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THE DIGITISER FRIDAY World Cup LETTERS PAGE

15/6/2018

15 Comments

 
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Football, football, football, football, football. FOOOOOOTBALLLLL. World Cup's started then. It's as good a time as any for a letters page. Of course, the question on everyone's lips is is whether I'll find myself getting sucked into it, as I have been on occasion in the past.

At the moment, my interest remains firmly in the Brown Zone, and only likely to rise if England get through to the next round, or they end up facing off against Croatia (my dear wife is half-Croatian, see). Even then, I'm not too sure. It's just a load of blokes kicking a thing, right?

Anyway. Filming begins this weekend on Digitiser The Show. Backers and Patrons will be getting a sneak, behind-the-scenes, peek into what we're getting up to. No fewer than THREE classic Digitiser characters will be brought to life over the next couple of days - with more to follow in the weeks ahead. And now... let us do some letters. 


If you'd like to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, please send your filthy emails to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
BONO
I have access to rather a lot of old Edge Magazine issues, many of which I hadn't read. I used to read Digitiser on Teletext and finding this old article in the April 2003 issue of Edge reminded me of your contributions to the magazine.

I hadn't read this one before though! I'm going to see if there's any more to read, though I'm not sure how long you wrote for Edge.

You're under the name Biffovision and I think the title of the article is 'Mr Biffo most definitively does not love 1982' - it's such a good read! It's kind of surreal sitting here in 2018, reading an article from 2003 which is about people's rose tinted views of the past.

You talk about re-visiting games you loved like Haunted Hedges, using an emulator, and finding they aren't as good as you remember them. Your article is next to an advert for Primal, it's funny to think people now in their 20s will be nostalgic for that game.

No wait - what am I thinking? No one remembers that game! Let's say Metroid Prime instead, which is mentioned several times in that issue. Reading it was also odd for me because I'm pretty obsessed with nostalgia; I find it hard to get excited about new games (though I am liking Detroit: Become Human at the moment) and I'm surrounded by old games at my work place. 

I almost entirely follow American games coverage, mostly content creators that birthed from the now dead 1UP.com, much as Retronauts. But I feel I should get back to reading UK peeps too. I found your website, and I think I may also look into One Life Left, which I probably haven't listened to in close to 8 years. After recently finding out Redeye from Edge was one of the dudes from OLL all this time! I used to read his column all the time.

Thank you for your time.
​Oliver Wilmot
I wrote for Edge for five years, from 2003 to 2008 - then quit, because I wanted to disappear. I'm glad I didn't stay disappeared forever.

I'm curious to know what some of those old columns read like. I was a very, very different person back then, not in a particularly happy place, and I wonder how much of that bled through into my writing. At the same time, I don't really want to revisit them - for the very same reasons. Aaaaand... we're off to a really depressing start! Cheer us all up by pressing reveal.
REVEAL:
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SNAP SNAP SNAP - THE DONKEY BROKE HIS BACK!
Chris "Super Page 58" Bell is currently searching for old Teletext broadcasts, or images thereof, containing the elusive Digitiser Donkey and Cyber-X. Can any readers help him?

I think they look something like this, but can't check without breaching the terms of my subsequent restraining order.
David W
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I initially wondered whether the Donkey even had a graphic - or whether we just referred to him in the text. Then I remembered changing his graphic one day to make it look like his nose was bleeding...
UNO PALOMA BLANKA
I own a Switch now, and wanted to get Street Fighter II for it. But Capcom released SF2 Ultra for it a while back, then announced the 30th Anniversary collection. So I was all like, the value for the collection is pretty good - it's like 12 games in there.

But then I figured I'd likely never touch SF Alpha, or SF III or anything like that; I'd likely just focus on the SF II games. I'm a really rubbish, super casual gamer see. I have yet to finish Mario Odyssey or Sonic Mania and I've owned both since Christams. And I found out the beautiful hi res graphics in Ultra aren't in the 30th collection. So in the end I plumped for Ultra.

I managed to find a copy for £22 on eBay. So I think I made the right choice. Unless the game doesn't arrive, then I'll feel ripped off.

With that in mind, what do YOU think I should have done? I don't really care, but I thought I'd at least give you a basis for an answer to this frankly very, very, lazy letter-writing effort.

Good luck filming Digi TV - I assume you're using ACTUAL snakes, so do be careful.
Kris Carter
You can't ask me what you should've done. I bought Street Fighter V, but I quickly got very bored of it. With hindsight, the main thing I liked about Street Fighter 2 was the subtle 3D effect on the bath in Honda's stage. It's the small things...
WEDDONG
Dear Mr and Mrs Biffo. I offer you some advice in married life. It is important you have your own interests. Mrs Biffo may want to watch Crossroads, but Mr Biffo might not. So Mr Biffo should be allowed to speak to his wierdo friends on the internet when Crossroads is on.

My second piece of advice is to keep some magic in the relationship. Do not let Mrs Biffo see you doing a number 1, number 2 or number 7.

My third piece of advice is to distrust anyone who thinks instant coffee is morally acceptable.

Good luck with married life. 
Chinny Hill

Thaaaaaanks, Chinnus.

True story: I was apparently born during an episode of Crossroads. My dad was going to bring my sisters up to the hospital after they'd finished watching, but my mother went into labor and squirted me out before the end.

And then I ended up writing a bunch of episodes when it came back 15 or so years ago. Getting the job on it in part gave me the confidence to quit Digi. Inevitably, it was axed the same month Digi ended... which was such splendid timing.
LIVE LONG LOVE
I can't help but think that Turner the Worm is being disrespected by yoof culture; this season's Love Island worm is (probably) pwning the show, yet has not nodded to his inspiration Turner at all. Could this be rectified possibly by installing a cardboard cut out of Turner in the show backdrop? 

Or to punish the worm, how about introducing Jess Conrad from Last Laugh In Vegas struggling to figure out how to make a bowl of cereal while Kenny Lynch casually drops swears at everyone?

What do you think?
Geeky Girl @1waytofindout
I don't know what any of this means. I've never watched a single episode of Love Island, and I know nothing of Last Laugh in Vegas. Kenny Lynch is the only reference I get. My dad met him once... or so he claims. 

Reveal now, plz.

REVEAL:
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NEW HELL
So, yeah, E3. I didn’t watch any of the announcements or trailers, except for the Beyond Good & Evil 2 one. I don’t even know why: I barely play videogames any more.

But I thought it looked sort of interesting, if somehow only vaguely connected to the game I remember liking well enough years ago. And it didn’t seem to take the cliffhanger at the end of that game into account.

But anyway, what I’m getting at: if an all right game from ages ago can get a sequel, why can’t we get Half-Life 3 already? Maybe I’m deluded to still think anyone else cares or even wants it any longer, but I would dearly love to have some closure on that wonderful series.

Please, Mr Newell, can I have some more...?
Richard Morrison
Apparently Beyond Good & Evil 2 is a prequel, so don't you worry about that cliffhanger. Oddly, I have absolutely no recollection of the original. Most of my awareness seems to come from other people saying how good it was.

Anyhow, yeah... I dunno why they've not done Half-Life 3. I've gone from respecting them for not chasing an easy windfall to just being irritated by their obstinance. At this point they should just skip straight to Half-Life 4.
SHAKE SHACK
Hello. Next year I think they should rename E3 to Siegfried, just for the one year. You know, to shake things up a bit. And it should just, like, be 500 N64s, but all they have is Superman 64. That's E3 2019 planned - way more memorable than any E3 of the last five years. Ta, me duck. 
Wapojif
Yeah, you could do that. Or you could press reveal.
REVEAL:
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THE 50 Qs OF DAN
1)  What should one do in the event they accidentally forgot to contribute to the Digitiser show because they were waiting for gimmick rewards in the last 24 hours of the Kickstarter that never materialised?

2)  What is the best way to frame question 1 in such a way that it doesn't seem like you wrote this email yourself in order to cajole people into coughing up more cash?

3)  Gossi the dog is my favourite.  Am I safe to assume he will be making a triumphant return as part of your new Youtube series?

Yours & Best, 
Dan
1) Well, that was very silly of you. I'm aiming to do a second round of ongoing fundraising at some point - before we do our location filming. I've just not had the time to make it happen yet. That's not me being greedy; it's purely because a lot of people seem to want to contribute. And given the eye-watering expense involved in making a professional-looking TV-style show... we could use the money.

2) My response above, which doesn't - yet - offer any incentives to people to give me money. Though they can contribute to the Patreon, of course. I do post blogs on there.

3) In all honesty... no Gossi. He sort of didn't ever have a comedy schtick that I could use - plus we're not really doing anything that's topical, and Gossi's main thing was talking about the news.
COLD AS PRRR-ICE
For years, people have argued whether the price of games is appropriate. Some think that a £50 game is good value, especially when that's only a fiver more than I paid for Streets of Rage 20 years ago. For others, it seems crazy to pay £50 for a game when a multi million dollar movie is a tenner on Bluray.  

The issue of game pricing came back into my head as I held off buying Burnout Paradise Remastered. £35 seemed a bit steep for a 10 year old game, and it just *felt* like one of those games that would fall in price quickly. Nothing to do with quality, just, you know?  And I bought it 2 months after launch from Asda for £18.  It's on PSN today for £12.  

But why buy a new release at all? There's a world of older games that still hold up amazingly well and I'm catching up with stuff that I missed at the time and paying pennies for it.  I'm currently loving Split Second Velocity on PS3 that was £2 in Cash Converters. It looks great, plays great, and I'm regretting buying Burnout for £18, knowing that I haven't played it much and by the time I get round to that it might be a tenner. 

Demands on my time pull me away from Zelda BOTW, a fantastic game that I personally have only scratched the surface of - and paid £55 for. I'm wondering why I even bothered buying the Switch at all. It's a fantastic bit of kit, but it's staying unused while I plough though a £2 game from Cash Converters. And when I finish Split Second, there's a pile of games I haven't started, all bought for pennies, all for 360 or PS3 and all still looking fantastic in HD.

Retro is no longer basic graphics and beepy music. PS3 and Xbox 360 games are as good as current stuff. Sure the frame rate might be 30 instead of 60, but that's not altering the fun I have playing Daytona, Deadly Premonition and Pure. And for the current generation I just picked up Rare Replay and Dead Rising 3 for £3 each, and Infinite Warfare for PS4 just set me back £1.99

I've always been a big gaming fan, pre-ordering and the like, enjoying the anticipation and going to midnight launches, but today I feel there's no point, I'm happy to be a few weeks behind and spend a fraction of the money, or even be 5 years behind and play for pennies. 
Steve Piers
Yeah, in real terms... games are cheaper than they used to be. Especially when you consider that many indie games are the same price as games in the 1980s. I don't really know what else to say. Press reveal?
REVEAL:
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DUVETERAN
Just writing to show off my new quilt cover as it's absolutely lovely.

Have a good day!
Frank Chickens
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I have seen this duvet cover, but for the life of me can't understand why you - or anyone else - might have bought it. Those words... isn't that really distracting when you're trying to sleep? 
RESTING PLACE FACE
Not big on subject matter for a letter this week. I would like to say thanks for the Kickstarter updates you are sending - hope your first batch of filming goes well. 

Anyway, letter pages in provincials magazines are always good for a laugh.  Here’s one I found recently. It’s a great example of small town boiling rage. 

All the best,
Paul
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It's like something out of Agatha Christie!!!
DAAAAAAVE
Hello Biffo. 
I read with delight Insincere Dave's take on Microsoft's E3 presentation and I really enjoyed him taking the pee-pee out of it. I can't help but feel that these overblown shindigs are 99% hot air and 1% content. Sure, I bet some people there get a nice buffet breakfast, dinner and evening meal out of it, but is that reason enough to make us mere plebs suffer through a load of over hyped nonsense? I think not. 

That being said, do you think it is time to put the corpulent E3 beastie out of its misery and, if so, should something else replace it or, like teletext, should we all just learn to live without it?
Big love,
Al Kellett aka YouCanCallMeAl
Nah. Honestly, I felt a bit bad for being so cynical about it this week. Games are, potentially, such a broad church that I just want them to live up to their potential a bit more. When I moan about games, it's only ever done out of love and passion.

That said, the big E3 presentations have become a parody of themselves. The Xbox one really rankled my goitre.
THE 50 Qs OF WHYTE
1. While Mario is undoubtedly Nintendo's most iconic character, I'd argue that Zelda, in terms of median game quality is Nintendo's best series. What do you think of this and how would you rate the Metroid series compared to Zelda and Mario?

2. This might sound strange but I find that I rarely replay the very best games that I have completed. I cannot explain it other than perhaps I don't want to spoil the memory, but some of my favourite games have only been played once through. This is made stranger by the fact that some other, less good games still end up being switched on for a while, here and there. Have you ever experienced this, or similar?

3. Which game developer would you most like to work on someone else's game and what game would that be?
John Whyte
1. Hah! Well... we actually have an episode of Digitiser the Show where we attempt to answer this very question! To do so here would be entering spoiler territory...

2. There aren't many games I've played through more than once full stop, but it's more an issue of time than anything else. Half-Life 2 is the only game I've played all the way through at least three times.

3. Oddly, my wish has been granted; I wanted the team behind Titanfall 2 to work on a Star Wars game. It was announced at E3 that they are. Hurrah. What a pair of "prescient swells" we are.
15 Comments
DEAN
15/6/2018 08:46:20 am

BUT ARE GAMES REALLY CHEAPER NOW THAN EVER?

I dunno, they could be and conventional wisdom certainly seems really quite confident that they probably are... but is they is?

People in the 80s had better music to listen to and more money to spend on stuff.

People today have less money to spend on stuff and only really Ed Sheeran to listen to - he has a nice song called Supermarket Flowers which no, isn't bleak at all really; it's a beautiful and natural part of life.

UNNNNGNNGNGNGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So yeah, people have less expendable income now than they did 'then' and so if games cost more or less the same either way, inflation be buggered, games cost the average person more today than they used to.

Is that right?


Reply
MENTALIST
15/6/2018 10:37:38 am

No, it is wrong.

People have significantly more disposable income now than they did in the 1980s.

Don't take my word for it, see the Office for National Statistics:

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/personalandhouseholdfinances/incomeandwealth/bulletins/householddisposableincomeandinequality/financialyearending2017


And for that matter, you can access (probably just about) all of the popular music of the 1980s, on demand for free if you're prepared to put up with adverts, or less than a tenner a month if you aren't.

Reply
DEAN
15/6/2018 11:28:21 am

I was worried it was but thanks for clarifying it!

I'm still not convinced, though:

Needlesstosay, I didn't click on that link and look at what the office of nat. Stats. had to say on that matter because of the following:

People are in more debt now than they were then - they have to be!

Okay, so a rich person owns a lavish home, a place by the sea and a boat moored at a nice marina. Takes at least three holidays a year and have 2 really smart cars and their kids have lots of everything.

Loads of expendable income? Not at all - all very much accounted for - up to their eyeballs in balloon payments, mortgages, Marina fees etc.

So even if the the office was absolutely right that we are in fact better off today than we were then, that's beside the point - we're all balls deep in debt - rich and poor alike.

And lets talk assets - Owning a home is a hard thing to achieve for many - more and more people are renting and often paying more in rent than a mortgage could have cost them - if you're saving for a deposit then spending £50 on a new game must seem like an awfully extravagant thing to do. It's like how more people are choosing to get pissed at home and have dinner parties instead of eating out - it all saves money.

I'm not being difficult but I'm not convinced that my mum and dad had it harder buying me games than I have buying them for my kids - they still seem expensive to me and so when people say that games are cheaper now than they ever have been it just doesn't ring true and sounds like bullshit to me.

And the music thing - okay, you make a good point but again manage to totally miss the heart of it - listening to George Michael sing Careless Whisper today is not the same as listening to it when it 'dropped'. It's something to do with zeitgeists.... dunno.

Chris Bell link
15/6/2018 09:08:43 am

Thanks for putting out the call re: the Donkey and Cyber-X, David! They’re proving very elusive, so if anyone does happen to have them saved in a dusty folder somewhere, please do “hit” me “up” via Super Page 58.

Reply
DEAN
15/6/2018 09:15:16 am

ADVICE FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

Listen. Learn. Love.

I hate shit like that with a capital h (H).

Lately I've been walking around lots of strangers' homes (no, I'm not a burglar and I'm not an estate agent (worse) either) and I've enjoyed seeing all the kinds of shit that they like putting up stickers of on their walls:

Live every moment
Laugh every day
Love beyond words

You know the sort of thing? Cool!

I'm not going to argue that all that isn't sweet and wise (like a tiny wizard) but what I'm intrigued by is why....

I mean, a picture paints a thousand words and the best bit is that the words it paints are your own - they can be as facile or poetic as you are but when you have things literally spelled out.... you know what I mean?

I guess things of this nature need total clarity - there must be no misunderstandings!

Those words are stuck to that feature wall in their prissily fonted glory to serve as reminder to people that would otherwise have got it all wrong.

I don't know but I do know this - if I ever live in a house with shit like that on the walls then I want to kill myself.... Please play supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheehan at my service please.

Supermarket Flowers
Ed Sheeran
I took the supermarket flowers from the windowsill
I threw the day old tea from the cup
Packed up the photo album Matthew had made
Memories of a life that's been loved
Took the get well soon cards and stuffed animals
Poured the old ginger beer down the sink
Dad always told me, "don't you cry when you're down"
But mum, there's a tear every time that I blink
Oh I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know
A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved
So I'll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah
You're home
I fluffed the pillows, made the beds, stacked the chairs up
Folded your nightgowns neatly in a case
John says he'd drive then put his hand on my cheek
And wiped a tear from the side of my face
I hope that I see the world as you did cause I know
A life with love is a life that's been lived
So I'll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah
You're home
Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
You got to see the person that I have become
Spread your wing
And I know that when God took you back he said Hallelujah
You're home

Reply
MD Cribuffs
15/6/2018 11:54:30 am

Ultra SF2 is under £18 on the switch eshop. Sorry Kris.

Reply
colincidence link
16/6/2018 10:42:17 pm

and the Beautiful Hi-Res Graphics are rubbish

Reply
Frank Chickens
15/6/2018 12:02:55 pm

Not really Mr Biffo as I sleep face up underneath it not face down on top of it! ;)

Ps. What do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An egg.

Reply
Robobob
15/6/2018 01:16:34 pm

The duvet would be much better if it was a massive pixel-face of Fat Sow. In a pinch, I would accept Bamber Boozler instead.

MERCH ALERT?!

Reply
Your Mother
15/6/2018 01:28:28 pm

Is that a jizz stain on the bottom left of the duvet? I know we all have a certain fondness for teletext but I mean that's taking things into real niche territory...

Reply
Spiney O'Sullivan
15/6/2018 02:53:18 pm

The real Turner the Worm has got loose on Teletext again.

Reply
Neptunium
15/6/2018 01:53:08 pm

Steve's letter was interesting.. It seems there's more than a few of us that believe that nothing has really evolved since the 360/PS3 era apart from a veneer of graphics.

I do have this conflict inside myself - why should I bother to splurge on the latest and greatest games and support the studios when I can have so much fun spending a few quid on slightly older games at ebay/cex/cash converters?

I was considering buying the splatoon DLC a few nights ago, but when I put it into perspective £18 could buy me three or four decent used 3DS games.

Thee's just too much choice, man :-(

Reply
Col. Asdasd
18/6/2018 08:56:02 am

It's pretty great, though, that DLC campaign. Not for everyone (it's not a cinematic experience with ultraviolent cutscenes and long levels where someone barks exposition at you over the radio every 10 minutes) - rather it's a grab bag of crazy challenges that take anything from 1 to 5 minutes to beat.

The team behind it are the same people who did the shrines in Breath of the Wild, but makes me think more of the Super Mario Galaxy games - you're constantly being given some brilliant new thing to do which often could be the core mechanic of entire an game.

One minute I'm playing billiards with an oversized ball and a sniper rifle. Then I'm carefully chip, chipping away at a 20x20x20 cube of crates to make a copy of a 3D sculpture. Then I'm playing 3D space invaders against the clock. Then I'm clawing my way through a series of tense fights and environmental puzzles with only a limited set of ink refills. Then I'm strafing enemies by the dozen with an unlimited jetpack and rocket launcher.

I'd say I've had my money's worth, it's definitely a Nintendo quality experience. Plus the collectable lore gobbets are told in verse! Actual to goodness poetry in a video game!

Reply
Col
16/6/2018 12:54:04 pm

Zombie Dave is great. His reveal in the letters bit made my day. I'm hoping to see him in the show, but I can see that it would be hard to voice, so that he is just barely intelligible.

Reply
sonicshrimp
18/6/2018 07:18:19 am

Sylvester Stalone has managed that for 30 years.

Reply



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