THE DIGITISER FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

20/9/2019

You can now send us physical things! Yes, we've joined forces with Cheapshow to share a PO Box, so if you've got anything lying around that you think would be good for one of our videos, please send it to PO Box 1271, Harrow, HA3 3NS and mark whether it's for Cheapshow or Digitiser.

We'll even accept physical letters for the purposes of this page. We might even read some of them out in a video.

For now... this week's email letters. Please read. There are always loads of really important things mentioned in the replies. Like, really important.

If you'd like to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, or you've got a picture of a bin you wish to share, please send your filthy emails to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com

WONKY DONKEY
My over-riding memory of SMTV Live (the last Saturday morning show I regularly watched) was waking up rather late and stumbling downstairs and only ever seemed to catch the last 15-30 minutes (I was a teenager!)

So if you wanted to get my nostalgia glands flowing you could just maybe make the last half hour of such a show and stuff could have already happened that gets referenced but never seen. (And, you know, instruct everyone to watch it with a hangover... )

I didn’t say it was a good idea!
Dominic

The jury is out at the minute as to how long the episodes should be for the idea we currently have. The common wisdom is that YouTube's algorithm would be a lot happier if the eps were shorter... yet the most watched things on the channel are generally all 30 minutes or more. And it's going to be hard to compress the feel of a Saturday morning kids' TV show into 15 minutes.

So, I dunno if you'll get just the last 15-30 minutes. You'll more likely get 3 hours' worth compressed into however long we make the eps. HOWZAT?!

THE EDGE MAGAZINE
Heyup Mr Biffo,

If Bono is a PC Engine, then what other retro consoles are the other members of U2?

Will 'sploshing' make an appearance in the next series of Digitiser The Show? I'm asking... for a friend...

Have you ever watched Archer or Space Ghost: Coast To Coast? If so, whaddya reckon to 'em?

Also - I made a thing, right 'ere:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4y1y-zqCZc

It's kinda like my version of Fan Art for the Teletext incarnation of Digitiser.

Ciao,
dpd

I don't really know enough about the individual members of U2 to answer your stupid question, UPS. Bono I obviously know about. We all know The Edge, because of his funny name, so he'd be, like, the Fairchild Channel F, and the other two would be a couple of those knock-off clone consoles, with 150 games on them.

Never watched Archer - though I've heard it's good. Space Ghost Coast to Coast I loved. It's rarely talked about anymore, but it was so influential on the likes of Eric Andre, Tim and Eric, and pretty much anything on Adult Swim.

Of course, none of those are a patch on your little teletext animation, which I enjoyed far more than it probably deserved. In return, press reveal to see The Edge:

REVEAL:

USS AND THEM
Dear Digitiser,

Was the Enterprise really a piece of shit?

Yours sincerely,
An Oric owner

Upon reading this, I assumed it was about the Starship Enterprise, but you've also written two similar letters under other names, and those ones are about computers. So I dunno. I mean, I'm assuming you want some sort of funny answer, but I don't really know what to say.

COMMODE
Dear Digitiser,

Was the Commodore Plus/4 really a pile of whale wank?

Yours sincerely,
A Sinclair C5 owner

Here we go. Here's the second one.

PORT ORTHORITY
Hello!

I hope you are well and have had a wonderful week. If not, I hope next week is wonderful for you instead!

Is the PO Box gonna be indefinitely open, or is it open on a trial basis for now? Is there anything you absolutely do NOT want sending to the PO box?

Are there any video-game related topics you definitely won't discuss on the site? Today (as of writing) you posted a thing about times Mortal Kombat was blamed for real life violence, and while a very interesting and intelligent read, it seems like something a lot of people would shy away from discussing lest it be deemed insensitive or 'too political' or whatever. Where do you draw the line?

Have a lovely lovely day,
Chai :)

We've got the PO Box for six months as a trial thing. It's quite expensive - thanks, Patrons (you also paid for a new camera, some new lights, and a new handheld gimbal camera thing this month, as well as loads of tat) - so we're seeing whether it proves to be worth the expense. We're going to try and open the post in videos, so it's a more-or-less guaranteed way of getting a shout-out!

We obviously absolutely do not want anything too disgusting. Please no poo. Or anything illegal. Just fun stuff we could theoretically use in videos.

I did have a bit of a think before committing to that Mortal Kombat article. I mean, my thing is to be tongue-in-cheek when I write, so I had work out how to balance some genuinely sad things with my own style. I did have to consider whether it was okay to mention the details of the case where the young girl was beaten to death, but the target of the piece wasn't the tragedy, or making fun of the victims, but the way the media responded.

I don't think there's any topic I'd rule out discussing on here, just that some subjects might need a little more sensitive handling than others.

VICTORIAN
Dear Digitiser,

Was the Vic-20 really run on donkey spunk?

Sincerely,
Mr J. Izum

Yeah, okay. You've had your fun. Press reveal so I can have mine:

REVEAL:

CATNIP FOR BIFFO
Sorry to hear your holiday wasn't as relaxing as you'd hoped. I do seem to find I could do with another break after I've been away. I fear this may be part of being an "adult".

Hopefully you'll have a better time in Disneyland, but I'm hearing how unsuccessful the new Star Wars land is, which surprises me because all the videos I'm seeing have me really hyped. By this time next week I'll have been to the one in Orlando, so if I get the chance, I'll report back, but I might be too busy driving a droid around the hotel room to write in.
Alan Jones

Oooh, lucky you, Tom. I'm ridiculously excited about my trip. I wish I could've held out until the other ride has opened, but that's not to be unfortunately. This is the window of opportunity given to me. Consequently, for all my excitement, I've lowered my expectations just a tad.

There is part of me which worries that it'll feel like a glorified shopping mall, but it's Disney. It sort of comes with the territory.

As for the land being unsuccessful... the main e-ticket ride isn't open yet, Disney hiked up prices expecting demand for the land would prove enough for people to overlook it, and for budgetary reasons they cut a ton of already-announced stuff that people were very excited for. And yeah, maybe basing it on the new films was a mistake.

But I don't care really. I just want to see the Millennium Falcon in real life. The thing I probably love most about theme parks isn't the rides, but the theming and being immersed. It ticks the same box for me as film set design.

So I dunno. I'm reserving judgement until I've experienced it first-hand. I'll take plenty of video, and cobble something together from it when I'm back.

TART
So, Candyfloss grapes. Have you come across these? They have been selectively grown to have that kind of "strawberry" flavour that bubblegum and some candyfloss have. It's very odd, especially as the slight tartness that grapes normally have isn't there. They seem to be a thing in supermarkets at the moment.
Paul Dunning

I... I have not heard of these things, but I want to sample them immediately. Please: which supermarket are you finding these in?!?

AWAKE AND NERVOUS
Today I'd love to be playing Link's Awakening on the Switch, but I can't afford it, so I'm going to have to make do with the Gameboy version. And maybe pretend it's like I'm playing the Switch in the attic, like the guy in the advert for it I've seen too many times recently.

I know you dislike the question 'what classic game should be remade', but what about 'what modern game that didn't have 8/16-bit predecessors would have been potentially good as an 8/16-bit game?'

Or if that's too loathsome, whatever happened to BW after Biffovision?
Mr.S

Bloody hell. That question is a bit of a headspin. Isn't there a YouTube channel that makes videos of things in 8/16-bit form? As for what modern game should be given that treatment... all the Sonic ones. Sonic should never be in 3D.

BW is in my loft! He was actually in The Trojan Arse protocol, in the background. Squint and you might be able to make him out...

NO
Hello. As I'm sure you're aware, you (Mr. Biffo) bear a passing resemblance to director Viktor Bryukhanov (Con O'Neill) from excellent HBO mini-series Chernobyl. Shave the beard off, curly up the hair - you could have auditioned for the role. Why didn't you?
Mr. Morris

Just... no, Johnny. This is the worst, most stupid, most inaccurate one of these yet.

YO LA TENGO
I hid my yo-yo in the garden. I can't hide you from the Government. Oh, God, daddy I won't forget.
Jon Clay, Taunton, Somerset

What would you like me to say to this? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?!

GAMING MILL'S LETTER
I've just spent the last two days paper papier-mâchéing a balloon. I tried to make some 'special paper' by liquidising a load of A4 printer paper with water, wall paper paste, PVA glue and flour. It burnt out the motor on my food blender so I had to result to my powered hand food mixer. It burnt that out too.

I continued with my lumpy endeavour, but I'd slapped my magic mixture on so thick it was still really wet come day two, and it had dripped all over my quilt overnight (I was hanging the balloon from my bedroom light).

About an hour ago I carried on with the task in hand, only for the balloon to suddenly burst on its own accord. A substantial amount of my bedroom is now a complete mess and I'm now wondering if I should let it just let it dry and peel the mixture off the walls, ceiling and headboard or just get a cloth and wipe it all down. The last one doesn't seem like much of an option though because I really cannot be bothered right now.

Worst of all is that I can't even remember why I wanted a papier-mâché balloon in the first place but Amazon delivered some silver paint and clear varnish earlier (of which I had forgotten I'd ordered) so that might have something to do with it; it's not stirred up any memories though so now I've got to find something to do with them.

I was thinking of spraying some candles with them to give a 'romantic feel' for some lucky lady that may venture here, but a) I have no candles, b) there is no lady that lucky, and 3) I don't believe in luck. I don't believe in luck because I don't seem to have had any in any way, shape, or form this year.

Ah well.

Forever your savant servant,
Gaming Mill

Oh, Gaming Mill... you're such a tragic ball of whimsy.

BELLSTON CHECKS IN
Dear Biffo,

He did it! The Man’s Daddy did it! I always hoped he would, but you never know how things will turn out on the day.

Yes, that’s right - the street parties have been happening all week, and the open top bus parade was something that we’ll all remember for years to come. Because The Man’s Daddy won the 2019 Digitiser Characters World Cup!

Doesn’t that sound good as you read it? What a deserving champion The Man’s Daddy is. It was a classic final between him and Mr T, the icing on the cake to a thoroughly engrossing competition, and it totally lived up to the hype. Both competitors brought their A-game, with only a whisker between them throughout.

Thanks to everyone who played along with the tournament on Twitter over those few weeks. It was a lot of fun organising proceedings, and seeing people really getting into it, rooting for their favourites, and genuinely being disappointed when their favourites went out was great to see. What an entertaining diversion it was.

I’m happy for you that Daddy took the trophy - we know your affection for the guy. It was by no means a foregone conclusion for him with such a tricky route to the final (when the baffling, unexpected popularity of Mulder & Scully became apparent elsewhere, it seemed like there were no easy games), so he unquestionably deserved it.

What do you say, another one in 4 years time to coincide with Digi’s 30th anniversary? I think that would be very much in order.

Prospective competition hosts should get their bids in early, I have a feeling it’s going to be popular. And who knows which other old characters will be unearthed in the meantime...
Chris Bell

Yes! It was quite gratifying to see Daddy win. I cast my vote of course, but when it came down to it I did waver... I just love the simplicity of the Mr T graphic so much, you see.

I did think it was telling that the final four were all in Digitiser The Show, but also... those four were in Digitiser The Show perhaps because they were the top four characters.

Thanks for running it, Bellston. It was a lot of fun. And you've just reminded me that next month is the fifth anniversary of this site. What an unexpected five years those have been...! I could not have predicted any of it.

MOCOLOGY
Short but sweet this week! Hope you're well!

1) I walked into my favourite teacher's class at break today and he looked at me and said "moc-moc-a-moc". How can I prevent him from learning more Digi-speak since he does it to annoy me?

2) Have you received anything from the P.O box and/or when would be the best date to start posting stuffs?
- Asho (@catastroasho)

Asho, is that true about your teacher? Please, I need more context regarding this! Also, all Digi-speak is designed to be a bit annoying, so I'd say your teacher is doing pretty well.

And yes - we've already received stuff via the PO Box! So if you've got something... now is as good a time as any.

50 Qs OF WHYTE
431) Has any game created a better or more believable universe from its outset as Mass Effect? If so, which one? I wouldn't say it was my favourite, but it felt really convincing and self-consistent until the awful ending in ME3.

432) If you had to predict an outlook, specifically as game companies, be it positive, negative or somewhere in between for Sony, Nintendo and Microsoft, what would you go for?

433) The early popularity of computer games was driven partly by a close association with fantasy and science fiction, which were a common inspiration and interest of early games players. While I don't think it was a conscious industry choice, the lessening of these links made it much easier for games to become truly mainstream forms of entertainment. Would you agree with that and if not, what was the biggest factor in games not being seen as something for 'nerds?'

434) In the admittedly unlikely event that you had to go on Dragons' Den to try for a computer games-related investment, what would you pitch and how?

435) In no way connected to the Canadian Prime Minister, have there ever been games that you enjoyed at the time and genuinely had no issues with the content but would now look back on and find them unacceptable, or even regret playing them?
John Whyte

431) I've only tried to play one of the Mass Effect games, and found it boring. I've said it before, but the Bioware template does nothing for me, so I can't really comment on it. I guess Halo has done a pretty good job of creating a rounded universe, but Bungie was at points so protective over its lore that it irritated me. It's not The Bible, stupid!

432) Sony: positive. Nintendo: very positive. Microsoft: semi-positive. To be honest, Sony and Microsoft have such deep pockets that it'll be a long time before they give up the fight.

433) I think you're right about that. Certainly I think you have to give a series like FIFA some credit for de-nerding video games (even if FIFA/football is about the nerdiest thing ever; it's just a more accepted form of nerdiness). It's weird isn't it, the things that "nerds" are attracted to? I think about it quite a lot, and - speaking as the father of somebody with autism - wonder whether they seem to attract a higher-then-normal percentage of people with autism, like retro gaming does.

For the record, I love sci-fi, but can't stand fantasy. I tried watching that new Dark Crystal series, and while I loved the production design and craft of it, I found the world-building incredibly tedious.

434) Series 2 of Digitiser The Show... Though I'd prefer to pitch for Series 1 of Bubblegun.

435) I wouldn't say there were any I regret playing, but the most obvious candidate is Duke Nukem 3D... and maybe Conker's Bad Fur Day. Though are either of them really any worse than some of the stuff in GTAV? If there is any game I feel a bit bad about enjoying it's that one, because the thing I enjoy is the depth and scale of the world - not the less politically correct aspects.

WHICH ONE IS STRAIGHT?
Dear Messrs Paul and Paul,

I'd like to express my disappointment in your recent Digitiser episodes. However, it's not because of the content which is absolutely top notch. It's because I'm unable to figure out who is the "straight man" in your shambolic comedy double act.

I feel in the most recent "magic" episode Biffo was the idiot, with his inability to perform simple tricks, but in recent episodes Gannon's flatulence kept stealing the show while Biffo looked on in annoyance.

I hope in future episodes you try to be more careful in your whimsical shenanigans.

Yours,
"Concerned" (Lee)

Weird isn't it? We like to keep you guessing.

In all honesty - and I'm going to give you a serious answer to a possibly-not-entirely-serious letter - it has taken me a while to find my on-screen persona. Or, more accurately, it has taken me a while to fully stop trying to adopt an on-screen persona, and just relax enough to be myself.

Or a heightened version of myself anyway. I was talking about this with my wife yesterday, and said to her that I think I've finally found my "inner clown", and she pointed out that how I am on camera isn't really that different from how I am in day-to-day life.

Obviously, I'm a bit different; I've made it to my age without somehow ruining my life, and raised a whole bunch of kids, and had a relatively alright career, and if I was like that 24 hours a day it'd be insufferable. But yeah... she has a valid point.

As I wrote last year, I'm not a performer or a presenter. Comedians work for years to get good at it, and Gannon has had the benefit of years working as a stand-up. I've had to do all my working-out on camera, in the public eye, so sometimes I have been the straight man or grown-up, and other times the idiot... It's like trying on different shoes to see what fits.

Certainly in the next batch of videos you're going to see... I'm definitely not the grown-up (see below).

It has helped me hugely to stop feeling like I have to talk about video games - I was fighting against the tide anyway with that. And I appreciate having someone at my side with whom I know I've got good chemistry, and who has huge experience. In our early videos I leaned on Paul to do the heavy lifting much more, even if I sometimes edited around that.

When we were filming Digitiser The Show last year, I was very self-conscious in front of the camera, feeling I had to be the person who held it all together, and be a "proper" presenter. It was sometimes hard having so many hosts, because I knew everyone deserved a chance to talk, but it soon became apparent that if left to our own instinctive devices, Gannon and I would just take over. And I'm certain it frustrated the others.

It was only towards the end of the week that I started to relax... and you can see it in Rampage For Real and Mockety Moc.

So, as and when we do a Kickstarter for a new thing, it'll most likely be fronted by me and Paul, possibly with a revolving selection of guests, and segments which can be hosted by others without us getting in the way. It's slowly coming together.

45 Comments

Mr.S

20/9/2019 10:11:00 am

"genuinely being disappointed when their favourites went out was great to see"

Taking pleasure in someones grief? Why not throw cabbages, hot bovril and gravel at them as well!

Chris Bell link

20/9/2019 10:31:29 am

Oh, did I forget to say that I’m a demon that feeds on other people’s pain? Sorry, should’ve mentioned that before we started the World Cup really.

Chris Harris link

20/9/2019 10:16:48 am

No offense, but I'm getting a bit tired of the Biffo/Gannon videos constantly, they feel rather empty without the others.

Will Octav1us and/or Larry ever be making another appearance, or have they been kicked off the show now?

Wapojif

20/9/2019 11:02:46 am

Blasphemy! I think they've been a good laugh, especially the fireworks one. Those two have a natural connection and it works well on screen. It's like the English version of James and Mike from AVGN. But I like they're doing something a bit different from all the other channels, most of which just rant about games all the time.

Dominic

22/9/2019 10:01:03 am

Found Foxes? Found Freedom? Found Formaldehyde?
I need to know how that sentence ends! Have you broken the comments section Biffo? You can add that to your long list of sickening crimes this weekend.

Mr Biffo

20/9/2019 11:15:10 am

All I can say, Chris, is if you're tired of me and Gannon... don't watch us. Go watch something more to your tastes instead of complaining to me, 'cause it won't make a difference.

Ultimately, Digitiser2000 is MY YouTube channel - not anybody else's. I own the Digitiser brand, I co-created Digi 27 years ago, etc. etc.

Nobody complains about the lack of other people on Octav1us's channel, or on Larry's channel, or on Ashens' channel, or moaned at Morcambe and Wise because they didn't do enough episodes with Michael Aspel...!

However - for reasons I don't really want to go into - I was getting concerned that there had become an expectation that was set up by Digitiser The Show that we're still all equal on the Digitiser channel in terms of the billing, and that the others were somehow entitled to appear in the Digi Minis.

I felt everything on the channel had started to become seen as an extension of Digitiser The Show, and it's really, really important to me that I reclaim the channel as my own for me to do what I want with.

It's probably my fault for not being clear enough before, but I now need to create some air between what I do next and Digitiser The Show Series 1, and stake my own claim on what was mine in the first place. Your comment just makes it all the more obvious to me that why I need to do that.

Regardless, Digitiser the Show was always designed around Paul and I as the main hosts... me because Digi is mine and mine alone, and him because of his huge experience in front of the camera.

It just so happened - and this isn't a knock against anybody else - we had the best chemistry on-screen. It's not something you can manufacture.

Larry and Octvav1us are friends, and I'm sure they will appear again (as will other people - I've got some vids with my wife coming up, Ashens is hopefully going to appear soon, hopefully Jim Sterling too at some point, and some other secret guests), but Digitiser The Show was one thing, and the Minis are another.

Another part of the reason there has been less of the Digi The Show hosts on there is because the more people that are involved, the more unwieldy they become to make and edit.

My day job is stressful enough that I don't want to do things in my spare time which also cause me stress. It's meant to be fun; I just want to set up some cameras and mics and arse around. I've no game plan for it, which is liberating; I couldn't give a fig if we're tailoring our content for views. Plus I've enough responsibilities in my life, and enough people who all need me to be there for them - three kids, three step-kids, elderly parents, a demanding job - that I need something drama and logistics-free that's just for me, and isn't a headache.

Everyone else involved with Digitiser The Show has their own channel - Larry's and Sarah's are significantly more popular than Digitiser2000, and even Paul has Cheapshow. Again, the whole point of setting it up was that I had an outlet of my own.

If you and others like this incarnation less... fair enough. I'm still going to carry on doing things the way I want to do them, because otherwise there's no point. Again: it's a hobby, not a job. And if you don't like it, that's fine... but you know what to do.

LizzyBett

20/9/2019 10:30:37 pm

I have to say Mr Biffo, that's a bit of a strong answer. Chris was only asking a pretty reasonable question (unless you have some history with him I'm not aware of). Personally, I also thought the mini episodes were linked to Digi The Show. I wouldn't expect an answer like that if I had asked Chris's question. I didn't think this site was like that.

Mr Bass

21/9/2019 01:04:06 am

Woah Biffo, talk about acting like a spoilt little kid "It's MY channel." actually no, its not. Your channel wouldn't be what it is without the community that surrounds and supports it, hobby or not. Also, as a patreon patron, I'd argue that anyone putting financial input in to support you should also be able to have at least some kind of collective influence to a degree (this is shaky territory I'll grant you) over how the channel is run. Without us, you'd not be able to do all the things you want to do on the channel as easily or as quickly. This is the choice you made when you signed up to patreon. Your attitude has been, on occasion, quite abrupt with anyone who wants to raise a complaint, and it's not gone unnoticed.

21/9/2019 09:55:55 am

Mr Bass: "Not gone unnoticed"??? Oh noooo! They're coming for me!

Look, here's how it works: people DON'T get a say, and the channel is mine to make of it what I want. End of.

You might pay a quid a month or whatever, but I'm the one who has to spend hours making content, and sinking a lot of my own money into it. Patreon enables me to make Mr Biffo things in whatever way my creative instincts lead me.

Simply put, if I ever feel forced to make things under the Digi brand that I don't enjoy making... I'll stop doing it, and you ain't gonna get nothing.

What people DO get, however, is a choice: to support what I do... or NOT support what I do, either financially or by watching/reading it. That's what's on the table.

Voluntarily paying to support somebody's hobby or creative endeavours doesn't entitle you the right to dictate those endeavours. That's how it works.

So, a little bit entitled there, Shirley.

Also, Lizzy: yeah, well, the fact that you too thought the Minis were linked to Digi The Show - rather than the 26-odd years I've been doing stuff as Mr Biffo, is, again, why I needed to give a "strong" answer to make it perfectly clear.

And my answer wasn't just to Chris, but in intended for others who, like you, needed it pointing out to them. That said, I don't think Chris was asking a question. He opened stating that he was tired of the Biffo/Gannon eps, and I felt it important to explain - with no room for debate or speculation - why they were going to continue.

Blimey. You lot.

Sedric-and-Charlie

21/9/2019 01:35:44 pm

Patreons are not shareholders, Mr. Bass

BabyBlueEyes

21/9/2019 06:45:57 pm

All Chris was asking was for some variety on the Digi Mini episodes, You've had a long stretch of nothing but you and gannon videos, can you mix at least one in with Octav1us or Larry, that's all he was saying.

I like Gannon too, but your best episodes have been ones like the stranger things coke test, the VR flight game and one on piracy and so on. all he's asking is for you to mix things up once in a while.

and Mr Bass's comment was about you throwing your toys out of the pram at the slightest hint of criticism, which you've done multiple times now. Jesus you need to stop that, as that only leads to losing your viewerbase and replacing them with trolls knowing they can get a reaction from you.

21/9/2019 07:07:50 pm

I didn’t take Chris’s comment as a criticism per se, but an opportunity to explain. You read it as throwing my toys out of the park, fart-features. I was being sincere when I said he can go watch something else, and why it ain’t changing anytime soon. All the other points I addressed in my reply to him. I’d explain them all again, but y’know.... don’t wanna lose any of you lovely people from my audience!!!!!!!!?!!!!

22/9/2019 01:13:40 am

Riiiight then. I was, as has been correctly pointed out, basically telling you to stop behaving like a snivelling little spoilt brat. Which is what you do everytime anyone criticises you. Calling me entitled isn't going to make your argument any easier to win, Biffo.
I'm not acting like a shareholder, I'm acting like a person who pays a damn sight more than a quid to your channel every month and who is asking to be shown a bit of flipping respect for it. I, myself am not asking you to make any specific content, but what I am doing is asking you to stop being a dog in the manger about things when people do ask you to make content which they think they'd enjoy. Even if you don't think you'd be making any stuff with Larry and Sarah soon, you could have just said that, instead of the essay on "its my channel so nyaahhh".
I expected better of you Biffo. If any other patrons are reading this, I don't expect they'll vote with their wallets and pull funding on this occasion, but you keep doing it and they will...and...it'll inconvience you for a bit. But the financial impact isn't where you should be concerned.

Paul

22/9/2019 07:34:24 am

These replies are very rude. No one expects any meaningful input for our meager donations and Kickstarter pledges. However, people are allowed their opinions. A bit of recognition for the support you have enjoyed over the years also seems lacking in these replies 'Support what I do or f-off'.

Emergency Exit

22/9/2019 08:36:35 am

Paul - yes everyone is entitled to their opinion, and that means that Creator's are entitled to their own opinion on the opinions given to them too. From my point of view the comments given to Biffo were stated in a quite a rude way in and of themselves. His reply reads to me as exasperated rather than rude.

I didn't get the sense that Biffo was saying 'support what I do or f-off'... but in response to someone basically complaining that there was too much of him on his own channel, to me it came across as him saying 'If there is too much of me on my own channel, or you don't like the people who are in it, then feel free to not watch, and go and watch other things' - which I think is fair enough! How would you like it if someone expected you to not be in your own thing. Plus remember, the Digitiser YouTube Channel is not Digitiser The Show (the six part series) - there are no Kickstarter promises to fulfil for who will be on screen or when, or what the content will be.

22/9/2019 09:45:43 am

Right. Let's see if I can do this without calling anybody fart-features or Shirley... They don't like it up 'em!

Mr Bass: Mate, I honestly don't know what you want me to do. I mean, I can apologise that YOU (and Lizzie and Paul) thought I was being rude to Chris, or throwing a tantrum, but I don't think I was. Believe me, I know I can be a grumpy, impatient, sod at times, my style of writing is often sarcastic and snippy... but not in this case.

Chris's comment hadn't bothered me. It was just time for a long overdue setting-out-of-stall, and he gave me the opportunity to do that.

The reason it might seem to *you* that I can't take criticism isn't because I can't take it (try being a professional screenwriter: every draft comes with a bunch of red text, and a phone call, telling you why you're shit), but because it's not helpful to a creative process. I have to dismiss it in order to make stuff that is completely true to me.

I'm baffled as to all these instances of it that you mention, because they obviously didn't bother me enough for me to remember them.

I explained everything in my reply to Chris; I'm simply not changing the channel for Patrons - which would be me making content that *I* don't enjoy doing.

And because I'm not going to do that, and because you seem to want something different to that, I mean it in all sincerity when I say you have the choice not to support me. That's fine! Like, completely, one hundo percento, fine.

I do try to give Patrons value for money... in terms of getting content from me, and I think I overdeliver on that in terms of early access to videos twice a week, written content on here most days, exclusive blog posts... I appreciate their support hugely.

If you are giving me money with a different expectation... then I'm sorry about that. As I said to Chris... you know what to do.

I simply don't need from *creative* support from Patrons. Any creative or artistic endeavour is not helped by having 250 executive producers breathing down your neck. It's hard enough in my day job with one or two. Most Patrons seem to understand that. I do, however, love interacting with them. It's a great community, full of lovely people.

In the case of Chris's initial complaint - that there was too much me and Gannon, and not enough Larry and Octav1us - I felt it was important to explain why that is. I mean... it's a shame for him, but they do have their own channels if he wants more of those two. Also, there may be reasons that I haven't stated as to why they've not appeared more, which I may not be able to talk about...

Nonetheless, the bio on my Patreon page clearly makes no mention of Larry or Octav1us (or even Gannon for that matter), and Digi existed for 25 years, on and off, before they came along.

Unfortunately, calling me names really won't do anything other than make me dig my heels in even further. With the greatest respect, if anyone appears to be acting spoilt, and throwing their toys out of the pram here, it's you.

For a start, the threats about me losing my audience, if I continue not to listen to them, just wash over me. I'm not doing this to have a big audience. My self-worth isn't tied to that.

If it was, do you really think I'd be making such weird content? I'd be doing click-bait listicles if so!

Bottom line: Supporting a creator on Patreon allows them to do what a creator does - make stuff that's honest and true to them. Regrettably, calling them a spoilt baby when they make stuff you don't like, and state - in very clear terms - why that isn't going to change, is the definition of entitled.

I was only being sincere when I said to Chris that he doesn't have to watch stuff he doesn't like (none of you do). As I stated before, I've got a career where I already have to write for others.

When it comes to Digi and whatnot... the whole appeal of it is the creative freedom. Patreon gives me the chance to expand and make better looking/sounding stuff (as I said on there recently, I bought a couple of new cameras, lights and sound this month alone). But I'd shut it down before I let it dictate what I make.

And again, my reply to Chris wasn't said with any degree of annoyance; I thought it was important to lay out the state of the channel, and how things will be going forwards. That's what I did, and I wasn't rude to Chris - it was simply a long answer, which I accept that a few of you have read as rude. Not a lot I can do about that.

I evidently needed to explain that Digitiser The Show is not the entirety of the Digitiser channel, and why he shouldn't expect Larry and Octav1us as regular co-hosts in future.

I have legally trademarked Digitiser, I created it almost 27 years ago, and have been writing it more or less solo on-and-off since then. When I say it's my channel... it's not being spoilt... It's literally my channel. Like... literally *literally* my channel. Creatively, everything that has ever appeared on the channel, from Digi the Show, to Found F

22/9/2019 10:05:40 am

(continued) ootage has been driven by me. It IS mine! Which is why Patreon makes no mention of anyone else.

Lastly, I just want to say... I really don't like this notion that content creators or people in the public eye are held to a higher standard of politeness than their audience.

I get the perceived power imbalance, but it seems somewhat hypocritical when somebody can come at any of us with a foam-flecked, red mist, rage, and we're meant to just go: "OMG! I AM SO SORRY I'M SUCH A NASTY PERSON... HOW CAN I MAKE IT UP TO YOU?!"...

And if we don't do that it's all "FFS - STOP THROWING YOUR TOYS OUT OF THE PRAM!!!"

That's stupid and annoying. Not least when I'm generally very nice with people online.

Paul: Of course people are entitled to their opinions! They totally are. I don't censor any comments, and I respect people's opinions... This isn't really about opinions or criticism though is it? It's explaining why supporters don't get a say in the creative direction of what I do (unless I invite that).

So please try not to have a knee-jerk response to me ignoring, dismissing or responding to criticism as being another creative person who can't take criticism.

Yeah, I was a bit rude to Shirley (dammit!), but I just thought I was being helpful in explaining it all to Chris, for the benefit of everyone.

Also... I dunno if any of this nonsense has come from how I am in the Digi Mini videos, but - and I accept that it's death to have to explain a joke - when I rant about comments on there... it's meant to be a joke.

We're playing heightened versions of ourselves for comic effect; a pair of idiots constantly undermining their own attempts to do YouTube videos. Of course I don't care if somebody criticises our shit plastering.

I mean it is shit. It really is.

22/9/2019 11:08:16 am

Biffo,
There's literally only one thing I would like you to do...
Keep making the great content, but stop writing war and peace every time someone disagrees with you. You claim it doesn't matter to you if some one gets upset about your approach to matters, yet here we are having a defensive back and forth about the way we've perceived your negative reaction to what was at the very worst a light bit of fan criticism. I have no problem with what you've made, and I'm happy to pay to support the content. I'm just not happy to see you getting publicly upset every single time someone says something you don't like.

BobMonkeypimp

22/9/2019 06:10:57 pm

Mr. Bass - Yet there you were getting publically upset when someone said something you didn't like. I know this will get deleted but the channel would be a better place if you took your £3.50 patreon money and shoved it up your arse. You hypocritical, pretentious prick.

22/9/2019 06:29:51 pm

@BobMonkeypimp the irony is I can do exactly that. Biffo got so offended by my Uber Entitled Remarks that he blocked me from Patreon and refunded my money. The even greater irony is that I couldn't give two fucks about your comment so I don't even know why I'm replying.

Tecktronik

22/9/2019 06:33:05 pm

Mr bass don't worry about it, this thread has gone spectacularly sour and he's just feeding off the bad vibes.

Robobob

20/9/2019 10:17:32 am

I've seen the candyfloss grapes in Tesco. Not tried them yet, mind. WITCHCRAFT

30/9/2019 06:50:13 pm

Retrospectively, if anyone's still reading this more than a week later or whatever it is, I feel oddly sort of proud my random non-sequitur bookends all the angst above it.

Super Bad Advice

20/9/2019 10:39:29 am

I've had the candyfloss grapes. They are bloody awful. I mean, candyfloss itself is bloody awful but these are even worse in that it's both a horrible not-really-candyfloss taste AND a waste of a grape that could taste like, I dunno, a grape.

There are also strawberry grapes, that have a weird slightly strawberry-ish aftertaste, but also don't really taste like strawberries (and are also for some reason really tiny - about the size of peas).

In conclusion, if you want something to taste like something, your best bet is to probably eat that thing. Unless you're horribly allergic, I suppose. But then you'd probably not know what that thing tasted like as a result (or: you're already dead from trying it).

GRAAAAAAPES!

20/9/2019 12:27:12 pm

"There are also strawberry grapes, that have a weird slightly strawberry-ish aftertaste, but also don't really taste like strawberries (and are also for some reason really tiny - about the size of peas)."

New strawberry-flavoured squeezy cheezy peas?!

Voiced By Guides

20/9/2019 06:28:49 pm

Someone brought a punnet into work last week- never seen the compost bin so full. I think someone needs to trying using them to make wine though, purely in the interests of science.

Treacle

20/9/2019 10:41:48 am

The Digitiser Characters World Cup was great fun. Chapman going out so early was a blow but my goodness The Man's Daddy had a glorious tournament. I've only just sobered up after his victorious open top bus parade with a pounding turps hangover.

lilock3

20/9/2019 12:39:06 pm

Are we certain that Postman Cyril's black and white squirrel is actually a squirrel? I have a suspicion that it may be a sunk (unless it's a rare, mutant squirrel - or Cyril has purchased some "Squirrel Paint").

My mum used to have letters delivered by Postman Steve. I once asked her if he had a black and white sleeve (just the one), but Mum assured me that he always wore short-sleeved tops.

20/9/2019 12:40:04 pm

*skunk

20/9/2019 12:42:05 pm

HOWZAT?

Absolutely perfect! Whatever you choose to make and however long you make it I’ll be there, though possibly not watching it all in one go if it’s four hours long...

Bobby F

20/9/2019 02:26:37 pm

I stopped watching the Digitiser videos a while ago because there was just too many unneeded scatological 'jokes' in them which me and my wife just think were not funny. If anything it is not just lazy humor but it also grossed us out.

20/9/2019 07:00:38 pm

Poo head.

Mr Poohead

21/9/2019 10:27:51 am

I'm very sorry to hear both you and your wife were born without an anus.

King of Sass

20/9/2019 07:17:16 pm

The fact it is 2019 and I can again post a physical letter to Digitiser fills me with joy. It's like 1995 all over again.

Mr.J (the wife) and Mr.S

20/9/2019 07:39:39 pm

Oh my! What awful criticisms! To quote a popular Simpson ‘They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free! What could they possibly owe you? If anything, you owe them!’

Me and Mr.S love the biweekly random shenanigans that appear on the YouTube feed, it’s even more fun when it doesn’t work out as planned.

Your critics can do one, there are literally squillions of videos on YouTube, go somewhere else and let us have our entertainment! I recommend Journey with Joni and Cruising the Cut, both would have made excellent reveal-o characters in Digi’s teletext prime.

Ps. We promise when funds are better we will fund you on Patreon, we’re sat in a field out to make money this weekend for boat improvements. As third place winner Insincere Dave might say ‘I’m really enjoying not being able to live on the boat as it’s a floating building site right now!’

Donald the Toilet

20/9/2019 09:42:58 pm

Poooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooö.

For fuck’s sake

20/9/2019 09:44:13 pm

This was supposed to be a reply to yer man who doesn’t like poo jokes. Oh well.

Mr Wee wee

21/9/2019 10:29:30 am

I hate poo jokes. They disgust me and my good lady wife. We were born without an anus and it mocks us

Lord Asho

20/9/2019 09:43:55 pm

it is indeed true in regards to my teacher! around an hour ago we were finishing up putting some cameras away at a media group i'm part of and i showed him this and he was a bit dissapointed but he's "going to learn more just to test me for the sake of it". >:(

21/9/2019 09:04:19 am

Maybe if Mr T had brought his A TEAM instead of just his A GAME he would've won

Gaming Mill link

21/9/2019 12:49:04 pm

I think YouTube somehow broke here; the magic video thing wouldn't even load here for some reason until now. As for your critics? I have more or less given up on making videos for YouTube, mainly because no-one watches my stuff any more and those that do somehow can't seem to grasp that it's just a joke. Also, for the time and effort it takes to make a video (and for those that have ever watched one, yes, it DOES take time and effort!) it just doesn't seem worth it these days.

BobbleDog

22/9/2019 11:36:42 am

Mills, while I have never been a regular follower of your stuff (or anything, really, I tend to enjoy a thing, forget about it, and then rediscover it in a kind of loop) I have always enjoyed your videos ever since stumbling across one what must have been almost ten years ago now. I think it was a LP of WizzKid, or maybe that weird Dreamcast nightmare simulator thing.
So if it feels worthless sometimes, remember that your delightful homespun whimsy has amused at least one poor boy for a decade, and I'll probably watch any video you post, you know, eventually.

Birch Vand

22/9/2019 02:36:42 pm

Crikey, that all got a bit tense!

Starbuck

23/9/2019 12:03:46 am

It was like that time that DEAN went a bit SuperBeast.

I'm just happy we're not in the just-post-teletext no-Digi dark days.

Nick

23/9/2019 01:20:10 am

Yeah, that was a shame. I liked DEAN.
Those arguing up the top I don’t know.

THE DIGITISER FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

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