THE DIGITISER FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

In the unlikely event you haven't seen it, here's the teaser trailer for Digitiser The Show. ​

The editing is going well, and progressing somewhat faster than I'd anticipated. I don't have a launch date for you yet, but hopefully by the end of next week we'll have some better idea.

Obviously, we're going to need your help to publicise it. In the run-up to launch, if there's anything you can do - be it interview me, or one of the other hosts, on your blog, or channel, or podcast - or you want to write a feature on it, or anything, please drop me a line. 

If I don't reply straight away, do not panic, or think I'm ignoring you; editing is proving rather all-consuming, so I've got a back-log of correspondence to get through. Even just sharing the trailer can help. I really believe we've made something special and unique, and very different to last year's Found Footage. But anyway... more soon. Letters!!!

​If you'd like to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, or you've got a picture of a bin you wish to share, please send your filthy emails to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com

BAD TASTE
Next Friday, it will be exactly one year since Goujon John was first spotted masquerading as a food poisoning expert for a holiday sickness claims company. Alarmingly, it was by far their most professional video.

The evidence has now been suppressed, or returned to the dimension from which it came. Which, in a roundabout way, led me to the subtler stream-of-conciousness that is Comfort King Mattress Factory's YouTube channel.

Comfort King have the mascot most likely to kill you in your sleep. Their spokesman could pass for Wimpy Jeff's transatlantic cousin. Erratic viewing figures suggest that automated click-fraud has gained
sentience and weirdly specific preferences. However, true genius or madness lurks in their long-form ambient works, like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJhsJs4QFaY

It is at once challenging, like the Jaaaaam to Found Footage's Jam, and curiously relaxing. Haphazard cutting, mistimed video effects, variable playback speeds, noise, and the constant theme of a good night's sleep.

All hail Comfort King, or just send in more of your bin pictures so that Mr. Biffo doesn't have to keep filling the letters page with this sort of guff.
David W

I take your Comfort King and raise you Appliance Direct.

"Put a cake in it!"

UNCLEAR WHIMSY
Now see here, Biffo.

WHEN, WHEN, WHEN will a forward thinking company produce Nasal Bungs to compliment virtual headsets?

Anyone care to contribute to my Kickstarter? I'm releasing "Farmyard Slurry Nostril Quest" on the ZX80.

BYE!
Jabberwoc

I don't know if you're being whimsical or not. I have a vague inkling of reading about VR nasal plugs, but I can't remember what the intention behind them is. Or if I've misremembered. Please... are you just being whimsical? 

GAMING MILL'S LETTER
I've just found my old driving licence - I thought I'd lost it when I moved home a couple of years ago. I've since had a replacement one with a more recent photo of myself and I'm glad I did because my head looks like a fucking pineapple in the old one.

Speaking of losing things, I found my old licence in an unpacked box I've got in a cupboard whilst I was trying to find one of my Oculus Rifts, but I can't for the life of me work out where else they can be. Last time I saw them was in my old house and they were both neatly packed away in their original boxes. How the hell can I lose stuff like that? I can understand a few guitars that I gave away but tech things that? No way - I always hang on to that sort of stuff.

I can't actually remember why I was after my Oculus Rifts in the first place - I probably had some daft idea going through my head that I've since completely forgotten about.

Today is going to be an odd week I think.

I am unfit but strong and that is all,
Gaming Mill

The fever-addled ramblings of Gaming Mill have reminded me to mention that I quite like the look of that standalone Oculus headset that's coming out next year. Yes, I know Virtual Reality makes me feel sick, but this new headset doesn't need a computer or console to plug it into. That alone feels like it removes one of the major VR faff-barriers for me. 

LAUGHABLE FLOP
Hello, here is my filler letter.

These days I look back on laughable flops like the 32X and Virtual Boy quite fondly. Sure, they were rubbish, but I feel like they could have succeeded if things were a little different. I don’t think I’ll feel nostalgic about the Wii U though. It had some good games but they’re all on the Switch now proving the second screen was pointless...and I really dislike Star Fox Zero. 

I also think the PS3 was a bit meh, like it was just going through the motions. If I had to rank Playstations from best to worst it’d be: 2, 1, 4, 3.

Xbox from best to worst is clearly: 360, 1, 1.

Nobody would argue that SEGA’s was: Megadrive, Dreamcast, Saturn, Master System, Game Gear, 32X, Mega CD.

I was too lazy to think about the Nintendo’s consoles, can you rank them for me please or at least say the worst?

Feel free to discuss how correct my other lists were.

Goodbye and goodnight.
Grembot

This is a real good idea. I like this idea. And for the most part, I concur with your rankings. That said, I've developed a bit of a soft patch for the 32X recently. Yeah, it was probably a terrible idea, but it actually had some decent games. Knuckles Chaotix, Star Wars, Virtua Racing Deluxe, and Metalhead all showed to potential of the ill-fated add-on.

Anyhow, Nintendo consoles; Super NES, Switch, N64, NES, Wii, GameCube, Wii U. No, I'm not sure about that at all, and I've not included handhelds. I'm not a psychopath.

OLD BEN
I have in the past, when walking somewhere, usually on my commute, seen someone heading in the same direction and silently, begrudgingly, race them to our location. I know I'm not the only person who does this and may even have been the rival on someone else's weird competitiveness (their wins didn't count though, it was the off-season)

Given the amount of shit on Steam, why isn't there a simulator for this particular mental disorder? I'm thinking drop-in/drop-out multiplayer and hikertars.
Ben Williams

"Hikertars"? Are you just being funny, Kenneth?

Incidentally, last weekend I logged into Steam for the first time in aeons.

It still has a terrible layout, it's still hard to find good indie games, and there's still too little (or no) quality control. It's basically like walking into a shop with the slogan "We'll literally stock any old shit (in fact, we don't even know 90% of what's even in here), so come on in and have a browse; pretty much everything is just in a massive pile at the back, so have a root around in here while we count our money"...

BIG N
Hello Digi 2k.

Great article outing the big N for being the EVIL SHIT RATS they are. It’s always been beyond me why they seem to get a free pass from the gaming public, despite their many, many instances of cuntish behaviour, which makes me wonder - have Nintendo fans got Stockholm syndrome?

See, I don’t have issue with big companies being bastards; it’s throughly expected. I’d be disappointed if Shuntaro Furukawa didn’t bathe in a pool of Nintendo fanboys tears, perhaps being rubbed down by a nubile teen cosplaying as Bowsette... sorry I need a moment...

My issue is with how servile and weak gamers are. We’ll accept behaviour from Nintendo that we’d screech and decry from Microsoft or Sony. 

Anyway, Turner a Worm was a big spunky knob on the last teletext Digi, wasn’t he?

Cheers,
Ramshackle Retro 

People just really like Nintendo's games, coupled to them appearing all sort of friendly, with their T Treehouse presentations, and bright colours, and that. 

Thing is, I can't really argue with them shutting down ROM sites, as annoying as that is - because they're fully entitled to protect their property. But at the same time, their approach to YouTubers and streamers - basically stealing their income - is completely out of order. Both things stem from the exact same mindset, but it's the inflexibility that really grates. They don't seem to understand that watching and playing are two completely different things. 

​It's something I've had to consider with Digitiser The Show. Obviously, we need to cover Nintendo games, but I've mostly avoided showing any Nintendo gameplay. And that's obviously a shame. Gawd knows what they'll make of Duck Hunt For Real...

CROSS WORDS
It seems like Sony have relaxed their wanker's grip on PS4 Fortnite cross-play - yay.

Much like yourself, I’m sure, and indeed many of the brothers and sisters reading this, I couldn’t give a toss either, BUT please read on for a seismic speculation:

Games like Fortnite, Roblox, and Minecraft are surely a gateway to the end of exclusivity?

Think about it, Manny; there’s a lot of money in people playing together and that’s what it’s all about right?

I’ve read (somewhere) that the average Fortnite gamer spends around 80 quid (or bucks but it’s all the same) and that’s a lot of money for a fairly shitty game in every respect but one - it’s very inclusive.

Like swinging, but with (probably) less rancour.

What I’m predicting is an end to ‘traditional console values’, and by that I of course mean an end to needing multiple consoles to play exclusive games - and that’s gotta be great news for us all, right?

I really think so…. scratch that, Bella; I really HOPE so because I hate having shit everywhere and that’s another reason why Nintendo are dicks - loads of little bitty bits of shit everywhere  - like if you owned a sharting weasel.
Dean Boni

I was thinking about this the other day. I reckon consoles as we know them are going to go away before long, and all games will be streamed. All you'll have is a cheap plug-in for your TV and a joypad - both of which could be manufactured by anyone - and all the actual processing shit'll be done remotely.

Also, I played Fortnite for a bit a month or two back, but I didn't have a clue what I was supposed to be doing, and concluded that I hate it.

HALF MAN... 
You've been doing letters pages for actual, metric, yonks now, so my question today is this: is there a question you've always dreaded receiving in your inbox, but never have? Some way you fear you might get called out or a topic you don't feel comfortable nor qualified to discuss... but equally, you wouldn't simply want to simply ignore if it was asked? What's your conversational Pandora's Box?
Chris Allcock

Hmm. This is a good question, and I shall try to furnish it with a suitably honest answer. Truth is, I do sometimes feel that my gaming knowledge is a tad limited, compared to some of you.

​I've huge gaps in what I know about games - I've never played, say, DOTA, barely played Team Fortress or Counterstrike, I'm not big into your beat 'em ups or Japanese RPGS, or sports games, or racing games... and I get more set in my ways as I get older. Time's a-ticking, and I have no desire to waste time trying to appreciate things that I might never end up enjoying.

So, basically... no, there isn't a question I've dreaded receiving - I can always choose not to answer, or answer in a flippant way - but yeah... I dunno... my Pandora's Box contains all the things about games that I know very little about.

ON THE RACK
Dear Mr Bovril, I remember as a lad the newsagents across from my school had a display rack selling Mastertronic and Firebird games for £1.99, which made them affordable even to me, despite my parents bring unjustifiably parsimonious on the pocket money front.

At that price it wasn't too painful to find you'd bought a pile of chuff guff like KP Skips Action Biker Clumsy Collin.

I know we live in the age of the download, but wouldn't it be nice to be able to get physical copies of budget titles like when I was a lad, if only so future generations can unearth old shoe boxes full of forgotten games?

I am old and a tad maudlin. 
Treacle Truffle

Yeah, well, some games are sort of doing the whole nice packaging thing when it comes to new retro releases. Watch Nostalgia Nerd's video on the new C64 game Organiism.

FIX YOU
If you’re still taking requests, after your articles about how you would improve Tomb Raider and Duke Nukem, I have two more games I would like to see get the Digitiser improvement treatment. I nominate these two for the same reason, I found the protagonists to be a bit unlikeable.

First is Grand Theft Auto. To sum it up, I much prefer the Saints Row series, because while both games have you playing gun welding psychopaths with little to no regard to basic human law, at least the Saints Row people seems to jolly and have a laugh about their job After GTA5 came out, a lot of people sang the praises of Trevor, but I always found him to so hate filled and gross. I know his personality is meant to make him the quintessential GTA “protagonist”, but I know that isn’t necessary because, again, look at Saints Row.

The other is Devil May Cry. Now, I love Devil May Cry, even the DMC “reboot? (Reimagining? Whatever you want to call it.)” which everyone hates because Dante had short hair, but after the seeing the trailer for the new game, I just found the whole “I’m so cool, I can effortlessly break the laws of gravity and physics” persona to be a bit tiresome. Maybe I’m getting too old for the young, hip dude that is Nero? I dunno. I did like how Dante kinda looks like a retired Van Halen Roadie though.

Those were my thoughts. Hope this letter didn’t get sent too late.

Regards
El Greenio Screenio

Hmmmm. Good suggestions, but there are two caveats here; I would honest struggle to fix the GTA series. I hear your sentiments about Trevor, but I think he works as a character in those games. And it's hard to think of what else I might want to change from GTA V, beyond... more of the same but better.

I'd like a change of location, mind, but much as I want a GTA set in London - for entirely selfish reasons - it's hard to think of where to set those games beyond American cities (as much for the diversity of the landscape nearby, as anything else).

Devil May Cry is a good example of what I was saying above; I've a big void in my knowledge when it comes to those games. I played the first one. Possibly the second. Then - get this - I was put forward by a friend as a potential writer for the script of DmC, and discussed it with Tameem (the game's directors and eventual writer) from Ninja Theory, but... that never went anywhere. And I didn't play it anyway.

I dunno. But yes - more 'Fix' articles are on their way!

500 Qs OF WHYTE
218) Are there any locations in the UK that you think would make good settings for a game that have not been used before?

219) while there have been a few good games based on Dune over the years, it seems almost as difficult to make work in a game as it is in a film. This puzzles me because a Witcher-style game set on Dune would be a natural fit and give lots of chance to tell the story. Why do you think that it is a relatively untapped source for games?

220) Although we all like to pretend that we only care about gameplay, graphics also matter. What was the last game that you enjoyed but felt let down by the graphics?

221) Can I use this opportunity to send my condolences to the family of Ben Dalglish, who died suddenly. While I would not claim to have known him, his music was genuinely innovative and helped to make lots of people, young and old happy. I will not be the only person who will remember the Last Ninja music for as long as I live. Forget nostalgia - just listen to the sounds he created, in the 80s, on 3 channels. The world is a poorer place for his loss but I am grateful for the memories.
John Whyte

218) Okay, this has probably been done - most obviously in Everybody's Gone To The Rapture - but I've long had an idea, like, dating back decades, for a video game set in the English countryside. I know where it comes from - family holidays as a kid, and the lasting memory of finding a dead sheep in a barn. It was the first large dead thing I ever saw, and it really disturbed me. So, yeah... I want a game which got us out of the British cities, and explored the countryside a bit. Which, I appreciate, does make me sound a bit "Vote Leave"-y.

219) I dunno. I wouldn't say it has been relatively untapped. There have been five official Dune games, according to Wikipedia, and several unofficial multi-user-dungeon-type things. How big Dune is as a potential licence these days anyway? Most people remember it as a weird film. If the new movie gets made, then maybe we'll see another game. 

220) I do not hide that I am a real graphics tart. I'm frequently let down by so many modern games, which focus on trying to make everything photorealistic, rather than thinking about the art design. The look of games is becoming tiresomely homogenised. So, take your pick.

​221) Consider your sentiments echoed here.

BRIMMING OVER
​Hello! I would very much like to see ‘Ten Video Games Featuring Wilford Brimley’ on Digitiser one day. I enclose artwork of the man himself as no reference whatsoever.
Dan Farrimond 

And with that plea for nonsense from Danno... we come to an end of the letters for this week. Goodbye now. Goodbe.