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THE DIGITISER FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

11/1/2019

10 Comments

 
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Man alive. We're almost halfway through January, and I still feel like I'm wading through treacle. Anyone else struggling this month?

Good news is... we've sort of started planning for Digitiser Live and Series 2. We might actually do two live shows back-to-back, and - if so - will open up those shows to non-backers too.

We're currently working towards a similar schedule for series 2 - with fundraising beginning in March, most likely, and filming at the end of June. I appreciate that feels like a long way away, but... the reality is, I don't do this full time - and still need to be able to pay my bills - and if we want the series to build on what we had before, then we need to plan it properly.

Ideally, the series itself would launch sooner than last time, though - especially if we can afford to bring in an editor to assemble the bulk of the footage. 

Of course, you'll still be getting regular updates on the channel. I've pegged Friday teatime for new uploads, and there'll be one tonight (or, depending on when you're reading this, a new one on the channel now). Some of the team and I are hoping to get together in the next few weeks to actually film a bunch of things. And we've also started talking about doing a Digitiser podcast. So, whenever we film Series 2, you'll be properly furnished in the interim with plenty of Digi content.

And of course... there's still this site.

​Talking of... it's Letters Page Day!


​If you'd like to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, or you've got a picture of a bin you wish to share, please send your filthy emails to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
TURNER THE WORM BLOWS (A SPARKY)
  1. Have any complete Turner the Worm stories been archived? If so, could you share them in a future article on this blog? 
  2. Any plans to feature Turner in a future series of Digitiser The Show, and/or a series of their own?
  3. Who played/plays the Man’s Daddy?
  4. Why have you yet to eat goujons on camera?
  5. Aside from Pete being booted off Fiverr, what other reasons are/were there for Goujon John not appearing in The Show?
Mathew H
1. There are lots of individual chapters floating about, but I'm not sure if any complete stories have ever been found. The man to ask is Jason Robertson (@grim_fandango) on Twitter. He IS the gatekeeper...

2. No plans there - Turner isn't really a Digitiser character, despite the appearance of The Real Turner The Worm on the final day - but I have thought a few times of doing a new Turner The Worm strip just to see if I've still got it in me.

3. Uh... he plays himself...

4. Good question. Yeah, I was meant to do that. The reason I haven't? Well... it was just a bit of fun really, and it felt like there were more important things which required my time and attention. Now it feels like the moment has passed. You might be the only person who really cares.

We were also meant to launch a goujon into space, but when we priced it up... it was about £1,500-£2,000 minimum, which felt like a poor use of the money we'd raised. And then a really big YouTuber launched a sausage roll, or something, into space in the exact same way we planned to... and that put the final nail in the coffin.


​​5. I had intended to feature Goujon John on Digi, but... Voiceover Pete became a viral sensation before I had the chance, and it would've looked like I was jumping on the bandwagon. Goujon John is a victim of Pete's (well deserved) success.
MOC AROUND THE MLOC
I'm sorry if this is a silly question, or one you've answered elsewhere, but what's the origin of moc moc/a-moc? Why do people sometimes say moc moc/moc moc and sometimes moc moc/a-moc? Again, sorry if this is silly, but I'm a fairly new convert to the Digi way and I'm curious.
Chai (@findmethewords)
Hah! I think it comes from when I used to just do comic strips for fun, when I was a teenager. I doodled a can of Coke - except it was called "Moke" - with spindly arms and legs, in the margins of one, and a speech bubble saying something like "Cap-cap-a-cap". And somehow those two things got twisted into Moc-Moc-A-Moc on Digitiser as a thing for various animals and characters to say.
CHARLIE BOY
Hello, my boyfriend Charlie fuckin' loves your show or whatever it is. I’m not the best at paying attention and I’m not 100% sure what’s happening when he tweets about you. 

But you make him very happy and I want to say thank-you for that, because I can’t be there with him when he’s sad (because of distance). But knowing that something is making him smile means so so much to me. <3 

Do something gay for me thanks. 

Love n' punches from
Bishop 
Charlie is a very sweet, enthusiastic, young man, and I hope you're both making good use the Mr Blobby money bank he bought recently.

​Press reveal to see something gay.
REVEAL:
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FUND AND GAMES
So good to see you throwing around ideas for funding a second series of Digitiser. We all need more of it in our faces. I said faces. What's wrong with you people?

Anyway, unless there's a viable way to get a bigger budget from a production company or channel that doesn't involve sacrificing what Digitiser is, which seems unlikely (that's a compliment, not an insult), then come back to Kickstarter.

No physical rewards, no high quality tat or distractions. You want the show? Put money in for the show. I'm sure most people still would. I would. And I'm allowed to spend my own money and everything.

We got it done it done first time, we'll get it done again.
PJ Close
It looks like we're going the Kickstarter route, and - as stated above - we're looking at provisionally launching it in March, just like last time (which will mean we go into production about the same time as last year as well). I wanted to do it all sooner, but I think it'll benefit us not to rush.

However, now that we all feel more confident about what we're doing, the plan is to make more episodes, so we can do a longer run.
FUNNY LETTER
I got two copies of Sultry Tramp© for the Atari 2600 for Christmas. Anyone want to swap one for a Tamagotchi?

I can smell weevils.
Jabberwoc
I don't know what I'm meant to say to that.
THE SWITCHES OF EASTWICK
As I recently got a Nintendo Switch for Christmas with Breath of the Wild. I also grabbed Sonic Mania and Lumo. Can you recommend a few must have titles for it?

By the way I love how Ste Pickford has drawn you as a maniacal looking drug lord on the DVD artwork :)

Cheers.
The Master of Porridge
Yes! You must get Mr Shifty and Owlboy. Also, obviously, Mario Odyssey. And Doom if you haven't played it already.

​Also, what makes you think I'm not a maniacal drug lord? 
GRAVY ERROR
I like my Nontendo Gravy Boy like I like my gravy: Thick and meaty with game cartridges sticking out of it. Please send me a years supply.
Luke Adams
That bloody Gravy Boy video lost me loads of subscribers. What is wrong with people?! It's, like, a minute long, and you don't have to watch it!
NO BISC' NO REWARD
I tried to think of something witty or insightful, but it's late and my 5 month old is yelling at me.

So, bollocks to that. 

Here's some random questions instead.

1. What is the best biscuit to have with a cup of tea or coffee?

2. Spectrum mini when?

3. What's the best way to balance kids and gaming? Edutainment or just good quality family games. (as a side note I found Scribblenauts to be the best mode of helping my nephew with spelling, adjectives etc)

4. Where do you get those wonderful jackets?

Right. I'm off to bed.
Jonno Phillips

1. I don't drink tea very often, and never have biscuits with it if I do. But I'd choose either a Garibaldi or a Banoffeepop, if they even still do those.

2. Following the Vega+ debacle I think it might be a while. Though aren't we meant to get that Spectrum Next thing this year?

3. On your lap. That sounds sarcastic, but my kids used to love watching me play games.

4.  Amazon. And in one case, my mother-in-law.
BRACE YOURSELVES
Dear Maestro Biffo,

I know you like to have a lark and make jokes but I kindly request a serious answer to my question: Which is your favourite Pokémon? No snide remarks or sarcastic suggestions like “Moistusss” or, “Blarney the stilton goitre” please. 

I’ve been playing Pokémon Let’s Go and Detective Pikachu and I thought it’d be funny if the latter game got a sequel called District Attorney Raichu...ha ha ha! I was right, that is funny. Then I thought it’d be funny to do jobs for all the Pokémon...it was NOT funny. I kindly demand you print my unfunny list in full due to the amount of time I spent on it (while at work). 

Dishwasher
Bulbasaur

Sous Chef
Ivysaur

Chef
Venusaur

Bell hop
Charmander

Concierge
Charmeleon

Night Manager
Charizard

Blacksmith
Squirtle

Silversmith
Wartortle

Goldsmith
Blastoise

Plumber
Caterpie

Electrician
Metapod

Gas Engineer
Butterfree

Capo
Weedle

Underboss
Kakuna

Godfather
Beedrill

Pedestrian
Pidgey

Cyclist
Pidgeotto

Driver
Pidgeot

Blogger
Rattata

Vlogger
Raticate

Teacher
Spearow

Head Teacher
Fearow

Bartender
Ekans

Mixologist
Arbok

Detective
Pikachu

District Attorney
Raichu

Modern Artist
Sandshrew

Classical Artist
Sandslash

Female Butcher
Nidoran♀

Female Baker
Nidorina

Female Candlestick Maker
Nidoqueen

Male Butcher
Nidoran♂

Male Baker
Nidorino

Male Candlestick Maker
Nidoking

Tree Surgeon
Clefairy

Botanist
Clefable

Banker
Vulpix

Governor of the Bank of England
Ninetales

Barrister
Jigglypuff

Judge
Wigglytuff

Farmer hand
Zubat

Farmer
Golbat

Unemployed
Oddish

Training Scheme
Gloom

Zero Hours Contract Worker
Vileplume

Barber
Paras

Hairdresser
Parasect

Nail Technician
Venonat

Beautician
Venomoth

Ship Maker
Diglett

Shipbreaker
Dugtrio

Roofer
Meowth

Steeplejack
Persian

Bricklayer
Psyduck

Housing Developer
Golduck

Prison Guard
Mankey

Prison Warden
Primeape

Killer
Growlithe

Serial Killer
Arcanine

Private
Poliwag

Major
Poliwhirl

Field Marshal
Poliwrath

Seaman
Abra

Midshipman
Kadabra

Rear Admiral
Alakazam

Civil Servant
Machop

MP
Machoke

Prime Minister
Machamp

Reverend
Bellsprout

Bishop
Weepinbell

Pope
Victreebel

Novelist
Tentacool

Librarian
Tentacruel

TV Extra
Geodude

Stage Actor
Graveler

Film Star
Golem

Vinter
Ponyta

Brewer
Rapidash

Doctor
Slowpoke

Chief Surgeon
Slowbro

Conspiracist
Magnemite

Flat Earther
Magneton

Double Glazing Salesman
Farfetch'd

Tour Guide
Doduo

Curator
Dodrio

Conductor
Seel

Train Driver
Dewgong

Darts Player
Grimer

Sumo Wrestler
Muk

Bus Driver
Shellder

Taxi Driver
Cloyster

Fisher
Gastly

Trawler
Haunter

Whaler
Gengar

Chimney Sweep
Onix

Zookeeper
Drowzee

Zoologist
Hypno

Nanny
Krabby

Wet nurse
Kingler

Skier
Voltorb

Water Skier
Electrode

Scuba Diver
Exeggcute

Deep Sea Diver
Exeggutor

Life Guard
Cubone

Life Coach
Marowak

Locksmith
Hitmonlee

Escapologist
Hitmonchan

Fireman
Lickitung

Pilot
Koffing

Astronaut
Weezing

Lady in Waiting
Rhyhorn

Butler
Rhydon

Bin man
Chansey

Miner
Tangela

Stunt Man
Kangaskhan

Dancer
Horsea

Choreographer
Seadra

Lumberjack
Goldeen

Carpenter
Seaking

Chiropodist
Staryu

Podiatrist
Starmie

Influencer
Mr. Mime

Podcaster
Scyther

Window cleaner
Jynx

Paperboy
Electabuzz

Newsagent
Magmar

Chocolatier
Pinsir

Jockey
Tauros

IT Support
Magikarp

Tech Billionaire
Gyarados

Ambulance Driver
Lapras

Skateboarder
Ditto

Tinker
Eevee

Tailor
Vaporeon

Soldier
Jolteon

Spy
Flareon

Archaeologist
Porygon

Best Boy
Omanyte

Key Grip
Omastar

Boom Operator:
Kabuto

Sound Mixer:
Kabutops

Director
Aerodactyl

Hot Air Balloonist
Snorlax

Nuclear Physicist
Articuno

Astro Physicist
Zapdos

Quantum Physicist
Moltres

Circus Clown
Dratini

Juggler
Dragonair

Trapeze Artist
Dragonite

Strongman
Mewtwo

Milkman
Mew

Thank you in advance for taking this all seriously. Gotta catch ‘em all!
Grembot
Thanks for the list, Grembot. And thanks so much for sending this list in some sort of spreadsheet-type format, which was wholly incompatible with this website. In short... if you ever DO one of those again I'm deleting it straight away and banning you from the letters page.

​Favourite Pokemon? Dug Trio.
HANDS ON
What is worse - a fly on your hand or a hand on your fly?
Carl Hickbread
Is that a rhetorical question? 
FUNNY LETTER #2
You asked this week via twitter if I was 'cool' enough to send a letter. Alas, I am not. Therefore I didn't. 

Yours sincerely, 
elnikoman

I don't know what I'm meant to say to that.
DOG ONE
You asked for a letter about dogs. This is a letter about dogs.

Dogs have legs. Usually there are four of the legs. Small dogs and big dogs all do a woof and they do it often.

Dogs do poo. They do smelly poo and you have to pick it up and put it in a special bin, but some people don't do that and we call those people poolluters, that's like polluters but it's about poo.

Dogs also have a tail which goes wag wag wag when the dog is a happy dog, and curly under legs when dog is doing a sad. Sometimes I think if a sad dog does a poo, it would get poo on its tail from being sad and doing a poo at the same time. I do not know if that ever happens. Perhaps poo makes dogs happy so this never happens. Theory confirmed!

There was a video game for the PlayStation Two where you were a dog and it had voice acting for the dog's thoughts and you could do a poo. It was called A Dog's Life and I wish to play it very much.

There are special dogs called big hecking dogs that are happy to see you and jump up at you and pull your hair with their big paws. Big hecking dogs are burly boys.

And that is my letter about dogs. I hope you enjoyed it. I even mentioned a video game in it so it's totally relevant and on brand for this letters page and don't listen to your strange uncle if he says it's not, because he's strange and we're all pretty sure he secretly wears sandals in the house because his toes get hot. He does not have a dog.

DOGS.

Thank you for reading my letter.
Nikki
That is the best letter about dogs I've ever read. Please play A Dog's Life immediately.
THE MEGA
So, I got one of those Mega Drive whatever-games-in-1 with the wireless controllers that isn’t as good as the impending Mega Drive Mini for Christmas. The input lag on the controllers makes all the Sonic games virtually unplayable! Anyone have any experience connecting a proper controller? I don’t want to buy one if it makes no difference...

Anyway. I’m not complaining. Mrs M is entirely gaming agnostic and it was an astonishing gift, the thought really did count. And my 3 year old finished Chemical Plant Act 1 by holding right and button mashing, so yeah. Maybe Sonic 2 is playable.

Any retro gaming surprises for Crimbo, Mr B?
Richard M.
I actually didn't get any gaming-themed gifts this year. My main present was a drone, because we can use that for filming stuff, and is therefore tax deductible.

I did buy my brother-in-law that Atari VCS handheld thing, and was hoping to have a go on it so I can do a review, but I'm not sure he even took it out of the box. Felt a bit rude to ask him if I could open the present I'd got him.
500 Qs OF WHYTE
266) While it could hardly be called a failure and I have enjoyed it in parts, does Destiny rank as this generation's biggest disappointment?

267) Which developer, for you, was the biggest one-hit wonder?

268) What were your top 5 games of 2018, across all formats?

269) Digitiser doesn't really do requests, I know, but could you or one of your contributors review the games exhibition at the V&A, please? I enjoyed it and I'd be interested to hear it reviewed on the site.

270) Could it be argued that Gears of War was one of the most influential games ever, even more than its stablemate Halo? So many games borrowed its aesthetic, for better or worse, and the cover mechanics, too.
John Whyte
266) I do think it's a victim of its own hype. Destiny had a lot of fans, but Destiny 2 has been a bit sort of nothing hasn't it? 

267) Oddly, I was thinking about Bug-Byte the other day. They released a lot of games for the Spectrum and Commodore 64, but most people only really remember Manic Miner. And, of course, the follow-up - Jet Set Willy - was released by Software Projects, which was formed by ex-Bug-Byte staff members. So, as they're fresh in my mind... them.

268) Unnhhh. That's really tough. I honestly don't know, because several of the games I enjoyed last year weren't actually released last year. I would say that Assassin's Creed Odyssey, Far Cry 5 and Red Dead Redemption 2 would be in there. Probably Spider-Man. Possibly Dead Cells. There you go: that's five. That'll do.

269) Oh man! I forgot all about that. I will see if I can get down there.

270) Hmm. Interesting. I've never really seen Gears as that influential, as its aesthetic felt quite heavily influenced by lots of other things. Certainly, the cover mechanic has been pinched - but never exactly in the way Gears has done it. All I can say is... I really enjoyed the first couple, but I've lost almost all interest in the franchise. Certainly, I'd say there are hundreds of games I'd list before Gears of War as being more influential.
10 Comments
Grembot
11/1/2019 10:20:33 am

I can’t apologise enough for my letter, I never for one second thought it’d be used. I feel strangely elated knowing that some people will read the full thing and be annoyed that they did.

Reply
DEAN
11/1/2019 10:26:41 am

Don't be like that, man! It was my favourite one!!

Reply
Jonmokoko
11/1/2019 11:02:31 am

It was absolutely mental. And fantastic. Now, look. I love Psyduck and there's no way I'd trust that mallard git with bricks. You'd get your head stoved in double quick.

Reply
Dansk404
14/1/2019 01:48:49 pm

My word, yes. I went through a whole spectrum of emotions as I scrolled down. Haha, those are fun, wait there are more. More? He didn't do them...all...oh my word.
Your commitment to the joke is unparalleled. Bravo, sir.

Reply
DEAN
11/1/2019 10:25:49 am

I read through that entire list of Pokemon and used a ridiculous amount of mental energy (not in a spiritual sense) considering if I agreed with the jobs or not - I'm exhausted!

But!

Worth it for this alone:

Influencer
Mr. Mime

Reply
Dominic
11/1/2019 01:17:14 pm

Turner The Worm isn’t really a Digi character?
Isn’t he? Why not? How not?

Reply
Dominic
11/1/2019 01:19:24 pm

Also, who would play Turner?
Perhaps controversial in this day and age but any man in a green bodysuit, in front of a green screen with a little hole cut out.

Reply
Chris Bell link
11/1/2019 04:17:51 pm

Well, his strip only ever appeared in the Kids pages, it was never part of Digi. And as Biffo says, his infamous cameo on the last day was the only time he ever featured on Digi itself.

It was Biffo’s appearance on GamesMaster in late ‘93, where they insisted on using his real name, that revealed he was also responsible for Turner.

Reply
Dominic
11/1/2019 09:13:19 pm

I think I’m getting mixed up with those cussing snakes.

Starbuck
11/1/2019 07:28:27 pm

Always love a reference to Fat Worm Blows A Sparky!

Reply



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