling very wordy today, so instead here’s a picture of my compositional technique.
Chris JC
Picture
Here's a question, that I probably shouldn't ask, because every time I ask a question of the "crowd" I get a bunch of well-intentioned advice in return, which just results in me getting wound-up and irritated, but do you want Chris and I to write and release a Christmas song like we did last year? We've been thinking about doing it...
THEME PARKED
A strong theme in Digiworld this week has been that one can put a load of creative effort into something and have it receive nearly no attention, whilst a thoughtless, banal, offhand (and perhaps off-brand) aside goes viral. This leads to an understandable indignation in the self-defined creative, who will feel that their true artistic intents are not being appreciated and that people are far more readily entertained by cheap jokes.

If we recognise how prevailing this experience is, and if we judge art by its popularity (and why not?), then perhaps the product with true artistic value IS that shoddy stuff. Assess the creative history of some artists and you can see the point at which they learned this lesson. Perhaps Will.i.am is the true genius of our times.
colincidence
This... this is what I'm wrestling with at the moment. Firstly, I don't consider myself an "artist", because that's terribly pretentious and self-important, and attributes a worth and a weight to "art" which I don't think it deserves. And that goes for any and all art, most of which enrages me to an unhealthy degree. 

Go to The Tate Modern and try telling me that a) A six year-old couldn't come up with half that stuff, and b) The artists aren't taking the piss. There are millions of brilliant artists out there who are doing good pictures and that - posting them on Twitter, or Facebook, or just keeping their work to themselves - but they aren't so up-themselves as to apply to it a degree of "meaning" and value, just because they've decided that somehow a Rubik's Cube in a bucket of horse urine somehow represents that time a pervert flashed at them from a bush.

​At the same time, I think Found Footage is the closest I've ever come to creating something which might be considered "art", whereas something like Memory Assistant is just some stupid stuff. Albeit, occasionally - such as The Bullingdon Club appearing on the Bill Grundy Show post - there might be a hint of a deeper message.


Ultimately, I don't really know what I'm rambling on about here, but it seems a bit churlish to complain if something I've done proves popular, even if it did just take me a minute to do in Photoshop.
IAIN THE JUNGLE
Do you think that the Human Orchard sketch on Found Footage has adequately prepared Iain Lee for jungle survival?
Stringfellow Hawke​
It's very odd Iain being in the jungle... though when we filmed with him, he did hint that he'd be up for doing I'm A Celeb. It really has been a funny old year for me, thanks to Found Footage. Spending an afternoon watching Iain abuse Paul Gannon was certainly one of the more surreal days. 

I kind of feel obliged to support him by following his I'm A Celeb stint, but I watched a bit last night and saw him sliding through a tunnel full of rotten meat while a bunch of non-entities shrieked and whooped - which, admittedly, isn't something that would be entirely out of place in Found Footage - and realised I didn't want to watch much more.
PROHIBITION
Years ago games were prohibitively expensive, gamers' collections were generally small, swapping was common place, piracy was rife. With the advent of services like Steam we're regularly bombarded with a wide range of super cheap, if not free, games.

So much so that they can pile up to the point where you've got more that you haven't played than you have.  

I presently have over 200 in my Steam Library, about ten in my GOG account (I only tend to log into that to claim MORE freebies, but never actually play anything). Complete Sims 2 on Origin too.

We can't swap games any more, piracy certainly never appears on my radar these days (not to say that it's gone) but we generally don't need to do either.

How do you see this kind of market shift affecting the industry and moreover how do you feel it impacts gamers?
Glyn Heaviside
Odd. The second letter we've had on this topic this week. I'm probably the wrong person to ask about this. but... I guess... it's like YouTube. Does having free stuff to watch on there stop people watching TV or going to the cinema? I'm thinking probably not, because there'll always be an appetite for brand new things with massive budgets, made by experienced creators.

People want that spectacle. As fun as things like Spelunky or The Binding of Isaac are, they're never going to satisfy the same itch that something like Assassin's Creed: Origins does.

Admittedly, I may have missed your point entirely, given that I gave up using Steam over a year ago, due to favouriting a weak laptop over a powerful desktop PC, and I'm a bit distracted because I really need a wee.
+++ PLUG ZONE +++ PLUG ZONE +++ PLUG ZONE +++
Digitiser2000 reader Colin Surname has written a song about Black Friday which he'd love you all to hear. Listen up, assholes:
Don't forget that you can sign up to support my work through the means of money. Frankly, I could do with it, as I'm now three months late getting paid, and my safety net pretty much got splurged away on unexpected Found Footage bills.

By becoming a Patron you not only support the continued daily updates on Digitiser2000 - and the forthcoming Digitiser 25th anniversary celebrations - but also whatever else I decide to put out in the coming months. 

Though I've been busy working on the day job - seemingly with diminishing hope of renumeration - but I've managed the Patreon page very soon, taking all of this into account, and hopefully adding some new bonuses for backers. You can now support me for just $1 - or 70p - per month. Surely I'm worth at least that?

Click below to join the fun, or - y'know - just send me some money on PayPal so that I can at least eat this weekend. I love you.
Picture
39 Comments
Col. Asdasd
24/11/2017 11:02:34 am

That's all very well, but can anyone actually PROVE it's Friday? Because a bunch of corporations say it is? The man on the telly wishes us a 'calming Friday', and we all just go along with it. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

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Alistair
24/11/2017 11:18:18 am

Art's a funny old thing. I've recently started posting teletext pictures wot I've drawed in a more assertive "look at me! I made a thing!" fashion and it feels really odd to type the word 'art' or post in a thread with art in the title, despite them being essentially the same thing as what Proper teletext artists are posting.
They are artists and I'm just some bloke tracing over photos with pixels. It's a curious cognitive wotsit innit.

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DEAN
24/11/2017 08:11:27 pm

Just different skill sets/techniques/approach is all.

I'm a huge fan of Damien Hirst and he's got some great ideas about what art is and, crucially, why he doesn't actually need to physically paint etc. them himself - architects don't build their own houses, is one of his lines.

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Marc Webster
24/11/2017 11:35:43 am

Don't believe the Nottingham propaganda; Robin Hood was from Sheffield (and probably non-existent). All Nottingham has is lace, 1990s lies about female:male ratios and gun crime.

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PeskyFletch
24/11/2017 12:57:20 pm

Those were lies? i'm sure i read that in a uni prospectus, it nearl influenced when i went.

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colincidence link
24/11/2017 01:23:49 pm

I hear that Manchester is 30% man

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Col. Asdasd
24/11/2017 11:37:54 am

Reading about your experience with Found Footage and Do You Remember put me in mind of a game that was trending recently called Getting Over It.

There's a section in it where the narrator ruminates on digital or internet culture, which he posits has become a culture of trash, with the internet itself serving as an endless repository of discarded and disregarded thought, work and expression - things he classifies as trash not because they're bad, but because of the speed at which they're obscured and overwhelmed by endlessly more, more, more.

I'm far from convinced by his argument, but it's interesting nonetheless and I think it might chime with your recent experiences Mr. B.

The relevant speech is from around 5 minutes to about 7 minutes 30 on this video:

https://youtu.be/NnCtRm1Kug4?t=297

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Mr Biffo
24/11/2017 12:01:29 pm

Oooh - that IS interesting...

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Mrtankthreat
24/11/2017 11:44:40 am

I had this thing in college where the stuff I was really happy with and put effort into got lower grades than stuff I half arsed and knocked out the night before it was due. I've since decided that if something requires effort it's not worth doing.

As for a new Christmas song, just rerelease the one from last year like every other act does with their Christmas song. Attempts to write follow-ups never work. The Darkness' first Christmas song is a belter but the second one was atrocious. Has any act ever had two decent Christmas tunes?

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colincidence link
24/11/2017 01:10:47 pm

Two decent Christmas tunes:
Jonathan Coulton - Christmas is Interesting (good), and Chiron Beta Prime (great) but not Podsafe Christmas Song

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Spiney O'Sullivan
24/11/2017 02:31:17 pm

Cliff Richard managed Christmas number ones with Mistletoe and Wine then Saviour's Day just a couple of years later. Top that, Biffo.

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bombo
25/11/2017 02:25:31 pm

Come on though how many people can remember or sing along to "Savior's day"? It may have gone to number one but so do a lot of duds.

Hamptonoid
24/11/2017 09:52:26 pm

Yes! There is so much excellent christmas music out there...grapes and friends get together every year just to record a christmas track...

https://m.soundcloud.com/grapesxmas

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PeskyFletch
24/11/2017 12:59:50 pm

unintentional comedy in games? For me it was that first sex scene in witcher 2, i was apoplectic(but in a funny way) I couldn't get off the floor

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Mrtankthreat
24/11/2017 01:36:39 pm

I was being slightly facetious above so to be a bit more serious and possibly veer into overly pretentious artsy fartsy mode, I think the thing about knocking out something quick that proves popular could be that you're running off some innate inspiration. In a sense, and here comes the pretentious artsy fartsy bit, you aren't creating the thing, the thing is creating itself but using you as a vessel.

I've written songs and guitar riffs and such but at times it genuinely feels like "l" have little to do with it. I'm not thinking "after this note I must play a G". You just play and let the riff come out naturally. I don't bother with lyrics much anymore because they don't come out in that same natural way. They used to but now they don't and I think it would be pointless if not foolish to try and force it. I can't even be arsed with song titles anymore. If I ever released an album I think I'd just name everything track 1, track 2 etc.





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colincidence link
24/11/2017 01:43:22 pm

The Track 1, Track 2 thing was already done by Unknown Artist on the album Unknown Album.

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Biccalo
24/11/2017 02:33:49 pm

Music had already been done by Elton John at that point

Jol
24/11/2017 04:32:57 pm

I think all that slightly daft naming stuff has probably been done (including binary, song times and probably wingdings)

Taking it a bit further, Ayreon have a track on their album "01011001" where they actually sing in binary (zero, one, zero...).

I suppose you could try incorporating Morse Code, but I think that's basically dubstep.

Penyrolewen
24/11/2017 11:25:02 pm

I’m sure that’s been done lots of times (If you’re not having a jape with those names). I know Aphex Twin gave tracks on one album symbols and colours on another.
Still, my favourite is what monty python did on their album ‘matching tie and handkerchief’. It was on vinyl and both sides were labelled ‘side 2’ (of course). The clever bit was that one of the sides had 2 grooves and so randomly played 2 totally different sets of sketches. This wasn’t mentioned anywhere, obviously. I chanced to hear one set 3 or 4 times in succession before I heard the second lot. Freaked me right out. Put the needle back to the start, got the other set. Took my poor weak brain a while to work out what was going on.

DEAN
24/11/2017 07:29:03 pm

Absolutely, man!

It's like the best ideas are the simplest - we all know that - and so why break your balls trying to be clever.

I've been working on songs in the past where I've got a great riff or part of the chord progression worked out and just can't seem to find where it should go. Many's the time I've tried forcing it (never push, btw) and then tried kidding myself that I've cracked it but as time passes you can hear the truth and where you've over cooked it.

If it doesn't come easy then forget it.... for now - I mean, what's the rush - write something else and maybe 5 years from now you'll finish that old idea the way it was supposed to have been done.

I've never been a lyricist - I'd just write weird shit for the sake of it because I don't want to talk about love, I'm not interested in politics or religion and I lack basic angst.

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colincidence link
24/11/2017 02:05:40 pm

A parallel avenue to the Pop Singles syndrome:

I've always struggled to get people to give a shit about my music. I always made it free to download (recent stuff is in my username hyperlink), but the internet audience isn't really interested in music content. It's pictures or videos they want. There's also little incentive for people to hear a musician who's not established, and solo singer-songwritering is one avenue where the objectification/infantilisation of women earns them a weird privilege of audience interest.

In recognizing the appeal of comedy video content, I started doing parody songs with videos, which have proven notably more successful, to the extent that I think lots of people assume that it's the main thing I do. There's some shame in how an act as cheap as using someone else's music wholesale and banking on familiarity much like a nostalgic Twitter proves to work more than the composition I value myself on. Good comedy of course takes talent, but it's still a silly fuckaround and has less """""""""""""""soul""""""""""""""" than a decade of songwriting. My experience of busking with familiar songs is comparable, and I wonder how many tribute artists are budding creative who just decided to kick in the pride and give the people what they want.

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DEAN
24/11/2017 07:57:08 pm

I just listened to several of your songs and they're cool but boy are they written - they're going to need several listens to bed in - and that's the thing - why would somebody make that investment in your music when there's a whole internet out there waiting to sate them in an instant.

That's not to say I think that's right - it is what it is.

I was never into playing covers but people sure do love them. I remember I played in my college tutor's band one night at some birthday party and it was pretty much 2-3 hours of soul covers. People loved it and I was utterly bored shitless - I remember thinking, resentfully, that why don't people have the same enthusiasm for my band and our songs!

To relate it back to comedy - tell us one we know!

I think your strongest appeal is your voice and my (unbidden) advice would be to really showcase that - in the covers AND in your original stuff. That's what makes you special and would make someone want to listen to you.... in my opinion, obviously.

You could NAIL new romantic stuff with a voice like that!

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colincidence link
24/11/2017 09:37:33 pm

Thank You Dean :) !!!

my older music link above

Penyrolewen
24/11/2017 11:30:20 pm

Middle aged romantic now, surely.

Bryan
24/11/2017 03:08:10 pm

Hmph I dunno, Mr Biffikins begs for letters so I send in the most awesomest letter ever and it doesn't get printed. PooWee this stinks

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Mr Biffo
24/11/2017 03:14:41 pm

What? Are you sure you sent it to the right address? We have no record of this!!

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StinkyRoot
24/11/2017 03:56:03 pm

Christmas song: yes.

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StinkyRoot
24/11/2017 03:57:58 pm

Sorry, forgot the please.

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DEAN
24/11/2017 06:37:27 pm

Colin Surname - what a gorgeous baritone you have!

Great words, pics and again, hella voice.

I spent the whole time waiting for things to kick off Sex Pistols-style but you..... didn't. Really wish you had; you should because not only would it help dynamically but I really want to hear you open up that larynx and fucking WAIL!

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colincidence link
25/11/2017 12:50:53 am

you're very kind to me, u r
💖

I see what you mean about the Sid Vicious version, and I think that would've suited me in a good few ways and given the song a more vivacious (-va) tone. It wasn't in mind at all at the time, or ever since until now, but I guess my song's own twist ending is kinda its parallel. My Jeremy Corbyn song (profile name link) has a similar twist, but is still quite gentle. I think I use a softer tone in parody songs so the words take priority. I'll find some punk parody to do someday.

I think I didn't think of Sid as, after several guitar-based parody songs, doing something as traditional and sweet as classic My Way was a novel and contextually subversive idea to me. This one's over 2 years old, btw (video 1 year old).

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Spiney O’Sullivan
25/11/2017 11:17:20 am

Funnily enough, I was expecting it to go dark and loud at some point too. I kind of figured Black Metal because of the makeup and the Black connection with Black Friday.

It was a little like listening to a T-Rex song. I was enjoying it, but also had a strange sense of anticipation of something more intense.

In summary, good work, and why doesn’t Children of the Revolution actually feel like it goes as bombastic as it could?

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colincidence link
25/11/2017 11:55:30 am

There's one way to take T-Rex up a level (click my name again!!!! !)

colincidence link
25/11/2017 11:56:30 am

then fix the link

colincidence link
25/11/2017 12:04:52 pm

I consider Children of the Revolution plenty bombastic, but Bolan's ideas are always a bit... impotent? His style of songwriting in his hit period was simplistic in a pre-punkish way, a basic recipe. 20th Century Boy has a one-chord chorus and two-chord verse, Metal Guru is almost entirely a ten-second loop, and Children of the Revolution keeps hammering a two-note riff.

And Johnny Marr stole Children of the Revolution for Shoplifters of the World, and Metal Guru for Panic. Hoo hah!

[https links don't seem to work correctly on this comment form's Website field]

Spiney O’Sullivan
26/11/2017 10:57:54 am

Funny you should mention Johnny Marr. I actually only got the joke with his name about 3 days ago.

colincidence link
27/11/2017 12:15:29 am

I've had enough of that joke.

SonOfPurple link
24/11/2017 09:07:12 pm

Art and creativity is something I've long admired and absorbed in many forms - films, books, music, games, TV, online content - and arguably the greatest creators are those who inspire others to fire their own creativity. Indeed there may be people who decided to try their hand at writing their own pieces after seeing Digi or Dani's House...

As regarding the battle of 'magnum opus' vs. side-project (in this case FF vs Memory Assistant), I'd say there's room for both: I love stuff that plays with convention and upends the usual tropes (Framley Examiner, TVGoHome) and so I see the DYRT Twitter as like an inverse TV Cream, which is absolutely down my street (and is encouraging others to chime in with their own contributions, tying it in with my definition of art above!) It also appeals to those who want a quick fix of funny rather than an (albeit excellent) 20-minute watch. Myself, I like both, but everyone's mileage will vary!

Christmas song? Well I loved Chris' FF tunes and I'm always up for a Christmas tune that's not one of the usual suspects (favourites here including Los Campesinos and Lower than Atlantis, aside from Sensorium Girlybox of course) so if it happens, I'm likely to be on board...

Keep the funnies coming Biffo, they're a very welcome break from the norm!

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Kelvin Green link
25/11/2017 01:18:40 pm

Yes please Mr Biffo sir, more Chris at Christmas!

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bombo
25/11/2017 02:23:02 pm

Has this website fired that cuck yet who tried to get the Princess banned from Mario? I am an angry middle aged male who needs Mario to rescue Princesses to maintain my sense of self.

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