THE DIGITISER FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

Ay-yi-yaaaaa! Two weeks until Digitiser Live! Rehearsals start today. It's all feeling very real now.

You'll have no doubt noticed that we've been quite coy about what the audience can expect at the show. This is deliberate; we want it to be a surprise. And I suspect it won't quite be what anyone is expecting. There are a lot of moving parts, so I'm sure it'll fall apart at points on the night... but that's part of our charm, right? We're a complete mess!

​If you still want to come, but don't have a ticket, keep checking the shop page on here. We're getting the occasional returned ticket, and putting them up for sale intermittently. Once you hear what occurred at the show, you're going to feel bad you never made the effort. You only live once. 

Don't forget that there is an event page on Facebook for those of you who are coming, if you'd like to sign up. We'll be posting some info on there over the next week or so. And if you haven't done this already, and you have a ticket, please check your email.

We sent an important one a week or so ago. Just one, so please don't all email going "I got one email, so was there meant to be another one that I didn't get?"

No. Just one. ONE.

​Now: letters.

If you'd like to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, please send your dank emails to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com​​​​​​​​​

CATCH-UP IF YOU CAN
​I've been catching up on Digitiser articles because I have been Away, by which I mean I have been housesitting my brother and sister-in-law's cat (the cat lives in their house; they do not live in the cat) for two weeks. I just never checked anything online whilst I was shoehorning in as much as I could from their Netflix account.

So I get to the June 21st Letters page and *fuck me swinging* what do I see? Virtually Impossible! I saw that show, believe you me I did, and I've resented it for 25 years.

They canned Knightmare because they decided CITV was skewing to a younger demographic who wouldn't get it, so VP was meant to be its replacement for younger kids. And as a kid who loved Knightmare and loved videogames, it was a proper kick in the teeth.

No fun at all, just huge crude VR CGI being played by kids who, probably through no fault of their own, couldn't get to grips with lumbering slowly around these boring digital worlds. It was mostly the same in every episode too; I think there was some variation on whether the second round was in a dark spaceship setting or something else, but otherwise you had the same games from episode to episode, like the kart race and the one where you had to walk around a building site collecting tetris pieces.

​I suppose if I was being as charitable as I could muster, I might say it was a show not so much ahead of its time as without any time to belong to: VR was next to useless in the 90s, and now that we're at a level where it's legitimately immersive, would anyone want to be arsed watching kids being coached by a digital fish when they could just play it themselves?

It actually ran for two series: a short four-episode run to introduce the concept, and a full 12-episode one in Knightmare's usual slot the following year. I have never forgiven that fish.

Yours, curmudgeonly,
Sedric and Charlie

Everyone is so obsessed with Knightmare. I watched it, but it debuted the year I left school and got a job, so I only ever saw it in passing. I'm sure I would've liked it, being - as I was - a terrible geek boy. Anyway, without that sentimental attachment, I'm afraid I couldn't care less what replaced it. Knightmare ran for 8 series, which is astonishingly rare in TV. Take it from somebody who knows; they had a good run.

Anyway. Press reveal to see an episode from Series 9 of Knightmare:

REVEAL:

DO THE MASH
Dear Señor Biffo,

Love the show. 
​
What was the best button masher of the 80s? Remember Daley Thompson's Decathlon and Combat Games, where there any more?

Also which was the best of the deeply erotic, sensual, and sexy Party Games games, 1 or 2?
​
Fun fact: You could turn Party Games into a Robin Askwith film by using the Amiga mouse, instead of the joystick (oo-er) or the keys. 

Keep on Digitising,​
John Rain

I have always hated button-mashers. Well, I hate them because I can't do them. You know: like how I hate people who are immune to my boundless guile and charm...

​I don't really hate them. That was a joke; don't take anything I say or do literally. I merely distrust those people on a sort of profound level. 

In the upper years at school, our PE lessons would take place at our local leisure centre, and afterwards a bunch of us would crowd round a Track And Field machine and I was terrible at it, and got laughed at because of this. Yeah, well... let's see how much your ability to do frantic tapping helps you survive the apocalypse. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?!?!? 

"Oh no! We've run out of food and clean drinking water!"

"Stand back, everyone. I'll deal with this!"

<STARTS TAPPING HIS INDEX FINGER FRANTICALLY AGAINST A TABLE, AS EVERYONE ELSE LOOKS ON, CONFUSED>

Also, I have no knowledge of this Party Games thing, though some brief research has shown me it was some sort of tawdry sex game. So, that's a bit sad.

TESCO VALUE
Cowabunga Biffodacious!

Capitalism eh! The rules are decided by the super-rich to benefit themselves and the poor have no choice but to go along with it; lucky for us the greed will accelerate the demise of humanity – ALL HAIL THE COCKROACHES!

Naturally that’s a lead in to a letter about the price of games.

I purchased that there Mega Drive Collection on Switch for £27, it’s got over 50 games on it and they all would have been double that price when they were new (probably). You can finish a lot of the games in a day or, if you have “radical skillz” like me, a couple of hours, “dude”. 

As I finished off that Shinobi one with the dog in it (PRO TIP: Don’t kill any ninjas on the bonus stage to get an extra life) I had these thoughts and in this order:

1. If you bought this for £50 back in the day you weren’t getting much vid (-eo game) for your quid. 
2. But we just played games over and over back then.
3. I wonder when I started playing things just once and moving on?
4. If this was an indie game how much would they charge for it now?
5.  I wonder what the development cost was back then?
6. Hold on, development costs now are in the millions and there are more games than ever, but they cost less; how’s that?
7. Yeah discs are cheaper than carts but still…

Please discuss anything coherent I may have accidentally said above.

Or not, I don’t care.

Yo momma.
Grembot

P.S. The correct lobster + atlas = joke is:

Q: What is a lobster’s favourite place in an atlas?
A: Seychelles (sea shells).

I dunno. The price of games has always seemed too high, even though games - as you say - are bigger and cost less in real terms than they used to. I suppose it's a bit like how everyone moans about how awful everything is, forgetting that our ancestors used to have, like, the plague.

I don't mind paying fifty or sixty quid for a game if I know it's going to last me a month or two. And yeah, back in the day I did indeed lay into the likes of the £70 Virtua Racer on the Mega Drive, with its pitiful three tracks. 

EDIT POINT
This is the first letter to Digitiser I've ever sent and while I don't really have much to say, I just want to show my appreciation.

I love watching the videos when they come out and I haven't laughed so hard in recent weeks as I've laughed watching the Digi-Minis (laughing SO HARD until I literally cry, but I love every second of it). 

Another thing is the editing style. I've been thinking about this since I watched Digitiser The Show, but it's absolutely amazing. I just love it - everything that's being said is accompanied by a visual aid and accented on. Something like a simple sentence becomes 200 times funnier when you add a funny graphic to it. I know it might be a bit weird but I really like it. 

Please, don't ever stop making videos and awesome shows. While I know about two things about video games, I love watching them. Thank you!

With lots of love,
Denitsa "Denny" Dimitrova​

The editing is my favourite bit of making stuff. I enjoy filming things, I enjoy directing, I enjoy setting things up and the challenge of organising something new, I love making props... but editing is the one part that I always, without fail, cannot wait to get stuck into. I actually get excited, especially when I know I have the time to do something ridiculous with the edit. So... thank you. I feel validated! 

At last!

MR FUNNY
Hello again. I am going to email every week now without fail. Unless I do fail.

I'd be really interested to know what kind of comedy you were into growing up and what you like now?

I hate to use the term 'random', but there is often a lack of connection between your characters and what they are saying. Usually the character itself is an amalgamation of unconnected things.

I grew up loving The Young Ones, Monty Python and Vic & Bob where unpredictability was prevalent.
Stu (36, Birmingham)​

I always enjoyed comedy that wasn't aimed at kids; like you, Python was my first big love, then The Young Ones. I was obsessed with both of them; mostly anything that was random. My favourite Python sketch is Confuse-A-Cat, not even so much for the finished thing, but the script for it, which I read before I even saw the episode.

Specifically, the glorious stream-of-consciousness that is the following;

Drum roll and cymbals. The curtains draw back and an amazing show takes place, using various tricks: locked camera, fast motion, jerky motion, jump cuts, some pixilated motion etc. Long John Silver walks to front of stage.

Long John Silver: My lords, ladies and Gedderbong. 

(Long John Silver disappears. A pause. Two boxers appear. they circle each other. On one's head a bowler hat appears, vanishes. On the other's a sterve-pipe hat appears. On the first's head is a fez. The stove-pipe hat becomes a stetson. The fez becomes a cardinal's hat. The stetson becomes a wimple. Then the cardinal's hat and the wimple vanish. One of the boxers becomes Napoleon and the other boxer is astonished. Napoleon punches the boxer with the hand inside his jacket. The boxer falls, stunned. Horizontally he shoots off stage. Shot of cat, watching unimpressed. Napoleon does one-legged pixilated dance across stage and off, immediately reappearinng on other side of stage doing same dance in same direction. He reaches the other side, but is halted by a traffic policeman. The policeman beckons onto the stage a man in a penguin skin on a pogostick. The penguin gets halfway across and then turns into adustbin. Napoleon hops off stage. Policeman goes to dustbin, opens it and Napoleon gets out. Shot of cat, still unmoved. A nude man with a towel round his waist gets out of the dustbin. Napoleon points at ground. A chair appears where he points. The nude man gets on to the chair, jumps in the air and vanishes. Then Napoleon points to ground by him and a small cannon appears. Napoleon fires cannon and the policeman disappears. The man with the towel round his waist gets out of the dustbin and is chased off stage by the penguin on the pogostick. A sedan chair is carried on stage by two chefs. The man with the towel gets out and the penguin appears from the dustbin and chases him off. Napoleon points to sedan chair and it changes into dustbin. Man in towel runs back on to stage and jumps in dustbin. He looks out and the penguin appears from the other dustbin and hits him on the head with a raw chicken. Shot of cat still unimpressed. Napoleon, the man with the towel round his waist, the policeman, a boxer, and a chef suddenly appear standing in a line, and take a bow. They immediately change positions and take another bow. The penguin appears at the end of the line with a puffof smoke. Each one in turn jumps in the air and vanishes. Shot of passive cat.)

'RICK 
Dear Fibbo,

I wrote a limerick.

There once was a man named Biffo,
Who slept on a very soft pillow.
He buys too many toys,
Which he inflicts on his boys,
And he has an enormous will-ow.
(c) Lee M 2019

Interestingly, though probably not, I actually bought a new very soft pillow this week, which is an orthopaedic thing, because I have done a real bad nonsense to my arm by sleeping on it funny. I'm desperately trying to heal it before Digi Live, because currently it can't even hang at my side without searing agony, and I have no feeling in one of my fingers. 

I've had to be uncommonly quiet on social media due to not being able to feel the keys when I'm typing. 

Why, I even bought some special "rubbing cream" made from "hemp", which alarmed one of my children because it comes in a big tub emblazoned with a marijuana leaf. Does it help? Not really, but it does make my "arm" tingle in a nice way.

GLOVE IS IN THE AIR
Dear Mr Beifo,

I recently borrowed The Wizard from my video shop and in it a boy has this glove with loads of buttons and stuff on it. It's called the Power Glove. 

Is there really such a thing as this Power Glove?

​Can you make sweet love to the Power Glove?

Yours profoundly,
Retro.exe

Is this a joke? Everyone knows about the Power Glove don't they? It was made by Mattel, and despite its now iconic status, it was awful.

Could you make love to it? Given that there seem to be no depths some people won't sink to, I wouldn't be surprised 

STAR TREK JOKE
[In a hologram message]: 
​
Mr Biffo. Years ago, you served my father on the Digitiser. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Brexit.
​
I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission to bring you to London, Harrow, has failed.

I have placed information vital to the survival of the common sense into the memory systems of this R2 unit.

My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to him in London, Harrow.

​This is our most desperate hour.

Help me, Mr biffo. You're my only hope. [looks to the side quickly, then crouches to end the message]  
Daph 

Hey - I get that reference!!!

GAMING MILL'S LETTER
I've been having brutal arguments online with people that don't even know me. Brutal you say? Why, yes! It all started with me typing something about ghosts and how they don't exist. I asked "If ghosts exist then where are all of the ghost insects, lettuces, trees, bacteria?" etc..

I've never seen a ghost (because they don't exist) but it got me thinking - are you only going to get stang from a ghost-bee if you're a ghost yourself? Also, in the films I've seen, ghosts can walk through walls and stuff, which made me realise that if ghosts did exist then they're surely impervious to the power of gravity? How did I come to this conclusion? Well, if gravity affected them then they'd fall straight through the surface of the planet and end up forever in the centre of Earth.

If ghosts do exist (which they don't; I might have mentioned that already), and if gravity doesn't have any effect on them, then I would, personally, fly into space and look at the Moon and other stuff like that.

Ghosts also seem to be portrayed as translucent, which means that they'd be pretty blind, as the light that hits their retinas that enables sight would actually mostly pass through them.

So, ghost-bees... Do they have ghost-flowers and ghost-hives? I THINK NOT! Is it also only ghost-bears that can plunder the ghost-bees' ghost-harvest of honey too? It's not that I'm worried or anything, but if I was a ghost-bear I'd go and raid a ghost-butcher's shop or something. Their cleavers and knives wouldn't hurt me at all.

All that being said, I'm really looking forward to Shenmue III... I can't wait to be playing it and getting bored out of my simple mind, only to end the evenings sitting in a corner of my lounge and weeping quite openly from the sorrow of another Shenmue purchase.

That is all, now I'm out of here to avoid ghosts,
Gaming Mill​

I have had similar thoughts about ghosts, though the thing about the light hitting their retinas is a new wrinkle that I hadn't previously considered. Maybe being unable to see is why they're always moaning and walking into walls. The massive idiots!

Press reveal to be haunted:

REVEAL:

PLUGHOLE
Happy Friday Mr Biffo!

Responding to your weekly call for letters and plugs, I was wondering if I could plug my London Marathon attempt - I'm a fat bloke (read: stereotypical gamer), who is trying to lose a 1/3 of his body weight and get a decent work-life balance (which is impossible when you're a teacher), while raising money for Mencap and those with learning disabilities.

https://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-display/showROFundraiserPage?userUrl=MrSeeryRunsTheMarathon&pageUrl=1 

I'm also charting my progress on my twitter also at the moment at https://twitter.com/RunSirRun

Question me do: Have you ever run a marathon? Do you have any advice?
Rob "Hey" Seery 

Good luck with the marathon, Alexa. I can safely say that it's something I will never do, given that I can't even lay motionless anymore without breaking some part of my body.

Press reveal to see your favourite body part:

REVEAL:

LITTLE DRUMMER BOY
Hello again. 

You weren't impressed with my suggestion last week about your ex-QTSA drummer Joey Castillo doppelganger. Consequently, I investigated the drumming community and believe Reni of The Stone Roses to be the nearest available match. As he has a beard. Otherwise, I'm out of ideas. I trust you appreciate my research on this matter (spent during valuable company time). 

Peace and vegetables. ​
Alex Morris

He looks even less like me. You can't just send in photos of any random man with a beard. 

Also, why is he dressed like a nun?

COD AND CHIPS
Biff-oh, the news of COD being afflicted with a two hundred player battle royale mode fills me with impending dread. When will it end? The half-arsed PS4 port of DayZ shows what happens when things go wrong. Additionally, it shows how quickly things go wrong.

At least battaru royaru mode hasn't infected indie games yet, but it's only a matter of time. 

Though to scrape together two hundred online players total is a big ask to begin with for an indie game. Couch-based multiplayer is still en vogue, but mainly due to no network code being needed. A great current example being Attack of the Toy Tanks, exactly what the title describes. The local multiplayer just needs an extra controller and you're off. 

Have a great weekend yo. 
Ian

PS. Cheddar or Edam sir? ​

So long as they remember that COD is meant to have a campaign, I don't really care one way or another about a battle royale mode. The thought of a 200-player gun-fest actually piques my curiosity. At least then the map might feel properly inhabited.

One of my biggest issues with online shooters is the having to walk miles to a firefight, only to be shot immediately, and then jettisoned back to a respawn point. 

Also: Edam.

STORYTIME
He closes the oak panelled double doors behind him. Indeed, the oak panelled walls and floors and chairs betray the fact that this is indeed, the board room.

"Can I help you?" asks the stern suited man at the head of the oak table, sat in his oak chair, with his oak pipe.

A minutes silence passes. The stranger remains stood at the door, his back to the board.

"I say again, can I help you?!" sternly this time.

The strangers head drops a little and he begins to mumble to himself.

"Look here, this is a private meet...." the stern man is cut short as the stranger spins on his heels to face the room. 6 foot 4 inches of cold steel, his body hard and chiselled like a lithe athlete.

"I believe you can help me... I need to know something."

Another minute. The board of directors sit puzzled but unbowed by the intrusion. They are, after all, strong men with sharp elbows and focus.

"I want to know...which one of you came up with the phrase...Innocent Smoothies?"

"What....I'm not sure I can....." again cut short.

"Because it sounds like a website where nonces gather, that is why! In your attempts to be clever and funny and hip, you have instead sewed the seeds of degeneracy by making such a term acceptable in society. Just dwell on these phrases for a second and see, see into the abyss as I do.

​"I'd like an innocent smoothie, I have an innocent smoothie for lunch, shall we get some innocent smoothies for the picnic!... and whoever came up with Innocent kids juices, if it is the same individual, needs to be held to account! Where is 'it' hiding!"

Trendy Dan from marketing, in his slip-ons, no socks and casual disregard for smart working dress, is now leopard crawling away under the oak table, across the parquet oak floor towards one of the oak framed windows.

"There you are you...reckless...disgusting...marketing...demon!"

A flash of straight razor, arcs of crimson, the dull throb of emptying arteries. 

"Now...where the hell is the person who came up with Nakd? It's a health food bar, I don't want to hump it! Plus...Use of the word smooshed is now outlawed. You have been warned!"

Oh and, before I leave. Did you secretly want to see Brian Blessed host Gamesmaster like me?

------------------ Fin --------------------------
​Mr G

And to think... we get grief for not talking about games enough in our videos. It's people like you who encourage us. And Blessed as Games Master? I dunno. He's sort of reached national treasure status these days, but he always struck me as a tramp who got lucky.