Well, Digi2000 has been a bit bleak these past couple of weeks, with all these Scripts of my Years posts. I thought I'd only need about three of them, but once I started writing I realised that there was far more to the story than I realised. I'm nearing the end now - and some sort of normal service will be resumed on these pages.
Hey - today's Friday Letters page is appearing on the annual orgy of Western consumerism that is Black Friday, and to mark the occasion there are some great deals on the Digitiser2000 shop - we've slashed our prices by 0.00%!!!!!! We're out of calendars, alas, but we still have lovely mugs, stickers and many great t-shirts! Christmas is close. Get in now to avoid disappointment!
Or maybe you'd like to support Digitiser2000 by becoming one of our satisfied Patreon donors instead? Every supporter gets to read Digitiser2000 knowing that they've helped make it possible!
In other news, the Christmas episode of Found Footage is almost complete. There's one last sequence to be filmed, which was slightly held up by me falling over in the bath, and hurting my arm and knees. I might miss the intended launch of December 1st by a week. But it'll hopefully be worth it. I'll keep you all po-po (posted).
If you would like to appear on next week's page, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone - please send your emails for next week to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
Hey - today's Friday Letters page is appearing on the annual orgy of Western consumerism that is Black Friday, and to mark the occasion there are some great deals on the Digitiser2000 shop - we've slashed our prices by 0.00%!!!!!! We're out of calendars, alas, but we still have lovely mugs, stickers and many great t-shirts! Christmas is close. Get in now to avoid disappointment!
Or maybe you'd like to support Digitiser2000 by becoming one of our satisfied Patreon donors instead? Every supporter gets to read Digitiser2000 knowing that they've helped make it possible!
In other news, the Christmas episode of Found Footage is almost complete. There's one last sequence to be filmed, which was slightly held up by me falling over in the bath, and hurting my arm and knees. I might miss the intended launch of December 1st by a week. But it'll hopefully be worth it. I'll keep you all po-po (posted).
If you would like to appear on next week's page, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone - please send your emails for next week to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
PS. VR
What about your PSVR, then? Have you had any more startling VR experiences?
I bought a Google Cardboard (V2, which comes pre-built: didn't end up burning it in a bin) to have a go on the Rogue One: Recon 360 degree video promo thing. A somewhat blurry experience, but yeah. It feels like the future. Probably too hopeful to imagine there'll be VR stuff heavily discounted for Black Friday, but you never know.
And to bring the discussion even further away from the brief attempt at videogames: excited for Rogue One much? The trailers look pretty good...!
Richard Morrison
What about your PSVR, then? Have you had any more startling VR experiences?
I bought a Google Cardboard (V2, which comes pre-built: didn't end up burning it in a bin) to have a go on the Rogue One: Recon 360 degree video promo thing. A somewhat blurry experience, but yeah. It feels like the future. Probably too hopeful to imagine there'll be VR stuff heavily discounted for Black Friday, but you never know.
And to bring the discussion even further away from the brief attempt at videogames: excited for Rogue One much? The trailers look pretty good...!
Richard Morrison
In all honesty... I've not played it much recently. I've got a whole stack of games to review/play on there... but I've been gravitating back towards non-VR games. Also: last week, I trod on the processing unit, and sliced my foot open, so I'm a bit off it at the moment. Once I've got these Scripts of my Years out of the way I might write something to that effect.
And yes! Very excited about Rogue One. Though slightly concerned that it appears to have confused all the "Star Wars casuals" I've spoken to, who were expecting it to follow on from The Force Awakens. Honestly... I'm surrounded by idiots.
And yes! Very excited about Rogue One. Though slightly concerned that it appears to have confused all the "Star Wars casuals" I've spoken to, who were expecting it to follow on from The Force Awakens. Honestly... I'm surrounded by idiots.
PS. I LOVE YOU
I really meant to write in to the last letters page but I fell asleep early on Thursday so I'm feeling a bit guilty about that. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to Found Footage and it's great to see that so many others seem to feel the same.
As ever I've been enjoying Digi of late, the Scripts of My Years has been great. If the book ever comes out I'll get it. But I've been thinking to myself why it is exactly that I enjoy Digitiser2000 so much and I've come to the conclusion that it's a combination of nostalgia, due to how much I loved Digitiser on Teletext, coupled with a passing interest in gaming. Although I rarely get a chance to play any these days, maybe I will again some time in the future.
Then I enjoy Mr Biffo's style of writing, the humour, the sincerity and the way it seems to me that he's probably an alright kind of guy, even though I've never met him.
Finally, as I think someone's mentioned before, it's the sense of community. I look forward to the letters pages and the comments other readers put at the bottom of the articles, especially the regulars, and the way Mr Biffo often takes the time to reply to them. It just seems a nice place to be. I'd be made up if it grows but I hope it doesn't change in character.
Finally, is it ok to ask how the name Mr Biffo came about or is it taboo or maybe something that everyone else already knows except me?
Monkey Head
I really meant to write in to the last letters page but I fell asleep early on Thursday so I'm feeling a bit guilty about that. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to Found Footage and it's great to see that so many others seem to feel the same.
As ever I've been enjoying Digi of late, the Scripts of My Years has been great. If the book ever comes out I'll get it. But I've been thinking to myself why it is exactly that I enjoy Digitiser2000 so much and I've come to the conclusion that it's a combination of nostalgia, due to how much I loved Digitiser on Teletext, coupled with a passing interest in gaming. Although I rarely get a chance to play any these days, maybe I will again some time in the future.
Then I enjoy Mr Biffo's style of writing, the humour, the sincerity and the way it seems to me that he's probably an alright kind of guy, even though I've never met him.
Finally, as I think someone's mentioned before, it's the sense of community. I look forward to the letters pages and the comments other readers put at the bottom of the articles, especially the regulars, and the way Mr Biffo often takes the time to reply to them. It just seems a nice place to be. I'd be made up if it grows but I hope it doesn't change in character.
Finally, is it ok to ask how the name Mr Biffo came about or is it taboo or maybe something that everyone else already knows except me?
Monkey Head
Well, this is a real lovely letter. "A nice place to be" is as good a thing as I ever could've hoped for from Digitiser2000. Also: might be quite a nice epitaph to have carved into my gravestone.
The Mr Biffo name? I pushed a shopping trolly over a marmoset, and they were his final words.
The Mr Biffo name? I pushed a shopping trolly over a marmoset, and they were his final words.
PS. I HAVE POISONED THE HUMMUS
I had a very surreal Digi related dream...
Like, Mr Biffo... but wierdly dressed up like some Bill Sykes type of get-up, with Fat Sow and Gossi the Dog at his side and he had his own theme park called Biffo-Land, with a lot of surreal versions of rides like Mr T's Bin mixed with Gone Adventure, where you sit in a car shaped like a bin, and see how bins are being produced. Goujon John's Ghostel was also there, and if you had a reservation you could stay over.
But there were also loads of telephone boxes placed throughout the theme park, which kept ringing randomly, and through which Phoning Honey would try to prank you.
Insincere Dave was locked up in stocks, and you threw stuff at him the more insincere he got. It was wierd. And the Zombie Dave ride was like a bloodier version of the log flume. There were more rides, but I cant remember what they were.
There was a rollercoater made out of Roaming Thomases, but it had a catch where random parts of the ride would heat up in operation.
There were also really freaky versions of Digi Characters like the Man's Daddy, the Snakes, the Man, Insincere Dave, Zombie Dave to name a few.
Even Doctor Derek Doctors was there, but he was usually in the gift shop or help booth, usually telling the visitors he had had enough of their moronic prattle, before trying to shoot them with lasers.
But while some parts looked bright and friendly, others looked dark and gothic and sinister, like there was more to the park than meets the eye. Like, for example, when trying to get out - the whole place was fenced off by an electric fence, and to exit you had to answer a quiz by BW and a drunk Bamber Boozler. All I can remember is them getting into a punch up over Turner the Worm, but usually they just changed the answers to their questions so no one got out.
I'm guessing it would be the most brillant and most terrifying thing ever if it was real.
I also remembered that there were Goujon John mascot suits that kept on walking up to people offering them goujons, and if you refused they would get really mad and either throw goujons at the person or just slam the tray of them onto the ground. LOL.
Bet you think it's the most mental thing ever?
Roaming Nicholas
I had a very surreal Digi related dream...
Like, Mr Biffo... but wierdly dressed up like some Bill Sykes type of get-up, with Fat Sow and Gossi the Dog at his side and he had his own theme park called Biffo-Land, with a lot of surreal versions of rides like Mr T's Bin mixed with Gone Adventure, where you sit in a car shaped like a bin, and see how bins are being produced. Goujon John's Ghostel was also there, and if you had a reservation you could stay over.
But there were also loads of telephone boxes placed throughout the theme park, which kept ringing randomly, and through which Phoning Honey would try to prank you.
Insincere Dave was locked up in stocks, and you threw stuff at him the more insincere he got. It was wierd. And the Zombie Dave ride was like a bloodier version of the log flume. There were more rides, but I cant remember what they were.
There was a rollercoater made out of Roaming Thomases, but it had a catch where random parts of the ride would heat up in operation.
There were also really freaky versions of Digi Characters like the Man's Daddy, the Snakes, the Man, Insincere Dave, Zombie Dave to name a few.
Even Doctor Derek Doctors was there, but he was usually in the gift shop or help booth, usually telling the visitors he had had enough of their moronic prattle, before trying to shoot them with lasers.
But while some parts looked bright and friendly, others looked dark and gothic and sinister, like there was more to the park than meets the eye. Like, for example, when trying to get out - the whole place was fenced off by an electric fence, and to exit you had to answer a quiz by BW and a drunk Bamber Boozler. All I can remember is them getting into a punch up over Turner the Worm, but usually they just changed the answers to their questions so no one got out.
I'm guessing it would be the most brillant and most terrifying thing ever if it was real.
I also remembered that there were Goujon John mascot suits that kept on walking up to people offering them goujons, and if you refused they would get really mad and either throw goujons at the person or just slam the tray of them onto the ground. LOL.
Bet you think it's the most mental thing ever?
Roaming Nicholas
Ok, yes - that was quite mental, and rather a difficult read if I'm honest, Nicholas. Also, am I alone in switching off when people tell me their dreams? I don't mind the one-line pitch ones, but when they go into enormous detail I automatically assume the person is making it up. Maybe that's just because I don't really remember my dreams, other than scattered bits of them.
Like, the other night, I dreamt I had gone to Australia, and... oh. Oh, I appeared to have already lost interest. Turns out even my own dreams are boring!!!!!
Like, the other night, I dreamt I had gone to Australia, and... oh. Oh, I appeared to have already lost interest. Turns out even my own dreams are boring!!!!!
PS. YOUR DINNER'S IN THE OVEN
Loving the "Scripts of my Years..." articles. I was talking to a friend of mine about the sitcom that the BBC... acquired. Would I be far off in saying it's related to My Family?
Martin Wright
Loving the "Scripts of my Years..." articles. I was talking to a friend of mine about the sitcom that the BBC... acquired. Would I be far off in saying it's related to My Family?
Martin Wright
Uh... I don't know what you mean, Wrong. What? What acquired BBC sitcom? I mentioned everything there was to mention in Scripts of my Years. Am I missing something?
Interestingly... I did work on My Family briefly. That was a rather singular experience. Coming to Scripts of my Years very soon...
Interestingly... I did work on My Family briefly. That was a rather singular experience. Coming to Scripts of my Years very soon...
PS. GONE OVER TO JANET'S HOUSE. BACK AROUND NINE
What do you think of all these fannies in Watch Dogs 2 then? (The actual fannies, not the characters). What Video Game Character's genitalia would you most like to see? Don't know about you but I can't wait to see Wario's bulbous Member.
Ra-Ra Rasputin
What do you think of all these fannies in Watch Dogs 2 then? (The actual fannies, not the characters). What Video Game Character's genitalia would you most like to see? Don't know about you but I can't wait to see Wario's bulbous Member.
Ra-Ra Rasputin
I read the news about the lady parts, and it just made me feel a bit weary. It was so obviously going to get them into trouble. Consequently, whomever was responsible is either 14 years old, or a massive imbecile. Either way: probably shouldn't be working there.
PS. I DON'T LOVE YOU
There's a police officer that regularly drinks in my local - she always gets really hammered, but she's a nice enough person. I walked down there the other night via a shop that was round the corner, so I went in through the back entrance - because it was closer.
I saw my police friend standing outside the back gates, lurking in the shadows of some private garages taking some big huffs from a bottle of poppers.
"You won't tell anyone, will you?" she said, and offered me the bottle.
"Nah, not for me thanks and of course I won't tell anyone" I replied - hence this email.
I was going to send an email about video games, but I thought a copper on poppers was more interesting than my recent gaming shenanigans.
I am fit and strong and that is all.
Gaming Mill
There's a police officer that regularly drinks in my local - she always gets really hammered, but she's a nice enough person. I walked down there the other night via a shop that was round the corner, so I went in through the back entrance - because it was closer.
I saw my police friend standing outside the back gates, lurking in the shadows of some private garages taking some big huffs from a bottle of poppers.
"You won't tell anyone, will you?" she said, and offered me the bottle.
"Nah, not for me thanks and of course I won't tell anyone" I replied - hence this email.
I was going to send an email about video games, but I thought a copper on poppers was more interesting than my recent gaming shenanigans.
I am fit and strong and that is all.
Gaming Mill
I don't really know what poppers are. Am I right in thinking they're the same thing that you get in those little metal canisters you find in car parks and children's playgrounds? Why are people so awful?
PS. I HAVE TAINTED THE DOUGH
I am currently having a poo in the Holiday Inn, but while I'm carrying out this important task I thought I'd write to let you know that I quite like Dishonored 2.
I think you might be finding it dull, because it really is just more of the same, but a bit more than last time. That's what I like about it. Also, as previously discussed, watch The Expanse. It is good. I am reading the books now, and they are also good - and I can't wait for the next series, even though I know what happens pretty much because of the book.
By the way, I'm not lying about the poo, I have attached photographic evidence. I have to go now and wipe my bottom (picture not attached). Kisses.
MrPSB
PS. When I said I was pooing in a Holiday Inn I meant in the toilet in my room, not in the foyer. I'm not a monster.
I am currently having a poo in the Holiday Inn, but while I'm carrying out this important task I thought I'd write to let you know that I quite like Dishonored 2.
I think you might be finding it dull, because it really is just more of the same, but a bit more than last time. That's what I like about it. Also, as previously discussed, watch The Expanse. It is good. I am reading the books now, and they are also good - and I can't wait for the next series, even though I know what happens pretty much because of the book.
By the way, I'm not lying about the poo, I have attached photographic evidence. I have to go now and wipe my bottom (picture not attached). Kisses.
MrPSB
PS. When I said I was pooing in a Holiday Inn I meant in the toilet in my room, not in the foyer. I'm not a monster.
Yeah, Dishonoured 2 is dull. I was meant to have reviewed it by now, but Scripts Of My Years has ended up being about four times longer than I expected it to be. Maybe next week. Now press reveal to see what your poo looks like.
REVEAL:
PS. THE CAT DIED
Why can't I write to Mr Hairs instead? Please send me a signed picture of Mr Hairs. Nude.
Chinny.
Why can't I write to Mr Hairs instead? Please send me a signed picture of Mr Hairs. Nude.
Chinny.
I'll do better than that. Press reveal to see a nude picture of Mr Hairs... RIGHT NOW.
REVEAL:
PS. WISH YOU WEREN'T HERE
Have you ever considered writing more stories about The Snakes? Possibly a movie... you could maybe set it on a plane?
Gonebeface
Have you ever considered writing more stories about The Snakes? Possibly a movie... you could maybe set it on a plane?
Gonebeface
Ha ha. I see what you did there.
PS. THE OTHER CAT DIED
I understand that using a small child as a trampoline is "not the done thing" any more. All the best.
Paul Dunning
I understand that using a small child as a trampoline is "not the done thing" any more. All the best.
Paul Dunning
Forget the old witch jumping on the orphan. What's with the weird-faced monkey child that the girl is holding on the right?
PS. NIVVIN ISN'T COMING OVER NOW
Blimey, "Scripts of my Years" is good, and it isn't even finished yet. You could write a whole book called "Things of my Years." I'd buy it, even with that terrible title.
It's also reminded me what I like about Digitiser, after it made me nervous by going a bit political. The articles were nuanced, as with earlier controversies, but with rawness that seemed to be taken as license for cussing in the comments.
Perhaps such venting is necessary - the gas pocket between stools - but I'm not sure if it encourages discussion or division. What I do know is that your personal stories give as much insight into what drives us, and I greet each new instalment with delight rather than trepidation.
David Walford
Blimey, "Scripts of my Years" is good, and it isn't even finished yet. You could write a whole book called "Things of my Years." I'd buy it, even with that terrible title.
It's also reminded me what I like about Digitiser, after it made me nervous by going a bit political. The articles were nuanced, as with earlier controversies, but with rawness that seemed to be taken as license for cussing in the comments.
Perhaps such venting is necessary - the gas pocket between stools - but I'm not sure if it encourages discussion or division. What I do know is that your personal stories give as much insight into what drives us, and I greet each new instalment with delight rather than trepidation.
David Walford
It seems to me like you're conflicted on this issue, Albert Square. If it's any consolation, I find it a bit annoying that I can't just switch off, and write loads of stupid stuff. I'm sure that's what most Digitiser2000 readers want from me.
Rest assured, there won't be any political rants, or autobiographical entries, in the forthcoming Found Footage.
Rest assured, there won't be any political rants, or autobiographical entries, in the forthcoming Found Footage.
PS. I THREW YOUR HOUSE KEYS IN THE CANAL
Hi. Thanks for your recent request for correspondences via electronic mail to appear on your once-a-week Friday Letters Page.
After much thought - well not that much thought, but some thought - I've decided, with heavy heart, light feet and other internal organs of indeterminate weight, that I simply do not have the time to commit to a series of typographical symbols that would - by the nature of their proximity to the other characters - form words to communicate some kind of statement or question that could potentially elicit a response from the beneficiary of said literature, that person being yourself, Dear Readerer.
If I did put pen to paper - or more accurately, yellowed, gnarled finger to a keyboard that appears to be encrusted in a greyish film that is both gritty and squishy and is reminiscent of fish and cheese in flavour - I would probably ask you thusly, concisely but with great gravity:
...nope, can't think of anything.
Please find attached several empty tin cans joined together with string like they do in the movies when a married couple drive away. Do you see?
Kara Van Park
Hi. Thanks for your recent request for correspondences via electronic mail to appear on your once-a-week Friday Letters Page.
After much thought - well not that much thought, but some thought - I've decided, with heavy heart, light feet and other internal organs of indeterminate weight, that I simply do not have the time to commit to a series of typographical symbols that would - by the nature of their proximity to the other characters - form words to communicate some kind of statement or question that could potentially elicit a response from the beneficiary of said literature, that person being yourself, Dear Readerer.
If I did put pen to paper - or more accurately, yellowed, gnarled finger to a keyboard that appears to be encrusted in a greyish film that is both gritty and squishy and is reminiscent of fish and cheese in flavour - I would probably ask you thusly, concisely but with great gravity:
...nope, can't think of anything.
Please find attached several empty tin cans joined together with string like they do in the movies when a married couple drive away. Do you see?
Kara Van Park
Press reveal to see if Commander Chris Hadfield has any letter-writing tips for you.
REVEAL:
PS. YOUR DINNER'S IN MY STOMACH
In Memoriam possessed perhaps the most innovative implementation of any game of the last 20 years, despite arguably not being a great game itself. I think that an updated, social version of this could be really good.
As a writer, have you ever watched recent children's television programmes and viewed them as being too adult?
I really respect Edge magazine, but they do take themselves a bit seriously sometimes. Which, if any, computer games magazines do you currently read/like?
John Whyte
In Memoriam possessed perhaps the most innovative implementation of any game of the last 20 years, despite arguably not being a great game itself. I think that an updated, social version of this could be really good.
As a writer, have you ever watched recent children's television programmes and viewed them as being too adult?
I really respect Edge magazine, but they do take themselves a bit seriously sometimes. Which, if any, computer games magazines do you currently read/like?
John Whyte
I should explain that John actually wrote three letters - which I have edited into one. He's not mad, probably. Anyway...
In all honesty, I don't watch much kids' TV other than things I write, because... well... I'm an adult. I tend to have an idea of what's out there, and what's good, and try to have a passing knowledge of what's on. Also, it depends what you mean by "too adult". I don't think there's any subject which couldn't be addressed in children's television, so long as the point of view is from a kid. For me, that's all that differentiates kids' telly from adult telly.
Edge! I do buy it sometimes, but rarely end up reading the whole thing. It's still as well-written as ever, but... the thing that puts me off - and I appreciate that this is ridiculous - is that the type is very small, and therefore less comfortable to my old-man eyes.
Retro Gamer I read... and have done since Issue One. And now that I write a column for it, I've all the more reason to read it. Games TM I like - because it's a bit like Edge, but with bigger pictures, and larger type.
In all honesty, I don't watch much kids' TV other than things I write, because... well... I'm an adult. I tend to have an idea of what's out there, and what's good, and try to have a passing knowledge of what's on. Also, it depends what you mean by "too adult". I don't think there's any subject which couldn't be addressed in children's television, so long as the point of view is from a kid. For me, that's all that differentiates kids' telly from adult telly.
Edge! I do buy it sometimes, but rarely end up reading the whole thing. It's still as well-written as ever, but... the thing that puts me off - and I appreciate that this is ridiculous - is that the type is very small, and therefore less comfortable to my old-man eyes.
Retro Gamer I read... and have done since Issue One. And now that I write a column for it, I've all the more reason to read it. Games TM I like - because it's a bit like Edge, but with bigger pictures, and larger type.
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Tanglewood is a brand new and original game for the SEGA Genesis/Mega Drive, by Matt Phillips, to be released on cartridge in winter 2017 - and you can back it on Kickstarter!
"Set in the realm of Tanglewood, the game follows a young creature, Nymn, separated from the pack after the sun sets. Unable to get back to the safety of the family's underground home, Nymn must find a way to survive the night terrors and get to morning. Tanglewood’s world is a dangerous one after dark; guiding Nymn you must use your skills of evasion, traps and trickery to defeat predators.
"It's a platforming game with puzzle elements, and can be described as a mix of the Mega Drive titles Another World and The Lion King."
Go there now for the full deets! It looks really quite lovely.
"Set in the realm of Tanglewood, the game follows a young creature, Nymn, separated from the pack after the sun sets. Unable to get back to the safety of the family's underground home, Nymn must find a way to survive the night terrors and get to morning. Tanglewood’s world is a dangerous one after dark; guiding Nymn you must use your skills of evasion, traps and trickery to defeat predators.
"It's a platforming game with puzzle elements, and can be described as a mix of the Mega Drive titles Another World and The Lion King."
Go there now for the full deets! It looks really quite lovely.
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